Terrible terrible jokes!

This morning I had a shave with a bic, now I’ve got ink all over my chin
 
Why do Peruvian owls hang around in pairs? Because they are Inca hoots

If we got rid of all the margarine and spreads, the world would be a butter place.

When does a detective carry an umbrella? When he's under cover...

I really do regret buying the flat above Lionel Ritchie
 
The Antiques Roadshow came to town so I took along an old painting and an old violin that had been in our attic for years. They told me I had a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately.............
 
A clown held a door open for me the other day. I thought, "what a nice Jester".

A house near me is haunted by a ghost that only moves horizontally. It's a spirit level.

What do you get if you rearrange the letters of Santa? Someone else's presents.

A man walks into a dentist and says “I think I’m a moth”. The dentist says “You need a doctor not a dentist”. He replies “I know but your light was on”
 
The good thing about having a bad memory is that jokes can be funny more than once.

A senior is sitting at a bar when a young woman walks in and sits down a few seats over.
The senior man gets up, shuffles over to her, leans in, and asks, “So… do I come here often?”
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Bought a dalek egg timer. After three minutes, it shouts “Eggs Terminate!"
 
Batman came up to me & hit me over the head with a vase and went T’PAU! I said Don’t you mean KAPOW? He said ‘No, I’ve got China in my Hand’
 
Al Pacino's brother, Cap, is famous for his coffee.

Biggest cause of road rage? Cross roads.

X Factor: The original Roman sun cream.

I went to a Hot Chocolate themed picnic once. It started with a quiche.
 
My friend’s partner told him she would leave him if he didn’t stop endlessly humming tunes by The Monkees all the time.

At first he thought she was joking,

But then he saw her face…
 
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At any given time, the urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is never more than a whim away.
 
Why did Cleopatra bathe in milk? She couldn’t find a cow tall enough to have a shower.

A friend of mine lost his job at a fish supplies company. He opened a whole can of worms.

Saw a vampire sprint race the other day. It finished neck and neck.
 
Two older women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.

Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and said, “Mabel, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?” Mabel answered, “I have a suppository?” She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, “Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.”
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Barrowman said:
Two older women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.

Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and said, “Mabel, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?” Mabel answered, “I have a suppository?” She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, “Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.”
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Click to expand...
Definitely need a groan for that
 
Did a quiz the other day where there were multiple choices as the answer and one question was which musical did the number Hello Little Girl come from? I had no idea whatsoever bearing in mind I only know the Lennon/McCartney version that Gerry & the Pacemakers and The Fourmost recorded and released in 1963. ie
When I see you ev'ry da-ay I say, Hey hey - Hello little girl!
and she's totally oblivious to him, poor bloke.

Bearing in mind Lennon didn't write it till 1957 apparently, didn't think it would be that one. I was reminded of that again when I read the last bit of this thread as a lot of the latest offerings require the reader to recall both what the Monkees and later, T'Pau sang. So ...... you need to be of 'a certain age' ! 😉
 
An older man, living alone, decided he wanted to add a pet companion to his life. After thinking long and hard about the decision, he buys a parrot and brings it home. However, the parrot almost immediately starts insulting the older man and gets really rude.

In a moment of frustration, the man picks up the parrot and tosses it into the freezer to teach it a lesson. But when the bird stops squawking, the man panics and opens the freezer.

The parrot walks out, looks up at the man, and says, “I apologize for offending you, and I humbly ask your forgiveness.”
The man replies, “Well, thank you. I forgive you, and I’m sorry too.” The parrot then says, “If you don’t mind my asking… what’d the chicken do?”
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