Terrible terrible jokes!

everydayupsanddowns

everydayupsanddowns

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Here’s a thread for all your favourite terrible jokes.

But please think carefully before posting. What is humorous to one person can be offensive to another. Any ‘jokes’ that rely on sexist, racist, homophobic, transphobic, bigoted, anti-faith, or misogynistic stereotypes will be removed without notice.
 
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I’ll kick off with a contender for joke of the festival from Edinburgh Fringe a few years back:

“Hedgehogs. Why can’t they just share the hedge?!”
 
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everydayupsanddowns said:
Here’s a thread for all your favourite terrible jokes.

But please think carefully before posting. What is humorous to one person can be offensive to another. Any ‘jokes’ that rely on sexist, racist, homophobic, transphobic, or misogynistic stereotypes will be removed without notice.
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I would like to add Misandry, anti-Catholicism and Islamophobia to that list.

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A woman told her friend, “I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising."
So, I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But by the time I got my leotard on the class had finished..
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"I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But by the time I got my leotard on the class had finished..."

Try open water swimming, putting a wetsuit on can feel like that sometimes.
 
Why aren't koalas actual bears?

They don't have the right koalafications.
.
 
Double entendres, sort of…

I went to a bee keeper and asked for 12 bees. He gave me 13. I said, 'Sir, you gave me one extra.' He said, 'That’s a free bee.'
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A Vick’s Vaporub truck crashed during rush hour this morning. Despite blocking multiple lanes, there was no congestion.
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What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.
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What do ticks and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They are both ParisSites.
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Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it.
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A man from country A, a man from country B, and a man from country C are each sentenced to a year in solitary confinement; before being locked away, each is to be granted a year's supply of whatever he wants to help him get through the long, long spell alone.

The man from country A asks for a year's supply of whisky; it's given to him and he's locked away.
The man from country B asks for a year's supply of beer so he's locked up with several thousand bottles of it.
The man from country C asks for a year's supply of cigarettes and he's given a pile of cartons and the cell door is shut on him.

One year later, the doors are all unlocked.

The man from country A staggers out and shouts, 'I'm free!' and then keels over dead from alcohol poisoning.
The man from country B is dragged out into the light, whereupon he promptly dies of liver failure.
When the door to the man from country C’s cell is opened, everybody watches eagerlyto see what sort of a wreck the man has made of himself. To their surprise, he walks right out the door, sidles up to the first person he sees, and asks, 'I say, old boy, you wouldn't happen to have a match, would you?'
 
Bit of political humour. Contemporary reference too.

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The funny is that that’s the Natural History Museum.
 
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eggyg said:
I’ve decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. It’s just gathering dust.

I broke wind in a lift, it was wrong on so many levels.
Click to expand...
Love In An Elevator is wrong on so many levels
 
Double entendres, sort of…

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef!
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What do you call a dinosaur that has gone blind? Idonthinkhesaurus.
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My wife kept complaining I was horrible with directions. So I packed my bags and right.
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