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Terrible terrible jokes!

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.

Making mirrors is a job I can see myself doing.

I’m afraid of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it.
 
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I thought that this was a fun story from NotAlwaysRight.com

I work in an Indian restaurant in London that gets a lot of international visitors. An American family are checking out our menu and one of them exclaims to the other:

Customer: “I can’t believe they’ve decided to name a curry after Joe Rogan! I keep seeing it over here! You’d never have seen that five years ago!”

I then took it upon myself to explain to them what a ‘Rogan Josh’ was.

I really like rogan josh curry and I've just had some and I'm washing it down with Carlsberg Export.
 
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Why are paediatricians always so grumpy? They have little patients.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Why did the melon jump into the lake? It wanted to be a water-melon.
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I like elephants. Everything else is irrelephant.

What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks.

Do you want to hear a construction joke? Sorry, I’m still working on it.
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Putin was traveling incognito in the Ukranian countryside and stopped to talk with a local farmer.

“How big is your land” asked Putin.

Farmer responded proudly

“From here to that big oak tree in the near distance is one side of my land. Same square distance all around.”

Farmer then asked Putin:

“How big is your land?”

Putin responded he “could get in his car all day and not reach the end of his land”.

Farmer replied,

“I once had a car like that.”
 
My joke died on its arse.
I was at the gym this morning. I am not in the slightest interested in football, this is sort of relevant. In the locker room some guys are discussing having been to watch local football team Hull City play and about how dismal they were. I presume that they lost, it wasn't mentioned. It might be worth mentioning that everyone that was involved in this discussion is naked. Anyway, the conversation eventually turned to Roseinior. At this point I interjected that, some of his operas were quite good. This comment went completely unacknowledged.
Maybe I should have mentioned that he wrote the theme tune to The Lone Ranger as well.

As an aside, try googling Carl Palmer Band, William Tell Overture. I guarantee that you will see something brilliant.
 
"...but never quite the talent!"
I have no hair, a nice piano and a limited amount of talent. I really love Bach and it's fortunate that, as a music teacher he wrote quite a lot of stuff that we lesser mortals are able to play. But I really love his Italian Concerto and I fear that it will forever be beyond my limited abilities.
 
What did the duck say when it bought lipstick? “Put it on my bill.”

What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.
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MikeyBikey said:
I brought "GPS for Seniors" for my smart phone. Not only does it get you there it tells you why you have gone there!
Click to expand...
Brilliant.......
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When you look for something, why is it always in the last place you look? Because when you find it, you stop looking.

Who eats snails? People who don’t like fast food!

A big moron and a little moron were standing on a cliff. The big moron fell off. Do you know why the other one didn’t? Because he was a little more on.
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What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? Dam.

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta-way.
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Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building?
...............Yes, a building can’t jump at all.

What’s the best way to stuff a turkey?
................Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream!
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My friend has joined a cult that worships black holes.
I’d hate to get sucked into something like that.
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How did one tectonic plate apologize to the other?
“My fault.”
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What happens when Orion's Belt collides with the Big Dipper?
Star Wars!
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What washes up on very small beaches? Micro-waves.

How does a farmer mend his overalls? With cabbage patches.

I got my husband a fridge for his birthday. His face lit up when he opened it.
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