Terrible terrible jokes!

SERENITY
Just before the funeral service, the priest came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"

"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."

"So you're 96," the priest commented.

She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"
 
For my funeral I've stated that I want my daughter to take the wreath off the top of the coffin and throw it backwards over her head so we can see who's next. I've also heard that you can hire a mystery woman to dress in black and watch from a distance and then disappear before anyone can talk to her.
 
SERENITY
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
 
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? "Supplies!"

What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum? A meltdown.
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They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it's poisoned. Then the antidote
becomes the most important.

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for
the two hardened criminals.
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SERENITY
I've sure become old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia. I have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet any more. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

But, happily, I still have my driver's licence.
 
Be kind to your children, because when you get older, they're the ones who are going to choose your nursing home.

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

Ageing gracefully is a nice way of saying you're slowly looking worse.
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How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.

Why didn't the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.

What's the most terrifying word in nuclear physics? "Oops!"
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SERENITY
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her parson she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over the local Aldi.

"Aldi?' the parson exclaimed. "Why Aldi?"

The elderly woman replied, "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
 
What do sheep do on a sunny spring day? Have a Baa-baa cue.

What animal runs the fastest during spring storms? Cheetahs, because they move at lightning speeds.

Why did the Easter egg hide? It was a little chicken.
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After another row between us, my partner broke the silence by saying, "This isn't working, is it?"

t was like a huge weight had been lifted off me and I turned to her and said, "Thank God you
feel the same way! The thought of living in a loveless relationship for years to come was
overwhelming me. I'll start looking for somewhere to live first thing in the morning."

As tears welled up in her eyes, she replied, "I was talking about the microwave..."
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After last night's football this old joke came back to me!

Fire brigade phones Arsene Wenger in the early hours of Sunday morning...

"Mr Wenger sir, Highbury is on fire!"
"The cups man! Save the cups!" replies Arsene.
"Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."
 
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny.

How does a bee brush its hair? With a honeycomb.

What do clouds wear during spring showers? Thunderwear.
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Dishevelled said:
Every time I think the public have voted in the worst possible way, they go right ahead and do even worse.
Click to expand...

This morning I wondered if Clarkson came first who was second, third, etc?

Anyway in second place is Tom Holland a Hollywood and West End actor I have never heard of.

Third is Prince William - a nice enough guy but not the next James Bond.

Fourth is Gareth Southgate

All I can say is "They should have gone to SpecSavers!"
 
MikeyBikey said:
This morning I wondered if Clarkson came first who was second, third, etc?

Anyway in second place is Tom Holland a Hollywood and West End actor I have never heard of.

Third is Prince William - a nice enough guy but not the next James Bond.

Fourth is Gareth Southgate

All I can say is "They should have gone to SpecSavers!"
Click to expand...
I'm a bloke and even I think that Henry Cavill easily beats all those 'losers' into a cocked hat!

But, what do the ladies think?
 
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