• Please Remember: Members are only permitted to share their own experiences. Members are not qualified to give medical advice. Additionally, everyone manages their health differently. Please be respectful of other people's opinions about their own diabetes management.

Terrible terrible jokes!

What’s E.T. short for? - Because he’s got little legs.

How bad is that??
.
 
Some years ago I went for a job interview for a position I had all the necessary qualifications and experience needed. At one stage the conversation went like this:

Interviewer: What would you say is your worst point? And no nonsense like "I want to kill my mother-in-law"
Me: I am far too honest
I: Now come on, I think honesty in business is a virtue to be proud of.
M: I don't give a toss what you think!

I did not get the job!
 
Today whilst in Tesco I put notes on some windscreens saying "Sorry for the damage. Give me a call on 07xx yyyyyy and I will pay for it". You should have seen their puzzlement as they looked for the damage and then frustration when they rung the number and got NU! :rofl:
 
Why did the 70-year-old refuse to play hide and seek?

Because they knew good hiding spots require too much bending and stretching!
.
 
Why did the 70-year-old take up gardening? .......Because they heard it’s a “growing” trend!

What’s a 70-year-old’s favourite mode of transportation? ........“Walking down memory lane”!

Why did the 70-year-old buy a trampoline? .........Because bouncing back is what they do best!
.
 
Angry, a man sits down at a bar and orders a drink. He mutters “These lawyers are jerks… all the same…”.

Sitting not too far away, a man in a suit responds “Hey, watch your mouth.”

“Why, are you a lawyer?” The man responds: “No, I’m a jerk.”
.
 
THE SENILITY PRAYER:

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!
 
A young woman goes to Confession. She tells the priest she's sinned with a man. He tells her to go home and suck a lemon. When she asks if that will cleanse her soul the priest says 'no' but it will wipe that smile off your face.
 
SERENITY

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her parson she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over the local Aldi.

"Aldi?' the parson exclaimed. "Why Aldi?"

The elderly woman replied, "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
------------------------------

Always Remember This:

You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing!
 
So NASA created a brand called “Sky paint.” It’s designed to reach high ceilings for decorating without extended rollers. There is now a “sky paint 2.” Which means as a painter & decorator.

You can work from home. Drum roll.
 
Satan’s little helper said:
So NASA created a brand called “Sky paint.” It’s designed to reach high ceilings for decorating without extended rollers. There is now a “sky paint 2.” Which means as a painter & decorator.

You can work from home. Drum roll.
Click to expand...
Does it have cloud functionality? o_O
 
A woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open. A policeman spies her and thinks, 'Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks just like that woman's right breast is hanging out!'
As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is indeed hanging out. When he gets face to face with her he says, "Ma'am, I could arrest you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why, officer?"
"Well, your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says "OMIGOD, I left the baby on the bus!" :rofl:
 
A woman takes her little boy to visit their dead relatives' gravestones at a cemetery. The little boy has never been to a cemetery before. The woman first takes her son her grandmother Annie's gravestone. The initials under Annie's name say R.I.P. The little boy asks, "Mummy, what does R.I.P. stand for?"
The woman replies, "It stands for 'Rest in Peace.' That means we wish for Grandma Annie's spirit to find peace in the afterlife." Then, they come across the gravestone of the woman's uncle Joe. The little boy asks, "Mummy, what does R.I.H. stand for?" pointing to the initials printed under Uncle Joe's name.
The woman simply replies, "We really didn't like Uncle Joe."
 
1725452161835.png
 
What did the bald man say when he got a comb on his birthday?
Thanks very much, I'll never part with it.
------------------------------

What has five toes and is not your foot?
My foot.
------------------------------

Why is it a bad idea to iron your four-leaf clover?
You shouldn’t press your luck.
------------------------------

Not a fan of Civil War jokes.
They're General Lee not funny.
------------------------------
 
We were so poor when we were kids, one Christmas my Dad wrapped up an empty box & told me it was an Action Man deserter.
------------------------------

What do you call a Gorilla with no ears?
Anything you want! It can’t hear you!
------------------------------
 
Last edited by a moderator:
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top