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Needing support as a carer

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This thread is now closed. Please contact Anna DUK, Ieva DUK or everydayupsanddowns if you would like it re-opened.
@Drummer, things are very different now and anecdotes about something that might have happened 50 years ago are not relevant.

I am no expert and have no qualifications in this area. As I understand it there are two basic forms of power of attorney.

First, if somebody is considered to be incapacitated then somebody can apply to the Court of Protection to be granted power of attorney to handle their affairs. This is only granted after a rigorous examination of all aspects of the case and involves the use of lawyers. You cannot simply turn up and demand it. I does not work that way.

Second is the Lasting Power of Attorney. This is where somebody who is not incapacitated decides that it would be wise to make arrangements so that if they did become incapacitated somebody competent of their choice would be able to handle their affairs. This is a straightforward process which does contain protections for all interested parties. You do not need a lawyer. It is what I did.
 
Docb said:
Good question. Maybe I should have said recognised carer because I do not think there is a register as such. It should come from your contact with carers services. They will decide whether a carers assessment is appropriate for you, and from what you have said I would be surprised if it is not, and this will be done and entered into their system which will recognise the fact that you are a carer. It will be reviewed on a regular basis. The GP should be told about it so that it can be added your, and his, notes and should help in contacts with the surgery.

When it comes to powers of attorney, I know a little about that having set them up for myself because of my concern for what would happen to the person I care for if I became incapacitated for some reason. It would allow the people I have appointed as attorneys to take over my affairs quickly and make sure things could be kept going. It was all very straightforward. I think that your situation is more complicated and you need to speak to somebody who can advise you properly and confidentially. I am not sure that a public forum is a good place to discuss such things. The citizens advice bureau may be a good place to start. One thing I do know is that the Court of Protection (the body that oversees PofA matters) takes a dim view of coercion in these matters.

You may feel at your wits end but there will be a way forward and when you find it things will clear. Getting the system to work for you is what I would recommend and you have already started on that. It might take a little time, but you will get there.
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Hi Docb,
I had a call from CarersFirst today and I had PoA on my list of questions but they brought it up. I will be getting another call next week to discuss an assessment and see what else can be done in general to help. I also had a call from my physio to show me the MRI picture of my spine, which showed three bones that had changed size and shape. He said this was caused by my blood cancer. Onwards...
 
Drummer said:
Are you certain it is 'our house'?
Half a century ago now I heard of an elderly man who's long standing partner was thrown out of their flat with nothing when two of his daughters turned up unannounced. She was unable to recover anything - not even her clothes or handbag as she was accused of stealing his money. They even tried to take money out of her bank account. Luckily she was well known to the bank clerk, and had contacted the bank to alert them to the situation.
With things as they are now I doubt that you could get power of attorney easily, but of all the various places involved know that you are looking after him, and that they ought to organise appointments, medication and updates with both of you in order to keep him safe.
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Hi Drummer, I just picked up your message. Yes - the house is in both our names and I have paid out more than half over the years. I had heard that story and don't want it to happen to me as I have no-one. At this moment he's just allowed himself to go into a hypo - 2.2. I've brought his blood sugar up higher than it should be but it's coming down. Now (20.40) he's just put his coat and shoes on and left the house with a torch but without a word.
 
Sorry to hear about your husband’s hypo @Johnsgirl - sounds nasty!

Does he leave the house late like this often? Any idea where he might have gone? Might be still be in a state of confusion because of low blood glucose?
 
No, he doesn't do this. He hasn't taken his phone but he has taken his Libre. His blood was up to 10 just before he left, going down. I have no idea where he's gone. It's pitch black outside and narrow roads. At least at this time of night there won't be much traffic. He's angry with me because I didn't pick up his pain killer prescription. He asked for some of mine, which were actually his, but he didn't take them. I had got my long awaited first phone call from CarersFirst and it slipped my mind, but I don't believe it's urgent as he hasn't been taking the pain killers he already has. I am taking him out tomorrow and I thought I would do it while I was out in the car.

I don't think he's in a state of confusion because he's just been commenting on the events of Coronation Street. I did the same thing a few nights ago and went for a drive by myself. Apparently, we have no food in the house (not true) and while I am shielding, I should "get off my backside and go to Tesco instead of playing on the computer all the time". I asked him why he couldn't remember that I was shielding. He was fuming when I told him I couldn't get a slot until Tuesday but I have managed to amend that to Sunday. There is always (oh, he's back) standby foods in the house. You just need to be a bit creative.
 
Hi @Johnsgirl. Great that you have had a positive first contact with the carer services. If the follow up goes well and an assessment is done then that should open up the avenues to get the support you need. As you say, onwards and onwards and dont give up.
 
Oh - I'm surprised if the situation I knew of was ever made public - I was living in Southsea, Hampshire and the woman was able to go to the home of someone we knew quite well due to our being on the folk club scene at the time. She was able to re-establish a life for herself quite quickly, and came back to the folk clubs, but we never saw the man again.
Glad to read that he's back - if it is anything like here, the nights are a lot colder now and so it is far more comfortable to be indoors.
A phrase we use to use a lot with my mother in law was 'Don't worry, it is all arranged.' rather than trying to give details of the day and time when things were to be done. It seemed to help as her confusion and agitation increased.
 
Drummer said:
Oh - I'm surprised if the situation I knew of was ever made public - I was living in Southsea, Hampshire and the woman was able to go to the home of someone we knew quite well due to our being on the folk club scene at the time. She was able to re-establish a life for herself quite quickly, and came back to the folk clubs, but we never saw the man again.
Glad to read that he's back - if it is anything like here, the nights are a lot colder now and so it is far more comfortable to be indoors.
A phrase we use to use a lot with my mother in law was 'Don't worry, it is all arranged.' rather than trying to give details of the day and time when things were to be done. It seemed to help as her confusion and agitation increased.
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Perhaps you have written it before and I read it.

Yes he went out in the dark last night, having had a massive increase of sugars. When he came in he said "It's warmer out there than it is in this house!" Where we live it is quite mild but the house isn't cold. I had just turned the heater off. Before he went out I had given him sugary tea, two digestive biscuits and a slice of his homemade bread with lemoncurd. On top of the dextrose he had taken. His blood sugar went soaring to a worrying height and I was afraid of the repercussions. However, his mood had improved considerably and he had his meal and gave himself 12 units of insulin. By the time he went to bed everything was normal but I had to stay up into the early hours to make sure, only to have him go upstairs to recharge the Libre reader and eventually, when I decided to go to bed, I found him doing whatever it is he does on his computer. Totally unconcerned with my yawning. When my painkillers have kicked in I will go and get his prescription. We are not at the stage of you and your MIL; he meticulously keeps a calendar in front of the TV that has all his appointments etc on it. His problems are keeping track of time and having any consideration for anyone else. I have my prescriptions delivered but he refuses. I'm thinking of taking that into my own hands; things can't get any worse, and if I don't have to drive to the nearest village pharmacy it's going to make my life easier.
 
Johnsgirl said:
Hi Docb, I wanted to update you but I've had unbelievable trouble getting back onto the site. It seems they stopped recognising me but have now changed my password and got into the thread.

I have been in touch with CarersFirst (Essex) and am waiting for a phone call. I had an appointment with my GP and asked if I was John's registered carer, and she said No. We then went back to the Diabetic Clinic and I was given loads of helpful literature, and was alerted to the fact that I should have been there at the first session but my partner had told the nurses that I was doing something else that day! (In Lockdown? Really?). The Freestyle Libre is great. We had a palaver changing the sensor after two weeks and I've told him he shouldn't wait until he's "going low" to do it. I found that YouTube had lots of help but convincing him took so long, when all he had to do was stick it on his arm and press down.

I understand that he is now rewarding one of his mischief-making daughters by taking her on holiday on my birthday. My GP isn't taking John's behaviour seriously and I'm hoping CarersFirst might be able to help, or perhaps the Diabetic nurses, who as well as the ambulance crew, picked up on the signs of dementia. She isn't taking my health conditions seriously either and am considering changing to a GP who is more tuned in. I may need to go for surgery at some point, so who's going to care for John then? Will he learn how to order groceries online? I hope CarersFirst ring me soon - the issue of PoA needs to be addressed before it is taken out of my hands.
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God, that all.sounds very complicated. Good luck to you and your Dad. You're good un. 🙂
 
Johnsgirl said:
Hi Docb,
I had a call from CarersFirst today and I had PoA on my list of questions but they brought it up. I will be getting another call next week to discuss an assessment and see what else can be done in general to help. I also had a call from my physio to show me the MRI picture of my spine, which showed three bones that had changed size and shape. He said this was caused by my blood cancer. Onwards...
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:'-(
 
Hi all, I'm still here, still on a rollercoaster. It seems most of my partner's rants are either when his blood sugar is low (no surprise there) and also when he is high, though he shows the reading to me as evidence that what he is saying is not caused by diabetes. Last time, he had been speaking to mischief-making daughter on the phone. He started a rant and said I wanted him dead. Next time he says that, I will ask for evidence. For now my best defense is to "button it" and "ride out the storm". That works but it is hard to do. It has also been proved that my partner's perception of high pitch needs hearing aids but as our GP is on leave, he is leaving speaking to her until New Year. It would be good to be able to communicate properly when things are somewhat calm, because his not being able to understand what I am saying only makes things worse.

My MRI shows I have four compression fractures. I spoke to GP two days ago and he says they can heal but I think they started 18 months ago, and I now have a cracked rib (probably) to add to my pain. He has prescribed something to help strengthen my old bones. Well, Christmas is not going to be the same for anyone, is it? Make the best of it in whatever way you can, friends.
 
Johnsgirl said:
Hi all, I'm still here, still on a rollercoaster. It seems most of my partner's rants are either when his blood sugar is low (no surprise there) and also when he is high, though he shows the reading to me as evidence that what he is saying is not caused by diabetes. Last time, he had been speaking to mischief-making daughter on the phone. He started a rant and said I wanted him dead. Next time he says that, I will ask for evidence. For now my best defense is to "button it" and "ride out the storm". That works but it is hard to do. It has also been proved that my partner's perception of high pitch needs hearing aids but as our GP is on leave, he is leaving speaking to her until New Year. It would be good to be able to communicate properly when things are somewhat calm, because his not being able to understand what I am saying only makes things worse.

My MRI shows I have four compression fractures. I spoke to GP two days ago and he says they can heal but I think they started 18 months ago, and I now have a cracked rib (probably) to add to my pain. He has prescribed something to help strengthen my old bones. Well, Christmas is not going to be the same for anyone, is it? Make the best of it in whatever way you can, friends.
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Do you need external agency support?
 
I guess what the carer's first is about isnt it. Heres to next week or is this week now.
 
Yes, I do, but it's not the end of the world if the house gets dirty, is it? I'm supposed to have contacted a company who can supply me with some help but I think it's going to be hard because of us living in the sticks. Also, expensive and I'm not sure if I can get any financial help. I have a short list of companies to phone but it's the wrong time of year, and someone is ringing me on Wednesday to see how I've been getting on. To be honest, I haven't had much time to myself in the last week or so. Thanks for asking.
 
Johnsgirl said:
Yes, I do, but it's not the end of the world if the house gets dirty, is it? I'm supposed to have contacted a company who can supply me with some help but I think it's going to be hard because of us living in the sticks. Also, expensive and I'm not sure if I can get any financial help. I have a short list of companies to phone but it's the wrong time of year, and someone is ringing me on Wednesday to see how I've been getting on. To be honest, I haven't had much time to myself in the last week or so. Thanks for asking.
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Well a little bit of dirt helps keep the immune system primed i tell myself ':-o. I hope you find some sort of solution anyway even if deciding what has to slide.
 
Yes - it's a case of can I do anything today? If so, what, and what do I need to do before I can do it? I've just had a shower, so the floor will have to wait a while. I think I can clean the hob. Thank you for your understanding, daducky. Hope you have as good a Christmas as possible. Tomorrow's the solstice. YAY!
 
Be kind to yourself @Johnsgirl

Hope you can get some carer’s support in place in the New Year.

Hope you have a peaceful and happy Christmas
 
Johnsgirl said:
Yes - it's a case of can I do anything today? If so, what, and what do I need to do before I can do it? I've just had a shower, so the floor will have to wait a while. I think I can clean the hob. Thank you for your understanding, daducky. Hope you have as good a Christmas as possible. Tomorrow's the solstice. YAY!
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No sweat, JG. Christmas was quiet for me shhhhh..... ButI hope your Christmas was OK..
Did you get a dance in around the patio in morris gear for the solstice? I seen morris men in a few in the countryside pubs now and then and also surprisingly but nicely in Borough market in London. They attracted quite a crowd. Hey! But I haven't seen any for a while.
 
Wish I was able to dance! Wish I had clean decking to dance on! I haven't been anywhere for a year and wasn't aware the morris men were dancing at this season. But I do feel that the solstice is something that people from all or no faiths can celebrate because it is a tangible sign of better things to come. Better things for me, being learning how to deal with the unpleasant things that come my way. I am becoming Teflon. Happy New Year to you!
 
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