This isnt where it started but it may be where it ends

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Jenny65

Jenny65

Well-Known Member
Relationship to Diabetes
Type 2
I am really struggling today. Apologies for bringing anyone down.

I feel a bit lost and alone, my mum was my best friend who I told everything to and she made everything right, She died in 2018 and my lovely dad died in 2007, I have 3 grown up children who I adore, they all have there own lives and I am so incredibly lonely,

Why am I trying to be healthy to live longer more with this loneliness and pain, I really dont know why I am bothering. I am 57 now single after my 28 year relationship with my childrens father ended, he has moved on, and I am happy for him, even though he abused me. He physically attacked our daughter when she prevented him attacking me when she was 17, she has a permanent restraining order against him, I dont blame her and feel guilty it came to that.

I met someone else, we were together 7 years but he tormented me emotionally , told me I was too fat to celebrate his birthday so took a girl out from work instead, lots of other things like that and was shocked when I ended it, it was complicated as my daughter was best friend for years with his daughter and was like family. I got the strength to end it.

Lock down happened, I got fatter and my son told me, "mum you have a lot of the traits of an early death, please make sure you look after yourself" i got fatter and fatter, i got diabetes, fatty liver, high cholesterol, and have been battling since 1st July with it, lost over 2 stone but today I realised, its the weekend and I have no friends and no where to go even if I wanted to. I am not sleeping well and have got nytol from the chemist, I have drunk 4 glasses of wine and wondered whether it will be a problem if I take them then thought, well what does it matter if I do take them and the worst happens, my children will have one less burden in their lives. I have written out letters to them in my head but not on paper, but feel so guilty, I love them so much but literally have nothing ahead of me, I dont want to burden them and there is alziemers in the family so it would be a kindness really,

Sorry just wanted to offload
 
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Oh my goodness @Jenny65

I am welling up reading what a tough tine you have been having, and how it has made you feel.

Thank you for feeling brave enough to share with us.

Could you please call The Samaritans, who are ready and waiting to take your call. Calling is completely free 24/7 on 116 123.
 
everydayupsanddowns said:
Oh my goodness @Jenny65

I am welling up reading what a tough tine you have been having, and how it has made you feel.

Thank you for feeling brave enough to share with us.

Could you please call The Samaritans, who are ready and waiting to take your call. Calling is completely free 24/7 on 116 123.
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I will make a call, my friend killed herself last August, we grew up together and a lot of issues, mainly with food and boyfriends affected us both, the father of my children was her first boyfriend, she finished with him, but when I started seeing him, she begged him to let me see her still, sadly we drifter apart and the reason she ended with him was his violence, I got with him when his mum died, was sad for him but apart from the 3 amazing children we had, we shouldnt have got together.

Her parents had a private funeral and my sister and me couldnt attend, part of me wonders if they blame me, she died 30 years later but I dont think she ever got over it. I still talk to her son, who is the same age as my oldest and a lovely lad. Life is so hard isnt it, she had it all, was wealthy and beautiful but no one to love once her son emigated.
 
You have been working so hard, and your efforts are paying off. Two stone weight loss is an amazing achievement.

I lost my wife to cancer in 2018 after a brutal 6 months, so have some insight into that feeling of being lost, rudderless, and not really understanding how to be an “I“ rather than part of an “us”.

You matter. You are not a burden. Your children want you to look after yourself, and to find happiness. They would be devastated if something happened to you. Every suicide is a tragedy, and leaves devastation behind.

If you think you might harm yourself, please call 999, or go to A&E.
 
everydayupsanddowns said:
You have been working so hard, and your efforts are paying off. Two stone weight loss is an amazing achievement.

I lost my wife to cancer in 2018 after a brutal 6 months, so have some insight into that feeling of being lost, rudderless, and not really understanding how to be an “I“ rather than part of an “us”.

You matter. You are not a burden. Your children want you to look after yourself, and to find happiness. They would be devastated if something happened to you. Every suicide is a tragedy, and leaves devastation behind.

If you think you might harm yourself, please call 999, or go to A&E.
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I cant call 999 as I work for the ambulance trust, I dont want people I know from work turning up. Instead I will do what I always do, put on a brave face and continue with life, however painful it is. I realise now that having children is selfish, I am going to put them through this themselves one day, its just so awful isnt it, how did I not see it before.
 
I dont want you to worry about me on this, it was selfish for me to offload, I am OK and going to bed, not taking the nytol x
 
Jenny65 said:
I dont want you to worry about me on this, it was selfish for me to offload, I am OK and going to bed, not taking the nytol x
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It is not selfish of you in the slightest. You are not choosing to feel this way - it is a difficult period you are working through. It doen’t mean it will be this difficult forever.

There is hope. You can get through it. Sometimes life gets hard. But you can make it through.

Keep talking to us
 
Jenny65 said:
I dont want you to worry about me on this, it was selfish for me to offload, I am OK and going to bed, not taking the nytol x
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It’s not selfish at all. That’s what the forum is for - support. Thinking about yourself and being upset isn’t selfish at all.

I lost my dear friend to suicide and it still hurts years later. Please don’t throw your life away. There’s always hope and you have your children to live for. It’s hard when you’re first alone, but it’s better than being with someone who doesn’t value you. You’re worth more than that @Jenny65 Don’t let other people’s nasty, stupid comments define you. You are not that person. You are unique and you very much deserve to be here and to be happy.

Please do speak to someone if you really feel down. It will pass. Sometimes things just get on top of us and we struggle to think straight. You have many friends here. xx
 
I think our late queen put it perfectly “Grief is the price we pay for love."

You hurt at the loss of your loved ones for that reason because you loved them, and it hurts beyond measure only because it was love beyond measure. Is it worth it, yes I would say so ever if now it feels like the balance is wrong.

You are never alone and your children love you and even with their own lives need you as part of theirs. As you fell with your own parents.

In terms of actually being on your own over the weekend is their a hobby or sport you w always had an interest in your Local area?
Like a WI or anything? Or if you have some faith or even not churches can be great support to sit and talk with someone.
Prepaid volunteering?
Here there’s a litter picking group, lovely bunch of people and keeping active and doing something.

When we moved here 2 years I ago I knew nobody but my husband and daughter. I joined a rugby team and not only do I love a sport I’d never even played but I found a group of women who are my tribe, some of these women are like family to me now and also the wider club is a community.

We are here for you, you are not alone. You are loved
 
I am glad that you did offload on here @Jenny65

You are dealing with so much loss, but you have people around you, and you are loved.
Do reach out to the support available

As @PhoebeC says, finding a tribe can be so helpful, whatever that may be.
Perhaps you can think of one new thing to try.

Keep in touch.
 
Many, many moons ago when I had been working abroad, but returning to UK, I had to have a discussion with my parents about where I was going to live.

For some reason, despite living in another country, my Mother had an expectation that when I came back to UK I would return close to the nest, and that wasn't in my plans at all. I found the discussion, explaining I'd be coming to the Midlands (for an excellent job) very difficult. When it finished I felt incredibly stressed and near to changing my plans.

Good old Dad. My father rang and explained that the objective in bringing up children was to help them develop into functioning, free-thinking adults who in turn would guide their own children. He told me he was proud that I was building an independent life and career, and that I knew I wanted to be my own person. Good old Dad!

Jenny, in all that, I think I am saying that you should be proud your children have become adults, managing their own lives. I feel certain they love you, even if perhaps they don't show it so much these days.

At 57, you are not old. You are at a great time for adventures. Diabetes, or the associated fatty liver or raised cholesterol need not hold you back. My own approach has been to treat my T2 as an unwelcome sibling. I have to live with it, but I don't have to love it, and it doesn't bully my decisions, in terms of what I want from life.

It seems to me you have a lot going on at the moment, and you are perhaps looking for some answers nobody can give you. The past is just that. We can't change it, but we can certainly influence our futures.

Please do talk to your doctor about these thoughts and feelings. I wonder if some CBT or talking therapy would help nudge you onto a more positive path.

In terms of building a social life; well, that can take time. Perhaps have a look at U3A . It is a wonderful organisation, focusing on activities and kinship for those from around 50 and older. The local U3A near me does all sorts from historical talks, to crafts, to social events, to trips to the likes of the Chelsea Flower Show or whatever. You might also look to see if there us a local Diabetes UK group near you. I have made wonderful friends via that, and by-jingo, we can have a great whinge about our diabetes lives.

Life is out there, and it needs you in it. Please reach out.
 
I really feel for you, but hang in there for your childrens sake as well as for yourself.

Some good advice here too.

You never know what the future may bring which may be brighter and better (I hope so )

Do keep talking to us and let us know how you are getting on
 
Hi Jenny, I want to add some hugs. You have so much to offer, and if you can make some friends through activities as suggested there's always the chance you may meet a future partner too, and if not then friends are valuable. 57 is far too young to assume you have no chance of a new future partner, my grandad remarried in his 80s.

You mention that both your ex-husband and your more recent partner were abusive though in different ways, have you ever done a course through your local domestic abuse support group? I found doing that really valuable (I did one called the Freedom Programme) both in learning about what to watch out for, and meeting others who had been through similar experiences and knowing I wasn't alone.
 
Can't add much to the wonderful advice and experiences shared above other than to say that I have battled stress and depression for years and what I know is that the bad times are just periods when my perception of things has gone skew whiff. It isn't how things really are and if I dig in and wait a few days I start to see things very differently, even though my situation hasn't changed, my perception of it does.
You are having a low spell. You are grieving your parents and grieving your carefree way of life pre diagnosis when you didn't have to think about what you ate and drank... and grieving your relationships, although it sounds like you are better off out of them and well done to you for recognizing that with the second one and walking away.
It is a lot to cope with but don't lose sight of the absolutely amazing achievements you have made in the last few months. You are incredibly strong to lose all that weight and improve your BG levels and hold down a responsible job and you clearly have children who love you and are a great credit to you. It really is important to look for and focus on the positives and to do SOMETHING to change your current situation if you are lonely and unhappy.
I have done all sorts of activities at different stages of my life when I have been on my own and joined clubs and groups and they have always been really welcoming. I have also done quite a lot of online dating and met some lovely people and learned a lot about myself in the process. What I found really good about online dating is that it makes you look for the positives in your life to share with other people and in doing so, you focus more on those than the negatives that are bringing you down. None of us are perfect but you need to focus more on the good stuff about yourself and your situation.

You are an amazing person and hopefully today or tomorrow you will start to recognize that in yourself a little more and see that there is hope for a brighter future. Sending (((HUGS))) too but do remember that you should be incredibly proud of yourself and your achievements. We have only known you for a relatively short space of time here on the forum but you have not only grasped how to manage your own diabetes in that short time, but also helped and supported a lot of other people here with your lovely friendly encouraging posts. I am sure you must also do this in other areas of your life, so you are clearly a loving, giving person and the world is a better place for your presence.
 
I found meetup was a good site for simply getting out.
It's a collection of different groups, sorted by areas, interests, (not a dating site), and each group is run locally, so very well policed, and very strict rules.

Whether you like walking, eating, dancing, holidays, learning languages, cinema, anything really, there is usually something in in there for everyone.
I've flown Boeing 737's when one group rented a flight simulator for the afternoon, done walks, and pub meet ups for music, and drinks. That was a mixed group as well, so very safe. No dress code, from dressed for the evening to jeans and t-shirts.
All very informal, and set up by people that want to set them up themselves, very friendly and welcoming, with lots of feedback before you take the plunge.
None of the group's are open, so again no surprises, and newbies have to register first.

www.meetup.com

Find Events & Groups | Meetup

Find Meetup events and groups so you can do more of what matters to you and meet people near you who share your interests.
www.meetup.com www.meetup.com

The link is just a random choice of town, it's actually a world wide web site but recognises all UK places.
 
I want to thank you all for your kindness and support during a very low moment, I am a little embarrassed by my post and realise everyone has thing in life to contend with. I hadnt eaten very much and had drunk some wine which made the emotions flood out. I am OK and apologise for not coming back to update this thread until now, I just felt a little foolish and at my age should know better, thank you to those that also messaged me privately I will reply to you allxxx
 
We all have good and bad times. Certainly no need to feel embarrassed. It shows you are human. It is good that you reached out for support. It is good that you ferl a lot better too. Keep going....best wishes.
 
So pleased that you are feeling so much better @Jenny65 .
Also pleased that you came on here when you were feeling so low, and absolutely no need to feel embarrassed. This is a good place to come and tap into the support available, or just rant.
 
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