Hello you wonderful people,after i posted my first ever thingy ive been absolutely overwhelmed at the way you have rallied round and spoke to me,to be honest i cried,not with sadness,but with sheer relief.im going to be brutally honest,i had a bit of sleep and after reading all your positive words of encouragement and kindness i got up and i actually washed my hair for the first time in 4 weeks.don't get me wrong,i have had a shower most days but just like a robot on autopilot,i couldn't be arsed to go thru the absolute rigmarole of having to dry my hair but today there was something in me that shouted "come on fatty,move your carcass and get dressed"lol.ive looked in the mirror for the first time in 4 months...um im not going to gloss over the shock i had as i didnt recognise the bloated spotty face staring back at me but in for a penny and all that,i dug out my make up and after half an hour and a bit of lippy later i could see me,denny,and you know what?i didnt look too bad for an older gal.i even put some decent clobber on and felt the life force trickling back.i looked out of my window to the park that faces me and smiled at the squirrells running up and down the trees and the beautiful trees and had a little wobble as i said to myself oh God girl why cant you just go out the door and walk on that park.sorry to disappoint on my re awakening,my phoenix moment,my rebirth,i didn't manage to feel that grass or brush against the trees, i couldn't even touch the front door handle.after my power surge of panic and sweating,me hair was wet thru but i washed it again,no giving up now,no giving in to self pity its onwards and upwards (no outwards yet)for me.ive just had my tea,fresh baked cod,parsley sauce,garden peas and one teaspoon of spuds and i feel full.im going to test my bs in a min,it was 6.9 this morning and thats my next question,what is a normal figure?nobodys ever told me.most days im 5.5up to 7,but when i feel really down,tired,teary,mardy,etc ive been up to 18.6 but never higher but those figures are few and far between.I tell you what tho,its got to the point where just as im suppost to press that little thingy to test my blood,i just CANNOT PRESS IT DOWN,its weird but i just know its going to flipping hurt,i feel ridiculous telling you that now.my hope,my dream now is to make this diabetes fit into my life and not let it be an all consuming can't do this,can't eat that strict hide away life.today ive gone from the pits of despair to a feeling of elation but i know its not all going to be a bed of roses or a stroll thru the park...i wish,and by tomorrow i may be back at rock bottom but you lot,you normal everyday daft sweary non judgemental people have done more for me than any single medical proffessional had done in the last 13 months.you will never know how deeply genuinely moved i have felt reading your advice and kind words.thank you from my heart.I didn't expect anything but you have given me everything,blimey im not going to cry,well i don't want to ruin my make up do i? Oh i read that i should wear sunglasses to watch the telly but is this for real?i do squint a bit at the telly sometimes as it looks super bright but sun glasses to watch emmerdale? Bye for now im sure i'll be back soon.denise.x
