Proud to be erratic
Well-Known Member
- Relationship to Diabetes
- Type 3c
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Thank you.Stay strong @ColinUK. Its OK to feel sorry for yourself and even better to write about it, rather than bottle it up and let it ferment! Hope the next day or 2 brings news and answers.
PS: what is OA?
That sounds hard, but you have the right attitude towards it, focus on other things, if they want to behave that way then its no real loss to you but I understand thats painful, take care xxMorrning
8.1 today
@ColinUK sending massive hugs your way, you know everyone here is around for you
@Michael12421 sending gentle hugs your way and hope you feel better soon
Well my auntie is starting to show her true colours to the rest of the world, when I was on the phone to my grandad last night he suddenly chimes in "oh" (this isn't usually a good sign as that's how he starts the someone has passed away story) but not this time, at least 3 of his friends at the party (the ones we were sitting next to and getting on quite well with) had commented to him yesterday that they noticed the dirty looks we had been getting and thought it was blooming awful and disgusting, this has happened all my life, my auntie and uncle make friends, show their true colours eventually and then that's the end of the friendship but I can see us being hated even more now, I don't really care, I'm not fake like them and everyone knows it xx
Just wanted to say, you write the most beautiful poetry, and it seems to help you express yourself so please keep on with that.Just to explain... I ate my feelings and fear last night. Leg was playing up so couldn't really get further than Waitrose during the day. Went with a friend to IKEA last thursday and it was a long long day. Hired a van and drove and walked about 18k steps. Was out for 12 hours. Leg still hasn't recovered. Felt really sorry for myself yesterday and then (and yes I know this sounds silly) went to Waitrose specifically to use my vouchers and forgot to swipe them at the checkout!
Bought foods I really should know better about buying so rather than throw them away I ate them.
Checked medical records on the GP app to see if there was any news about my referral and nothing has been updated so felt doubly sorry for myself. Put the gym membership on suspension as I'm paying for it and can't go so felt triple sorry for myself at that.
Then dad texted to say "Mum's ok. All went well and she's back home x" and I checked my calendar and didn't have any clue why she's been in hospital at all so then felt even worse than useless and felt I'd let them down by not knowing what was going on.
So I ate. It was a lovely chocolate and sour cherry trifle from Waitrose but I hated almost every single mouthful I swallowed as I knew I was punishing myself and it was not going to help BG levels.
Pretty immediately after that I went to bed (it was still early but just didn't want to engage with the world so retreated). Slept atrociously even by my standards and joined an online OA meeting this morning where the reading was all about love.
I've been attending OA meetings for a couple of weeks now and am fighting the God concept thing and also the surrender to the program thing as well. I feel that I ought to be strong enough to do this by myself, which is of course my ego driving an erroneous logical outcome as I clearly cannot. Hence the OA.
On a wider note I've heard from the Investigating Officer in charge of investigating my allegations (he's the one who sits atop the whole thing - the SOIT officer was the day to day contact) and because the SOIT officer is still off ill he's encouraging me to reach out directly to him with any concerns or questions I have. It's still being investigated and he's also said that he hopes to have a "significant update" within a few weeks. So I'm anxious about that and am now having dreams (which implies I'm sleeping but I'm not however it's the only way I can think to describe them) of sitting in court and seeing the face of the man who hurt me so badly all those years ago. I worry I won't recognise him. I worry I will.
Checked the NHS app last night and there's a note on there saying that the hospital will contact me "before 2nd Nov 2022" to book my appointment so obviously I'm anxious about that as well. I want the surgical consult asap but I'm concerned about what might go wrong. Will I recover fully? Will I recover quickly? Will I go even more bonkers staying at mum and dad's for a few days convalescence? Will I permanently need a stick afterwards? Or not? I don't know but it's clearly playing on my mind.
I am still writing poetry and do find that helps. As does this place. As do you all.
I wrote these two yesterday and I think my shift in mood between times is evident.
I sit on a stone bench
One of many in the square
Overlooking a fountain
now a computer controlled
water-based installation
People stroll
Some with purpose
Many seemingly without
One side of the square is Central St Martins
overflowing with creativity
And limitless people
wrapped in High Fashion
Children play dare with the fountain
Tempting jets to shoot from the under croft
and change their experience of now.
----------------
I want to write a poem.
I want to entertain.
I pick up pen and paper
and hear the distant rain.
I see a page of potential
And blank it does remain.
I want to live my life
Free to find my way
Not haunted by shadows
that darken my every day.
I have years of potential
To silence the old refrain.
You don’t deserve to love
It says so loud and clear
Oh so empowered
by each and every tear.
I again am deferential
and feel the pain.
------
The worst thing about the chocolate and sour cherry trifle is that you can’t really leave any for another day. As soon as you take a spoon to it there’s a landslip to the hole just created with the spoon.Just wanted to say, you write the most beautiful poetry, and it seems to help you express yourself so please keep on with that.
If I was going to eat something, I would choose a cherry and chocolate cake or trifle so can relate, try and put that behind you, we all slip at times, we are all human, be kind to yourself xx
I have some spare too....10.4Maybe if we combine and average our BG levels we could both come out of it with decent scores!
Not painful for me, I just want them to have more respect for my grandad xxThat sounds hard, but you have the right attitude towards it, focus on other things, if they want to behave that way then its no real loss to you but I understand thats painful, take care xx
Wouldn't ruin it for my grandad, it was his day, he's feeling more comfortable today thanks, I said if it got worse he'd need to see a Dr but he can't afford the time off work, he's had so many days off unpaid this year due to stuff for the new house etc and he was off 1 and a half days the other week after his reaction at work and as his blood results were sent to a specialist he may require more time off to do with that but he's still not heard anything about his results 🙄 xx@Kaylz there is nothing worse than noxious people, you've got the right attitude, rising above it... and obviously other people see through it! BTW hope Bruce is healing, has he seen a Dr?