Terrible terrible jokes!

I can’t think of any boat puns

Canoe?
 
Three old guys are out walking. The first one says, “Windy, isn’t it?”

The second one says, “No, it’s Thursday!”

The third one says, “So am I. Let’s go get a beer.”
.
 
I had a date yesterday. It was perfect


Tomorrow I’m going to try a grape
 
I've just looked for a slightly different version of this joke involving two drunks travelling on the London Underground and confusion over the word 'Wembley'. Failed to find the joke, but found this cartoon…

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I said, "I love you so much. I could never live without you." My girlfriend giggled and asked, "Is that you talking or the beer?" I explained, "It's me talking to the beer."
 
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You shouldn’t throw sodium chloride at people!
It could classed as a salt.

The sofa salesman told me that the sofa I was looking at would seat 5 people without problem.
Where do I find 5 people without problems?

When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!”
“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
 
What did the woman with a broken leg say to her crutch? - "I've got a crush on you!

Why did the banker break up with his girlfriend? - He was losing interest.

What happened when the candle started dating? - It found the perfect match.

Why should you avoid falling in love with a pastry chef? - Because he'll dessert you eventually.
 
How much does a rainbow weigh?
Not much, it's actually pretty light.

Went to a shop and said "I'd like to try on that dress in the shop window".
Person working there said I had to try it on in the changing room like everyone else.

Saw a sticker in the sports shop saying "Trampolines Half Price".
I jumped on the offer.

1. Scooby
2. Yabba Dabba
- My 2 Doo list.
 
@Duane62 now, those are really really terrible jokes.
 
Why did Rudolph have to attend summer school?
Because he went down in history.

I took Buzz Lightyear Christmas shopping with me.
We went to Bed, Bath & Beyond.

Why did the Stormtrooper decide to buy an iPhone?
Because he couldn't find the Droid he was looking for.
 
My wife told me to put ketchup on the shopping list...
But now I can't see anything.

Cop pulled me over and said: "PAPERS"
I yelled "SCISSORS" and drove off.

My coworker named Celsius recently retired, so they hired a guy named Kelvin to replace him.
He’s the new temp.

I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture.
But when I got home, the tables were turned.

How many Optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?
1 or 2?
And now 1... or 2?
 
My cabinet installer was arrested last week.
He was charged with counter fitting.

I think I might be a palindrome.
Well, my mum & dad are.

Racecar backwards is still racecar.
Racecar upside down is expensive.

Worked out what car the chairman of the palindrome society drives.
A Toyota.

I think that’s enough from me for today 🙂
 
@Duane62 you shouldn't be encouraged!!! There must be a limit to terribleness, surely.
 
Walking home late last night I passed a slice of apple pie, a hot fudge sundae, and a lemon cheesecake. I thought to myself...
The streets are strangely desserted tonight.
 
“Doctor, Doctor, please help! I’m getting married soon and I can’t get over my fear of wedding vows... do you know of a cure?”
“I can’t say I do”
“Not you as well!”

Of course, they’re not called tears at a wedding.
It’s eye dew

Was going to run away and get married to a melon, but I couldn’t.
It was a canteloupe.

I went to a wedding that was so emotional that even the cake was in tiers…

My microwave and freezer got married in a kitchen wedding. Who gave the speech?
The Toaster
 
If you are sad that you have lost your smartphone, cheer yourself up by thinking that a mouse family now has a new flat screen TV.

Went on an online video call and a picture of a can of spam appeared on my screen. Think it was a zoom meat tin.

A box keeps popping up on my screen for double-glazing.
I think it’s a windows update

I like to watch Star Wars on my Samsung phone from the other side of the house.
It’s on a Galaxy far, far away…
 
I’m truly sorry about this one and should be excommunicated for it.

I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Wednesday is open Mike night.
 
@Duane62 i think you may be right. Someone save us! Please!
 
A friend of mine invented a washing machine for bank notes. It’s a real money spinner.

A friend did a PhD in Washing Machines. He’s a Spin Doctor.

Scientists got bored watching the Earth spin after 24 hours, so they called it a day.

Saw a bug running round in circles. I think it was trying to build up centipedal force.

Went to the casino and had a few spins on the roulette wheel, until they told me to get off it.

Friend of mine injured themself at a spinning class. I think they’ve taken a turn for the worse.
 
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