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Terrible terrible jokes!

A local coal miner's avocation (hobby) was painting, but he couldn't afford to buy canvasses. Instead, he painted on the walls of his small cottage. Unfortunately, a gang of youths broke into his cottage and defaced his paintings.

The young miscreants were charged in court with having "corrupted the murals of a miner."
 
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
 

I gave my handyman a list of chores to do for me around the house, but he only did numbers 1, 3 and 5. It turns out that he only does odd jobs.​

 
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Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (a green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
 
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Terrible riddle:-
Which craft is always angry?
.......
Cross stitch...... I 'll get my coat o_O
 
My favorite word is drool

It just rolls off the tongue
 
Why is it a bad idea to iron your four-leaf clover? You shouldn’t press your luck.

The giraffes weren’t hired as staff in the hotel as they are high-maintenance

What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satis-factory.
 
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
 
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