Terrible terrible jokes!

My wife said she had missed me........she's now re-loading...........
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Awake with phantom pain so some pain jukes!

French people don't feel pain. They eat it.
What do you call a mole that doesn't feel pain? A Paracetamole
How did the french guy feel when he got hit by a piece of bread? He felt pain.
What did the glass screen feel after a baseball crashed through it? Window Pains
 
MikeyBikey said:
Awake with phantom pain so some pain jukes!
Click to expand...

Sorry to hear about the phantom pain @MikeyBikey

Why can pirates never find any tablets for their hangovers?

Because the parrots eat ‘em all.
 
Why do the Norwegian warships all have barcodes on the side of them?

So that when they return to port they can scan da navy in
 
A friend of mine got engaged to a pencil. He was really excited to introduce his friends to his bride 2B.
 
Saw a chap painting pictures of bikes on a local church ceiling. Cycleangelo.
 
I couldn't believe that the highway department called my dad a thief. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
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Why did the taxi driver get fired? Passengers didn't like it when she went the extra mile.
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I accidentally broke wind in a lift the other day. That's bad on so many levels.
 
I completed my toasted sandwich sticker album earlier today. It's by Panini.

Why did the elf turn his phone to silent? He was bored of the rings.

My pet snake is exactly 3.14 metres long. He's a πthon.

Can tell the cold weather is here, had to scrape the ice off the car this morning and only had my store card. Only managed to get 10% off.
 
A woman in labour suddenly shouts, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

The doctor said, “Don’t worry, those are just contractions.”
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How can you increase the heart rate of your 70-year-old husband? Tell him you’re pregnant.

What do you call a snake wearing a hard hat? A boa constructor.
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Double entendres, sort of…

What is the leading cause of dry skin? Towels!
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What do you call a reluctant potato? A hesitater!
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Last night I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow. When I woke up my pillow was gone.
 
This morning was the funeral of the inventor of the dishwasher.

The congregation watched in disbelief as the coffin was lowered into the ground,
quickly taken out again by his partner, who then put it back in the other way around.
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