Terrible terrible jokes!

I asked my wife to buy a single thyme plant while she was at the nursery because that's all the
room I have left in my veggie patch.

She came back with two plants because they were on sale.

I guess she two thymed me.
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Barrowman said:
I asked my wife to buy a single thyme plant while she was at the nursery because that's all the room I have left in my veggie patch.

She came back with two plants because they were on sale.

I guess she two thymed me.
.
Click to expand...
Did it just “sprig” to mind?
 
Sylvester Stallone wants to make a film about classical music. “I’ll be Beethoven” he says.

Jean Claude van Damme says, “I’ll be Mozart”

Arnold Schwarzenegger says, “Come on guys, don’t make me….”
 
My son told me nothing rhymes with orange.
I said, “No it doesn't.”

What do reindeer have that no other animals have?
Baby reindeer.

Someone threw a giant bottle of omega-3 pills at me.
I'm fine - I only suffered super fish oil injuries.

I'm worried that my baubles are addicted to Christmas.
They are all hooked on trees.

What is the most popular wine on Christmas Day?
“...but I don't like Brussel Sprouts"
 
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I walked into a toy store to do some early Christmas shopping and asked the assistant,
"Where are the Schwarzenegger dolls?"
He said: "Aisle B, back."
 
What happened when the two vampires went on a first date? .....It was love at first bite.

What did one boat say to the other? .... "Are you up for a little row-mance?"

How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend? ....It gave her a ring.
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@Duane62 again, unbelievably bad!!! Come on. It's Christmas. Give us a break!!! (Ok to be honest, but don't tell anyone, the jokes are great. Hmmm, what does that say about me?)
 
Just for you @Gwynn

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

In the words of Basil Brush boom boom!!
 
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I got a few from Christmas crackers (cleaning them after parties at work):

-Why was Cinderella so bad at football?
She was always running away from the ball.

-What sort of pet did Aladdin have?
A carpet.

-What do you call a couple of spiders that just married?
Newly webs!

- What do polar bears have for lunch?
Iceberguers.
 
My new girlfriend works at the zoo. She's a keeper.

Have you seen the romantic comedy about bread? It's called Loaf Actually.

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I kept pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."
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My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up." I said, "Good idea. We can
cover more ground that way."

I just went on a date with a welder. Man, were the sparks flying?

Did you hear about the porcupine who was near-sighted? The poor fellow fell in love with a pincushion.
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I eat all the wrong things in the run up to Christmas.
It starts innocently enough, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it I’m adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road.
 
Little known fact

Davy Crockett had 3 ears!!

His left ear, his right ear and his wild frontier
 
Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk back to Ikea.

My 12-year-old son tried coffee for the first time today.
"It tastes like dirt!"
I told him it was just ground this morning.

I don't wanna party like it's 1999. I wanna go food shopping like it's 1999.

I’m making a documentary about airplanes.
We’re currently filming the pilot.
 
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