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Terrible terrible jokes!

What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

Why don’t lobsters like to share? They’re shellfish.
 
What did the shy pebble say? - I wish I were a little boulder.

I quit my job at the helium factory today. - I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.

I went to a great wedding the other week. - It was so emotional, even the cake was in tiers.
 
Q: What did the Pirate say when he turned 80?
A: Aye matey!
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A grasshopper sits down at a bar. The bartender says, "We have a drink named after you."
The grasshopper answers in surprise, "What, you got a drink named Bob?"
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Conjunctivitis.com
Now that's a site for sore eyes.
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A man, walking with his friend, says, "I'm a walking economy."

His friend asks, "How so?"

The man replies, "My hairline is in recession. My stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression."
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Got a nasty leak under the sink

Screenshot_20241206-092142_Chrome.jpg
 
I was interrogated over the theft of a cheese toastie.......they really grilled me
 
A director tells an actor, “I want you to play a cat in this play”.

The actor responds, “Me? How?”

The director says, “ That’ll do”.
 
C&E Guy said:
I like musicals and Strictly.

But I don’t make a big song and dance bout it.
Click to expand...

GROOOOANNN!! :rofl::rofl::rofl:

But it did remind me of this helpful Health and Safety notice:

1739695742499.jpeg
 
A skeleton walks in to a bar and says, "Give me a beer, and a mop."
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I'm not sure what I like best about Switzerland, but their flag is a big plus.
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Q: Want to hear a word I just made up?
A: Plagiarism.
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Five ants move in with another five ants.
They are now tenants.
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I got a job as a bin man

Didnt get any training....i just had to pick it up as i went along
 
Why is it a bad idea to iron your four-leaf clover? You shouldn’t press your luck.

The giraffes weren’t hired as staff in the hotel as they are high maintenance.

What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satis-factory.
 
I didn't like my beard at first, but then it grew on me.
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I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eye… now I have Heinzsight.
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Q: Why do scuba divers fall backwards?
A: Because if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat.
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Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An impasta.
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Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
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A guy walks in to a bar and asks, "Is the bartender here?"
Another guy answers, "Yeah, so don't lean on it."
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Did you hear I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.

What did the right eye say to the left eye? Between you and me, something smells.

Why did the student eat his homework? Because the teacher told him it was a piece of cake.
 
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