Terrible terrible jokes!

I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.
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"Orion's Belt is a big waist of space." Terrible joke. Only three stars.

When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how
many people take knives with them on dates.
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I appreciated the stepladder joke, being a stepmother myself - and love the subtlety of Orion's belt! - a real sniggerfest in our house. :rofl:
 
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

You know you're not well-liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.
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It's important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words "antidote" and "anecdote," one of my good friends would still be alive.

I have a fish that can breakdance! Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.

My boyfriend said to me the other day, "If anything ever happens to me, I want you to meet someone new." Apparently, getting stuck in traffic doesn't count as "anything."
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At the end of the day, my dad always goes around pulling out all the plugs and
switching off all the lights, as he's very safety conscious.

I'll never know why he got the sack from Air Traffic Control!
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PUNography…

I changed my iPad name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
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I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
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When chemists die, they barium.
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Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
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A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
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A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend." The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better." "Thanks, Dad," the son says. The father shakes his head and says, "I was talking to your girlfriend."

Today I decided to visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling
nostalgic, however, they refused and slammed the door in my face. My parents are the worst.
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You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands.

For example: If they're wrapped around your throat, she's probably upset.
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My marriage counsellor asked if it was true that I generally wake up grumpy in the morning. I said, "Nah, most of the time I just let him sleep.

My parents raised me as an only child, which annoyed my younger brother.

My wife told me she'd slam my head on the keyboard if I didn't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
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What do you call a fly without wings? A walk!

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time!

What's the difference between a piano and a fish? You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.

What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little hoarse.

What do you call a factory that sells generally decent goods? A satisfactory.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it!
 
My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? "Grandson, watch how
far I can kick this bucket."

My wife of 60 years said to me, "Let's go upstairs and make love." I sighed and said, "Choose one, I can't do both."
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PUNography…

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
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How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
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I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
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This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
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I'm reading a book about anti-gravity, I can't put it down.
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A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched with tears in his eyes. He put his arm around
the mum and said, "That's arson."

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

My therapist told me to write letters to the people you hate and then burn them so I did, but now I don't know
what to do with the letters.
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PUNography…

I did a theatrical performance about puns, It was a play on words .
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They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.
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