In which i moan about diabetes big time...

[SilentAssassin1642]

I wrote this on my livejournal...

Right now I just burst into tears on Matt's shoulders after we had a bit of a squabble over me missing out some form of materia on final fantasy 7. I think it's Enemy Skill that I now can't get until the end of disk 1, which is annoying. And we squabbled. And all of a sudden all the negative feelings I've had for the past however many days about my diabetes came flooding out.

I cried on his shoulder. I burst into tears on his shoulder and I kept of saying I HATE THIS CONDITION I HATE IT I HATE IT I DONT WANT TO BE DIABETIC ANYMORE PLEASE TAKE IT AWAY

I know he can't take it away from me. But it doesn't stop me from hating it. I just want my pancreas to work, just for a few hours so I can be like everyone else, so i can be like every normal person out there. I'd love to be able to have a snack and not have to inject. But no, if I want a snack then I have to drop everything and work out how much insulin i need to cover it. And i hate it. People look at me whenever I need to do my injection like i'm some sort of heroine user. And you know what, it makes me feel so dirty.

At work, I feel like the special one when everyone keeps coming to check up on me. I just want to be left alone sometimes. I hate the way work screws with my levels too, making them go up and down like a yo-yo. I feel like utter rubbish since starting the overnights, my average BG has gone through the roof and I'm scared that my HBA1C will shoot up to something it shouldn't be.

I'm trying so so hard to make this work, to get my levels down to a reasonable level. But it's just not working and I'm getting so frustrated with it. Nothing I do with it is right, and I hate it.

I look at myself in the mirror now and I see myself as fat. Matt tells me I'm not but in my head I can see that I've been putting weight on. My nurse tells me I'm the perfect weight with a good BMI, but I don't think I am. I feel like a fat whale. Before I was diabetic, I never felt like this. And ok, so I was 8 years old at the time, but I wasn't fat. Now, I feel fat. I feel like I'm putting on loads of weight because of the diabetes, because of me going hypo and having to eat all the time. In short I feel like a whale.

I hate the fact that I have background retinopathy. I hate the fact that because I have had this awful disease for nigh on 14 years I am getting the onset of complications that even when I try to do things right, I have no control over. My HBA1Cs have been pretty constant with just that one blip when I went through that rebellion (ok...it was a few years...where i would refuse to go...), but my levels were still never that bad. I hate the fact that even if I'm the worlds perfect diabetic, these complications might come anyway. I don't want to go blind. I try and tell my specialists these worries but they just don't give a hoot.

I hate how going hypo makes me feel like my whole body is shutting down. I hate how going hyper makes me want to drink my body weight in water and then throw the lot back up. I hate how I have to be so, so careful when I'm ill and be so so careful of ketones.

I hate that I can't just be normal.

I hate that this stupid thing can't just go away.

I wish Matt could take it away from me, just for a day, so I could know what it's like to be normal.

But right now I just can't stop crying, and Matt just doesn't seem to know how to deal with it...I don't know what to tell him. I just don't know what to do about it anymore. Do I just get on with it and let him wander around like a confused person, or do I try and tell him how I'm feeling through my sobs? Problem with the second issue being that he's not really very good at that and gets frustrated with me when I can't tell him exactly how I'm feeling.

I want to stop crying. I want to stop crying and I want to be like a normal girl in her earlu 20's. Someone do this for me please?

 

[Northerner]

Sam, you've been through so many upheavals lately, what with the move(s), the bad treatment at your last job, the late shifts, the missing out on the Toys R Us interview - I'm not surprised you're feeling so emotional. I don't really know what to say as I can't know what it's like to have had this since you were a small child. I got upset about the background retinopathy that I have, but remember that is not inevitable that it will get any worse. I've had great levles and only been diagnosed a year, so couldn't understand why I have it.

Try to get some sleep tonight and let Matt take care of you. Believe him when he says you're not fat - and if you don't believe him, believe me!🙂

All this stress will subside, I'm sure, once you can get settled into a routine, and hopefully in a better job than the ones you've had recently. Take care.

 

[rossi_mac]

Hey Sam,

Sorry you're feeling so low, a good blubber can help release so I'm glad you've burst the banks so to speak.

Only you know how much to tell Matt, if I were him I would want to know more, okay he cannot cure you in one way but he may be able to help out in a small way some of the times, but you have to balance that with how much you want to keep to yourself.

I hear the fact you feel like a whale, I haven't met you but saw the pic of you with Tez and Alan, listen in girl, you are not fat at all, but me saying that means nothing if you feel fat then I can't stop that, but try and find a way of at least reducing the strength of that feeling.

I'm a new kid on the block to this disease/condition and cannot imagine just yet how you must be feeling, but I can tell you that there is no such thing as a normal girl (or boy!) in her early twentys (or any age) life throws a lot at us all, we just have to try and take what is thrown at us. Try and take peace in what you have going for you, please try. Some groups of people do not dwell on their situation and what will be happening in a month or year ahead, but to concentrate on one day at a time, if it's a bad time look for help from others( enter Matt stage left?) even if it's just an ear to bend! Or help out testing your levels, getting your prescription, going to the chemist, checking the carbs in your next meal...

Regarding your Hba1c, you know a lot about what could happen, try and get some good control, talk to your health team and realise that sometimes we get told to much which makes us worry not unwarrented but perhaps too early? As I've said before at least you know as problems are arriving and you can try and do something about it.

Finally, get back on Final Fantasy 7 and kick some ass!

Take care Sam, and feel free to have a rant whenever you want.

Rossi.

Hope I haven't rambled too much!??!

 

[SilentAssassin1642]

thanks guys. I just had cuddles on the sofa and a good cry and now have tea. Which is the cure for everything.

You know, I have no idea whats brought it all on. I think you're right northener, everythings happened at the wrong time and bang! opens the flood gates as it were.

i guess sometimes this feeling hits all of us. It just seems to be happening a lot at the moment

Matt just listened bless him, and then he told me that he'd give anything to take it away, even if just for a little while. But we all know that he can't and i just have to deal with these onslaughts of mega emotion as and when they come.

as for feeling fat? Hey...im allowed, i'm female having a bad time 😛

And as for being normal. Well, normal in the sense that they dont have to inject and stuff. I'd like that. But hey, not gunna happen. Have to just deal and move on i suppose. And stop being such an emotional person because i bug myself when that happens

 

[rossi_mac]

Glad you're feeling better now Sam, hmmm I fancy a brew too.

Catch you later.

 

[hellbell84]

thanks you so much for writing that post!!!!

im glad im not the only one that feels whenever you are trying to be a good diabetic you feel like a whale as i feel the exact same!! no offence to everyone on here but you all seem in control of your diabetes so i feel like an idiot as i have been diabetic for 8 years now and i still am not contolled

i feel like a failure, noone seems to understnad and i get so annoyed that they dont understand, i give up trying to explain. ive been through even not taking insulin in an attempt to be normal (DONT DO IT, I FELT LIKE RUBBISH, its not worth it)

a cuddle does wonders, and have you thought about a diabetic counsellor? i am seeing one on the 25th thanks to my DSN Jane Young, she's a diamond and referred me

so shall keep you posted

xx

 

[Mand]

Thank you for this post and for sharing your thoughts. I will admit that your post made me cry but it also gave me an in sight into how it can feel to have diabetes.

I do not have it. My son does. Who knows how he will feel as the years go on, but after reading your post, maybe i will understand better if he ever was to feel low.

Hope you are feeling better now and a little stronger. A cuddle and a cup of tea sounds lovely. 🙂

 

[Mand]

Hi Hellbell

I hope that seeing a councellor helps you. Good luck with your appointment. Perhaps you could let us know how it goes?

Take care. 🙂

 

[SilentAssassin1642]

Thank you for this post and for sharing your thoughts. I will admit that your post made me cry but it also gave me an in sight into how it can feel to have diabetes.

I do not have it. My son does. Who knows how he will feel as the years go on, but after reading your post, maybe i will understand better if he ever was to feel low.

Hope you are feeling better now and a little stronger. A cuddle and a cup of tea sounds lovely. 🙂

oooh i didn't mean to make you cry

I'm feeling much better this morning thank you. Cuddles always work wonders, but I guess every so often I will feel like this. Just have to kick it into shape 🙂

 

[SilentAssassin1642]

thanks you so much for writing that post!!!!

im glad im not the only one that feels whenever you are trying to be a good diabetic you feel like a whale as i feel the exact same!! no offence to everyone on here but you all seem in control of your diabetes so i feel like an idiot as i have been diabetic for 8 years now and i still am not contolled

i feel like a failure, noone seems to understnad and i get so annoyed that they dont understand, i give up trying to explain. ive been through even not taking insulin in an attempt to be normal (DONT DO IT, I FELT LIKE RUBBISH, its not worth it)

a cuddle does wonders, and have you thought about a diabetic counsellor? i am seeing one on the 25th thanks to my DSN Jane Young, she's a diamond and referred me

so shall keep you posted

xx

Sometimes I too feel like I'm not very well controlled. And when i work so hard at sorting it and nothing seems to happen. GAH! And I'm going to admit, though I have never done it, I have thought about not taking my insulin, just to be like everyone else.

As for a counsillor, I've never seen one but I'm thinking of asking about that next week when i go to the diabetic nurse at my GP...well...thats if the GP has been clever enough to sort out getting me on the system yet

keep us posted hun

 

[Northerner]

oooh i didn't mean to make you cry

I'm feeling much better this morning thank you. Cuddles always work wonders, but I guess every so often I will feel like this. Just have to kick it into shape 🙂

Hi Sam, glad to hear that you are feeling a lot better! It was a good rant, and I'm sure you put into words how many of us feel at times.

 

[hyper-Suze]

Hi salmon puff and hell bell! Wow, an emotional blog! But one that rings true to me! I am 28 and had 'it' since 19. Its goreinel when your trying to become your own person and happy with yourself which is hard as a teen and early 20yr! Then this is dumped upon us! Well he's my run ins with the issues. For the past 9 yrs I HAVE controlled my weight by NOT taking any insulin and usually every 6 months ended up in hospital with DKA. The hospital staff soon lost sympathy with my. Got admitted with sugars of over 50. Hours from death, I was hallucinating that I was in labour! The pain was soooo intense! My DSN was proper rubbish and my GP equally as useless! It has only been since my eyesight has changed that I sought help and support, the DSN is a new lady and amazing! She has sorted out a diabetic counsellor and she is supportive and a great insight that we all feel this way and no one is normal. It was the counsellor who suggested this website which has been my mechanism to escape into the world of diabetics to help me feel normal with other diabetics and by reading your original blog, puts my crazy way of thinking i'm the only one with it, into perspective! There are soooo many people on here who are really kind, willing to offer advice and supportive and thank god I've found this site!! I hope you feel better, it sounds like you have your head on your shoulders and a great support at home. My mum often says she'd take off my illness in a microsecond if she could, I think that's her guilt-she feels to blame bless her!! Seriously think about the counselling thing, they don't delve into childhood or family stuff as its not relevant to the curent and illness! She is fab and I recommend it to anyone who reads this and is struggling with weight issues, acceptance, feeling alone! Good luck and sorry for such a long message!!x

 

[rossi_mac]

Hi Suze,

Glad you have found this site, I think we all agree with you that this place is a god send!! Glad you've gone to a counsellor to try and sort out some issues, and it's nice to hear from someone who has gone that route. Hope you get on the good path soon.

Take care

Rossi🙂

PS You should see the lengths of some threads!!

 

[hyper-Suze]

Lol! Yes I saw(and commented on!) your thread you started about jelly babies! Crazy! Well I post thru my blackberry so it seems what I write is longer than it most probably looks like on a laptop screen!! I may have to log onto laptop as I can't seem to attach a pic to my profile! Oh well, diabetes and modern technology to deal with, life is cruel! Thanks for the comment, it is a great site and I feel like I know so many of you guys already! And I never met anyone! Will aim for the good path everyday from now on!!

 

[Sugarbum]

Hey Sam, sorry it has taken me a while to respond.

I am glad to read your later postings and see you are feeling a bit brighter...

I am sorry sam to read this that your diabetes upsets you like this - I have felt like this sometimes and I know how much it can hurt. You are an absolute sweetheart, and it isnt fair I know, not when you want to get on with life.

A while back I had quite a few episodes of feeling crap things about my diabetes just like what you have written. Its scary when I read it becuase its something I could have written word for word. My DSN got me into a group support, it was an experience (there were a couple of nutters in there and it really made me seem more normal than I thought! 😉) but essentially I got back on the radar and got some help and of course its only natural to feel the hurt that comes with this disease but on the whole it isnt very often at all.

Like you, I also had to work shifts. I had to readdress this as it didnt work for me, I couldnt get a decent level and it was more of a lottery. I know its hard, and again more pressure.

I dont want to make myself a blimmin 'pumpin' cliche or advert, but is it something you would or have considered? I know it isnt for everyone (I feel like I am trying to recruit you to a new religion!) but if its something you might be thinking of then feel free to ask any questions and of course, there is the thread.

Im sorry you feeling down. But I am glad you have a nice fella there to support you. Dont worry if he doesnt have much to say, he probably doesnt know how (even the best fellas do this!), the important thing is he is there.

Take care hon xx
Lou x

 

[SilentAssassin1642]

Hey Sam, sorry it has taken me a while to respond.

I am glad to read your later postings and see you are feeling a bit brighter...

I am sorry sam to read this that your diabetes upsets you like this - I have felt like this sometimes and I know how much it can hurt. You are an absolute sweetheart, and it isnt fair I know, not when you want to get on with life.

A while back I had quite a few episodes of feeling crap things about my diabetes just like what you have written. Its scary when I read it becuase its something I could have written word for word. My DSN got me into a group support, it was an experience (there were a couple of nutters in there and it really made me seem more normal than I thought! 😉) but essentially I got back on the radar and got some help and of course its only natural to feel the hurt that comes with this disease but on the whole it isnt very often at all.

Like you, I also had to work shifts. I had to readdress this as it didnt work for me, I couldnt get a decent level and it was more of a lottery. I know its hard, and again more pressure.

I dont want to make myself a blimmin 'pumpin' cliche or advert, but is it something you would or have considered? I know it isnt for everyone (I feel like I am trying to recruit you to a new religion!) but if its something you might be thinking of then feel free to ask any questions and of course, there is the thread.

Im sorry you feeling down. But I am glad you have a nice fella there to support you. Dont worry if he doesnt have much to say, he probably doesnt know how (even the best fellas do this!), the important thing is he is there.

Take care hon xx
Lou x

Thanks hun 🙂 your words mean so much.

Funnily enough just recently I have been thinking about a pump. But i hear there are guidelines, and i'm not sure i meet them. I'm also a bit wary of having this thing stuck in me all the time. Talking about it with Matt as well, he's worried it would fall out or, as i have been known to do with my retainers, I'd take it out during my sleep.

It's definitely something to think about i guess.

You're right, I'm just glad he's there. He's such a fabulous bloke, and is always there even if he doesn't know what to say. Even coming with me when i get blood tests done even though the sight of a massive needle sends him all wobbly! Bless his heart!

 

[RachelT]

Rant away all you like

Sorry to hear you're feeling down, it happens I got depressed on Sainsbury's today coz it's my birthday tommorow and i have to buy cake for everybody at work. It's been almost a year since i was diagnosed and Did any of them consider buying something that wasn't excessively sugary on thier birthdays? No. And now i'm buying cake for all of them...
You're right, it ain't fair. You're doing a really great job though, i know that all that digging is hard work (i was on a dig for a week when i was 15, it nearly killed me! and i found nothing...), keep smiling, coz you're proof that being diabetic shouldn't stop you from doing anything.
Now, go kick Sephiroth's butt!
BTW, you can pick up a max of four enemy skill materia, and three of them are availible on disc 1 (maybe all four...), you can back track all you like to pick up the skills. You may know this, it's been a long time since i played FF7, but i admire your taste in gaming.
As a certain Midgar florist would say "Be Strong!"

Rachel

 

[SilentAssassin1642]

Sorry to hear you're feeling down, it happens I got depressed on Sainsbury's today coz it's my birthday tommorow and i have to buy cake for everybody at work. It's been almost a year since i was diagnosed and Did any of them consider buying something that wasn't excessively sugary on thier birthdays? No. And now i'm buying cake for all of them...
You're right, it ain't fair. You're doing a really great job though, i know that all that digging is hard work (i was on a dig for a week when i was 15, it nearly killed me! and i found nothing...), keep smiling, coz you're proof that being diabetic shouldn't stop you from doing anything.
Now, go kick Sephiroth's butt!
BTW, you can pick up a max of four enemy skill materia, and three of them are availible on disc 1 (maybe all four...), you can back track all you like to pick up the skills. You may know this, it's been a long time since i played FF7, but i admire your taste in gaming.
As a certain Midgar florist would say "Be Strong!"

Rachel

Thanks hun - Ive only just seen this!!! And yep, this nasty horrible condition shouldn't stop anyone from doing anything and its certainly not getting in the way of my dreams!!!

Ah thanks for that. I missed out one in the Shinra building and one somewhere else as well I think. Apparently the next one is in the temple of ancients at the end of disk 1. I know I can go back and get at least one of them (not the shinra one though BOO!). I'm proper getting into it, just picked up the Odin materia and Vincent as well, and randomly stumbled on Yuffie too!!

 

[Copepod]

RachelT - it's not fair that you couldn't eat what your colleagues brought in for their birthdays, but you can allow yourself a bit of cake once in a while - and your own birthday seems a good time to eat a small piece of a ake you chose!
Perhaps fortunately, my colleagues seem to like fruit (as well as chocolate, biscuits & cake), so we all bring in pears, apples etc from trees in our gardens or public areas where we can pick them.

 

[SilentAssassin1642]

RachelT - it's not fair that you couldn't eat what your colleagues brought in for their birthdays, but you can allow yourself a bit of cake once in a while - and your own birthday seems a good time to eat a small piece of a ake you chose!
Perhaps fortunately, my colleagues seem to like fruit (as well as chocolate, biscuits & cake), so we all bring in pears, apples etc from trees in our gardens or public areas where we can pick them.

agrred! Everyone is allowed to sin once in a while. I had a chocolate muffin last night



naughty but very very nice