I'm at my wits end

[Ellie Jones]

I've had enough and totally fed up

I know as a diabetic I should understand but I don't

The frequency of having to struggle to bail out Les from a hypo the more resentful I seem to be getting, since last Wednesdays night paramedic call out and his promises of changing his ways and working towards sorting his control out, I've had to intervene and struggle to get him out of an hypo and tonight it was a particularly frustrating fight and took best part of an hour to get his levels back up to 3.9mmol/l

Its no surprise he was reluctant to let me look through his meter... Well he tells me he checks at work and at meal times, yeah right and the git tried to lie and swore blind that he does test before eating at work etc which to me makes everything worse..

As yes I should understand, but with the more times I end up struggling to bail him out, the more resentful I become as I feel as I'm slowly turning from a wife and partner into a carer and nursemaid..

 

[trophywench]

Is there anyone he would talk to to explain the 'Why'. I mean someone who isn't you obviously Ellie. Sometimes it's easier to discuss with someone who isn't so close .....

 

[Pumper_Sue]

Ellie,
Just point out to him he is well and truly selfish 😡
Besides his lack of care to himself it's rather obvious he isn't detecting his hypos. So he is a danger to himself and the residents in his care, so I would have thought his job will very shortly be on the line if he's not careful.
Perhaps he needs a change of insulin as well as a kick up the bum.

 

[cherrypie]

Sorry to hear this Ellie. The fact that you know what is happening makes it worse really for you.

I wonder if he is depressed or has diabetic burnout? Some men find it hard to express their feelings and see it as a failure to admit that they are struggling.
I think you are too close to him to sort this out and he needs to go to his DSN/GP to discuss this if he will admit that there is a problem.

Ask yourself if this post was from someone else then what would your advice be?

I hope that things can be sorted as it affects the whole family. He may appear selfish but is he at the end of his tether with the constant day to day management that he never gets a break from?

Take care Ellie. Thinking of you.

 

[novorapidboi26]

It must be really hard seeing this happen....................

Can you not suggest a drop in dose somewhere.............basal dose maybe, that might bring his levels up and stop the hypos, but he might also notice higher blood sugars and then want to sort it.............

easier said than done eh............

hang in there...........................🙂

 

[imtrying]

hope this all gets sorted soon Ellie. It must be frustrating when you're both living with it, for one of you to be looking after the other.

I agree it probably sounds like he's on diabetic burnout or suffering depression maybe.

One thing I'd point out to him, would be, what if you were like he was??? who would look after you if you had a bad hypo, if he was like this all the time? maybe thinking of the roles reversed will help him see.

Good luck, and I'm glad you can vent on here 🙂

 

[vince13]

Ellie, there's nothing more I can add to the advice above and, as you are so well aware of the situation any advice from me would be totally worthless. I did, however, just want to send you hugs and wish you all the best. It's bad when you have to be strong for another's weakness - look after yourself.

 

[margie]

I read a book once called he says, she says and in there it spoke of men who tell lies to their wives. It said some do it because they think the truth will hurt and they don't want to upset you. They find it hard to realise that when you find out the truth you are upset with the covering lie and the original deception. I don't know if this is the case with Les but it might be.

Drs generally will not get involved unless someone is in danger of harming themselves or others. In this case they may view the frequency of his hypos as a reason to intervene. I

I hope that you find a way to cope and that posting your concerns will help you to process the emotions. You could consider getting some counselling for yourself to give you some coping strategies.

 

[Robster65]

Hi Ellie. Can only repeat what others hav said. He's not being fair on you and needs to take responsibility for his own health.

Is it possible he feels he can't match your own standards of control and so 'gives up' knowing that you'll step in ?

It can be a bit of a man thing unfortunately and we do tend to revert to childish behaviour when we're cornered. I hope you can get to root cause of his hypos, if not the root of why he won't take care of himself.

Maybe write him a letter telling him how it makes you feel ?

Rob

 

[everydayupsanddowns]

Hi EJ

So sorry to hear about your situation, but it is quite familiar to be. I have been where Les is (though perhaps in a slightly less extreme position I think - Paramedics were never involved). I think the trouble is that it creeps up on you, and if you can;t see a clear way around it it just becomes 'the way it is'. For me, finding the DOC and forums like this one was part of the turning point - that and a realisation that it did not have to be like it was. That improvements *could* be made. And that my wobbliness in control was having more of an effect on everyone than I was allowing myself to admit.

You are not alone. Things can get better.

Jane wrote this post about a year after I started pulling my finger out:
http://www.everydayupsanddowns.co.uk/2011/02/at-risk-of-sounding-like-grandma-walton.html

Hope you find a way of sharing how you feel with Les.

 

[Ellie Jones]

Thanks guys..

If I explain what sort of character Les is you get a better jest of him... Les is a very calm laid back character with a medium dash of none conformist in him (ex-punk rocker) diabetes is something he's always taken in his stride.. And it's his laid back character and attitude it pan out in the end that has landed him into trouble in the past

The problem isn't depression, diabetic burn out or giving up because he can't excel to the standards of control I've got it really how to change somebody attitude towards managing their diabetes when they think everything is fine! As problems is being created by his unwillingness to change when he needs to..

The battle I had with him over going onto the basal/bolus regime because his 2 jabs a day weren't working he was having frequent hypo's and I was frequently asked to return to work to sort out his hypo because the girls couldn't do it😱

He battle me last year about splitting his levimer because it was dropping off in the evening which was caused problems at night,

Now I've got a feeling that his basal needs sorting and dropped, but it's just a hunch, because looking at his meter there's no results that is really of any worth..

In many ways I don't mind helping him with working out his data and what adjustment needs to be made or what game plan might work better in a certain situation etc... But I do need him to do his part and gather the information that's required..

That's the hard part

Perhaps I should do to him what he did to me early in our relationship (long story and a bad consultant) I was struggling very much with my diabetes, and becoming extremely ill so he turned his back and walked out😱

 

[Copepod]

Dramatic, but might just work, Ellie!

 

[Lady Willpower]

Hey Ellie! I hope that you are ok today and that he is behaving himself!! I have been through this with my daughter many times but her blood sugars were way too high and she ended up on ITU where they had to battle to save her life on many occasion when her body has just started shutting down. Thankfully that is a thing of the past. What worked was a good talking to the last but one time that I was sat in ITU and told her in no way was I ever going to come to hospital to visit her again under these circumstances and that she either sorted herself out on her own or she could have my undevided attention and help whenever she wanted it to sort herself out but if she once dared to make me take care of her diabetes then she would not be helped. I refused to help her any more and just said that I would call an ambulance but I would not fuss round her any more. She knew that I meant what I said as the girl that lived down the road from me died from a result of a low blood sugar when she was 8 months and 3 weeks pregnant and they didnt save the baby as she was dead by the time her husband reached home. Than shook me to my roots and I started taking care of myself and hoped that my daughter would take notice of this. Well, blow me down if she didn't do it again!!! (she was 20 by this stage) I was so angry I called at my local undertakers and gathered what leaflets, pamphlets and brochurs I could (I did tell them what I was collecting them for), I walked into ITU, threw them on her bed and said 'you plan your own funeral because I'm not going to' and walked out of the ward. Apparently the ITU nurse thought that it was the most cruel thing she had ever seen until I explained why I was doing it. I am very pleased to say that it worked and she has only been in hospital twice since then and not in ITU. Shock tactics may work with your hubby but only you know him, I was only able to do what I did because I know my girl. Good luck hunni and keep your chin up xx

 

[Lady Willpower]

I have just read my own post and I mean that my daughter had been in twice since then but for 'real' problems e.g an uncontrollable infection that played with her sugars, not her diabetes lol

 

[Ellie Jones]

He's doing better today, and did show me his meter when he got home with a bit of a sulk because his readings have all been high this morning...

How long he will keep this up for, some decent testing, just a shame that he won't note down his carb intake or how busy he was in work..