Terrible terrible jokes!

I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
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I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
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The recruitment consultant asked me, "What do you think of voluntary work?"
I replied, "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
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I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."
He replied, "No, this is for the custard."
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
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My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, "You'll be next!" They stopped once I started
doing the same to them at funerals.

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just
send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think
she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
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My wife said, "What are those little things called that you blow into and make a wish?"

I said "Breathalyzers".
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I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?"

I replied, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
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I phoned the local builders today, I said to them, "Can I have a skip outside my house?"

He replied, "I'm not stopping you!"
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This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
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I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first." He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said, "You're closest."
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I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car.

He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again.

He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree.

The police came and asked me what had happened. I said, "I careered off the road."
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My wife of 60 years told me, "Let's go upstairs and make love." I just sighed and said, "Choose one, I can't do both."

A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched with tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mother and said, "That's arson."

My therapist told me to write letters to the people you hate and then burn them so I did, but now I don't know what to
do with the letters.
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I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.

It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
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I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.

I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
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I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar."

I replied, "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin."
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I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He asked, "How flexible are you?"

I replied, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
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What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm

A man just assaulted me with milk, butter, and cheese. How dairy.

When ordering food at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepared their chicken. "Nothing special," he explained. "We just tell them they're going to die."
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I went to the local video shop and I asked, "Can I borrow Batman Forever?"

The sales assistant replied, "No. You'll have to bring it back tomorrow."
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A grump a day keeps the doctor away.
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I'm not bitter. It's just what I drink.
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A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree complains.
"I'm a talking tree!" The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

A priest asks the convicted murderer in the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?" "Yes," replies the
murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"

"Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?" the patient asked. "To the morgue," the doctor replied. "What?" The
patient panicked. "But I'm not dead yet!" "And we're not there yet," the doctor said.
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I was at the bank going to withdraw money from my account when the clerk told me I had an outstanding balance
I told her, "Thank you I did gymnastics as a kid."

Do you know the phrase "One man's trash is another man's treasure"? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out
that you were adopted.
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It is so good to be appreciated as a pianist ...

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Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn't change colour?

He had a reptile dysfunction.
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A young bride was scouring the aisles of the supermarket. Up and down each aisle
she went, then started over again

The store manager noticed this and went over to her. "Can I help you find something,
miss?" he asked.

"It's Mrs.!", she said proudly, "I just got married."

"Congratulations, " said the manager. "What can I help you find?"

"Scratch," she replied.

"Scratch?" he asked, "Is that a new cleanser or something?"

"No silly," she replied brightly. "My wife told me that her mother made everything
from scratch, so I need to find some!"
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