Terrible terrible jokes!

i post this with apologies to all........

A newly qualified doctor arrives for his first day at a hospital, deep
in the Welsh valleys. He is met by one of the sisters, who has been
given the task of showing him around the hospital and introducing him to
the staff and patients.

It is a large hospital and it takes the whole day to get round. By late
afternoon they are working their way through the psychiatric block and
as the time approaches for the evening meal they arrive at the last
ward. They follow the dinner trolley into the ward and wait while one of
the nurses lifts the lid on the food tray. To the doctor's surprise
there is but a single haggis on the tray to feed a whole ward.

One of the patients moves towards the trolley in a purposeful manner
addressing the haggis,

Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin'-race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy of a grace
As lang's my arm.

Before he can reach the haggis another patient sprints forward, grabs
the simple repast and dashes up the ward. He proudly holds the haggis
aloft and cries out in a commanding voice,

Some hae meat and cannae eat.
Some cannae eat that want it:
But we hae meat and we can eat,
Sae let the Lord be thankit.

At this, a kilted dervish leaps from his bed, whips a sgian dubh out of
his sock and lunges at the haggis carrier. With a deft movement the
haggis bearer fends off the flashing blade with the haggis. Although this
prevents any injury it does result in the top of the haggis being hacked
off. A small mouse obviously waiting upon this event dashes out from
under a bed, grabs the loose piece of haggis and scampers up the ward,
running the gauntlet of slashing claymores and hurled dirks from various
patients. At the end of the ward stands a bent and wizened old man with
a wild fire in his eyes. He screams at the mouse,

Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,
O, what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
Wi bickering brattle!
I wad be laith to rin an chase thee,
Wi murdering pattle

And then dives upon the poor little mouse. With a left dummy and a right
feint, the mouse dodges between the old man's legs, through a hole in
the skirting board and to safety with his prize. The doctor turns to the
sister and asks, "Why is this psychiatric ward so full of Scotsmen?"

"Oh no, doctor, these are not Scotsmen, they are genuine valley
dwellers, born and bred," she replies, "and, anyway, this is not a
psychiatric ward, it is the serious Burns unit."
 
I have to admit, it did make me laugh aloud but it took a while to read. My tea got cold.

Good one though. I doubt I shall be repeating it anywhere though, even if I could remember or pronounce it!
 
A man arrives at the bar, seemingly very upset after a terrible day.
He orders an expensive liquor shot and downs it right away. “One more!”

The bartender serves him again, and again the man downs the shot right away. “One more!”.
After five shots, the man reveals: “If you had what I had, you’d be drinking this fast too”.

Worried, the bartender asks what the man has.
The man responds “I only have £2…”
.
 
I received a blank text from my wife the other day.

When I arrived from work I asked "Why did you send me a blank text?"

"Because I'm not talking to you," she said.
.
 
I was told by my doctor that I should start exercising. So I joined an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, and
jumped for an hour. By the time I got on my workout clothes, the class was over.
.
 
i had to laugh at hubby today.
There was an open day at the Crematorium.
He said to me you could always go and try it out.
For him or me I thought.... sorry it just seemed funny at the time. If you read too much it could upset some but it was meant seriously that I could visit but I read more into it.
 
Why do cow-milking stools only have three legs? Because the cow's got the udder.

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? "Supplies!"
.
 
OK, so I know that most people have probably already heard this one, but I'll tell it anyway.

A guy out shopping spots a pack of Olympic themed connies and decides to buy them. They come in a three pack in gold silver and bronze. So, when bed time comes around, he shows them to his girl and asks her which one she wants him to use, should I use gold? She replies, why don't you use silver and come second for once?

Badoom Tish.
 
Want to hear a roof joke? The first one's on the house.

What should you do if you're attacked by a group of clowns? Go straight for the juggler.

I saw a movie about how ships are put together. It was riveting.
.
 
I flew to Aberdeen yesterday. When I checked in I said to the clerk "I would like the large case sent to Belfast and the two smaller ones to Manchester". He said "Sorry sir, we cannot do that's. I said "That's odd, you did that last week!".
 
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
.
 
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer the other day.

I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
.
 
Three fish are in a tank.
One asks the others, “How do you drive this thing?”

Why don’t crabs donate? Because they’re shellfish.

What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
 
A friend isxa retired bus driver so these jokes are dedicat to him! 🙂

Q. What bus crossed the Atlantic?
A. Colum-bus

Q. Why did the bus stop at the river
A. If it had not there would have been a very big splash!

I hopped on a bus. The conductor told me to sit down like everybody else.

My bus driver friend kept going that extra mile. That's why she got the sack!

Q. What do you always get on an electric bus?
A. A conductor

W. Why did the bus stop near the zoo!
A. It saw a zebra crossing
 
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