Terrible terrible jokes!

Contused said:
Double entendres, sort of…

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef!
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What do you call a dinosaur that has gone blind? Idonthinkhesaurus.
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My wife kept complaining I was horrible with directions. So I packed my bags and right.
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I like the bottom one, I packed my bags and right.. brill.
 
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Paleantologists have discovered the remains of a previously unknown type of dinosaur, one with a single large eye. Doyouthinkhesaurus will be on display at the Natural History Museum in 2025.
 
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick!

What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck!

Why did the robber jump in the shower? Because he wanted a clean getaway!
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Three Pastors were having lunch together at a diner.

The first Pastor said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with mice
in my church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.

The second Pastor then said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in the basement of the
church. I've set traps and even called an expert to remove them, yet they still won't go away."

With a grin, the third Pastor said, "I had the same problem so I baptized all mine
and made them members of the church... I haven't seen one back since!!!"
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I walked into my house on Friday night to a disturbing silence.
My wife was gone and a note was nailed to the wall.

The note said "We have your wife, if you want to see her again
alive we want £100,000. Please do not call the police, we are very
determined. Await a phone call!!!"

l tell you what ......they weren't joking about being determined!
By Saturday morning I had 83 missed calls!
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What has more lives than a cat? A frog, because it croaks every day!

Why should you avoid products with velcro? Because they're a total rip-off!

Why does Waldo only wear striped shirts? Because he doesn't want to be spotted!
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The kidnapped wife joke was done as a Two Ronnies sketch and was also a movie, Ruthless People I think it was called.
 
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What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match!

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana!

How did the duck buy lipstick? She just put it on her bill!
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I once went to A&E and told them I'd broken my arm in 3 places. They suggested I stopped going to those places. After they'd put it in plaster I asked if I'd be able to play the guitar once it was healed. They said yes, which was odd as I couldn't play it before.

RIP Tommy Cooper
 
Martin.A said:
I once went to A&E and told them I'd broken my arm in 3 places. They suggested I stopped going to those places. After they'd put it in plaster I asked if I'd be able to play the guitar once it was healed. They said yes, which was odd as I couldn't play it before.

RIP Tommy Cooper
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This is a true story. When I boke my femur on a Friday evening the surgeon popped in plates and screws on the Saturday morning (Friday evening in A&E was a nightmare as the place was full of drunks and druggies!). It was quite DIY as I could observe (I had an epidural) - nowadays they put up screens. He popped in to check his patients on the Sunday morning while his wife did the weekly Tesco shop nearby. He told me that I would be able to swim in six weeks. I had a number of outpatient appointments with him and at week 8 mentioned to him I could not swim after six weeks as he had said. He asked why and I mentioned I never could. He looked at me, grinned broadly and burst out laughing. :rofl: One of the great consultants one meets along the way! A pity there are an equal number of poor ones! :(
 
MikeyBikey said:
This is a true story. When I boke my femur on a Friday evening the surgeon popped in plates and screws on the Saturday morning (Friday evening in A&E was a nightmare as the place was full of drunks and druggies!). It was quite DIY as I could observe (I had an epidural) - nowadays they put up screens. He popped in to check his patients on the Sunday morning while his wife did the weekly Tesco shop nearby. He told me that I would be able to swim in six weeks. I had a number of outpatient appointments with him and at week 8 mentioned to him I could not swim after six weeks as he had said. He asked why and I mentioned I never could. He looked at me, grinned broadly and burst out laughing. :rofl: One of the great consultants one meets along the way! A pity there are an equal number of poor ones! :(
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My late father-in-law was like that after reading the leaflet for after his bypass. at x weeks you can iron and do light housework. never wife does that. At x weeks you can play golf and drive the car. Hmm, I've never played golf and they took my license away 5 years ago due to health reasons. So he was like.... I can drink my beer and take my whisky as all that's false. Oh, I'll do what I have always done and do what I want.
 
How does a rabbi make coffee? Hebrews it.

Why do French people eat snails? They don't like fast food.

Why do we tell actors to "break a leg?" Because every play has a cast.

Why did the M&M go to school? Because he wanted to be a Smartie
 
If you lose something in a senior care home, don't stop looking until you've searched every nook and granny.

At my age, the only pole dancing I do is holding onto the safety bar in the bathtub.

Why am I getting older and wider instead of older and wiser?
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