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Terrible terrible jokes!

Did you hear I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.

What did the right eye say to the left eye? Between you and me, something smells.

Why did the student eat his homework? Because the teacher told him it was a piece of cake.
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What's the difference between an earth burger and a space burger?

One's a little meteor
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What do you call a cowardly chicken?

A chicken
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What brand of trainers (sneakers) do chickens wear?

Ree-bok-bokbok…
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My boy asked if I'd tell him about the eclipse.

I replied, "No son."
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Why did the cookie go to the hospital? Because he felt crummy.

What did one toilet say to the other toilet? You look flushed.

Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure? Because he was a little shellfish.
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Francis was in the Year 1 arithmetic class and the teacher asked "Francis, if you had £10 and I asked to borrow £8 how much money would you have left?"
Francis "£10 Teach"
Teacher "£10 Francis???"
Francis " Yes Teach! You might ask but it doesn't mean I will lend it to you!"
 
The giraffes weren’t hired as staff in the hotel as they are high maintenance.

What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satis-factory.

What did the mayonnaise say when someone opened the refrigerator door? Could you
could you close the door I am dressing.
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How does NASA organize a party?

They planet.
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A huge fight broke out at Red Lobster.

There were battered fish, everywhere.
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I had a meeting with a microbiologist.

He was much larger than I expected.
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"In Case Of… "

ep09SAXd_o.jpg
 
Why did Mozart kill his chicken? Because it kept saying Bach, bach, bach.

What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine? Give me my quarterback!

Why was the sand wet? Because the seaweed.
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Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.

What did the triangle say to the circle? You’re pointless.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
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Three old people are sitting around the table discussing the irritations of getting old. One said "I'm sometimes at the fridge door with a bottle of mayo, and cannot remember if I am putting it in or taking it out". Another said "I'm sometimes on the landing halfway up our staircase and can't remember whether I am going up or down". The third said "Thank goodness I suffer none of those things, touchwood". They then rapped their knuckles on the table and said "Oh there's someone at the door. I will get it"
 
  • The secret to life is to handle every situation like a dog: If you can’t play with it, eat it or bury it, just pee on it and walk away.
 
What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race? Ketchup.

What did one wall say to the other wall? "I'll meet you at the corner."
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