Question for partners of diabetics - how to cope with unpleasant behaviour caused by partners hypo?

[LoopyFlo]

I'm sure this will make me seem very selfish, after all I'm not the one coping with a life long medical condition, but I'm at the end of my tether with my partners behaviour when his blood sugar is low. Having been on the receiving end of yet another round of deeply unpleasant verbal nastiness tonight, honestly I'm wondering if I can take any more. I know it's his illness and not him, but I feel battered and bruised. I've had a horrible few weeks with family illness followed by bereavement and he used this as his ammunition. I honestly can't cope with this any more and I don't know what to do.

 

[Owen]

I'm sure this will make me seem very selfish, after all I'm not the one coping with a life long medical condition, but I'm at the end of my tether with my partners behaviour when his blood sugar is low. Having been on the receiving end of yet another round of deeply unpleasant verbal nastiness tonight, honestly I'm wondering if I can take any more. I know it's his illness and not him, but I feel battered and bruised. I've had a horrible few weeks with family illness followed by bereavement and he used this as his ammunition. I honestly can't cope with this any more and I don't know what to do.

Sadly once you are at the point of the hypo, there is not a lot to stop this happening. I attend people that become aggressive when coming out of a bad hypo. Normally people that do become nasty, tend to show early signs of altered behaviour. This could help you identify their blood sugar dropping before they become hypoglycemic. It might also help your partner to discuss this their GP, as CBT can sometimes help by developing plans to deal with their behaviour.
I no that I can personally become quite sharp when dropping low, I now check my blood more often and this helps most times.

 

[Ralph-YK]

I'm sorry you've had the problems. My first thought is preventative. Not having the hypo. Try talking to your partner at some other time about preventing hypos. You're probably are going to have to talk about his behaviour and put in boundaries. Even though it's down to a condition, it's no good for you.

Personally, even before I was diabetic, I always though my family ate 3 hourse too late. They'd start putting out the mid day meal (12 o'clock) at 3pm. I know some familys who will have lunch at 12:30, then will not even consider eathing anything till gone 9 pm.

 

[grovesy]

Welcome.

 

[Radders]

Does your husband remember what he has said, and does he realise how it's made you feel and show any remorse?
While we may not be able to help our behaviour when hypo, he might be the one who is in a position to try and find a solution.
Does he need help from you when he's hypo? If not could you just stay away from him?

 

[LoopyFlo]

He's just attended a course to help him manage his sugar levels but IF anything it's not made things worse.

On this particular occasion he sought me out for a "talk" and then wouldn't leave me alone. I could tell his blood sugar was too low, there are some very obvious signs, but trying to get him to test his blood or eat something just resulted in more abuse.

I've talked to him about it countless times but he gets defensive and here we are again. I'd have left him years ago if he'd been like this at all in a normal state.

What can he so to be more Hypo aware? I think this is the big problem.

Thank you so much for your replies.

 

[DeusXM]

I'd have left him years ago if he'd been like this at all in a normal state.

I wouldn't make that your opening line but I think you do need to get across to him that he can't hide behind diabetes as an excuse to treat you badly, even if he's not fully in control.

I don't know the extent of the conversations you've had with him, but I'd do it at a point in the day when he hasn't had a hypo or just had one (this needs to be planned, not a reaction to another bad event) and I think it's a case of explaining to him while you understand he can't help it when he's having a hypo, not having a hypo in the first place IS under his control and it is not fair on you that you have to be the subject of abuse for something he should be taking responsibility for.

You should also make it clear that you're not prepared to put up with him not taking responsibility for him ensuring he doesn't get into that situation, and tell him next time this happens, you will be walking out that door for an hour until he sorts himself out. That should give him something to stew on and worry about when he's treated his hypo and you're not there, it might make him realise his behaviour is so awful that you don't want to be around him.

It may even be worth surreptitiously recording him when he's abusing you and playing it back when he's calmed down and recovered - it may be he genuinely doesn't realise just how awful he's being and if he's a decent human being he will probably be horrified at what he turns into.

 

[LoopyFlo]

Thank you. Unfortunately leaving him alone in the house isn't an option, we have children that can't be left with him when he's in this state.

I will probably need to apologise to him tonight for the email I sent him this morning, the tone was calm but there was probably a lot of emotional content that he's unlikely to be able to process at this point - but basically everything you've suggested I say or explain. He doesn't react well to any kind of criticism, deserved/constructive or not.

I have considered recording him but it's difficult to do surreptitiously, and I never know when it's going to happen, last night was a real shock which I think is why I'm so upset, so when I get hit with the force of it I'm not really thinking coherently enough to start recording. Does that make sense?

 

[DeusXM]

Unfortunately leaving him alone in the house isn't an option, we have children that can't be left with him when he's in this state.

Understood. Sorry, I didn't realise you had children in the mix for this. It might seem extreme but I would suggest that you should take the children with you for that hour, although this might inflame tensions quite a bit. That will be your judgement call, but at the heart of all this, your partner needs to understand that his actions have consequences.

I will probably need to apologise to him tonight for the email I sent him this morning, the tone was calm but there was probably a lot of emotional content that he's unlikely to be able to process at this point - but basically everything you've suggested I say or explain. He doesn't react well to any kind of criticism, deserved/constructive or not.

If there's one thing I've learned in life, it's that relationship difficulties are always made worse by email or its dreaded cousin, the 'long text'.

The ONLY way to deal with these kinds of issues is face to face. Anything written down can be misinterpreted. By all means, write an email that says what you want to say but don't send it, use it as a way of collecting your thoughts so you can have a structured discussion that doesn't miss out anything. Do whatever you need to, but it's essential that he realises bad things will happen as a result of his issues beyond what he incorrectly sees as 'nagging'. You are fearful and upset, and the example he is setting to his own children is that it's ok for dads to be horrendous to mums. Yes, he is the one who has diabetes but he is letting it damage your family, which should be a place of love, care and respect.