Terrible terrible jokes!

What’s E.T. short for? - Because he’s got little legs.

How bad is that??
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Some years ago I went for a job interview for a position I had all the necessary qualifications and experience needed. At one stage the conversation went like this:

Interviewer: What would you say is your worst point? And no nonsense like "I want to kill my mother-in-law"
Me: I am far too honest
I: Now come on, I think honesty in business is a virtue to be proud of.
M: I don't give a toss what you think!

I did not get the job!
 
Today whilst in Tesco I put notes on some windscreens saying "Sorry for the damage. Give me a call on 07xx yyyyyy and I will pay for it". You should have seen their puzzlement as they looked for the damage and then frustration when they rung the number and got NU! :rofl:
 
Why did the 70-year-old refuse to play hide and seek?

Because they knew good hiding spots require too much bending and stretching!
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A woman decides to donate her old and unwanted clothes to charity.

Husband: Why don't you just chuck the lit in the dustin?

Wife: Don't you realise there are poor starving people out there thanks to the last government!

Husband: Anybody who fits your clothes isn't starving!

He's now recovering in the brain injury unit of Liverpool hospital;
 
Why did the 70-year-old take up gardening? .......Because they heard it’s a “growing” trend!

What’s a 70-year-old’s favourite mode of transportation? ........“Walking down memory lane”!

Why did the 70-year-old buy a trampoline? .........Because bouncing back is what they do best!
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Angry, a man sits down at a bar and orders a drink. He mutters “These lawyers are jerks… all the same…”.

Sitting not too far away, a man in a suit responds “Hey, watch your mouth.”

“Why, are you a lawyer?” The man responds: “No, I’m a jerk.”
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I asked the director of a psychiatric ward how they know for sure if someone is mentally unstable and needs to be committed. He explained their method: they go to a bathroom and fill a bathtub to the top.

They then give the patient a big bucket and a small spoon and ask them to empty the tub.

“Ah,” I replied, “so the normal person chooses the bucket because it’s larger, right?” The director disagreed: “No, a normal person would simply pull the drain stopper.” And added, “By the way, is a room with a garden view ok for you?”
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A Polish immigrant goes to the optician for an eye exam. The optician pointed to a board with the letters:
C Z W I X N O S T A C Z
“Can you read this?” the optician asked.
“Read this?!” the Polish man replies, “I work with this guy!”
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THE SENILITY PRAYER:

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!
 
A young woman goes to Confession. She tells the priest she's sinned with a man. He tells her to go home and suck a lemon. When she asks if that will cleanse her soul the priest says 'no' but it will wipe that smile off your face.
 
SERENITY

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her parson she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over the local Aldi.

"Aldi?' the parson exclaimed. "Why Aldi?"

The elderly woman replied, "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
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Always Remember This:

You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing!
 
So NASA created a brand called “Sky paint.” It’s designed to reach high ceilings for decorating without extended rollers. There is now a “sky paint 2.” Which means as a painter & decorator.

You can work from home. Drum roll.
 
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