partner of a diabetic, need help please

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susanann

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Hi Ive just joined. I really need help. My fiance was diagnosed with type 2 about 4 yrs ago. Ive not known him that long, whirlwind courtship and all that! We are both early 50s. My problem is he doesnt seem to take his condition seriously. He is about 2 stone overweight, has ED and doesnt really exercise and he eats the wrong things. Back in August I suggested we both went on a healthy eating plan, I wanted to loose about 12 lbs. It was a way of supporting him and helping myself too. Fast forward to November, Ive lost just over a stone, hes put ON 11lbs! In the last month Ive begged, cajoled, threatened etc but no change. Im seriously considering ending our relationship, which may sound harsh. The way I look at it Ive tried to support and help him but hes not helping himself. I should add I have my own problems (depression) but Ive still been there for him.He is a wonderful man apart from this but im getting so exasperated with him. Ive put up with the ED, we have tried viagra etc with a bit of success. Someone has told me that I will probably end up being his carer. This frightens me and to to be honest I resent that, if he looked after himself it may be unavoidable. I really am stuck and not sure what to do. Ive told him how I feel and have said im considering leaving. He seems to be determined to stick his head in the sand and leave it there. Any suggestions? sorry this is so long!
 
Hi SusanAnn

Sorry to hear you've been having a hard time (congratulations on your weight loss!)

Talking openly to your partner is a really good thing - so keep that up.

I wonder if he has had any psychological support or treatment for depression? Depression and diabetes often go hand in hand and perhaps his lack of care for himself is symptomatic of that?

Hope you both find some help and support soon
 
Hi Susanann, welcome to the forum 🙂 I'm very sorry to hear that all your efforts appear to be falling on deaf ears, it must be tremendously frustrating and disheartening for you :(

What is his diabetes care like from his GP? Does he have regular check ups on his eyes, feet, blood sugar levels etc.? From the sound of it, his blood sugar control may not be very good, and as well as the physical problems such as ED that this can cause, it will also have a big effect on his moods and motivation to improve things- I'm afraid it's a bit of a vicious circle.

Has he ever been on a diabetes education course? Two popular ones are called DESMOND and Xpert, although your PCT may run their own version. This can be tremendously helpful as he will be able to meet other people in a similar situation, and you can usually be accompanied by a partner so he might be more likely to attend if you accompany him. As you have realised, he really has to get to grips with things if he is to avoid some of the serious consequences of not doing so. The frustrating thing is that, if you just spend a little time each day learning how to manage your diabetes, making good food choices (and paying attention to portion sizes), plus getting some regular exercise, then diabetes does not have to be a problem . It can be managed well, and many people find that once they improve their blood sugar control they begin to feel happier and healthier than they may have done for years. The rewards vastly outweigh the effort and will be felt very quickly!

Is he on any medication for his diabetes? Does he suffer any side-effects from these? If so, this may also be affecting his motivation and quality of life, so it is worth discussing with his GP. I would suggest reading Jennifer's Advice and Maggie Davey's letter to get a good idea of a practical approach to getting things under control, and a copy of Type 2 Diabetes: The First Year by Gretchen Becker would also be helpful (although he is not in his first year, I think it sounds like he needs a 'fresh start').

A food diary can be helpful. Record all the food eaten each day for a week or two, making particular note of the amount of carbohydrate in everything eaten or drunk - a book like Collins Gem Calorie Counter is useful when not using things from packets. Then you will be able to look for areas that might be improved - perhaps less potato and more green veg, for example. The GL Diet for Dummies is a good introduction to a way of choosing food that will have a slow and steady impact on blood sugar, so a good eating plan for diabetes 🙂 Ideally, he should use a blood testing meter to check his blood sugar levels before and one or two hours after eating in order to see how well he tolerates different things (this can be a very individual thing). On the whole, a healthy diet for diabetes is a healthy diet for everyone, so no need to buy particular 'diabetic' foods and you can eat the same things!

Please ask any questions you may have, and we will try our best to help. I hope that you can help him turn things around so he can rediscover the happiness that good health can bring 🙂
 
thank you both of you. Northener your post was particularly helpful. Thank you. I have suggested some of the things you have mentioned, eg food diary and seeing gp again. He does see the diabetic nurse but he rarely does the blood tests at home and only if i remind him.(nag!) I do realise he could be depressed but its very hard to have a sensible conversation with him. I sometimes think he sometimes says what he thinks I want to hear, but carries on in the same way. I will look into the things you have suggested. To be honest Im thinking of leaving, Ive had enough! Thank you so much for your support. Sue
 
Welcome to the forum.

I've just clicked past 49 so am not too far behind you. I was diagnosed in October 2009 and was more like 4st overweight. I was put on to medication straight away (gliclazide to start with and then metformin replaced it).

The thing is, it was the kick in the pants I needed to get myself sorted. I changed my diet (gradually over the months .... I didn't know what to do at first .... see Northerner's advice for some pointers!) and really upped the exercise (walked every day, cycled and got myself an indoor rowing machine .... but, tbh, the walking was the main thing).

Within three months I was off the medication and within 2 years I had got to my fighting weight. I am still off the medication and my diabetic symptoms are pretty much in abbeyance.

So, it isn't necessarily the slippery slope that the medical types would have you believe. Your partner can (hopefully) look forward to a healthy future. BUT, he must take responsibility for it NOW!

Oh, by the way, I am NOT a paragon of virtue. There are many times I get wilting looks from my partner when I'm tucking into something 'naughty'. However, overall, I am still pretty much on track (my last HbA1c was equal to my best ever at 40mmol/mol or 5.8% in old money).

Good luck,

Andy 🙂
 
Hi SusanAnn

I'm not a type 2 and cant offer advice on that side of things, but was struck by your story. I've had a family member who smoked destructively despite a serious chest condition and can remember the frustration, his wife trying to balance perceived nagging with trying to encourage him to reduce his smoking and be perceived as a sympathetic supporting spouse at the same time.

It must be a hard position to be in and well done for looking for ways to support him.

You seem very aware: I agree, saying how you feel, being open and truthful is so important. Talking about your own feelings 'I feel sad because I love you very much and am very worried that if you continue this way, you'll be ill and I'll find it very hard' Is sooo much better than being judgemental ('you shouldn't be eating that it's bad for you / you're not listening to the doctors
and I'm sick of it').

But it must be hard to be supportive when you don't get a response and it's great that you recognise the need to support yourself. I know when I've been having a bad patch with my diabetes, my husband is always the last person I will ever listen to, so transferring this role to doctors / councillors as much as you can (they cant talk to you about his medical problem without his say-so but they might be prepared to listen without comment to your concerns) might be helpful.

You can't make a life changing decision for him, he has to want to help himself, but you can make it very clear that the support is there when he wants it.
 
ive just been to library to see if I could get the book by Gretchen Becker that northener suggested. Think ive actually got the wrong one but still! Texted other half at work and told him only be told its got bad reviews. I know im probably being over sensitive but i feel like hes throwing my help back in my face.On the plus side he said hes ordered some other books on amazon.
 
susanann said:
ive just been to library to see if I could get the book by Gretchen Becker that northener suggested. Think ive actually got the wrong one but still! Texted other half at work and told him only be told its got bad reviews. I know im probably being over sensitive but i feel like hes throwing my help back in my face.On the plus side he said hes ordered some other books on amazon.
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Hmm...on amazon it has 41 reviews, 28 of which are 5*, plus practcally every member here who has read it has highly recommended it. I think she's only written that book, but I may be wrong - I would have thought it was the one most likely to be in the library. You can but try! It would be interesting to know what other books he has ordered. Try not to let it upset you, sometimes people feel that it is something they need to handle their way and find it hard to accept help.
 
Welcome to the forums SusanAnn 🙂

My immediate thought was that you can lead a horse to water, but...
My second thought was that he needed to acquire some common sense - but it's fairly possible he is depressed/in denial.

As a partner you are doing everything you can and it's very commendable. But he is acting a bit of the child. Sometimes that needs a bit of careful dealing to bring the child to a more adult attitude, sometimes it needs a sledgehammer technique. My wife favours the former, I favour the latter (it's a balanced approach :D)

If he does go all stroppy child with you, don't forget that sometimes you do need to follow through with the threatened discipline however much it hurts you as well (a corollary to that is that you don't threaten anything you are not prepared to go through with). Take care of yourself first!

Everyone else probably offers much better advice then me of course 😉
 
susanann said:
Forgot to ask, are carrots good or bad in diabetics diet?
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Good! They do contain carbohydrate, but not a large amount - you'd have to eat a lot of carrots for it to be a problem! 🙂 The trick is to replace high carb items, like potatoes, with lower carb items, like most other veg. Peas and sweetcorn are a bit higher than others. Sweet potatoes, though, are actually lower carb than 'ordinary' potatoes!
 
And parsnips, they are a LOT higher !! 😱
 
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