Hate

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spell said:
It was suggested by psychologist to join a forum for help cos they couldn't help me, if they can't who can
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Would it have anything to do with the fact that you won't accept help and just throw everything back at whoever is trying to help? :(
Unfortunately help starts at home, so you have to help yourself and also accept help from others when offered. Forum members would love to help you if you let your guard down and allowed us to help you.
 
Pumper_Sue said:
Would it have anything to do with the fact that you won't accept help and just throw everything back at whoever is trying to help? :(
Unfortunately help starts at home, so you have to help yourself and also accept help from others when offered. Forum members would love to help you if you let your guard down and allowed us to help you.
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Well my number one option was to give up and go die in a ditch, surely by joining a forum that's a step.
Unfortunately most people who have tried to help me have said the same thing, I'm hard work
 
spell said:
Well my number one option was to give up and go die in a ditch, surely by joining a forum that's a step.
Unfortunately most people who have tried to help me have said the same thing,
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Yep, joining the forum is a start 🙂 Step 2 is to allow people who have the same condition to help you 🙂
 
You're not hard work, it's just that your experience has put you in a bad place. By joining the forum, you have shown a willingness to get help, and (perhaps more importantly), a desire for positive change. Everyone here wants to help you, so please be open to what people say.
 
I can see you are depressed and at the end of your tether with this, your anger at Type 1 is understandable when it has restricted your life so much but everyone here is trying to help you feel better.

My mum didnt have diabetes but she nursed my dad for 9 years, then got alzeimers and ovarian cancer, but even though she hardly knew who anyone was anymore, she carried on being upbeat and making the best of life, every time she was given worse news (both regarding her health and my dads) she dealt with it. At the end she would say when we visited her, I dont know who you are but I know I love you. She was in a home at the end but despite her illness, joined in with the activities, dancing,singing and one nurse after my mum passed said to me, your mum was so cheerfull, she used to sit out here with me and chat in the early hours. I hope you dont mind me sharing that but what I am trying to say is, you cant change what you have and it is your right to ignore it and carry on as if you dont have it, its your life but others here are also battling with the same condition and coming on here for support and to lift there mood.

I dont want to detract from your genuine concerns but everyone on here rushed over to offer you support, if you just want to chat then we are all here for you, we all have bad days, and tomorrow you may feel differently x
 
Amity Island said:
I realised a while ago, that hate only hurts you. It eats away at your soul. Hate provides no help to your health. I don't love my diabetes, but I do accept it. Acceptance and hate are a long, long way appart. You have my full sympathy and complete understanding having to live with such a time consuming and impacting condition.

Perhaps you could make just a small, mindful step away from hate towards acceptance. And then a few more. It might give you some respite from it all.
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I realized that about hate hurting you and the release and freedom when you do get rid of those feelings, mine is more in relation to my ex after we split up, I was so angry and miserable while he got on with his life, I made a conscious decision to lose the hate and move on, on the whole, letting go of strong negative emotions can really help. Be kind to yourself x
 
spell said:
Who else hates this f****** s******w of a disease?had it for 43 years, every day is hate it's all i know
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Me plus all my other co- morbidities. similar age to you so from your generation. Why havn't you joined the forum years ago? Nothing new on hear that you havn't heard before. That's not what its about. Members offer support and sometimes a tip you may find helpful. Your worsening your condition with the amount of venom thats displayed in your words. Here and now is your hand you've been dealt. Either fold and suffer till you die,or twist and try and manage the best you can. My only advice to you is remember there is someone who is worse of than you. Peace-love and welcome to the club.
 
spell said:
Well my number one option was to give up and go die in a ditch, surely by joining a forum that's a step.
Unfortunately most people who have tried to help me have said the same thing, I'm hard work
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Yes, you’ve made a big first step joining here. It’s not easy to reveal your feelings to strangers or discuss problems. Being ‘hard work’ is usually a defence mechanism or an automatic reaction that’s become a habit. It doesn’t mean you yourself are hard work.

I wonder if you’re associating acceptance, control and giving in? You don’t have to accept Type 1, but you do have to acknowledge it and control it. Aiming for good control isn’t giving in to the diabetes. You can still reject it and hate it. Trying to control it is for your benefit and most definitely isn’t ceding anything to the diabetes. The diabetes requires you do certain things - test, inject, carb count, etc - but that’s not the diabetes itself asking you to do that. It’s modern medicine and is a defence against the diabetes not an acceptance or a surrender.

Hate it in a controlled way. If you let the hate burn inside you 24 hrs a day, it will take over your head and your life. Hate might be a justifiable reaction but continued, fierce hate is like a poison - a poison to you not the diabetes. The diabetes is utterly oblivious to your hate.
 
Amity Island said:
Morning Spell,

As much as it feels right (warranted) to you to hate the diabetes and all that goes with it, hate won't help you. It can give you some juice to hang onto negative feelings, but letting go of them will give you far more strength.

Everyone lives at a particular level(s) of consciousness (state of mind if you like). It all depends on your life experiences, upbringing, culture etc. Your state of mind effects your feelings, decisions and experience of life itself.

Levels of consciousness starts at the lowest levels of humiliation (I think everyone has felt this at some point), despair, regret, anxiety and hate. At the highest levels we have oneness, loving, wise, merciful etc. With hate comes anger.

Just being aware of these levels of thinking can allow you to move up a level. It allows you to pause what you are doing and to think again about what you are doing to your self.

I hope you can pause for a moment the next time you feel hate and just let yourself know, you can think at a better level.
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Amity
Ya sounding like Yoda teaching Luke
So how do you change levels of consciousness?
My hate is not just at diabetes, also some other real nasty stuff that's happened, that nasty stuff is what I blame as the cause of diabetes, anecdotal evidence I know but it's out there
 
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Bronco Billy said:
Hi @spell I sympathise with how you are feeling, I really do. I won't pretend to know what it feels like, but my daughter had similar issues when she was diagnosed. With the right help and support, it is possible to get through this. I realise that it won't seem that way to you, especially after the counselling and medication you have already had. I hope you are open to the idea of some kind of counselling again. A good place to start is our own helpline, it will be open again on Monday. In the meantime, please feel free to PM me if you'd like to and I'll respond as soon as I see it.
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Getting the right help and support on the NHS is impossible,one shoe fits all seems to be their mantra,if it don't work they give up on you.
My last NHS diabetes specialist psychologist just left without telling me and with no contingency plan for more treatment, I mean, they don't care why the hell should I?
 
spell said:
Amity
Ya sounding like Yoda teaching Luke
So how do you change levels of consciousness?
My hate is not just at diabetes, also some other real nasty stuff that's happened, that nasty stuff is what I blame as the cause of diabetes, anecdotal evidence I know but it's out there
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I blamed my diabetes on some nasty stuff too, one day my world just turned upside down and then I got hit with my diagnosis. Anger played a big part. Anger at people who have hurt me who got on with their lives totally fine while I’m stuck like this. It serves no purpose other than turning me into someone I’m not. I started neglecting myself but mainly my children. My son said to me one day while looking through his phone at photos, oh look mum here’s one of you smiling. I decided that day to pull myself together for my kids, well initially it was for my kids but now I’m mostly ok and I do it for me too. I’m not preaching to you, these guys on here told me a year ago that I could do this, i never believed I could.
 
Have you tried your local Improving Access to Psychological Therapies (IAPT) service? It is an NHS service, but focuses very much on the individual. It's self-referral, so you don't have to wait for anyone to refer you. If you do an internet search for IAPT and your home town, you should be able to find your nearest service.

I understand why you feel let down by others, but if we don't look after ourselves, no-one else can.You have to keep knocking at that door until it opens.
 
spell said:
Getting the right help and support on the NHS is impossible,one shoe fits all seems to be their mantra,if it don't work they give up on you.
My last NHS diabetes specialist psychologist just left without telling me and with no contingency plan for more treatment, I mean, they don't care why the hell should I?
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I’ve been on the nhs mental health waiting list since Jan 21
 
spell said:
Getting the right help and support on the NHS is impossible,one shoe fits all seems to be their mantra,if it don't work they give up on you.
My last NHS diabetes specialist psychologist just left without telling me and with no contingency plan for more treatment, I mean, they don't care why the hell should I?
Click to expand...
I've had Type 1 diabetes for nearly 52 years since I was two. It can eat you up and it can make you hate it and want to give up. I've had some great care along the way but also had some awful medical care along the way but the biggest lesson I've learnt is that those that don't care about aren't going to impact me because at the end of the day it doesn't affect them whether I live or die. I've had bouts where I've thought that doctors actually really cared about me but then they've moved on without telling me, which is fair enough because it's a job for them. I then realised that the important thing is to care about me both for myself and for everyone else who cares about me. Not always easy but I've got one life and I'm going to make the most of it despite what diabetes and other conditions have done to me. I'm not sure how I can help you but please keep on fighting it's worth it however difficult it seems.
And I keep fighting despite having lost a large part of my sight in my left eye and some damage to my right, despite neuropathy in my legs and feet, despite CFS/ME, despite being told that I've definitely got a neurological condition but as the MRI is clear they're not sure what, despite gastroparesis which is nerve damage to my stomach, despite being in frequent pain, despite being on 17 different medications, despite chronic silent migraines, despite problems with my back, and despite all of this making me reliant on a wheelchair out of the house.
It's not always easy, and I'm not always easy to live with, and yes I can scream and shout at the diabetes but I will not let it beat me and I will make the most of every day even if illness has made unable to do things that I want to do.
I sincerely hope that you can find the strength, hopefully through this forum, to find the good things in your life xxx
 
spell said:
Getting the right help and support on the NHS is impossible,one shoe fits all seems to be their mantra,if it don't work they give up on you.
My last NHS diabetes specialist psychologist just left without telling me and with no contingency plan for more treatment, I mean, they don't care why the hell should I?
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Hi spell , my daughter has MS and specialist come and go all the time.I fully understand your frustration but this is what happens with an under funded NHS. A friend of my was a GP and retired early , reason , he spent more time filling in forms , customer surveys and the list goes on rather than helping patients.
 
Ok, so here's my take on it,
Diabetes isn't a thing, it isn't something that hangs around ready to jump into your body, it's your own body not performing as it was designed to do. I have had Cancer 3 times now and still live with it, it didn't happen to me out of nowhere, it was my own body's cells that decided to go haywire and probably will always behave that way, so how can I hate Cancer or Diabetes as I would be hating my own body and it's inability to behave correctly, same with my Diabetes. After thoroughly researching how my body's cells misbehaved, I can go someway to trying to address it, I may not always win but through the process I have gained some acceptance that I cannot change everything. Good luck with your own personal journey
 
Rocky Balboa

“Let me tell you something you already know - life ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place, and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there, permanently, if you let it.​

You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life.​

But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can GET hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done!”​


Channel that hate. Turn it away from yourself, and focus it on keeping your T1 in its place. Diabetes a tough fighter, a scrapper, and will try all the dirty tricks in the book to beat you down and make you think it can’t be kept in its box - but you CAN live better with it. Don’t give up. Don’t let it win.

Keep moving forward.
 
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