I need a little bit of support

[a-aminamorbid]

You say you just don't know where to start and I appreciate that as all these places can be hard to access but I wonder if you could enlist the help of your GP for urgent referral to the mental health support team. You really can't go on as you are without help.
Neither you or your Mum are old enough not to be able to have a enjoyable future.

You could try contacting these people. https://giveusashout.org/

Yes thank you for this. And I must apologize for the delay in getting back later. I'm so sorry. I'm seeing my GP this Friday I'm going to ask to put back on therapy and adjust my antidepressants.
And thank you so much for the link I'm going to check it out right now. I appreciate the help.
Please look after yourself and I hope you are ok

 

[a-aminamorbid]

Interesting point about whether refusing care indicates incapacity. Can it ever be a rational decision? I guess it can be sometimes (in extreme cases, after all, suicide can be 'rational' from the point of view of the person committing it - they just find they have no personal reason for living), but sometimes yes, indicates they just are not thinking straight, and are not taking on board the adverse consequences to themselves of refusing care.

The Guilting is very, very well known alas, and as you say, in the end is a form of bullying - it's about getting another human being to make sacrifices for you, and you do nothing in return, it is exploiting their love for you, and you not showing any love for them. If Amina's mum loves her she'll accept external carers for her daughter's sake - end of.

Should love ever be one way only? The very religious might say yes (??), but I would think most folk would say no. In the case of someone who has no mental capacity (a baby, or someone with dementia), then one does not exepect reciprocity - the career is not mentally capable of it. But for anyone else then you can't just accept someone else's sacrifice and feel entitled to it. Amina's mum, judging by what Amina tells us, is simply and unequivically 'wrong' to refuse to accept outside carers which would lift a little of the crushing burden that caring for her places on her daughter. Her daughter has given up her youth for her mother - that's dreadful in itself.

I guess a final 'caveat' about the morality of the mother might be to make a call on whether Clinical Depression puts someone into the category of 'mental incapacity' - ie, is it a valid justification for selfishness (the kind of 'selfishness' of a baby or someone with dementia - ie, not morally 'selfish' as they cannot exert choice for themselves), or is it just selfish?? (Personally, I'd say the latter, though that might be deemed harsh????) (and ignorant of the toll Depression takes??)

Some 'selfish' people also use the argument: 'Look, if X wants to make sacrifices for me, that's her free choice. I don't have to feel responsible for her decision, and I'm therefore free to accept it. If I were her, I wouldn't be making sacrifices for anyone, and that is my free choice. She's made her free choice, and it's up to her to rescind it if she feels like it.' I personally think that is a convenient get-out clause!

Hello thank you once again I appreciate your wisdom and guidance. I agree her not wanting extra help for both of us does show selfishness and irrationality. It's really sad and it hurts knowing I've told her I'm sick and I need extra help and she refuses. At this point I'm just going to go ahead and no longer ask for her approval. Because she is just refusing.
Yes she's very depressed and I'm sure that influences her choices which makes things harder. I took her to the doctor's to put her back on antidepressants.
It's sad because I feel like I have a mum physically but emotionally and mentally she's distant. She asks me to get her cigarettes and it feels so wrong. She knows it's wrong but doesn't care. Unfortunately it took me 11 years to see this.
Thank you ever so much. I have to make tough choices and is scary. Thank you

 

[Callista]

Amina, you are so brave, and so very, very kind and loving - your mum has a WONDERFUL daughter, and I only wish she appreciated it more, by caring for YOU, and caring ABOUT you more than she clearly does. Depression can, sadly, make people behave very badly towards others - not out of malignity, but because their own unhappiness blots out everything and everyone else. I believe the term for it is 'self-focus' - only their misery counts, only their unhappiness, only them, them, them.....

I do think, you know, that you now have to be 'the parent' and take the decisions - yes, the tough ones you say are scary - that are necessary. Your mum really is not in any position to make them rationally or fairly. When children become their parents' carers, at any age, they actually have to become their parents' 'parent' and 'take over'. I think this is what you are now starting to do, and I think it is the right thing, both for your mother, and for yourself. I'm glad you took her to the doctor's, and got her back on her ADs, as this must surely help - help her AND you (it will help 'shelter' you from her a little I think.) The next thing is to turn your attention on yourself, and start the process of booking extra help from outside, including getting in a carer to take some of the pressure of caring off you. Professional carers have 'seen it all' and know perfectly well that so many times the 'caree' (your mum) doesn't want them there, and wants their daughter to do everything etc. But as your mum gets used to a 'stranger' then the 'stranger' will become familiar to her. And when you are less stressed and exhausted there will be less tension between you and your mother.

It's hard to change our lives 'totally' or 'all at once' but if we can find 'little ways' to start making inroads into the 'sea of unhappiness' engulfing us, then little by little it can ease, and the pressure starts to 'lift'.

Now, having got your mum to the doctor's, and got her back on her ADs, what is your next step? Keep us posted!

All the very best to you - because you deserve it (you may well not get 'the best', as life seldom gives us that, but I very much hope you will 'get to good', or, at least 'less bad'!!!!, before too much longer.)

It can be done, and you can do it.

 

[a-aminamorbid]

Amina, you are so brave, and so very, very kind and loving - your mum has a WONDERFUL daughter, and I only wish she appreciated it more, by caring for YOU, and caring ABOUT you more than she clearly does. Depression can, sadly, make people behave very badly towards others - not out of malignity, but because their own unhappiness blots out everything and everyone else. I believe the term for it is 'self-focus' - only their misery counts, only their unhappiness, only them, them, them.....

I do think, you know, that you now have to be 'the parent' and take the decisions - yes, the tough ones you say are scary - that are necessary. Your mum really is not in any position to make them rationally or fairly. When children become their parents' carers, at any age, they actually have to become their parents' 'parent' and 'take over'. I think this is what you are now starting to do, and I think it is the right thing, both for your mother, and for yourself. I'm glad you took her to the doctor's, and got her back on her ADs, as this must surely help - help her AND you (it will help 'shelter' you from her a little I think.) The next thing is to turn your attention on yourself, and start the process of booking extra help from outside, including getting in a carer to take some of the pressure of caring off you. Professional carers have 'seen it all' and know perfectly well that so many times the 'caree' (your mum) doesn't want them there, and wants their daughter to do everything etc. But as your mum gets used to a 'stranger' then the 'stranger' will become familiar to her. And when you are less stressed and exhausted there will be less tension between you and your mother.

It's hard to change our lives 'totally' or 'all at once' but if we can find 'little ways' to start making inroads into the 'sea of unhappiness' engulfing us, then little by little it can ease, and the pressure starts to 'lift'.

Now, having got your mum to the doctor's, and got her back on her ADs, what is your next step? Keep us posted!

All the very best to you - because you deserve it (you may well not get 'the best', as life seldom gives us that, but I very much hope you will 'get to good', or, at least 'less bad'!!!!, before too much longer.)

It can be done, and you can do it.

Thank you this made me emotional. Such a beautiful and kind comment. I have really really do appreciate this. I'm going to reach out to my social worker and contact adult social care. Everything you and the other wonderful people who commented are right.

I cannot do this. And your right with everything she's going through she's not going to think rationally. I'm very humbled and thank you I will like to keep everyone updated I feel seen and heard and it means the world. Especially since that never happens. Thank you for everything and your kind words. I'm truly greatful please be well. I will phone them next week

 

[Callista]

Amina, carers so, so often feel 'invisible'. Brutally, society doesn't care about carers. It doesn't care about people who need care in the first place, let alone those who provide that care. if society 'cared' then professional care-workers would be paid a lot more, and have a lot more national gratitude extended to them!!

I am glad you are finding the encouragement and sympathy here is helpful to you. As I said, you can't wave magic wands, but you can take little steps that each one helps to 'lift' a little the burden crushing you. The first step, and it's a vital one, as I said, is for you to accept that now you are the parent - it's hard, and it can hurt (we all want our own parents to parent us) but that inversion of roles is very common, as many children find out in middle age - so though you are young to 'take over', you won't be alone in that I promise. You can be tactful with your mum, and you can let her 'boss you around' in LITTLE things so she doesn't feel you're bossing her too much!!!

Once you've shifted some of the stress off YOU, then you can relax a little, and have a 'nicer time' with your mum. I wouldn't worry about her smoking by the way - yes, ideally she should not, but in the great scheme of things does it matter that much? It presumably calms and reassures her??

Do, always, always, always, however, remember that YOU are NOT responsible for her happiness, nor that of your brother. Children can be trained to feel their role is only to look atfter others, and make them happy. That is not so. They are responsible for finding their own happiness.

All the best with your own social worker, and getting adult care on board. You may have to be firm with them, and say, even that you are planning on moving out if you don't get any help with your mum, and then they'd have to take over all the care! By getting 'some help' with your mum, you can carry on. If not, you wash your hands (out of despearation and exhaustion!) and your mum would have to have full time carers and possibly even go in to a home.

Keep us posted, and take heart - you have started the process of climbing out of that dreadful box that was crushing you down and down and down. Every little step forward helps - remember, yes, you will get knocked back sometimes, but never as far back as you were at your worst. Pause, draw breath, and start on the next run of the ladder to the sunshine!!

Take care, Cally.

 

[Leadinglights]

I have heard it said by a number of people that once the caring is being done by somebody else they can get back to being a daughter and enjoy their time with the parent rather that all the time being spend doing the day to day things that needed to be done as a carer, washing, cooking, cleaning etc . The parent also felt more comfortable having personal things being done by a stranger (nurse, paid carer etc) than by their family.

 

[Callista]

That is so true!!!!