I need help

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Hi Emma.
Barbara is right, you are the first one to try and help and support other folks so you just sit down right there lady and accept the mountain of hugs and love dammit :D

I think a lot of people can identify with the idea of eating perfectly "normal" food feeling like self harm and its one of those mind traps that it is hard to escape.
I went through a period where I was terrified to eat anything all day if my bg was high as I don't have the tools to bring it down beyond normal meds, so by not eating anything with any carbs it would eventually come back to a somewhat acceptable level.
What that did for me was give me a much improved hba1c and a bigger fight to get meds adjusted since on paper I'm doing great.
I can wake up on 7-8 on a good day but often sitting in low-high teens by the end of the day. I hate it but "helping" myself too much just means a much much bigger challenge in the long run to get the right treatment regime, whatever that is for me.
I can and accept that sugar is off the table and a lot of rubbish carbs are too for the most part but I need to find a diet and medication balance that is compatible with my life in the long term. Do I hate seeing high bg on the meter - yep, does it make me want to not eat anything - yep, but my end goal has to be more than day to day.
I need to be able to not be terrified of being anywhere but home at a mealtime if my choice is limited. I have literally been last min out for lunch and gone to the butchers to get some sliced cooked meat and nibbled that before going in and sitting with a coffee in a cafe instead of having a nice lunch with friends. I need to not feel guilty for having a rare treat with my family and friends.

I applaud anyone who can healthily commit to low carb and manage things that way for life. Like top respect. I'm just not one of those people who can sustain it.

I am not telling you this for support or sympathy from you or anyone else but you need to know that we often have our own mental battles with food since diabetes is on the table regardless of whatever type it is. So when I say I know/understand how hard it was for you to eat cereal yesterday, I really do know how hard it can be (and I'm sure others do too).

Our fight might be different to yours in lots of ways but I want you to really know that it is okay to talk about it, that you aren't alone and the responses aren't just lip service, they are filled with love, understanding and support for you.

it is hard for me to talk about stuff too and here is about the only place I do (and even that is hard) so without trying to sound condescending, I'm proud of you for being so open and honest. Keep doing it <3
 
I know I keep saying it but I’m really touched with all the responses. Im still trying to stay relaxed about my readings, not gonna lie, it’s been difficult. I did as advised and upped my range to 9, maybe I will push it to ten but baby steps for now, it was strange to see an 8.9 in green today ! But mentally it felt different. Im so happy to hear that people have found me supportive in the past as I always have this feeling that I talk rubbish. Im the kind of person that will have a conversation in the street then walk away thinking I bet that person thought what an idiot.. :rofl:
 
ColinUK said:
Sometimes doctors are atrocious.
I had a run of headaches and back pain. Doctor said “I’ll get you a scan because it’s probably cancer”

Turns out it was a side effect of medication they prescribed.

Another time I presented with depression and was asked “Have you considered turning to Jesus?”

Ok so now I can laugh at both of those but at the time I was devastated and dismayed.

How are you this morning anyway?
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Oh, I had a real doozie a couple of years ago.

I'd had surgery on a breast for fibromatosis. In essence, whilst fibromatosis is destructive and can do untold damage if not dealt with it, in UK it is considered benign. In the US, they have a vague way of discussing it. Odd.

Anyway, I had seen the full; path report of the tissue removed, so was content in the findings.

When I looked at my medical record it stated I had had surgery for breast carcinoma. Just blunt statement.

I went to the surgery to sort it out. The Practise Manager was adamant fibromatosis was cancer and even if it wasn't it didn't make any difference.

I insisted I would not be leaving the building until my record had been corrected. I explained I had taken m iPad with me to amuse myself whilst the task was completed.

After a bit of a stand-off, she went to talk to a Doc, who corrected my record.

I appreciate that the entry was made in my record by someone coding it in, but for a non-qualified manager to make point blank statements outwith her qualifications took my breath away.

(She has left now, although nothing to do with me!)
 
Hi and thanks so much for asking.. I don’t really know what’s going on with me to be honest. I tried a couple of days of eating a little more but the anxiety took over. A few days ago I went back to my normal way of eating but my sugars have remained high, in fact they are getting higher. I’m starting to feel absolutely dreadful. I’ve tried again to get an appointment at my doctors but the wait is around 4 weeks. Depression and exhaustion are taking over now. I haven’t been back on this thread because for some reason I reach out then find it impossible to follow advice. I feel quite guilty because I have 4 kids who all need me for various reasons at the minute and I feel useless. I used to think I was such a good mum but I’m just not the same person anymore, and I miss the old me.. for a start the old me would of definitely shaved her legs within the last month ! Hope you are doing well and apologies for the deep dark stuff, I would love to say I’m doing great but I’m just not xx
 
Oh Emma! So sorry to hear that you have slipped back from the little progress you were making but totally understandable. It isn't easy and when you are already so run down, it is very hard to make sustained changes. It takes a lot of mental effort and when you are so exhausted, especially with a family to look after, it is not surprising that you just can't manage.
The problem is that sooner or later you are not going to be well enough to look after your family either.... Is there anyone within your family who can take a bit of the strain off you? Parents, in laws, husband, siblings? You need help and these people will have to step up when you are no longer able to keep a lid on this and that is only a question of time unless you alleviate some of the pressure now and focus on your own health.
Sending you lots more (((HUGS)))
 
rebrascora said:
Oh Emma! So sorry to hear that you have slipped back from the little progress you were making but totally understandable. It isn't easy and when you are already so run down, it is very hard to make sustained changes. It takes a lot of mental effort and when you are so exhausted, especially with a family to look after, it is not surprising that you just can't manage.
The problem is that sooner or later you are not going to be well enough to look after your family either.... Is there anyone within your family who can take a bit of the strain off you? Parents, in laws, husband, siblings? You need help and these people will have to step up when you are no longer able to keep a lid on this and that is only a question of time unless you alleviate some of the pressure now and focus on your own health.
Sending you lots more (((HUGS)))
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I think that’s the most hurtful part, I have all of the above family members but back when My mental health was at its worst people started actively avoiding me, nobody ever asks how I am. My husband works very long hours, my house is way too big for me to cope with so the vicious cycle of self pity because nobody cares about me and self loathing because my house is a tip and my legs are hairy continues 🙄
 
never apologise for the deep dark stuff <3

Mental health can be so hard to make any headway with and its that constant battle between you knowing what you should do but actually doing it is another story. Then its the being annoyed with yourself for not being able to do something that should be so simple and its an ongoing cycle sinking you further and further down.

While I don't have an eating disorder, depression and I are old friends. I understand. Self care goes out the window.

My question / challenge to you today is:
What one thing can you manage do today to improve something?
Doesn't have to be epic. Doesn't have to be life changing. One single thing.
It could be shaving your legs. having a shower. Tidying up a small corner of the house if its getting on your nerves.
Something that will say to you "I did a thing. I won today".

Sometimes winning is one small thing at a time. For me, some days it really was just the fact I got up, showered and into clean PJs. Literally just that. Others it was managing to clear the sink and put on a load of washing.
Everyday tasks to some but to me it was a victory. Enough to make me want another one tomorrow.

Find a victory everyday.

As far as medical care is concerned, take that 4 week appointment as a backup but ask if you phoned on the day, would they be able to see you sooner. Phone and try and a last resort is the one 4 weeks from now.

Emma all I can say is I care. I want you to win today. Massive hugs to you x
 
What a lovely way to look at it. I’m so sorry you suffer too with depression. Sometimes it seems much easier to let it take you over than to get yourself out of it. I made my sons favourite tea, which he was really grateful for so that a little victory. I will try my very best to make some progress every day, but you know when you get up and you just know it’s another one of those days and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. I’m so tired of it, I don’t look forward to anything, I don’t enjoy doing anything. Thats a lie, I look forward to going to bed, and I’m being deadly serious, I can’t wait to go to bed so that I have an excuse to just lie there are do nothing but I hate mornings ! Xx
 
@EmmaL76 Don’t wait 4wks - ask for an emergency appointment. It’s not a magic answer but maybe a few months of anti-depressants would be an option? Even a low dose can ease the mental pain.

As for looking after yourself, can you see it as a job? You get up and have chores and things to do for other people, right? Add your ‘jobs’ to the list. Be sure they’re self-care jobs you actually want to do rather than chores to punish yourself, if you get what I mean. I find a few minutes of primping each morning is almost like a meditation. Nothing major, just a little routine to go through.
 
EmmaL76 said:
I think that’s the most hurtful part, I have all of the above family members but back when My mental health was at its worst people started actively avoiding me, nobody ever asks how I am. My husband works very long hours, my house is way too big for me to cope with so the vicious cycle of self pity because nobody cares about me and self loathing because my house is a tip and my legs are hairy continues 🙄
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If it's any consolation my house will undoubtedly be a bigger "tip" than yours and I am pretty certain my legs will be far hairier..... Hope we don't have to get into comparing photos here! 😱 Both concern me but in the scheme of things my diabetes management and health come above those. I am really lucky in that I have friends and a wonderful sister who accept me for who I am.... hairy legs, messy house, mental instability and all.... You are a lovely person and I am pretty sure there will be people in your life who would be there for you if you open up and admit that you are struggling and need help. Being too strong and independent makes it difficult for people to offer help.... I know because I am guilty of it and it takes an immense amount of effort and anxiety for me to ask for help. I really hate needing to do it. Sometimes it becomes such a massive issue and I have to push so hard to break through my stubbornness and independence that I handle it really badly when I do and that doesn't really encourage me to ask again. I also think choosing the right person to ask is important. The way my sister explains it is that I get pleasure/reward/self esteem even, from helping other people. Why would I rob other people of that opportunity and good feeling of helping me, particularly people who love me and want to help.

Brilliant post from @gll. I can totally relate to what she has written. Some days just getting in the shower is an impossible task. I negotiate with myself and try to make the task as easy as possible, so that I can somehow make it more achievable. Ok, so I haven't shaved my legs since early December but I have managed to keep my pits shaved so that is a success! You have to look for the small triumphs and positives and focus on those rather than berating and punishing yourself for the things you haven't done.
Feeling good about the things you have achieved is very important. That favourite tea that you cooked your son is a great example, especially as he appreciated it so much. You just need to devote a little effort to yourself because you matter too.
 
@EmmaL76 @rebrascora Ladies - worry not! With a herd of children and a mad dog, my home is by far the biggest tip out there! I’m fighting a losing battle against domestic chaos 😱

Emma, don’t judge yourself. Allow us to do that. You’re a sensitive, kind, smart person and you deserve every care, both from yourself and those around you. Don’t be afraid to articulate what you need, or even write it down. Sometimes we become ‘background’ and nobody stops to think whether we’re ok. Speak up. XX
 
Emma, if I had 4 children I don't think I would ever be able to shave my legs again! Tbh I don't bother most of the time and I wear a skirt as a part of my uniform, so I don't think its too important. Anyway, I know the legs are not the main point in here (but maybe for you is a bit like the drop that fills the cup).

As others said, you are surely doing more than you think and you deserve to be kind to yourself AND to be cared for. I can't talk from personal experience but I often see mums in my family taking care of everyone else, putting everyone's needs before their own, and it may be natural and people get used to it, so they don't remember that you also have your needs. But you have them and it should be alright to ask for help. I'm not saying it's easy, but you have all the right to do it.

Someone suggested the small goals on the day like taking a shower and such. I am the kind of person who gets satisfaction from writing (on paper) a list of tasks and then cross them, and I admit I sometimes put stuff like shower and do the dishes so I have something really easy to cross. And some days, I don't even get those done. I'm not sure if I should worry or I am just lazy as hell. Where I am going with this is, I am sure you are doing more than you give yourself credit for. Taking care of your family is hard work even without a medical condition on top, so don't beat yourself up for not doing everything as a perfect fictional woman/mom/wife etc, you are human.

Sorry about the rambling and possible writing mistakes, this post comes from a tired brain after a long day!
 
Thank you again everybody. The kindness you show to me sometimes makes me want to cry! I have found an endocrinologist who will assess me and can also prescribe and treat me privately, he said I should have an appointment within the next 2 weeks. Obviously I have to pay but it is what it is. Not before time either, although I have continued with my low carb my sugars have risen quite considerably. My average used to be 5 ish now it’s 7. I’m not getting below 7 during the night when before I was having fasting of 4.3 ish this morning it was 8. Not a massive big deal for most diabetics i know but it’s a big deal for me to suddenly change so much when I’ve been seeing good numbers for a good while and it’s playing havoc with my anxiety. I hope you are all well.
Ps I should mention most of my kids are over 18 so I don’t won’t you to think I’m run ragged with them, but it seems as they get older they need more support but for different reasons xx
 
Mine are 19 and 20 so hear you there! (kids I mean)

Good news with the endo!
I really hope they can get you figured out short and long term.
Getting you a plan to have some wiggle room with eating a bit more is defo needed short term while tests happen.

Any thoughts on the mental health appointments (well chasing them)?

Lastly, what are you going to do today for your win?
(although I feel getting the endo appointment should count for at least 10 lol)

{{more hugs}} << take as many times a day as needed x
 
Just remember Emma, it is a waste of money if you don't advise the Endo of the full circumstances ie. Your eating anxiety and very strict diet. They need to know the full picture, so don't down play that. It is a really important and relevant aspect with respect to the diagnosis.
Also it might be helpful to mention about the urine C-peptide tests you have had done and perhaps enquire about a blood c-peptide.
Personally I think you would be wiser spending the money on counselling to help you overcome your issue with food as that is still going to be a problem regardless of your diabetes diagnosis/treatment and something you obviously need help with.
I wish you lots of luck in finding some clarity. When is the appointment?
 
@EmmaL76 I know anxiety isn’t always logical but remember that non-diabetics commonly see blood sugars of 7 or more. I’m very glad you have an endo appointment but I absolutely second @rebrascora in saying that you must give them the full picture. If you don’t, there’s the possibility your diagnosis will get messed up again and this will drag on and on. Be frank, be clear. If you prefer to write it down then that might be easiest. Trying to explain something when you’re emotional is hard, and it’s also hard for the listener to retain key facts.
 
If you have the E-mail contact of the person you are going to see perhaps you could send them an outline of your situation and any test results you have as they may not have access to your NHS record.
It would mean they can be prepared and be able to ask pertinent questions at your appointment.
 
gll said:
Mine are 19 and 20 so hear you there! (kids I mean)

Good news with the endo!
I really hope they can get you figured out short and long term.
Getting you a plan to have some wiggle room with eating a bit more is defo needed short term while tests happen.

Any thoughts on the mental health appointments (well chasing them)?

Lastly, what are you going to do today for your win?
(although I feel getting the endo appointment should count for at least 10 lol)

{{more hugs}} << take as many times a day as needed x
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I have a 12 year old son, and my daughters are 18,22 and the eldest is 24 on Friday. So making a cake is what I will do today for my win points lol. I know my mental health is a bigger challenge than the diabetes, so I have booked and appointment with my doctors for that side of things (do I get another point for that ? ) xx
 
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