Terrible terrible jokes!

Satan’s little helper said:
So NASA created a brand called “Sky paint.” It’s designed to reach high ceilings for decorating without extended rollers. There is now a “sky paint 2.” Which means as a painter & decorator.

You can work from home. Drum roll.
Click to expand...
Does it have cloud functionality? o_O
 
A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open. A policeman spies her and thinks, 'Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks just like that woman's right breast is hanging out!'
As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is indeed hanging out. When he gets face to face with her he says, "Ma'am, I could arrest you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why, officer?"
"Well, your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says "OMIGOD, I left the baby on the bus!" :rofl:
 
A woman takes her little boy to visit their dead relatives' gravestones at a cemetery. The little boy has never been to a cemetery before. The woman first takes her son her grandmother Annie's gravestone. The initials under Annie's name say R.I.P. The little boy asks, "Mummy, what does R.I.P. stand for?"
The woman replies, "It stands for 'Rest in Peace.' That means we wish for Grandma Annie's spirit to find peace in the afterlife." Then, they come across the gravestone of the woman's uncle Joe. The little boy asks, "Mummy, what does R.I.H. stand for?" pointing to the initials printed under Uncle Joe's name.
The woman simply replies, "We really didn't like Uncle Joe."
 
1725452161835.png
 
What did the bald man say when he got a comb on his birthday?
Thanks very much, I'll never part with it.
------------------------------

What has five toes and is not your foot?
My foot.
------------------------------

Why is it a bad idea to iron your four-leaf clover?
You shouldn’t press your luck.
------------------------------

Not a fan of Civil War jokes.
They're General Lee not funny.
------------------------------
 
We were so poor when we were kids, one Christmas my Dad wrapped up an empty box & told me it was an Action Man deserter.
------------------------------

What do you call a Gorilla with no ears?
Anything you want! It can’t hear you!
------------------------------

How does a non-binary samurai kill people?
They slash them.
------------------------------
 
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.

Making mirrors is a job I can see myself doing.

I’m afraid of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it.

Two blondes walk into Tescos, you would have thought one of them would have seen the wall.
.
 
I thought that this wa a fun story from NotAlwaysRight.com

I work in an Indian restaurant in London that gets a lot of international visitors. An American family are checking out our menu and one of them exclaims to the other:

Customer: “I can’t believe they’ve decided to name a curry after Joe Rogan! I keep seeing it over here! You’d never have seen that five years ago!”

I then took it upon myself to explain to them what a ‘Rogan Josh’ was.

I really like rogan josh curry and I've just had some and I'm washing it down with Carlsberg Export.
 
Why are paediatricians always so grumpy? They have little patients.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Why did the melon jump into the lake? It wanted to be a water-melon.
.
 
A blonde walked into an electronics store and said to the salesmen: "I want that tv."

The salesperson shook his head and said, "No, we don't sell to blondes."

So the blonde left and came back with her hair dyed brown and said: "I'll take that tv."

Again the salesman said: "No, we don't sell to blondes."

So she left again and came back with her hair dyed black and said: "I want that tv."

But the salesman still said: "No, we don't sell to blondes."

Finally the blonde got fed up and said, "That's it! How'd you know I was a blonde?!" she asked.

The salesman answered: "Cause that's a microwave."
 
I like elephants. Everything else is irrelephant.

What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks.

Do you want to hear a construction joke? Sorry, I’m still working on it.
.
 
Putin was traveling incognito in the Ukranian countryside and stopped to talk with a local farmer.

“How big is your land” asked Putin.

Farmer responded proudly

“From here to that big oak tree in the near distance is one side of my land. Same square distance all around.”

Farmer then asked Putin:

“How big is your land?”

Putin responded he “could get in his car all day and not reach the end of his land”.

Farmer replied,

“I once had a car like that.”
 
There were two white Christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.

So John and Mike went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were.

John thought of a Muslim name and said, 'My name is Muhammad'. And Mike said 'My name is Mike'.

The Arab man said 'Hello Mike.' And told these other men to take Mike and give him food and drink.

Then he turned to John and said, 'Salaam Muhammad. Ramadan Mubarak!
 
My joke died on its arse.
I was at the gym this morning. I am not in the slightest interested in football, this is sort of relevant. In the locker room some guys are discussing having been to watch local football team Hull City play and about how dismal they were. I presume that they lost, it wasn't mentioned. It might be worth mentioning that everyone that was involved in this discussion is naked. Anyway, the conversation eventually turned to Roseinior. At this point I interjected that, some of his operas were quite good. This comment went completely unacknowledged.
Maybe I should have mentioned that he wrote the theme tune to The Lone Ranger as well.

As an aside, try googling Carl Palmer Band, William Tell Overture. I guarantee that you will see something brilliant.
 
"...but never quite the talent!"
I have no hair, a nice piano and a limited amount of talent. I really love Bach and it's fortunate that, as a music teacher he wrote quite a lot of stuff that we lesser mortals are able to play. But I really love his Italian Concerto and I fear that it will forever be beyond my limited abilities.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top