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How low can you go and Husbands angry outbursts

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This thread is now closed. Please contact Anna DUK, Ieva DUK or everydayupsanddowns if you would like it re-opened.

Springdaffodil

New Member
Relationship to Diabetes
Carer/Partner
Hi, my husband is type 1. He was diagnosed 5 years ago at the age of 40.
He feels very bitter about it although does just get on with it.
The last five years he has had terrible mood swings which I am getting sick to death of now. He rants as raves at the children and me usually straight after a meal. Everything annoys him. The way the children hold their cutlery to which spoon I use when making dinner.
He lets his blood sugar get low before his meal and will not just have a small biscuit or a grape or anything to keep him going whilst dinner is cooking so he is in a jolly mood then almost like he is drunk.
My main concern is his driving. I know he sometimes drives when he has blood sugar between 3 and 4. He says he is fine but he starts sweating and opening windows. I am terrified. This is also illegal. Or I can spot him getting low blood sugar and ask him not to drive but he says he knows himself best. I am usually right though as he hides his monitor from me so I cannot see the reading when he does eventually take his blood.

I have asked him to enquire about getting the freestyle monitor but he refuses. I have asked him to come to counselling with me again he refuses. I don’t really know what else to do.
I am on the verge of leaving him as I am on eggshells and sick of his moodiness which he is unwilling to discuss or try and improve.
I have been more than patient and I do sympathise. He has also refused the Covid vaccine which is his choice.
Anyway. I am worried if I did leave him is he safe to look after our children on his own if he lets his blood sugar drop to below 4. I have seen how it impairs his thinking. Half the reason I haven’t left is because I am worried about the children being yelled at when I am not there as peacemaker.
please don’t think me as being harsh. I am not. Just sick of being picked on. We have been together for nearly 30 years so it is a very difficult situation. I am currently seeing a relate counsellor on my own as he refuses to join me.
 
What a horrible situation to find yourself in - I'm so sorry you're going through this and totally understand your concerns.

Clearly your husband is still in a degree if denial about his condition - getting a diagnosis of a lifelong condition is a grieving process and it sounds like he's not progressing through the different stages from denial and anger through to acceptance It might also be that he has what is known as 'burnout' if he is not self medicating in a timely fashion.

Unfortunately, nothing will susbstantially change until he decides he reaches acceptance and begins to actively manage his diabetes. Is he aware of what he is putting you and the family through and that he's well down a path to losing you?

My heart goes out to you.
 
Oh my goodness. @Springdaffodil I'm so very sorry to hear about this.

When someone seems to be in denial as your husband does, counselling is the key in my humble opinion and I hope he comes around and attends Relate.

30 years is such a long time to have been married too.

Sending very best wishes to you and I'm sure there are many people here who will chime in too to offer support.
 
@Springdaffodil That’s awful. I feel so sorry for you, and I completely understand your concerns about your children if you were to separate.

Is there someone who could talk to your husband - a family member or friend? Does he understand what affect his behaviour is having on you? Perhaps he does, but doesn’t realise the true extent of the harm he’s causing. He sounds angry and stressed, but sometimes that can be a sign of depression.

It sounds like he’s not controlling his blood sugar very well, which isn’t going to help his moods at all. Could you phone his DSN or consultant or GP and tell them what he’s like, asking them not to reveal that you called? They could then pretend to do a ‘routine check in’ with him and phone him and maybe talk to him about his issues.

Finally - I’m sure you’re more than aware of this, but his driving situation is dangerous. He’s also breaking the law and invalidating his insurance. It’s not just himself and you all he’s putting at risk, it’s members of the public. You can report drivers anonymously to the DVLA. His GP can also report him, I believe (but would need to be told the extent of what he’s doing).

If you’re able tomorrow, you could phone the Diabetes U.K. helpline for advice and support. The number is at the top of this page.
 
Hello @Springdaffodil welcome to the forum, I`m sorry its under unpleasant situations.

Your crying out for help and there is support for you, may I ask is your property owned by both
of you, or one of you or is it rented? this makes a difference how you decide what is your next
step. You are clearly at the end of your tether and I suspect you have tried everything to resolve
the matter, have you access to his hospital team? this is your first port of call and explain your
situation, don`t hold back say it the way it is.

You and your children need to have a good quality of life and clearly that is not happening, ok he
has an autoimmune condition and will be with him for life, so what, each time he goes too low some
of his brain cells will die and if he continues to stay low so will he. Please don`t leave your children
with this man if you have to leave you must take them with you, if he won`t accept his condition and
If you or him has close family or even yourself, write him a letter saying how you feel and what you
are prepared to do and post it with a first class stamp on it.

Please accept this is my own opinion and doesn`t represent the thoughts of the general forum, so glad
you contacted us and look forward with trepidation to see how you are doing, take care stay safe with
love from all the members, xxx
 
Thank you for your comments. He does try and manage his diabetes in the respect he only eats at mealtimes. Almost like OCD hence the not having something small when blood sugar is low. He exercises and is very fit.
The driving hasn’t been a problem over the last year as we haven’t had anywhere to go and I have done all the food shopping. But I know the issues will start up again.
I don’t know if it’s bad enough to tell tales on him as it is not all the time but it does happen. He will do two hours of gardening after breakfast then get in the car to collect children from their weekend activities and I will know he is low after all the manual work. I question him and get a mouthful of abuse. I cannot prove he is low. If he lost his licence he could lose his job.
Our house is mortgaged. It’s a big mortgage so I would struggle to leave and be able to afford something big enough for me and the children so would have to leave them with him he refuses to even separate for a short amount of time. He will not leave the house.
I am trapped. Our children love him and most the time he is a good dad. I just worry every time he leaves the house with them. I have recently told my eldest to ring me on his phone if he collapsed and to not go running off on their own looking for help to stay with him. He is so stubborn and angry.
 
Hi @Springdaffodil,

You have been put in a very difficult position here by your husband but I have to make one comment. You mention that things could be difficult if he lost his licence. It could be a lot worse than that.
If he drives when hypo (less than 4.0), he could go into a coma without warning. The consequences could be absolutely dire. If he kills someone in this condition he could risk going to jail for many years. I believe it is considered as though he was driving under the influence of alcohol but I'm not a legal expert. What should be worrying you even more is you strongly suspect that he is driving in this condition with your own children in the car.

This isn't a problem you created but you need to fathom out a way of stepping in here and you need to do it immediately.
 
Yes that is why I am on this forum. Trying to get as many facts as I can.
He has worked from home for the past year and hasn’t driven anywhere. It is not an issue at the moment but I know as we come out of lockdown and he starts driving again I will be faced with the same issues of me asking him before he gets in the car if he is ok to drive and his nasty repose.
I don’t know though. How can I know for sure if he is low or not. When the symptoms start the sweating etc he will eat a mint or we stop the car my issue is him getting in the car in the first place. And the fact I don’t feel I can trust him to be honest with me. If he feels close to a hypo and it’s not long until lunch he does his best to just make it through. Telling me he is fine. But unless I come at him with the finger prick thing how do I know?

Sometimes I have argued with him and his blood has been fine. If I leave him I will not be there to check and ask. which again is my issue.

I suppose I was looking for honest opinions on the forum on who drives to a restaurant for lunch and then finds out they have low blood when they get there and how often it happens

I was also looking for possibly other partners who’s husbands have bad mood swings. Or people with diabetes who know they act irrationally due to their blood levels.
If he was drink driving and I had seen him drink 3 pints I would know for sure.
 
Thank you for your comments. He does try and manage his diabetes in the respect he only eats at mealtimes. Almost like OCD hence the not having something small when blood sugar is low. He exercises and is very fit.

Ok, and there’s the big issue - he is wrong. Type 1 is not about abstemiously avoiding food except at meal times! That’s completely and utterly wrong. The idea is you balance your insulin injections and food to try to keep your blood sugar between 4 and 10mmol. If you exercise, you eat extra carbs, if you’re low you have your hypo treatment and then 15g of longer lasting carbs eg a slice of bread. If you need a carby snack between meals, you have one. Not having food when he needs it, isn’t him having good control, it’s him being ignorant and reckless. If he needs food, he needs it, whether it’s between meals, before driving, in the middle of the night or any other time.

You ask if anyone drives to a restaurant for lunch and then finds out they’re low when they get there. The answer to that is hopefully nobody - because it’s breaching the guidelines on which our licences are issued, and more importantly we could kill someone. We need to test before driving. The phrase is “5 to drive” but I always try to be in the 6s. I always test my blood sugar before driving, as we all should do. There are guidelines from the DVLA.

Please don’t think anyone is criticising you at all or telling you off. Any ‘tone’ you might hear is directed at your husband. You’re in a very difficult position and I sympathise very much.

I suspect your husband has lost or is losing his awareness of hypos. That’s clearly dangerous for driving as it seems like he’s not testing as he should. But it’s also dangerous for him as he could sink too low without realising and lose consciousness. The consequences of that can be dire.

You mention his mood swings which yes, will be exacerbated by his high/low blood sugars but it doesn’t sound like that’s the only cause of his moods. You say you’ve asked for a trial separation for a short time and he’s refused to leave the house. You can get support with making him leave. What he’s doing is a form of abuse. Don’t let financial concerns put you off - there is support if that’s the way you choose to go.
 
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This is a really difficult situation and I feel for you. He needs some help with his diabetes and his attitude and that will need to come from outside as he’s obviously not listening to you. You can write to or phone his surgery or specialist and they can go back to basic info on how to be safe and be diabetic. If he refuses to engage though it may not change things much. Until he’s ready there’s no point going to counselling as it won’t do much good as he won’t engage on any sensible level. If there is a friend or family member who he can talk to that may work better in the short term.

The driving - as people have already said he needs to be above 5 and it’s not about whether he feels ok to drive or not he needs to check on the meter every time. If he loses his licence (and loses his job) that’s a shame but may be the wake up call he needs.

As for your relationship. He doesn’t sound like he is able to fully take care of the kids alone and generally I am loathe to say a woman should ever leave the joint home as it tends to be a bad financial decision (not everything in life comes down to finances but women tend to be much worse off long term after separation because of career pauses when children are young & it affecting wage rises later in careers and pensions) but this is a relationship where he is acting like someone with a substance abuse problem by not caring for his diabetes well and you may need to make difficult decisions for you and your kids if he doesn’t change his behaviour. Again if you can get other people involved it is helpful. Friends and family need to know what’s going on so they can support you as a family. The kids schools may also need to be told and they can be a good place for you to get practical advice on housing and support. If necessary you can ask for help from the police to get him out of the house - I’m not suggesting that lightly and you have only given us a glimpse of your life but in situations of emotional abuse it may be appropriate to get the police involved in the same way as in physical abuse. You may not be there yet but it’s good for you to know it’s an option.

Can you live without a car? If you can get rid of it. It may make life harder but it would give him pause.

Is there somewhere you could go with the kids for a few weeks - friends, family etc? The short sharp shock of you leaving may help him realise how bad his behaviour has got. It doesn’t have to be a permanent plan.

The main thing is talk to people in real life. Get your family and friends involved both to support you and help change his attitude.
 
Vey sorry to hear that you're in such a tough situation.

If your husband will not engage in listening to your concerns or recognise the impact of his behaviour his immediate family, is there a colleague, friend or extended family member who's opinion your husband respects and who might be able to challenge his behaviour if you can convince them that it's the right thing to do?
 
So sorry to read about your experiences @Springdaffodil and the difficult position you find yourself in.

Unfortunately your husband is not managing his diabetes well, although he may think he is, and may be given that impression by his HbA1c results and clinic appointments, which may appear positive on the surface, but hide significant problems.

Some people can be so worried about long-term complications that they deliberately try to run their blood glucose levels lower than they should. But this is every bit, if not more dangerous.

The driving thing has been covered, but he really should not be driving, and his licence would certainly be revoked if his Dr and the DVLA knew how he was behaving.

The rules that you agree to are that you will check your BG immediately before driving, and at least every 2hours during long journeys. That you will not drive if you feel or suspect that you may be below 4, and that if you find you are in the 3s at any point you treat immediately with fast-acting carbs and then wait an additional 40 minutes after you are 5+ to allow the brain to recover. So that’s a good hour.

Which means that really it is better to check 1 hour before you are due to depart (just in case you are on the low side), and then again immediately before.

Incidentally sweating is usually one of the more extreme hypo warning signs, when levels are dangerously low. This can be accompanied by visual disturbance and confusion / inability to think straight.

Diabetes IS frustrating, and erratic and low BG (or high!) levels can make you grumpy and snappy. As you say, it is very like being drunk. But it doesn’t have to be like this. He can change his management strategies, and significantly reduce the negative impact his T1 is having on his own life and on your’s and the kids‘ too. He may need additional support, structured education, or a specialised course on hypo avoidance. He may also need some psychological input to help him cope better with his diagnosis.

It’s not easy, it takes work, effort and an openness to admit that you are not quite as good at being your own pancreas as you have let yourself think.

If he can change, I see a hopeful future for you all. But he does need to change.
 
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