I'm giving up.

[James130185]

As the title suggests.

I'm giving up, my life has always been in my opinion below average at best, I feel as if everyday is just surviving rather than living, and when i was diagnosed as a T1 diabetic last year it just further pushed me down to the point where if i am honest i don't really care for life anymore, I have next to no friends so this is my only method of anyone listening to me.

I have an average job, pays ok but only because of the amount of hours i do a week, I live in an old council house that i would like to be able to make better but money simply doesn't allow, and hasn't done for years, I see people everywhere seemingly getting on in life and doing well yet mine stays the same and i have zero interest in anything i use to like or anything else, I have terrible anxiety so mixing with people is extremely hard for me and feel talking to anyone even if it's family that doesn't have anything in common with me is also pointless.

I'm a mid 30s male and have resigned to the fact that this is my life now, it's turned out in a different way from everything i expected it to be, they all say there is light at the end of the tunnel but frankly it's been this way for around 5 or 6 years so don't see any way out.

Have i thought of ending it all? If be lying if i said no as i have, only difference been i am too much of a coward to go through with it, i hate everything about myself, the only thing to keeps me here is my young daughters who i know adore me but even that's not enough, is that wrong of me to feel like that?

Realistically i am probably the best part of 35-40% through my life already and what's supposed to be the best years too, but if you feel you've nothing else to live for then why bother carrying on? I already take medication for anxiety and depression, the whole T1 thing as taken over my life, fed up of not been able to eat without thinking of insulin injections to keep everything normal.

Could life be worse? Definitely, but we have a tendency to only look at our own lives and how good or bad they are before anything else.

Sorry this has gone on, but i have had enough, Sat here typing this on a miserable wet day that resembles how i am, with nobody else that really cares.

 

[Pumper_Sue]

Hello James,
Even though you have heard it all before things do get better.
Everyone diagnosed with diabetes goes through the why me stage before acceptance so yep you are normal and not alone.
You need to help yourself though by asking for help in dealing with things, there's nothing to be ashamed of by admitting you are having problems.
Do ask either your GP or hospital team for help in dealing with your emotions, you wont be judged by anyone as they have seen it all before.
You can lead a normal life with diabetes as long as you take a few minutes out of your day to test and inject your insulin.

As I understand from reading other posts, being diagnosed later in life rather than as a young child is a lot harder to accept to start with but admitting you have a problem is half way there.

May sound a daft idea but have you ever thought about evening cases to learn DIY skills so you can start your home improvements? When I purchased my home last year there were very little funds to do any renovations so I took the advice of a good friend who said don't think big and just do one room at a time.
Very good advice imho.🙂

 

[James130185]

Hello James,
Even though you have heard it all before things do get better.
Everyone diagnosed with diabetes goes through the why me stage before acceptance so yep you are normal and not alone.
You need to help yourself though by asking for help in dealing with things, there's nothing to be ashamed of by admitting you are having problems.
Do ask either your GP or hospital team for help in dealing with your emotions, you wont be judged by anyone as they have seen it all before.
You can lead a normal life with diabetes as long as you take a few minutes out of your day to test and inject your insulin.

As I understand from reading other posts, being diagnosed later in life rather than as a young child is a lot harder to accept to start with but admitting you have a problem is half way there.

May sound a daft idea but have you ever thought about evening cases to learn DIY skills so you can start your home improvements? When I purchased my home last year there were very little funds to do any renovations so I took the advice of a good friend who said don't think big and just do one room at a time.
Very good advice imho.🙂

Thank you for replying Sue, unfortunately my job consists of all hours and they vary so i can't really commit to anything, plus my anxiety would stop all that even if i could go.

I have seen doctors in the past and was referred to CBT therapy however i found it completely useless, I was put on tablet's that took away all emotion of anything and i didn't like them so went off of those, but like i said this has been something that's been there for a long time well before been diagnosed with T1, I just don't enjoy life, I see nothing to look forward to, my mind tells me i have failed in life, so what's the point?

I also compare myself to everyone, funnily enough i was sat earlier and the news came on about the couple who have just won £105 million on the lottery, and i suspect most would have a little envy, but i saw that and it was like someone gave a hammer blow to me and made me reflect that I've got nothing, as i said my life has turned out very different from what i thought it would do, and i can't accept it.

 

[Amity Island]

As the title suggests.

I'm giving up, my life has always been in my opinion below average at best, I feel as if everyday is just surviving rather than living, and when i was diagnosed as a T1 diabetic last year it just further pushed me down to the point where if i am honest i don't really care for life anymore, I have next to no friends so this is my only method of anyone listening to me.

I have an average job, pays ok but only because of the amount of hours i do a week, I live in an old council house that i would like to be able to make better but money simply doesn't allow, and hasn't done for years, I see people everywhere seemingly getting on in life and doing well yet mine stays the same and i have zero interest in anything i use to like or anything else, I have terrible anxiety so mixing with people is extremely hard for me and feel talking to anyone even if it's family that doesn't have anything in common with me is also pointless.

I'm a mid 30s male and have resigned to the fact that this is my life now, it's turned out in a different way from everything i expected it to be, they all say there is light at the end of the tunnel but frankly it's been this way for around 5 or 6 years so don't see any way out.

Have i thought of ending it all? If be lying if i said no as i have, only difference been i am too much of a coward to go through with it, i hate everything about myself, the only thing to keeps me here is my young daughters who i know adore me but even that's not enough, is that wrong of me to feel like that?

Realistically i am probably the best part of 35-40% through my life already and what's supposed to be the best years too, but if you feel you've nothing else to live for then why bother carrying on? I already take medication for anxiety and depression, the whole T1 thing as taken over my life, fed up of not been able to eat without thinking of insulin injections to keep everything normal.

Could life be worse? Definitely, but we have a tendency to only look at our own lives and how good or bad they are before anything else.

Sorry this has gone on, but i have had enough, Sat here typing this on a miserable wet day that resembles how i am, with nobody else that really cares.

Hi James,

You are more than just your thoughts and...….

A temporary thought can become a mood if you don't let it go. A mood which can last minutes or days can then become a temperament, a temperament can become a personality trait. The challenge is to see how long you can go without a negative thought. Each time increasing the time between negative thoughts. When you start getting to the point where there are many days between negative thoughts, you stand a chance of putting them behind you for good and moving on.

 

[Jodee]

Hi James, so sorry you are feeling like this, those thoughts if you believe them will destroy your life, but if you can counteract a negative with a positive you are half way there to feeling better and if you double up of the more happy positive thoughts / memories, like your little girl, sunny summers by the beach etc you will start to change the pattern of those thoughts that make you feel like c**p. Try each day to make a list of memories and thoughts that made you smile of feel better, don't include anything negative, and hopefully overtime you can build on that and just go back and read it now and then.

Low moods can certainly impact on quality of life and in certain period of life we go through we have to make extra effort to change the focus. ~The things I do for healing, changing focus and feeling better is You tube, art / craft stuff, there are many videos you can select from daily, entertainment, healing meditations, check out the mindful movement on you tube, also Erckhart Tolle, Abraham Hicks, Mooji, check out Oprah's Super Soul Sunday speakers. You may not be into your spiritual nature, or you may be. Even if you are not, there are comedies, relaxing music 10 minute meditations on health you can play before you go to bed at night or before getting up in the morning. There is lots of help out there but the desire to feel better ultimate has to come from you before you can see and experience certain things can and do enhance life.

Remember above the clouds the sun always shines.....

By the way, people do care about you so that thought you had about them not caring is definitely untrue. You don't have to believe a word of that internal dialogue (unless you want to especially if it makes you feel good 🙂 )

Keep on with life, you will find it can improve just keep the unhelpful thoughts in check.

Best wishes on your future journeying.

 

[rebrascora]

Hi James

I too have battled stress/anxiety and depression for at least 20 years so I understand where you are at. One of the big things that keeps me going in the darkest days is that there are people who love me and I know how horrendously a suicide affects the family and friends of the one who took their life, so stay strong or even just continue to be "a coward" but battle along with it. Things will get better. Sometime I just accept that things will be bad for several days or weeks and I just tread water until it eases a bit and it always does eventually.

I had the same reaction both to CBT and medication and I gave up on them both many years ago.
I do think that this miserable weather and short days adversely affects the state of mind and a little bit of sunshine can make quite a big difference mentally and we are hopefully going to see a little at the weekend, so fingers crossed that will help us both.
None of us know what is around the corner and even though we may be stuck in a rut, we cannot know what tomorrow will bring. Look for little ways that you can make a change to help you change things. Maybe introduce a pet into your life or find a friend or relative whose dog you can "borrow" to walk whenever you are not working. Getting out into the fresh air and walking is good both for mental health and diabetes and it breaks down social barriers if you have a dog with you, as many people will stop to pet the dog. This may not be the answer for you.... you may not be an animal person and I don't know you to know what to suggest, but try to think of something small which will spark your interest and enrich your life.
What hobbies do you like or have you done in the past? There are so many fascinating videos on You Tube showing you how to get started with things. Maybe an unusual hobby like beekeeping (something I do myself) which you can read and prepare for now ready for next season. It doesn't take up much time and is totally fascinating and can be done pretty cheaply if you know where to look for info. Or perhaps Hydroponics if you like gardening. You just need something to focus on and look forward to and get a kick out of and plan for, so that you don't dwell on the here and now which is pretty miserable by the sound of it.
In the mean time, keep taking the insulin and do talk to your health care professionals about how desperate you are feeling.

Take care and keep us posted.
Oh, I would also dispute that your so called "best years" are behind you. Youth is highly overrated in my opinion! I made most of my biggest mistakes then!

 

[Drummer]

You could join your local 'Freecycle' list on Yahoo groups or look for free or very cheap things on Gumtree - see if you can find brushes and paint or a roll or two of wallpaper to make a feature of one wall or paint a door or window frame. Often there are curtains or cushions or rugs on offer also furniture if you have the means to transport it.
I know someone who buys lottery tickets using up any spare cash they have, and then they moan about having nothing, but they blow any small wins they have on silly things with no lasting benefit, or even worse, they use it to buy more tickets....

 

[Lizzzie]

Sounds like you need some help. Thats okay, everyone does sometimes. Especially when there are a lot of things that you feel can't change. What opportunities can you see about you to connect? Even if it's just little opportunities, like smiling at someone or planting a couple of bulbs in a scraggy bit of garden, or clearing rubbish from a communal space. I unblocked a stream the other day with loads of rubbish in it and somone came a long and said 'thankyou.' And I felt I'd left the world a little bit nicer if nothing else. Can you see any way, to connect, and eeensy bit? If not, dont worry, theres always tomorrow, but perhaps call a helpline and chat just to help give you confidence that there will be a tomorrow?

 

[rustee2011]

Hi,
Are there any support groups in your area. I know there is an all male support group via meetup and they are London based? They are a great bunch of guys. I am part of their network. PM if you require further information

 

[Greymouser]

Hi there James, sorry to hear you feel this way, but I can really relate to those feelings as I too have been there very often over the years, most of my life it seems, on and off. I have to say too, that the NHS is still far from adequate in how it responds to these sorts of problems, ( see even here I refuse to use the right words! The stigma is deepset, ) it is a bit of a post code lottery, as to what response you get. All too often they just want to medicate the symptoms away, without dealing with the root causes. This is something that has always annoyed me. I have a friend who has had severe problems too, he is bi polar, but only got real help when he reached crisis point, now however he is getting on going help and has greatly improved. His family have had to push for that help though. He too has the medication that suppresses all emotion, stopped them for a while, because they are awful, had another crisis and almost ended up in an extremely bad place, but he got help and restarted them, which is better than the alternative. I suspect you need to push with your GP to get that help, because it is out there, just hard to access. I really do understand about your anxiety issues, understand that it is in a big way stopping you seeking extra help in the first place, but these issues are just as valid as any other health problem and you need a helping hand. It sounds to me like you do not so much need that medication, ( as is so often the case, ) but much more one to one counselling.

I have always refused medication, indeed mostly avoided any intervention, have not reached that crisis point yet, have always managed to avoid it, but have been close several times. I have always found that it is easier to break the problems down, into smaller ones, then deal with each one by itself. I know it is easier said than done, but try to avoid focusing on the negative, see what is positive in your life, focus there instead.

For instance: You say you only have an average job? Well that is the wrong way of looking at that, to start with! You have a job at least, one that puts a roof over your head, feeds you. So many cannot even manage that. Focus on your daughters, focus on their love for you, again a big positive. I understand you probably feel isolated and can very much relate to that, but I have always found that the harder you try sometimes, the harder it can be with things like that. The advice offered above is good, try to find things you are interested in, take small steps in that direction to find other similar minded people, even if it is only to say hello to one stranger a day, smile, try to project positiveness, even if you do not feel it, because all these feelings feed on each other, the more you avoid, the harder it will become.

I obviously do not know you, cannot begin to understand about the frustration of T1, so cannot really offer more than try to send you positive thoughts, try to encourage you to seek further help beyond medication. Tell you it is all about small baby steps and hopefully you will come out the other end eventually.

Lastly: Good luck and keep this thread updated please.

 

[everydayupsanddowns]

I’m really sorry to hear how you are feeling James. Thank you for your honesty in sharing it. You have people around you who care deeply about you, and your love for your kids is clear.

Type 1 carries a significant mental health burden, and on top of your depression and anxiety will be making things very difficult for you, but you CAN find a way through this and into a brighter future. Things will not always be as dark as them are right now.

I believe in you and folks here will be right alongside you as you take each small step towards a happier, fulfilling, more content life.

 

[MrDaibetes]

Hey James, I'm sorry about how you are feeling. It's not easy and can be tough. You clearly love your kids so that is great to see.
We will be right alongside you as you make this recovery if you need anything don't be afraid to ask.

 

[Sally W]

Hi James sorry to hear you’re feeling this low & as you can see plenty of us have suffered low mood & desperation. Small simple steps can make a big difference. Perhaps consider writing down 3 things every evening you’re grateful for. I know it sounds ridiculous but it really can have such a positive effect in a relatively short space of time. Start with simple things like seeing birds in the trees or flowers, sunshine and it really can take that focus away from feeling regret at not winning the lottery like that couple to being happy to be alive and enjoy simple pleasures. I’d recommend a really good author Dr Rangan Chatterjee. The Stress Solution & 4 Pillars of Health. They’ve helped me so much because they are simple, manageable things that don’t require heavy reading or commitment. You’re definitely not alone believe me. Do report back on your progress so we know you’re doing Ok please.

 

[Drummer]

I just remembered an episode of The Simpsons where Homer is at work, in a room with an 'incentivizing' slogan built into the tiles around the wall - he covers some letters with images of Maggi, his daughter, until it spells out 'do it for her' -

 

[Dizi]

Thank you for replying Sue, unfortunately my job consists of all hours and they vary so i can't really commit to anything, plus my anxiety would stop all that even if i could go.

I have seen doctors in the past and was referred to CBT therapy however i found it completely useless, I was put on tablet's that took away all emotion of anything and i didn't like them so went off of those, but like i said this has been something that's been there for a long time well before been diagnosed with T1, I just don't enjoy life, I see nothing to look forward to, my mind tells me i have failed in life, so what's the point?

I also compare myself to everyone, funnily enough i was sat earlier and the news came on about the couple who have just won £105 million on the lottery, and i suspect most would have a little envy, but i saw that and it was like someone gave a hammer blow to me and made me reflect that I've got nothing, as i said my life has turned out very different from what i thought it would do, and i can't accept it.

Hi James I am new here and I have no idea if I am replying to you message correctly. Loved your message, the brutal honesty of how harsh life can be, the constant grind doing the same thing day after day and getting no where, as you say, just existing. It's reminds me of hamster in a wheel or perhaps a rat trapped in a maze. What is the point of a life like yours? Well first of all I totally identify with every word you have written and your message has prompted me to reply which is my case (closed off and isolated, feeling disconnected even when interacting with people) is a miracle!!!! Thank you James for inspiring me to actually reply to a message. Well what does this mean? You are not alone. You have actually helped another human being today which is ME. I am not alone someone else feels and thinks the same as I do. Now that's bloody fantastic.....!

Just found out I pre-diabetic on top of other health problems but hey even without my health issues, as you said life sucks when it's fits into the saying, "you go to work, to get the money, to buy the food, to get the energy to go work" Do you enjoy you work in the slightest? Do you sometimes forget your problems when you get involved with your work? Or do your problems hit you when you return home to a place which is supposed to be your place of safety, your haven, your home where you can let you defences down?
Whatever the answer, if any at all, your message has helped me so much.
I can't make things better for you, wish I could but I do want to say that you are a valuable asset to the world, you are wanted, needed and loved but you do not know it yet. You will get to know it though.
Thank you for such honesty.....priceless