Terrible terrible jokes!

Remember, being healthy is dying as slowly as possible.

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face. For instance, when
you push them down the stairs.

"Welcome back to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today!"
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PUNography…

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I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
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Broken pencils are pointless.
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What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
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England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
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Talk about potholes - I hope it's not your road!!
 
It looks like our road!!!
 
PUNography…

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
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I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
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All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
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I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
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Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
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You know you're not well-liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a
group photo.

Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was,
they all replied, "Bach, Bach, Bach."
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My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, asking, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?!"
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My parents raised me as an only child, which really annoyed my younger brother.

I'd like to have kids one day. I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.
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A man just assaulted me with milk, butter, and cheese. How dairy.

When ordering food at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepared their chicken. "Nothing special," he
explained. "We just tell them they're going to die."
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How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool!

What do you call a row of rabbits hopping away?
A receding hare line!

Why don't they play poker in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs!
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Was there a “bus” that crossed the ocean?
Colum-bus.

What did the bus driver say to the frog?
Hop on.

How do eels navigate the seabed?
They go by octo-bus.

What do bus drivers eat in their sandwiches?
Traffic jam

Do your school buses run on time?
No, they run on diesel
 
PUNography…
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Velcro - what a rip off!
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Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
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Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
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Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.
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I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
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Did you hear about the population of Ireland's capital?
It's Dublin!

What's a bear with no teeth called?
A gummy bear!

What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music!

How do you make a Venetian blind?
Poke him in the eyes!
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A woman desperately wanted a few days off work, but she'd run out of holiday and knew the boss would not allow her to take leave. She thought that maybe if she acted "crazy" then he would tell her to take a few days off.

So she hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. Her co-worker asked her what she was doing? She told her that she was pretending to be a light bulb so that the boss would think she was "crazy" and give her a few days off work. A few minutes later the boss came into the office and asked, "What on earth are you doing?"
So she told him she was a light bulb. He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Why don't you ho home and recuperate for a couple of days?" She jumped down and walked out of the office.

When her co-worker followed her, the boss asked her, "And where do you think you're going?" She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"
 
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Did you hear about the porcupine who was near-sighted? The poor fellow fell in love with a pincushion.

If I ever have a heart transplant, I'd want my ex's. It's never been used.

What happened when the two vampires went on a first date? It was love at first bite.
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