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Terrible terrible jokes!

A customer enters a coffee shop and asks the barista for the wifi password.
“You need to buy coffee first,” the barista says.
“Okay, I’ll have an espresso,” the customer says.
After paying, the customer asks, “Can I have the password now?”
The barista replies, “Of course! It’s ‘youneedtobuycoffeefirst’. All lowercase, no spaces.”
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On a busy holiday, the zoo manager offers £200 to a worker to act as a gorilla since the real one is sick. Determined to impress his boss, the worker climbs the enclosure and hangs from the ceiling of the lion’s den. However, he slips and falls to the floor, just a few feet away from the lion. Scared for his life, he starts screaming for help. Soon, the lion pounces on him and whispers, “Stop talking right now or you’re going to get us both fired.”
 
On a busy holiday, the zoo manager offers £200 to a worker to act as a gorilla since the real one is sick. Determined to impress his boss, the worker climbs the enclosure and hangs from the ceiling of the lion’s den. However, he slips and falls to the floor, just a few feet away from the lion. Scared for his life, he starts screaming for help. Soon, the lion pounces on him and whispers, “Stop talking right now or you’re going to get us both fired.”

Ahhh! That's why my energy provider's call centre is staffed by monkeys! :rofl:
 
One day a woman goes out after work on Friday night with her friends. She finally staggers home around midnight. Thinking her husband will probably be asleep she takes off her shoes and creeps up the stairs. On opening the bedroom door she sees four feet sticking out the bed with the duvet over the couple's head. Her husband's golf clubs are behind the door and in a fury she grabs a driver and thrashes the bed like Basil did to his 1100! Leaving to the sounds of moans and groans she then goes downstairs for a drink to calm her nerves. On entering the kitchen she sees her husband f
drinking a coffee and reading Autosport's preview of the coming weekend's Las Vegas GP. He says "Hi darling, your parents made a surprise visit and as you were out I let them use our bedroom to catch up with you in the morning. But I heard you go up to say 'Hello'!. His next thought was "Obviously far too much to drink as she started sobbing uncontrollably.
 
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It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few local businesses as a result of increased rents and business rates. A local bra manufacturer has gone bust, a submarine company has gone under, a manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation, a dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers and a company supplying paper for origami enthusiasts has folded. Interflora is pruning its business and Dyno-rod has gone down the drain!
 
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Why shouldn’t you trust artists? Because they can be sketchy.

How do you tell the difference between a bull and a cow? It is either one or the udder!

I got a job at a paperless office. Everything was great until I needed to use the bathroom.
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Q: Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?
A: Because it's two tyred.
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and was standing in the lobby discussing recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked.

"Because," he replied, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
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I met a dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week

Phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunatly she had already popped her clogs
 
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
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Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change.
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Groaner Alert! It's Baaaaaaaa-d!

One Christmas, Phil and Will decide to build a skating rink in the middle of a pasture. A shepherd leading his flock decides to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepherd begins tugging them to the other side.

"Look at that," remarks Phil to Will. "That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!"
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Why did the skunk take out a loan? Because he only had one scent.

Why did the pony ask for a glass of water? It was a little horse.

How did the phone propose to his girlfriend? He gave her a ring.
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I woke up this morning with stir fry all over the bed

Must have been sleep wokking again!
 
I used to have a phobia of speed bumps......but i slowly got over it
 
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
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Q: What kind of doctor fixes broken web sites?
A: URLologist.
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A woman is in court for attacking her husband with several of his guitars. "First offender?" the Judge asks.
"No, first a Gibson, second a Fender," the woman replies.
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A man walks into a dentist and says 'i think im a moth'

Dentist says 'i think you need a doctor not a dentist'

Man says 'i know but your light was on'
 
I was once addicted to the Hokey Cokey, but I turned myself around.
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Q: Why did Adele cross the road?
A: To sing "Hello From The Other Side."
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I got to work this morning and found a lump of Plasticine on my desk.
I don't know what to make of it.
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