My waking thought

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spell

spell

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Type 1 diabetes, today to me,is slow involuntary suicide ,so no harm in taking the next month or two off from it completely.
Ignore it and forget about it , maybe this is what I need to make me feel better mentally.
You can't control the tide, and that is what this disease is
 
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You won’t be able to take a month off from it @spell. DKA would come much quicker than that. That’s not a good thing. Why would you give in to the diabetes? Why not try to keep it in its place a bit? You don’t have to get perfect control (not that anybody can), just improve things a little.

Think of it like housekeeping. Why do any housework when someone has spilt crumbs on the coffee table, right? Your house will never be perfect, so why not leave everything and let the piles of rubbish and filth pile up because someone spilt a few crumbs on the table? Same logic. Yes, your house won’t stay pristine every minute of every day, but that doesn’t mean you have to go to the extreme of living in a hovel and fighting your way through piles of cr*p to get to the front door.

The middle way is best. Do your daily and weekly chores to keep your house ok (not perfect) and do enough to keep your diabetes in its cage.
 
spell said:
Diabetes to me is not like housekeeping.
Maybe I need couple or more DKA episodes to help
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But the thought process is similar - to take something that’s true (someone has made a mess in your clean kitchen/diabetes is a pain in the bum) and extrapolate from that that there’s no point in making any effort at all to clean and tidy your house/control your diabetes. The thinking behind both those things is a bit ‘off’ if the conclusion you reach is so extreme.

Many years ago I listened to a song whose lyrics were something like ‘Life is a terminal condition’. Yes, of course that’s true, but life is a lot more than that. I know you’ve had things hard recently, but if you can’t find any joy in life, then that’s sad - and I mean that genuinely in that I sympathise with you. Only you can drag yourself out of that pit where that’s your thinking, but there are plenty of people on the edge of the pit urging you on and upwards and reaching out a hand.

Fight on.
 
Sorry to hear you are feeling so down again @spell

Do reach out to The Samaritans and talk things through with them - sometimes it helps just to vocalise these things and get them out in the open. Call them free on 116 123. Or call NHS 111 and ask about mental health crisis support.

You deserve to be happy. You are valued by people close to you. You can find a way to keep diabetes ‘in it’s box’ as @Inka says - and free you up to live your life.

DKA is really not what you need right now. You don’t have to punish yourself. You are worth more than that.
 
If you need some encouragement, or advice on where to start with getting on top of things, look back at your previous threads. Everyone is always giving advice and wanting to help you, but you do have to take they steps to help yourself. Call the Samaritans or 111 if you need immediate help with suicidal thoughts, but the phrase ‘involuntary’ suicide, and the fact that you keep posting on a diabetes forum sounds like you are willing to learn more about living with it.
 
No I'm not willing to live with it, posting here is a chance to tell people just how it messes things up for me.
Not everyone can cope,I can't,in fact even want to,let it do what diabetes is naturally there for, kill you
 
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spell said:
to,let it do what diabetes is naturally there for
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Maybe once. But not any longer. Not now you have the tools, the support and the will to beat it.

You can do this. You are stronger and more able to keep your diabetes in its place than you are telling yourself.

Keep going.

I lost my wife to pancreatic cancer, and I can tell you that the premature death of someone close to you is not something to casually consider inflicting on someone else.

This is not your time. Fight it. Push back against it. Those you love deserve it. Your wife and kids need you.
 
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everydayupsanddowns said:
Maybe once. But not any longer. Not now you have the tools, the support and the will to beat it.

You can do this. You are stronger and more able to keep your diabetes in its place than you are telling yourself.

Keep going.

I lost my wife to pancreatic cancer, and I can tell you that the premature death of someone close to you is not something to casually consider inflicting on someone else.

This is not your time. Fight it. Push back against it. Those you love deserve it. Your wife and kids need you.
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The will is no longer there, this is my point
 
spell said:
The will is no longer there, this is my point
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I understand how hard it can be. But you don’t have to decide that. you can choose differently.

Even if there is only a glimmer. A tiny fragment. Work with that.

I once saw a talk by a woman who had been in a riding accident in her 20s, with a promising sporting career ahead of her. Then all but paralysed from the shoulders down. Massive difficulties, and a huge mental health burden. She said she was tempted to give up so many times. But in the end raised a family, had a career, even ‘ran’ the London marathon in a bionic suit. One phrase of hers that stuck with me was “Whether you think you can, or think you can’t… you are right”

What would you be doing if the will was still there?

Do that.

Only the smallest fragment of will remaining?

Do a fragment of what needs to be done. Whatever you can.

Yes it’s hard. Yes it is exhausting. Yes it is frustrating. Yes it is thankless.

But it is not too hard for you. And you can choose to do it all the same.

Will is only short for willingness.
 
spell said:
The will is no longer there, this is my point
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Then that is more of a general thing and not just related to the diabetes. There are any number of b*****d illnesses out there, but people try to fight against them. Is it that you can’t fight any more or you don’t want to? If there was a cure for Type 1 this week, how would you feel? The same? Or, like a huge burden had been lifted off you? I’d feel the latter.

There won’t be a cure next week sadly, but there might be one soon. Don’t give up when there’s light on the horizon.
 
Amity Island said:
Spell, your predicament is twofold.

1. Diabetes/illness.
2. Your thoughts.

On this forum most of us have both.

We can't stop 1 but, we can stop or at least improve 2.
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Can you expand on that,I am pretty thick/ autistic and need things explain in detail
 
So think of diabetes as lovely flowers or fluffy clouds?
I don't think so.
It makes me feel how I feel, by its very nature and it's association with a severe traumatic event in childhood, think of diabetes and think of the event,it's how it goes
 
spell said:
Type 1 diabetes, today to me,is slow involuntary suicide ,so no harm in taking the next month or two off from it completely.
Ignore it and forget about it , maybe this is what I need to make me feel better mentally.
You can't control the tide, and that is what this disease is
Click to expand...
The thing is to coin a phrase "none of us are getting out alive" regardless of whether you have diabetes, something will eventually kill us all. It could be anything that takes our final breath. In the same way asthmatics shouldnt take a break from using their inhalers, or epileptics not having their anti seizure medication, its important to look after yourself as best and for as long as you can.

Take each day as it comes, be kind to yourself and try and find enjoyment in other things, like in my case I purchased a painting by numbers this weekend, just to have something enjoyable to do just for me. I also play bridge (addicted to it since my 30s) and I am also enjoying the healthy meals and cooking them.

I hope you feel better xx
 
spell said:
So think of diabetes as lovely flowers or fluffy clouds?
I don't think so.
It makes me feel how I feel, by its very nature and it's association with a severe traumatic event in childhood, think of diabetes and think of the event,it's how it goes
Click to expand...
Not flowery or fluffy at all… but to cope we can flower things up a bit . Tell yourself for long enough that it not that bad, then it starts to not feel that bad. I think you deep down would like to feel better, probably had some knock backs or dead ends that have made you feel like there is no point. There is always a point! I know you can’t flick a switch and turn the light back on in your life but maybe make a list of everything that really gets to you and start tackling them one by one. Whether that be, health wise, emotional and personal life, work Everything ! Do you get any enjoyment out of anything ? What are you looking forward to? There has to be something positive … if you can’t think of one, well I have one… your support group here… although you might think we all live in a la la land of denial, we do care and we will help in any way we can
 
No joy in anything anymore, hobbies all buggered up by this disease, nothing to look forward to, unless having quad heart bypass counts bad kidneys now, whoopee.freinds not interested, probably had enough of a miserable person like me
 
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spell said:
No joy in anything anymore, hobbies all buggered up by this disease, nothing to look forward to, unless having quad heart bypass counts bad kidneys now, whoopee.freinds not interested, probably had enough of a miserable fucker like me
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I don't think anything of anyone la la land or not
 
spell said:
No joy in anything anymore, hobbies all buggered up by this disease, nothing to look forward to, unless having quad heart bypass counts bad kidneys now, whoopee.freinds not interested, probably had enough of a miserable fucker like me
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Are your friends really not interested or are you pushing them away in an attempt to protect yourself by putting your ‘prickles’ out? I’m sure you do have some friends in real life, and you have people here who care about you because you’re one of us.

I don’t know what your previous hobbies were that diabetes messed up, but could you find new things? Are there tiny things that you can look forward to you? Could be anything - a new film, a TV programme, a family visit, better weather, etc etc. Are you able to get outside for a walk? Even if you do something and get a minuscule amount of enjoyment from it, that’s positive. To a large extent, people make their own happiness. It comes from inside not from outside events.
 
spell said:
So think of diabetes as lovely flowers or fluffy clouds?
I don't think so.
It makes me feel how I feel, by its very nature and it's association with a severe traumatic event in childhood, think of diabetes and think of the event,it's how it goes
Click to expand...

No, you can still hate it and think of it as dog poo if you want, but you can do that and still try to control it. I’ve written similar to you before: controlling diabetes doesn’t mean you like or accept it.

I’m very sorry to hear about your traumatic event. I hope this was addressed in counselling. Do you think that’s the root of your problem? I really hope you’ve had support to work through your feelings.
 
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