Diabetes Support Forum Advent Calendar

[Wirrallass]

Day 11 - A Whipworm a Day Keeps the Doctor Away 😱 (from November 2010)


A Whipworm a Day Keeps the Doctor Away!


More bizarre research findings. Apparently, it’s been discovered that people infected with certain species of parasitic worm are less prone to autoimmune diseases and allergies, including Type 1 diabetes, asthma and allergy, Crohn’s Disease and Multiple Sclerois. What better programme, therefore, for the government to conduct than to intentionally infect the populace with these wondrous colon cohabitants? Imagine the huge reductions in healthcare costs if all these conditions could be averted! Surely a small incentive to the doctors in the community would encourage them to start prescribing without delay!

Given your family history
We think that it is critical
That you consume three times a day
A worm that’s parasitical!

A worm, you say? You must be mad!
What good would that do me?
Prescribing worms, good gracious –
What kind of doctor can you be?!!

I’ll have you know, dear patient,
I’m a doctor up to speed
On all the latest guidelines
That the government has decreed!

We have to get our patients
To consume three worms a day,
And if we do then they’ll come through
And triple all our pay!

Physician, keep your whipworms,
I’m afraid I must decline…
I suggest you take them back and stick them
Where the Sun don’t shine! 😱

I love it ~ so funny!

WL

 

[Wirrallass]

Day 8 - The Eye Hospital 🙂 (from November 2010)


I went to the Eye Hospital as a follow-up to my retinal scan. The doctors were concerned that my eyes showed ‘diabetic changes’ so wanted to investigate further. The initial part of the appointment was very much the same as having a retinal scan – drops in eyes to dilate pupils to the size of dinner plates, wait for them to take effect, then have retinal photographs taken. Having your pupils dilate like that has the inevitable consequence of making everything seem exceedingly bright, and also makes it impossible to focus on any text smaller than large billboard size.

Imagine my surprise, therefore, when I realised that the waiting room was liberally spread with reading matter of all varieties – a bookshelf, stacks of magazines on a table, and an extensive range of pamphlets covering a broad spectrum of physical ailments, their symptoms and treatment. Looking around at the other patients it was clear (even through blurred eyes!) that none of them was capable of reading any of this without the aid of the Hubble Space telescope! I don’t think they had quite thought this through…!

Now you’ve had your drops, please go and sit down,
Before long they will call out your name…
You just need to wait whilst your pupils dilate
And your retinas start to inflame!

But let me just show you, for it may be some time,
Our library of books old and new!
We’ve novels and thrillers, and can’t-put-them-downs,
There’s bound to be one to suit you!

Or if you prefer, there’s a fantastic range
Of magazines to flick through and browse!
There’s fashion and cars and gardening and golf,
Or farming if you’ve a passion for cows!

If that’s not to your taste, take a look over here
At our leaflets displayed in this rack!
There’s all you need know about things ‘down below’
Or ways you might injure your back!

In an EYE hospital nurse? Have you quite thought this through?
It ought to be no big surprise
For the reason we’re here is abundantly clear –
We’ve got something wrong with our eyes! 😱

Brilliantly fab Northerner!
WL

 

[Northerner]

Day 14 - The Rude Receptionists 😱 (from April 2009)

We’ve all met doctor’s receptionists that are rude and unhelpful from time to time. They’re not all like that, of course, but I heard of a recent incident where a diabetic patient was attempting to hand in a sharps bin (a sealed, plastic bucket for storing used needles and lancets) at her doctor’s surgery…

The Rude Receptionists

‘I’ve filled up my sharps bin, can I give it to you?’
‘I’m not sure if we take them, I don’t think that we do!
I’ll just wait for Elsie, till she’s done on the phone,
I don’t want to make the decision alone.’

‘Ah look! See, she’s finished – Elsie, what do you think?
If we took in this sharps bin, would they kick up a stink?’
‘No, I don’t think we take them, we ought to ask Kate…
I don’t think she’s here yet, she’s coming in late.’

‘Do you think you could come back when there’s more of us here?
We can’t make the decision, I know it sounds queer.
It’s more than our job’s worth! When we got employed
We were told all the things we’re supposed to avoid.’

‘Like being efficient, polite and at ease,
We’re supposed to ignore you and do as we please.
And if you get angry and kick up a fuss,
We’ll tell all and sundry that you wear a truss!’

‘And if you should happen to come in here ill
We’ll make you stand waiting – it gives us a thrill!
There’ll be no appointments if you need to be seen –
We’re supposed to be grumpy, obstructive and mean.’

‘Could you move to the side please? I think I saw Kate!
Perhaps you’d move quicker if you lost some of that weight!
Ah Kate! Can you tell me before you go in,
Do you ever remember us taking a bin?’

‘I don’t think we take them.’ ‘No, that’s what I thought.’
‘Be patient now, madam, please don’t get distraught!’
‘Perhaps if we rang up Elaine in supplies?’
‘She might not have time – she’s up to her eyes!’

‘Oh please will you take it? I’ve been here an hour!
Perhaps I could talk to someone with more power?’
‘There’s Dr. Fitzmichael, I think he will know…
Too late – that’s his Volvo! I just saw it go!’

‘Well…perhaps we could take it, and when he gets back
We’ll find out if that’s why Janine got the sack…
No! Don’t pass it over! I might get infections!
We have to take care with all our collections!’

‘Elsie, pass me those gloves, and Kate - you watch out!
You have to be careful with addicts about!
That is why you’ve got this? Because you take drugs?
I wouldn’t let your type drink out of our mugs!’

‘Now, pass it me slowly, are you sure it’s tight shut?
Imagine if one of those stuck in my foot!
Goodbye! No, you’re welcome – I hope that you’ve learned
We’d rather this wasn’t where your bins are returned…!’ 😱

 

[Northerner]

Day 15 - Supermarkets of the Future (from July 2010)


Supermarkets of the Future…


It would appear, after a short period of very unscientific study (anecdotal evidence from several members of the forum) that supermarkets are the most likely places for diabetics to experience problems of either high, or more probably, low blood sugars. Several members cited the supermarket as the scene of their worst hypo. Clearly there is a marketing opportunity presenting itself here for the enlightened supermarkets of the future – special Diabetics Days, when the whole store is geared up to receiving and catering for the pancreatically-challenged members of society. Given the exponential increase in the number of diabetics diagnosed every minute (or so we are told!), this could be a huge source of revenue for those chains willing to go the extra mile to win the loyalty of this specialised group of shoppers.

Imagine, therefore, specially trained staff on hand at every aisle, jelly baby bins at five metre intervals, free testing equipment using loyalty point strips, cushioned surfaces in case of sudden collapse, and a huge array of diabetic chocolate, jams and cakes to tempt the cash from a diabetic’s deep pockets…

Right, is everyone ready? Five minutes to go!
Maureen- what happens if someone goes low?
Er, they start talking nonsense and staring ahead?
That’s right, but not always, so don’t be misled!
And Phoebe, have you filled up the jelly baby bins?
Yes Mr Worsnip, they’re filled to the brim!

OK, now it’s time that we open the shop –
Kevin, are the mats out should any of them drop?
Does that really happen sir? They just fall on the floor?
I’m afraid so, quite often…now let’s open the door…
Remember, it’s hot so they’ll be dropping like flies –
If you spot one, and catch them, you’ll be up for a prize!

Ah! Ladies and Gents, will you please step this way?
Let me welcome you to shop on our Diabetics Day!
Over there you’ll find trollies that have meters built-in,
Ask a member of staff if you need insulin.
We’ve all kinds in stock, and it won’t cost a thing,
Just one word of caution – the Lantus might sting!

Mr Worsnip! Mr Worsnip! One’s just gone down!
She was reaching for sauce – I think it was brown!
OK – John, go to condiments, let’s just hope they’re fine,
That’s the third one so far by a quarter past nine!
Oh dear, I can see, if things go on this way,
Our Diabetics Special will be a very long day!

Later:
Well done everybody! That’s the last of them gone!
The prize for most ‘catches’ has gone to young John!
I’m happy to say that they all left alive,
And the three in the hospital, it is thought they’ll survive!
We’ve sold out of oily fish, porridge and ham,
But we didn’t shift a jar of diabetic jam! 😱

 

[Ditto]

Spoilt for choice with regards to a favourite.

 

[Northerner]

Day 16 - Diabetic Jam (hopefully not something we receive from well-meaning relatives and friends this Christmas! 😱 from July 2009)


Diabetic Jam!



Ah! You’re diabetic? Well, don’t worry my dear,
We’ve got all sorts of goodies that are suitable here!
There’s diabetic chocolate and diabetic cake,
And diabetic jam – took me ages to make!

And diabetic sweets in all sorts of flavours –
For someone like you they’re heavenly saviours!
So don’t feel deprived, they’re especially for you!
I’ve heard sugar would kill you – is that really true?

Now you might find the sweeteners are rather emetic,
But you’ll just have to suffer since you’re diabetic…
I should also mention they cost twice the price
Of ordinary sweet stuff, but don’t taste as nice…

What’s that? You’re declining? Well how can that be?
But you can't eat normally, like people like me!
You can? Well, my goodness, I’ve learned something new!
My business is finished, and no thanks to you! 😱

 

[rebrascora]

Alan these are brilliant! You really have a wonderful gift. Being able to put a smile on someone's face when they are not feeling great is a tremendous talent to have. Thank you so much for posting them.
Particularly love the whip worm one. I read about this theory ages ago and thought it was fascinating, if a bit gross. Funny how there are all sorts of organisms which live inside us but the idea of worms is so repellent.

 

[Ditto]

I might get some of that jam for Mum, she's always having trouble. 🙂

 

[C&E Guy]

January brings the snow,
Makes your feet and fingers glow.
February's ice and sleet
Freeze the toes right off your feet.

Welcome March with wintry wind
Would thou were not so unkind!
April brings the sweet spring showers,
On and on for hours and hours.

Farmers fear unkindly May
Frost by night and hail by day.
June just rains and never stops
Thirty days and spoils the crops.

In July the sun is hot.
Is it shining? No, it's not.
August, cold and dank and wet,
Brings more rain than any yet.

Bleak September's mist and mud
Is enough to chill the blood.
Then October adds a gale,
Wind and slush and rain and hail.

Dark November brings the fog
Should not do it to a dog.
Freezing wet December, then
Bloody January again!

 

[Robin]

January brings the snow,
Makes your feet and fingers glow.
February's ice and sleet
Freeze the toes right off your feet.

Welcome March with wintry wind
Would thou were not so unkind!
April brings the sweet spring showers,
On and on for hours and hours.

Farmers fear unkindly May
Frost by night and hail by day.
June just rains and never stops
Thirty days and spoils the crops.

In July the sun is hot.
Is it shining? No, it's not.
August, cold and dank and wet,
Brings more rain than any yet.

Bleak September's mist and mud
Is enough to chill the blood.
Then October adds a gale,
Wind and slush and rain and hail.

Dark November brings the fog
Should not do it to a dog.
Freezing wet December, then
Bloody January again!

Do I remember Flanders and Swan doing that?

 

[Northerner]

Day 17 - Ode to a Perfect Pancreas 🙂 (from February 14th, 2009)

I hadn’t realised just how much my pancreas did for me until it stopped working properly and I became a Type 1 diabetic. What a thing of beauty a fully-functioning pancreas is!

Ode to a Perfect Pancreas

Oh Pancreas, perfect Pancreas,
Oh will you please be mine?
And let me feel the touch of your
Secretions endocrine?

My own dear pancreas failed me
And has left me in the lurch
What can I do to make you mine
And end my ceaseless search?

I love your Islets of Langerhans,
Suffused with treasured stores
Of beta cells, all working well,
A credit to their cause!

The insulin that you put forth,
Oh! If it only could
Restrict the upper limits of
The sweetness in my blood!

You’d be the organ of my dreams,
I’d always treat you well,
And if I could I’d lavish love
On each and every cell!

Oh please, O perfect pancreas,
Your functioning’s divine,
So let me be the one for you –
Your Type 1 Valentine!

 

[silentsquirrel]

Do I remember Flanders and Swan doing that?

I was singing along while reading it - one of their best!

 

[C&E Guy]

Do I remember Flanders and Swan doing that?

Yes. One of my favourites. Doesn't beat the Gasman though. I still laugh at that even though it's very old.

 

[Northerner]

Day 18 - Disgusted Nurse gets Just Desserts 😱 (from June 2009)



More escapades in the life of the nurse who found the idea of people with diabetes injecting in restaurants abhorrent. Imagine if, one evening, she was in a restaurant that just happened to be filled with insulin-dependent diabetics…imagine her horror…! 😱 Flashmob!

The scene: Luigi’s restaurant in downtown Birkenhead,
Full of hungry diners all waiting to be fed,
And there, amongst their number, a very special guest,
The nurse who failed her 101 would face another test…

The customers chatted pleasantly, as wine was passed around,
Our nurse was unaware of how her evening would be crowned…
A secret nod, a knowing wink, would all ensure the plan
Co-ordinated smoothly by each woman and each man.

Spaghetti carbonara and lasagne were brought in,
And all at once was silence – you could have heard a pin!
The nurse’s ears pricked up to hear a host of tiny clicks
As a hundred insulin users prepared to take their fix…!

Airshot after airshot was squirted in the air,
Like tiny dancing fountains from each and every chair!
And then the men exposed the flesh that lay beneath their shirts,
The ladies smiled as they pulled down the waistband of their skirts!

The nurse just stared in horror as the needles all went in,
And pierced the fatty layers that lay beneath the skin!
Well, then she just exploded, it was more than she could stand!
And now she’s pushing daisies up in Nighty-night Nurse Land!

 

[SueEK]

Day 18 - Disgusted Nurse gets Just Desserts 😱 (from June 2009)



More escapades in the life of the nurse who found the idea of people with diabetes injecting in restaurants abhorrent. Imagine if, one evening, she was in a restaurant that just happened to be filled with insulin-dependent diabetics…imagine her horror…! 😱 Flashmob!

The scene: Luigi’s restaurant in downtown Birkenhead,
Full of hungry diners all waiting to be fed,
And there, amongst their number, a very special guest,
The nurse who failed her 101 would face another test…

The customers chatted pleasantly, as wine was passed around,
Our nurse was unaware of how her evening would be crowned…
A secret nod, a knowing wink, would all ensure the plan
Co-ordinated smoothly by each woman and each man.

Spaghetti carbonara and lasagne were brought in,
And all at once was silence – you could have heard a pin!
The nurse’s ears pricked up to hear a host of tiny clicks
As a hundred insulin users prepared to take their fix…!

Airshot after airshot was squirted in the air,
Like tiny dancing fountains from each and every chair!
And then the men exposed the flesh that lay beneath their shirts,
The ladies smiled as they pulled down the waistband of their skirts!

The nurse just stared in horror as the needles all went in,
And pierced the fatty layers that lay beneath the skin!
Well, then she just exploded, it was more than she could stand!
And now she’s pushing daisies up in Nighty-night Nurse Land!

Hi hadn’t seen any posts from you and then found this, must catch up on your brilliant poems. Spaghetti carbonara, ooh how I wish I could have it yum yum x

 

[Northerner]

Oops! four poems to open! 😱

Day 19 - Casually Consuming Crisps 🙂 (from June 2010)

As I was out walking, I happened to meet
Someone casually eating some crisps in the street.
Now, that’s not remarkable, I hear you all say,
For it’s something we witness almost every day!
Well, that may be true, but I think you may find
Diabetes brings thoughts of a quite different kind.
The thoughts may be angry: how dare she do that!
Just stuffing her face at the drop of a hat!
The thoughts may be jealous: I wish it was me,
Enjoying those crisps so entirely carefree!
Or, maybe some sadness: I remember the time
When I would eat crisps, oh the taste was sublime!
Now that one simple act that the girl took for granted,
For me, is a sin that must now be recanted.
The carbs in the crisps would send my blood sugar high –
It’s hard to resist, but I really must try!
But once in a while, I may admit defeat,
And casually consume some crisps in the street!

 

[SueEK]

Oops! four poems to open! 😱

Day 19 - Casually Consuming Crisps 🙂 (from June 2010)

As I was out walking, I happened to meet
Someone casually eating some crisps in the street.
Now, that’s not remarkable, I hear you all say,
For it’s something we witness almost every day!
Well, that may be true, but I think you may find
Diabetes brings thoughts of a quite different kind.
The thoughts may be angry: how dare she do that!
Just stuffing her face at the drop of a hat!
The thoughts may be jealous: I wish it was me,
Enjoying those crisps so entirely carefree!
Or, maybe some sadness: I remember the time
When I would eat crisps, oh the taste was sublime!
Now that one simple act that the girl took for granted,
For me, is a sin that must now be recanted.
The carbs in the crisps would send my blood sugar high –
It’s hard to resist, but I really must try!
But once in a while, I may admit defeat,
And casually consume some crisps in the street!

Brilliant, sums crisps up a treat and that’s just what they are, a rare treat

 

[Northerner]

Day 20 - Diabetic Tamagotchis (from August 2010)



One of the people on the forum suggested that it would be a good idea if trainee medics were made to carry around and care for a tamagotchi-type thing that was programmed with diabetes. They’d have to check its levels, feed it, ‘inject’ it, cope with activity and illness etc. Then, at the end of the training period the tamagotchi could be checked for its ‘HbA1c’ to see how well they had been looked after.

Of course, the device would be programmed with all the variables that make life as a diabetic so interesting and fun, plus a few random unknowns just to spice things up every now and again! At the review, the medics whose devices had fared badly would be castigated for their poor control – taking no heed of their protestations about inexplicable readings and assurances they had been working as hard as they could…

Welcome to the lecture! Now this may sound prophetic,
But by the time you leave this room , you’ll all be diabetic!
Don’t worry, we’re not going to tie your pancreatic duct,
But take part in some training that is often overlooked!

You’ve read all about diabetes - that’s all well and good,
But that is generalistic, so I think that you all should
Discover how much work’s involved to keep your levels steady,
So take your tamagotchis and start them when you’re ready!

I’m sure from all your reading you’ll know where you should begin?
For every gram of carb you eat, then you must type it in,
And if you’ve done some exercise, like gardening and such.
That might affect your levels, so estimate how much…

And if you get a virus, then your levels might climb high
And sometimes you’ll be really bad, but never find out why!
And maybe in the morning, as you watch the rising Sun,
You’ll be afflicted by the lovely dawn phenomenon!

Those of you on insulin, you’re all allowed to test,
If not, then we won’t let you as you might become obsessed!
I’d like to see you all back here when three months have gone by
Be warned – if you should fail we’ll want to know the reason why!

Three months pass...

Ah Jones! Your tamagotchi isn’t looking very good!
I can’t believe you’ve tried at all, I thought you understood?
Your A1c is dreadful, so can you please explain?
Or must I just repeat myself time and time again?

What’s that? This diabetes lark is harder than you thought?
But you said when you started it was nothing of the sort!
Perhaps you’ll have more empathy when patients come to you,
And acknowledge the complexities they speak about are true! 😱

 

[Northerner]

Day 21 - Bah, humbug! 😱 (from December 2009)




When the horrid hypo headache hits you hard,
And you want to keep the shakes and sweats at bay,
Then please don’t turn to meat, for you must have something sweet,
And what better sweet to eat on Christmas Day?

Its minty taste’s divine and it’ll set you up just fine,
And make that hypo headache go away,
So don’t you mutter ‘Bah humbug!’, but a hearty ‘Hurrah humbug!’
And let the humble humbug save the day!

 

[Northerner]

Day 22 - The Lament of the Lonely Lancet 😱 🙂 (from July 2011)




One of the forum’s members related the unusual tale of trying to inject her small daughter, but no insulin was being delivered. She changed the insulin – no luck, changed the pen, no luck – then realised it was because the needle had no hole! Clearly a lancet who had been frightened by the folk tales of other lancets who told him that lancets rarely get changed – not at all like the official ‘single-use’ line he had been taught – and perhaps that’s how he ended up in a needle box…

Congratulations lancets all! You’ve all achieved a pass,
And now it’s time for you to leave the Lancing Duties class!
So follow me, you’ll be assigned to boxes at the gate –
Just keep in line and you’ll be fine, don’t push, not long to wait!

‘I’m scared, I’m not sure I should go, for though I passed the course,
And though I’d only do it once – could I draw blood by force?’
‘Just once? You’re joking! You’ll find out it’s six times every day,
And every day for several weeks before you’re thrown away!’

‘Are you sure? How awful! I think I may hang back
And lurk here in the shadows – they won’t miss one in a pack…
I’ll mingle with the needles, for surely they’re used less
And don’t conclude their useful life a blunt and bloodied mess!’

‘Oh my! I’ve been selected after months within this box,
In the darkness of this drawer with the underpants and socks!
It’s up to me to do my best and pierce this person’s skin
And deliver up a dialled dose of clean fresh insulin!’

Oh no! But wait! But it’s too late, I didn’t think this through!
I have no hole! It can’t get out! Whatever shall I do?
If only I’d stuck to my task, I’d surely have succeeded –
A lancet’s not a needle, for a needle’s hole is needed! 😱