Terrible terrible jokes!

I want to be with someone who will look at me the way I look at chocolate cake.

I just saw two zombies on a date. And they say romance is dead…

I used to date a girl who reported the weather. We had a stormy relationship.

"I'd rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth," the woman told her
dentist. He replied, "Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair."
.
 
I stopped off at the pub after work as normal but stayed a bit longer than expected....

My Mrs stormed in with a plate of beans on toast, slammed it on the bar and shouted
in front of all my mates "You spend all your time in here you might as well eat your tea
in here", then she stormed back out....

I've never been so embarrassed......I'd told the lads I was having steak tonight....
 
Everyone’s heard of Karl Marx but few know his sister was an Olympic athlete.
In her memory her name, Onya, is still mentioned before every race.
 
Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget, so he had to work it out with paper and pencil.

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
 
They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it's poisoned. Then the antidote
becomes the most important.

It turns out that a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true. I
can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
.
 
New Teslas don’t come with a new car smell they come with an Elon Musk.

A lorry carrying Vicks overturned on the motorway, Amazingly there was no congestion for 8 hours straight!

I couldn’t work out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked
 
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said, "Analogue."
I said, "No, just a watch."
--------------------
I went into a shop and I asked, "Can someone sell me a kettle."
The bloke said, "Kenwood."
I replied, "Where is he then?"
--------------------
I went to the doctor. I said to him, "I'm frightened of lapels."
He said, "You've got cholera."
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I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.
I can't remember his name.
It's P something T something R.
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Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm
for the rest of his life.

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself. I said, "No,
I'll probably put it in the living room"
.
 
I was at the bank going to withdraw money from my account when the clerk told me I had an outstanding
balance I told her, "Thank you I did gymnastics as a kid."

"I work with animals," a guy says to his date. "That's so sweet," she replies. "I love a man who cares about
animals. Where do you work?" "I'm a butcher," he replies.
.
 
Why do some kids have water with their cereal?... Because their dad never came back with the milk.

Your dad is so smart, he took one look at you and left.
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Rob Jones was hospitalised... Our thoughts and prayers go out to the hospital staff at this difficult time.

I’m in the hospital. Everyone should know… The
Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name.

Overheard this at the hospital:
Phlebotomist: "I’m here to draw some blood."
Patient: "But I just received blood yesterday."
Phlebotomist: "You didn’t think you’d get to keep it, did you?"
 
If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there. If you're almost there and then she laughs, then
you've got a whole different problem on your hands.

When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how
many people take knives with them on dates.
.
 
I went to the paint store to get thinner

It didn't work



I have a pen that writes underwater

It writes other words too
 
What's the last thing to go through a fly's head as it hits the windshield of a car going 70 mph? .... It's butt.

What do you call a dog with no legs? .... It doesn't matter what you call him, he won't come anyway.

Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. His hunting buddy immediately calls 999. "My friend isn't breathing," he shouts into the phone. "What should I do?" "Relax," the operator tells him. "I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There's silence, and then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone and says, "OK, now what?"
.
 
My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, asking, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?!"

Today I decided to visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, however, they refused and slammed the door in my face. My parents are the worst.
.
 
Found this on linked in
-------

A pensioner drove his brand new BMW to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought,
"I'm too old for this nonsense !"

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said,

"Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."

The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :-
"Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!

The Cop left saying,
" Have a good day, Sir "...
 
Two atoms are walking down the street. One atom says to the other, “Hey! I think I lost an electron!” The other asks, “Are you sure?” “Yes, I’m positive!

The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass as half empty. The chemist sees the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapour state.

What do you do with a sick chemist? If you can’t helium and you can’t curium, then you might as well barium
.
 
My marriage counsellor asked if it was true that I generally wake up grumpy in the morning. I said, "Nah, most
of the time I just let him sleep."

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep—not screaming like all the
passengers in his car.
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