Ranting again (sorry)

[SilentAssassin1642]

I cried at work today. People kept asking me what was wrong. I snapped at them. And then I cried. I feel so angry over this whole thing, so angry. I'm 21 years old and there is a 90% possibility that I have a form of nueropathy. My career in archaeology could be up in smoke. I am 21 years old, with so much ahead of me, and there is a 90% possibility that I have this stupid diabetes complication. Yet, why the hell do I have it???. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME? It was bad enough when I got the letter about the background retinopathy but this?? This could ruin my chances of ever getting an archaeology job. I think the next time I talk to the DSN I might ask her about it. They think it will go away, that's its transient. If I get tighter control it will settle down and go away. I hope so because right now, I am so miserable.

I have no idea what to tell my parents. I'll know they'll say its my fault for not looking after myself. But the fact is, I hav been. I have been so good with just that one episode of not really caring.

People at work don't understand. I was told earlier to just 'get on with it'. Yeah, that's pretty mucH impossible to be honest with you. How can I get on with it when the job is likely what's making things worse?

They say it could take months to sort itself out, but they're not giving me any pain killers. I've had to go into boots and buy Paracetamol and Codeine just to prepare myself for a day at work. They sent me home early again today because of it. It's been two days, and it's affected my life already. I can't afford to work less hours, I just cannotdo it. Yet this is getting in the way of my life and my dreams. I will not give up my dreams of being an archaeologist because of me being the unluckiest diabetic in the world. I really think a proper chat with my DSN would go down a treat. I could do with someone to rant at, to moan at, to cry at. It's all well and good crying on Matt's shoulder, but he doesn't understand and oftentimes just gets frustrated with me because he doesn't really get it. I try and include him, I try and explain things. But when i'm upset about it all, there's not much he can say or do. He turned round to me the other day and told me this whole thing was my own fault. It probably is. But still the question remains, WHY HAVE I GOT IT?? WHY AM I SO UNLUCKY WITH IT??????? why not someone ELSE?????

I hate this. I hate this so much. I want them to sort it, but I'm waiting on an appointment to see the specialist and the podiatrist. It may not even be nueropathy. But the fact is, I still firmly believe that it is a type of nueropathy. And I am sO terrified. More so, I'm angry. I'm angry that my diabetes team could let this happen. I'm angry that the team in Winchester didn't listen to me when I said I was terrified that I had the onset of nueropathy. And more so, I'm angry that the possibility exists that my livelihood and dreams could be washed down the drain and all because of the lack of simple care that I am supposed to have, I have been working so hard at getting everything under control to stop this from happening. And it happens anyway. I'm so angry I could cry.

I just want to drink my way into oblivion, but the painkillers I am having to take off my own back mean I can't. I'm worried too that I'm sinking into depression over this whole thing. I haven't been able to stop crying since I found this whole thing out yesterday morning. I just want it to be over.

 

[sofaraway]

I can really relate to how you are feeling. I was told that I have neuropathy in my feet last year. I was very upset and angry at the time. From my situation things have got better, and I hope they do for you

 

[Copepod]

Salmonpuff - not sure if this thought will help you, but if does, good; if it doesn't help, please ignore and keep looking for better answers.
When I was diagnosed type 1, as a 30 year recent Marine Biology graduate, I knew it would limit my options, making professional SCUBA diving, working overwinter in Antarctica etc impossible, and within a year of getting my driving licence, I was affected by the blanket ban on insulin users driving minibuses, which meant an end to my newly established ecotourism career.
I decided early on that either I could accept and "just get on with it" (although I'd have been pretty annoyed if anyone had said that to me) or I could give up living the sort of life that was worthwhile to me. I found a few ways round some restrictions eg I went as a science leader on a youth expedition to sub Antarctic islands. I didn't ask "why me?" because I'd previously worked as a nurse and saw many people going through the "why me?" or "why him / her?" and it never seemed to help them. Unexpectedly, since diagnosis, I have found a wonderful partner, having only had a couple of flings in younger years, and have discovered some new sports / activities - adventure racing hadn't really existed before my diagnois, not that the 2 are connected! Not sure how I'd cope with a diagnosis of complications, though - but Sofaway has already tackled that aspect.
At the very least, if you are interested in leading archaeology projects on youth expeditions in arctic regions, please PM and I'll give you details. I hope you will find new challenges very soon and for many years to come.

 

[AlisonM]

Call NHS direct and ask them what you can do about the pain tonight. Then call your doctor in the morning, tell him you can't handle the pain any more and you need help NOW! Temporary or not it's seriously affecting your ability to function and needs dealt with immediately. Cry on him if you have to. Get a cuddle from the OH and here's a virtual hug from me.

I hope you feel better soon.

 

[SilentAssassin1642]

Call NHS direct and ask them what you can do about the pain tonight. Then call your doctor in the morning, tell him you can't handle the pain any more and you need help NOW! Temporary or not it's seriously affecting your ability to function and needs dealt with immediately. Cry on him if you have to. Get a cuddle from the OH and here's a virtual hug from me.

I hope you feel better soon.

Thanks Alison. Its not really the pain thats getting to me, I havent had anything nearly as bad as I had the other night. Its the bloody tingles thats getting to me. I cried today because of how awful the situation is...its just a giant pile of stinking c**p

I think another call to the doc might be worth it though. I'm gunna try this pacetamol and codeine now, though its not really bad pain at all right now (was earlier when my BGs were high 😱, but paracetamol saw that one ok)

 

[bev]

Hi Sam,

I would be very careful taking codeine - it can make you very drowsy etc..
I have taken it once and i felt like a zombie!😱

Sorry your feeling so down - I have no other advice to offer other than what has already been said. I DO think you are a perfect candidate for a pump though! If your team want you to get tighter control - this will help enormously. I very much doubt that your career is over - your very young - and as you say -you have only rebelled once - I feel certain that some medical intervention will help you. Wait until you have seen your team etc and I feel sure they will put your mind at rest about all this. Dont drink whilst taking painkillers - especially codeine!🙂 ( sorry i cant help it - i am a mum!)😉Bev x

 

[SilentAssassin1642]

Hi Sam,

I would be very careful taking codeine - it can make you very drowsy etc..
I have taken it once and i felt like a zombie!😱

Sorry your feeling so down - I have no other advice to offer other than what has already been said. I DO think you are a perfect candidate for a pump though! If your team want you to get tighter control - this will help enormously. I very much doubt that your career is over - your very young - and as you say -you have only rebelled once - I feel certain that some medical intervention will help you. Wait until you have seen your team etc and I feel sure they will put your mind at rest about all this. Dont drink whilst taking painkillers - especially codeine!🙂 ( sorry i cant help it - i am a mum!)😉Bev x

Thank you bev, you're such a sweetie. I guess that now at least they'll finally consider that a pump is the way to go. I really hope that this gets sorted out because already its so horrible. but right now I wish I could drink on painkillers but no, not for me. Not tonight. I spoke to a DSN this morning but my usual one was away, I think she's back next week so I might give her a call then and see if I can go up there and have a rant/cry/bitching session about the whole thing.

 

[SilentAssassin1642]

Salmonpuff - not sure if this thought will help you, but if does, good; if it doesn't help, please ignore and keep looking for better answers.
When I was diagnosed type 1, as a 30 year recent Marine Biology graduate, I knew it would limit my options, making professional SCUBA diving, working overwinter in Antarctica etc impossible, and within a year of getting my driving licence, I was affected by the blanket ban on insulin users driving minibuses, which meant an end to my newly established ecotourism career.
I decided early on that either I could accept and "just get on with it" (although I'd have been pretty annoyed if anyone had said that to me) or I could give up living the sort of life that was worthwhile to me. I found a few ways round some restrictions eg I went as a science leader on a youth expedition to sub Antarctic islands. I didn't ask "why me?" because I'd previously worked as a nurse and saw many people going through the "why me?" or "why him / her?" and it never seemed to help them. Unexpectedly, since diagnosis, I have found a wonderful partner, having only had a couple of flings in younger years, and have discovered some new sports / activities - adventure racing hadn't really existed before my diagnois, not that the 2 are connected! Not sure how I'd cope with a diagnosis of complications, though - but Sofaway has already tackled that aspect.
At the very least, if you are interested in leading archaeology projects on youth expeditions in arctic regions, please PM and I'll give you details. I hope you will find new challenges very soon and for many years to come.

Thanks copepod. Any way I can get involved in archaeology right now would just be awesome - diabetes or not, complications or not. I don't want it to get the stage where I definitely can't do anything in archaeology anymore - what sort of stuff does it involve? Is it all abroad?. I might give a few of the local units a ring, just keep at them until they let me have a job even if its just for a little while 🙂

 

[falcon123]

Sorry to hear about your troubles. You need to see your GP. There is a vast range of painkillers and some are more suitable than others, and this may vary from person to person. Unfortunately I have experienced a lot of pain in the past few years; firstly from two collapsed discs in my back and secondly when I fractured my femur in an accident. Finding the right painkiller is not always easy as you have to balance pain relief against side effects. Hopefully yours will clear up soon. A Vitamin B complex is thought to be good for nerve damage and it may be worth taking a supplement if your GP has no objections.

Virtual hugs!!!

 

[SilentAssassin1642]

Sorry to hear about your troubles. You need to see your GP. There is a vast range of painkillers and some are more suitable than others, and this may vary from person to person. Unfortunately I have experienced a lot of pain in the past few years; firstly from two collapsed discs in my back and secondly when I fractured my femur in an accident. Finding the right painkiller is not always easy as you have to balance pain relief against side effects. Hopefully yours will clear up soon. A Vitamin B complex is thought to be good for nerve damage and it may be worth taking a supplement if your GP has no objections.

Virtual hugs!!!

thanks falcon. I saw my GP on monday morning, and he said until Ive been up to the clinic and had things looked at properly, he won't prescribe me any form of painkillers at all. He basically told me to make do with paracetamol if the pains come back

 

[HelenP]

Hi Sam, I don't know what to say that hasn't already been said (and some of that I wouldn't even have thought of, so I'm glad ppl posted before me!!). I know it won't make you feel any better, but I really do feel for you, I don't know if I'd have coped at all if I'd been diagnosed as a young woman.

Hopefully, even if Matt doesn't understand, he can just be there for you with unconditional TLC.

xx

 

[SilentAssassin1642]

Hi Sam,

I would be very careful taking codeine - it can make you very drowsy etc..
I have taken it once and i felt like a zombie!😱

Sorry your feeling so down - I have no other advice to offer other than what has already been said. I DO think you are a perfect candidate for a pump though! If your team want you to get tighter control - this will help enormously. I very much doubt that your career is over - your very young - and as you say -you have only rebelled once - I feel certain that some medical intervention will help you. Wait until you have seen your team etc and I feel sure they will put your mind at rest about all this. Dont drink whilst taking painkillers - especially codeine!🙂 ( sorry i cant help it - i am a mum!)😉Bev x

wow bev...you're right...codeine has made me super sleepy *yawn*. Wow. Such a wierd feeling and I still have to walk toASDAs. Hmmm. At least the pains pretty much gone (probably helped by the fact the BGs are coming down too!)

 

[bev]

Sam,
Can you ask Matt to check you in the night in case you go low? I am just thinking that you may zombie out and not realise if your low.😱🙂Also, dont drive (dont know if you do normally). OK lecture over.🙂Bev

 

[Northerner]

Hi Sam, sorry to hear you have been feeling so down and scared. A good talk with the DSN will help no end. I think the ones at RSH are part time/job sharers, so you may not get to see the same one each time, but I have seen both of them and they are equally lovely and understanding.

You're having so amny extremes at the moment aren't you? You were so happy on your graduation day, and now you're having to deal with this. What I would say is that I had similar 'transient' neuropathy sensations in my feet - particularly my toes - in the few months after diagnosis. This has all but disappeared now. You may remember that I was also told I had background retinopathy. Both of these may actually be related to me getting better control, and that transitional period when levels are consistently falling more in range - which is what you have been doing over the past few months. So do try not to think the worst at this stage, although I know that is far easier said than done.

I don't think your job will be helping your feet - did the doctors consider whether this could be a cause of the pain rather than something diabetes related? I'm guessing that you weren't on your feet all the time before you left Uni, and it can take some time to adjust to. Are you forced to wear shoes provided by them? Don't employers have to maek 'reasonable adjustments' for you which should include wearing footwear that is comfortable and more appropriate to you as a diabetic, considering how careful we have to be with our feet? When I broke my leg I used to wear trainers at work because I needed the cushioning they provided. I've only worn 'proper' shoes once in the past year, at a friend's wedding!

As for your future career, I have no doubt you will get where you want to be. You are an extremely bright and resourceful person with tremendous enthusiasm for and knowledge of your subject. I was on the dole after leaving uni for three years, but then got into a well-paid and largely enjoyable job, so if a feckless Northerner like me can do it, you definitely can! It may embarass you to know it, but I actually find you a very inspiring person!

You know your parents better than me, but I think they would want to support you and not to blame you and say 'I told you so'.

Hope things are looking brighter in the morning!🙂

 

[twinnie]

so sorry your feeling like this i cant really give any advice i just want to give you a hug (( ))

 

[SilentAssassin1642]

Hi Sam, sorry to hear you have been feeling so down and scared. A good talk with the DSN will help no end. I think the ones at RSH are part time/job sharers, so you may not get to see the same one each time, but I have seen both of them and they are equally lovely and understanding.

You're having so amny extremes at the moment aren't you? You were so happy on your graduation day, and now you're having to deal with this. What I would say is that I had similar 'transient' neuropathy sensations in my feet - particularly my toes - in the few months after diagnosis. This has all but disappeared now. You may remember that I was also told I had background retinopathy. Both of these may actually be related to me getting better control, and that transitional period when levels are consistently falling more in range - which is what you have been doing over the past few months. So do try not to think the worst at this stage, although I know that is far easier said than done.

I don't think your job will be helping your feet - did the doctors consider whether this could be a cause of the pain rather than something diabetes related? I'm guessing that you weren't on your feet all the time before you left Uni, and it can take some time to adjust to. Are you forced to wear shoes provided by them? Don't employers have to maek 'reasonable adjustments' for you which should include wearing footwear that is comfortable and more appropriate to you as a diabetic, considering how careful we have to be with our feet? When I broke my leg I used to wear trainers at work because I needed the cushioning they provided. I've only worn 'proper' shoes once in the past year, at a friend's wedding!

As for your future career, I have no doubt you will get where you want to be. You are an extremely bright and resourceful person with tremendous enthusiasm for and knowledge of your subject. I was on the dole after leaving uni for three years, but then got into a well-paid and largely enjoyable job, so if a feckless Northerner like me can do it, you definitely can! It may embarass you to know it, but I actually find you a very inspiring person!

You know your parents better than me, but I think they would want to support you and not to blame you and say 'I told you so'.

Hope things are looking brighter in the morning!🙂

ooooooooooh northe, this just made me well up again!!!!!! As you know I have been getting superbly better results, so this might be because of it. And if someone as awesome as you can come through it then hey, I think I can too!

I don't think they did think it could be partly job related. The shoes they provide are supposed to be comfy, and have arch supports and whatnot, but tbh, they're not brill at all. I find they do up way too tightly and if loostened are even less comfy. I might have a word and see if i can wear my pair of brown shoes (theyre my favourites and very comfy but i dont really want to ruin them!).

And bless you, I may have the entusiasm for my subject but units dont see that right now. Stupid recession. I was hoping to get some work with the city council but I'm not sure if theyd even want me in the field now what with this. Maybe a chat with Dr Russel would work. I might drop in and see him at some point and just ask if theres anything going that I can be paid for! Talking to Tom on MSN earlier, i said that I wouldnt let this stop me from doing what I want to do, its not going to tarnish my dreams in any way, shape or form. Even if it seems bad right now and im relying on codeine (my GOD asda was a strange place having that in my system!!!!!!!!) to get me through the day, hopefully it wont last forever!

Thanks northe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You're ace!

And bev, I might ask Matt to do that. I just checked and found myself at 2.5...😱

 

[SilentAssassin1642]

so sorry your feeling like this i cant really give any advice i just want to give you a hug (( ))

Thank you, hugs very much appreciated at the moment 🙂

 

[squidge63]

I take Lyrica for the pains in my feet and they work well, mind you I am also on tramadol and voltarol as i have quite a few pains in my body... I notice that when my sugars are high the pain and tingling is worse, and was told by my dr that it would improve once my sugars were under better control and that is so true.. I have been diabetic now for 10 years and have minor retinopathy problems and the neuropathy... it comes to us all at somepoint whther we have perfect control or cr*p control it seems..

Hope things get sorted for you ((hugs))

 

[Copepod]

"Thanks copepod. Any way I can get involved in archaeology right now would just be awesome - diabetes or not, complications or not. I don't want it to get the stage where I definitely can't do anything in archaeology anymore - what sort of stuff does it involve? Is it all abroad?" PM sent regarding BSES expeditions.

 

[ChrisP]

Sam,

Nothing of value to add other than to remind you that others (including me) are thinking of you and that you are in the thoughts and wishes of your friends and loved ones.

Take care and if there is ANYTHING I can do to help just ask.

Chris