Terrible terrible jokes!

I’m trying, very trying 🙂 🙂
 
Another one from a cracker:

What did one wall say to the other wall?
"I'll meet you at the corner!"
 
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What do you call Santa's little helpers? Subordinate clauses...

What’s do you call Santa’s singing elves? Wrappers…

I have an ability to recognise the presents wrapped under the tree.
It's a gift.

My dog keeps wrapping things in cardboard. He's a boxer.

When I was in the supermarket earlier, I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode.
I asked, “Are you two an item?”
 
If I ever have a heart transplant, I'd want my ex's. It's never been used.

My boyfriend and I met on the internet. My mother asked him what line he used on me, and my
boyfriend replied, "I just used a modem."

My girlfriend isn't talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday. But how's that even possible? I didn't
even know it was her birthday.
.
 
Most trees are committed to one romantic relationship at a time.
They practice mahagony.

Saw a bug running round in circles.
I think it was trying to build up centipedal force.

A friend of mine invented a washing machine for bank notes.
It’s a real money spinner.

A friend did a PhD in Washing Machines.
He’s a Spin Doctor.

Scientists got bored watching the Earth spin after 24 hours, so they called it a day.
 
Why did the banker break up with his girlfriend? He was losing interest.

What happened when the candle started dating? It found the perfect match.

Why should you avoid falling in love with a pastry chef? Because he'll dessert you eventually.
.
 
My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I worked out.

So I listed the exercises I do every day: I jump to conclusions, climb the walls,
drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over
backwards, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.
.
 
A lack of a sense of humour by some means I cannot post some good ones . I think this one from the cracker left over from last year is OK.

What did Santa's little helpers learn at school?

The elf-abet!
 
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What do you get when you kiss a dragon? Burnt lips.

What did one volcano say to the other volcano? "I lava you!"

What did one raspberry say to the other? "I love you berry much."

What do you call two ants sharing a slice of pizza in Italy? Rome-ants.

Why did the square break up with the circle? She wasn't edgy enough.
.
 
If a man opens the car door for his date, you can assume one of two things must be true. Either the girl
is new or the car is new'

I got lost in your eyes. But I also get lost in most department stores, so I wouldn't read too much into it.
.
 
what Pizza does Santa order…..
Deep n crisp and even
 
A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer £50 to pull him out with his tractor.

After he was back on dry ground he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people
out of the mud night and day."

"Can't", replied to the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."
.
 
Are you French? Because Eiffel for you.

What happens when you fall in love with a chef? You get buttered up.

How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.

What did the hopeless romantic baker say to his dough? "I knead you."
.
 
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Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

OK, so what's the speed of dark?
.
 
Barrowman said:
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
.
Click to expand...
As “dark” doesn’t exist but is only the absence of light then the speed of dark is the speed of light.
If all light sources in the universe were turned off simultaneously we’d still see light until each wave had passed us by. So dark travels at the speed of light (he says ruining the joke).
 
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