Terrible terrible jokes!

Why did the banker break up with his girlfriend? He was losing interest.

What happened when the candle started dating? It found the perfect match.

Why should you avoid falling in love with a pastry chef? Because he'll dessert you eventually..
 
Did you hear about the man who drowned in his muesli?
He got pulled under by a strong currant.
------------------------------

How do monkeys make toast?
They just stick some bread under the gorilla.
------------------------------

How do snails keep their shells shiny?
They use snail varnish.
 
A couple are on a date at a fancy restaurant. The woman tells the man to say something to her that will get
her heart racing. He replies, "I forgot my wallet."

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up." I said, "Good idea. We can cover
more ground that way."
.
 
Two aerials met on a roof, fell in love, and got married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
------------------------------

What did the baby corn say to the mummy corn?
Where's Popcorn?
------------------------------

What's the difference between a bamboo model of Nelson's Column and a paracetamol?
One is a cane pillar and the other's a pain killer.
 
What do you get when you kiss a dragon? Burnt lips.

What did the barista say to her crush? "I like you a latte.

What did one volcano say to the other volcano? "I lava you!

What did one raspberry say to the other? "I love you berry much.
.
 
Why should you never date a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.

Why did the lion break up with his girlfriend? Because she was a cheetah.

What did one light bulb say to the other? "I love you watts and watts."
.
 
What does a ghost call their romantic partner? A ghoul friend.

What do you call two birds who are in love? Tweet hearts.

What did the light bulb say to the switch? "You turn me on.
.
 
Listening into a conversation in supermarket. “its awful everything goes up” meaning prices . Little chaps says no it doesn”t . Mum asks why . Well rain always comes down. It does mum it never goes up. I had to smile but it did make me laugh later.
 
What do bees do if they need a ride? Wait at the buzz stop.

What do you call a monkey that loves Doritos? A chipmunk.

I just saw two zombies on a date. And they say romance is dead…
.
 
Teaching is not for sensitive! At the local academy the English mistress was explaining the difference between past, present and future tense. She gives a few examples and then says ,"I am beautiful - which tense is that?". Little Jimmy pops up his hand and shouts "Past tense, miss!".
 
Why I Like Retirement!
-------------------------------

Q: How many days in a week?
A: Six Saturdays, One Sunday
------------------------------

Q: When is a retiree's bedtime?
A: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
------------------------------

Q: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it might take all day.
------------------------------

Q: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
A: There is never enough time to get everything done.
------------------------------

Q: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
A: The term comes with at least a 10% discount.
------------------------------
 
You are like my dentures. I can't smile without you.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and me together.
.
 
Why I Like Retirement!
----------------------

Q: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
A: Tied shoes.
------------------------------

Q: Why do retirees count pennies?
A: They are the only ones who have the time.
------------------------------

Q: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
A: NUTS!
------------------------------

Q: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
A: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
------------------------------

Q: What do retirees call a long lunch?
A: Normal.
------------------------------
 
Why do fish live in saltwater? Because pepper makes them sneeze.

What kind of streets do ghosts haunt? Dead ends.

Why do you tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast.

What kind of dogs love car racing? Lapdogs.
.
 
If I ever have a heart transplant, I'd want my ex's. It's never been used

I want to be with someone who will look at me the way I look at chocolate cake.

Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget, so he had to work it out with paper and pencil.
.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Why I Like Retirement!
----------------------

Q: What is the best way to describe retirement?
A: The never ending Coffee Break.
----------------------

Q: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
A: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
----------------------

Q: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
A: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
----------------------

Q: What do you do all week?
A: Monday to Friday, NOTHING… Saturday & Sunday, I REST.
 
A dog walks into a butcher shop and the butcher asks, “What do you want?”
The dog points to the steak in a glass case.

“How many kilos?” The dog barks twice. Two-kilo's said the butcher.

“Anything else?” The dog points to some pork chops and barks four times. So
the butcher wraps up a two-kilo steak and four pork chops and places the bag
in the dog’s mouth. He then takes money from a purse tied around the dog’s
neck and sees him out.

A customer, who has been watching in amazement, follows the dog to a house
several blocks away, where it rings the doorbell to be let in. As the owner appears
at the door, the customer says, “What a remarkable dog!”

“Remarkable?” snorts the owner. “This is the second time this week he's forgotten
his keys!"
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top