Terrible terrible jokes!

What do you say if it's raining chickens and ducks in April? "Enjoying the fowl weather?"

Why did the farmer plant a seed in his computer? Because he wanted to download some spring flowers.

What is the king's favourite kind of weather? A reign-y day.

Do bees fly in the rain? Yes, but before they go out they must put on their yellow jackets.
 
What do you call birds who stick together? Vel-crows.

What do you call it when one cow spies on another? A steak out.

What happens when a frog's car breaks down? It gets toad.
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A class was given homework to find out something exciting and tell it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of
the class. He picked up a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was. "It's a 'period'," he replied. "I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is
so exciting about a 'period'?"

"Darned if I know," said the boy, "but yesterday my sister was missing one, Mum fainted, Dad had a heart
attack and the boy next door joined the Army!
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What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but its flag is a big plus.
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What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? "Oh sheet!"

Why do cow-milking stools only have three legs? 'Cause the cow's got the udder.

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
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I have a photographic memory. The film ran out thirty years ago!

I traced my ancestors to find my grandfather died two years before my father (his son) was born!
 
I got booted out of the coffee club for wearing a tea shirt!

I read that sharks can grow up to 24 feet. The ones in the aquarium did not have a single one!
 
What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a unicycle? Attire.

Why do players take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole-in-one.

Why do fish live in saltwater? Because pepper makes them sneeze.
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Much to everybody's surprise Sharon had reached £500,000, on "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?".. Jeremy summed it up by saying "Sharon, you now have £500,000 and just one question away from £1.000.000, and you also have Lifeline left Phone a Friend". "If you get the answer right you win £1.000.000 but get it wrong you only keep £32,000! Would you like to hear the question"?

"Yes please Jeremy"

"OK Sharon, the question is what bird does not make its own nest - A) a sparrow, B) a robin, C) a cuckoo or D) a crow?"

"I don't really know Jeremy, can I phone my friend Tarquin?"

So anyway Jeremy phones Tarquin introduces himself and repeats the question.

Tarquin says "That's an easy one, everybody knows it's C) a cuckoo"

"What do you want to do Sharon, freeze or answer the question?"

"I will go with cuckoo Jeremy"

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"You have just won £1,000,000 Sharon"

A few days later Sharon is celebrating which Tarquin over a bottle of champagne (Louis Roederer) at a local night spot. "How did you know that answer Tarquin?"

Tarquin replies "I thought everybody knew cuckoos live in clocks!"
 
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What did the horse say after it tripped? .... Help! I've fallen and I can't giddyup!

What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer? .... A father-in-law!

How did the barber win the race? ....He knew a shortcut!
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An old man goes to the doctors office. ..

As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private." The man walked out, waited a few minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?' "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?" "I can't **** out of it..."
 
What do you call a row of rabbits hopping away? A receding hare line!

Why wouldn't the shrimp share his treasure? He was a little shellfish!
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I bought a new car today. It's got no floor but it's great for running about in.

You can't run through a campsite you can only ran through it. Past Tents.

After an explosion at a pie factory the debris spread over a 3.142 mile radius.

'For Sale Chiropractor monthly. Loads of back issues.
 
Did you hear about the population of Ireland's capital? It's Dublin!

Did you hear about the sensitive burglar? He takes things personally!

How does a rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator!
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I used to do tap dancing: kept falling off the sink! Da daaaaa!!!
 
SERENITY

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
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These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'
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Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
 
What do Aliens like to eat?
Unidentified Frying objects

What do you call an old snowman?
A glass of water

What do you call a Spider with 9 eyes?
A Spiiiiiiiiider

What did the Alien say to the flowerbed?
Take me to your weeder

How do Aliens get their babies to go to sleep?
They rocket
 
"How does a rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator!"

Actually with timing chips. The technology that makes life so much easier for organisers of running events was originally developed by a farmer who wanted to track the movements of livestock.

As for the tap dancing joke, I'm sure there was a similar joke about morris dancing once.
 
How do you make an egg roll? You push it!

When is a door, not a door? When it's ajar! (Now that is terrible - and old)

Why did the baby strawberry cry? Because his parents were in a jam!

Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb!
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