• Please Remember: Members are only permitted to share their own experiences. Members are not qualified to give medical advice. Additionally, everyone manages their health differently. Please be respectful of other people's opinions about their own diabetes management.
  • We seem to be having technical difficulties with new user accounts. If you are trying to register please check your Spam or Junk folder for your confirmation email. If you still haven't received a confirmation email, please reach out to our support inbox: support.forum@diabetes.org.uk

I dont like me anymore.

Status
This thread is now closed. Please contact Anna DUK, Ieva DUK or everydayupsanddowns if you would like it re-opened.
D

Di Abeetis

New Member
Relationship to Diabetes
Type 1
Hia to everyone,i'm a new member and am T1 on insulin.I don't know what to eat anymore.my legs burn in agony all night and i see massive flashes and circles in both eyes for up to an hour a few days/nights of every week.ive had a retinopathy test and they said theres the beginning of something,i wasn't listening as all i heard was im going blind.ive been diabetic for a year but have been in total denial and mainly carried on as normal till these agonising pains and flashes came and its hit me like a ton of bricks so i decided on monday im changing my life style and eating habits.i actually sat and cried as i was saying goodbye to the old me and it felt like a bereavment.how mad or sad is that?ive seen other diabetes sites and just thought omg these people can't stop talking about having diabetes and some were like trying to out do each other.i said to myself no way do i want to join these weirdos thank you but hey here i am,isolated,scared,feeling low and totally suicidal if im totally honest.sorry for the ramblings of an old git tho and thanks to anyone who reads this and can understand how im feeling.
 
Hi @Di Abeetis and welcome to the forum. I am sorry you are feeling so low but you are not isolated now. You will find us a friendly bunch with lots of useful information to help you along.
I am Type 2 so don't have much knowledge of Type 1 but I am sure other members will soon be along to help you.
 
Here, is a most enormous hug. ((((((()))))). Sorry if you’re not a huggy person. I can’t tell you much about the symptoms you’re experiencing, but I can feel your pain as someone who’se blaming themselves for their blood glucose (the opposite extreme in my case). I know the feelings of guilt, frustration, anger, helpless and just wanting to hurl yourself at the floor and yell and not have to interact with this stupid disease any more. YES it can feel like a bereavement. Your sight is extremely important. It’s okay to feel **** when you’re worried it’s being compromised, especially if you’re not getting the help you need. BUT You have made a huge step in the right direction in reaching out for help. Keep that energy going.
 
So what to do.....? Heres what i’d do:

1). Call for medical advice - A&E, possibly? Or nhs helpline - and check how urgent it is. I don’t know these signs but they sound worrying to me and if they say you need immediate help, take it. (If you feel as bad as you say there’s no harm giving the nurses /doctors another chance to get it right - it hardly sounds like they’ll make you feel worse and they might even help you! Tell them you’re scared of being judged - I expect they’ll take more care then). If it turns out you don’t need immediate help, at least you’ve checked. then congratulate yourself again. Two steps made.

2) I hear you about the forums. Being ill can feel like a hobby and take up a lot of time. But we didn’t choose diabetes - it chose us and we are choosing to spend time here learning to defend our bodies from it. That takes guts and can be extremely difficult, and we can help each other.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Thank you jean & lizzie,i just want to say thank you for replying as i really didnt think anyone would and your kind words are so encouraging for me and i truly am a huggy touchy feely person,that was so lovely sending me a cuddle.I'm just so down as its not just the diabetes,i'm on meds for underactive thyroid,have had my gall bladder removed but still suffer stomach pains constantly but the worse is ive been agoraphobic for over 12 yrs and its like being a self imposed prisoner.some days i dont see a soul,and the way ive been treated by some medical staff is beyond rude and shocking.they expect me to just magically forget the agoraphobia and just nip out to catch 3 buses to get to the hospital or clinic and when i say i just can't come out as im terrified with nerves they kiss their teeth and look at me in disgust which then makes me hate myself even more and want to hide.i asked if a dn can come out to see me but was told off like a naughty kid and felt so embarrased so you see ive just sat at home getting my monthly repeat prescription and haven"t seen anyone.i have to google everything to find out anything about diabetes but im expecting to go blind and then have my legs amputated.god ive even started to drink strong lager to numb it all out but ive been really ill afterwards and never got out of bed for 2 days.If this is life,this depressing downward spiral of nothingness i'd rather just put an end to it.I'm 61, an old hippy,a bit dippy,intelligent and kind and have always been the listener,the carer the helper but theres no one to help me.my daughter lives with me but shes a hopeless useless selfish heroin addict who uses my poor health and mental fragility to her advantage but i told her to leave yesterday,she was draining the very life force out of me but since then,even tho im on me own with my little pug,buster im going to take little steps a day at a time to get my life back.I was always a fighter who never hid or cowered down from anything but ive disappeared and have become invisible to everyone but i feel a spark of life daring me to flipping get off my arse and do something before i go blind or even madder than i am with this relentless searing pain.i used to look at my daughter zombied out for hours and think to myself,im here suffering in pain and lifes passing me by yet shes laying there in stoned out painfree bliss...shall i join her.Thank God ive never given in to temptation but who would blame me...I would for one so its never going to happen not whilst my brain still works.im making changes every day,albiet small steps at least now i understand what being a diabetic means,it means changes not a death sentence but only if I help myself.i am denise,i am a fighter,i am a good person,i am a diabetic...
 
Hi again Denise. I can totally understand your agoraphobia. My favourite auntie when I was growing up was agroraphobic. On the plus side you always knew she was going to be in when you called to see her. I loved going there. She could never just forget being agoraphobic. She even missed her 2 daughter's weddings. At one point she could manage to go to the garden gate but most of the time she couldn't go out of the door. Surely the NHS recognises this condition. Your life sounds very hard but please don't look to strong lager as an escape. I can't advise you on Type 1 diabetes but please look after yourself. Keep fighting! xx
 
You are clearly a very strong woman and you don’t sound as if you want to give up. You sound as if you want to feel better. If this is life...... you say. But what if it isn’t life. What if this is fear and there’s a life waiting for you where you can be useful and valued. I’m sure there is. just think of all your experiences and he insight this gives you for helping other people. (Not the person you most want to help at the moment. I hear you and I’m desperately sorry, but others like her who are ready to be helped and need somebody). Just think of all the cool things you havent done yet for yourself. BUT in order to be available to choose (or not) to do these things, you need to prioritise yourself and caring for your body right now

Unfortunately getting better is incredibly hard for you because you will need so much strength to get to the clinic and go in. Definitely be open about your fear of being judged because it should help people to understand you need gentle treatment. People who suck their teeth don’t do it because want to hurt you - they just don’t understand what they don’t know. Their ignorance is their problem. It mustn’t get in the way of you getting help. Strong lager? This is a choice. You can probably choose to deal with it in other ways but that is easy to say and you may also may require help with this.

Please ask for help. There are three ways this could end but the one I se that is most positive involves you biting your lip reaching out for help and risking the negative reaction you are afraid of.




QUOTE="Di Abeetis, post: 801185, member: 21342"]Thank you jean & lizzie,i just want to say thank you for replying as i really didnt think anyone would and your kind words are so encouraging for me and i truly am a huggy touchy feely person,that was so lovely sending me a cuddle.I'm just so down as its not just the diabetes,i'm on meds for underactive thyroid,have had my gall bladder removed but still suffer stomach pains constantly but the worse is ive been agoraphobic for over 12 yrs and its like being a self imposed prisoner.some days i dont see a soul,and the way ive been treated by some medical staff is beyond rude and shocking.they expect me to just magically forget the agoraphobia and just nip out to catch 3 buses to get to the hospital or clinic and when i say i just can't come out as im terrified with nerves they kiss their teeth and look at me in disgust which then makes me hate myself even more and want to hide.i asked if a dn can come out to see me but was told off like a naughty kid and felt so embarrased so you see ive just sat at home getting my monthly repeat prescription and haven"t seen anyone.i have to google everything to find out anything about diabetes but im expecting to go blind and then have my legs amputated.god ive even started to drink strong lager to numb it all out but ive been really ill afterwards and never got out of bed for 2 days.If this is life,this depressing downward spiral of nothingness i'd rather just put an end to it.I'm 61, an old hippy,a bit dippy,intelligent and kind and have always been the listener,the carer the helper but theres no one to help me.my daughter lives with me but shes a hopeless useless selfish heroin addict who uses my poor health and mental fragility to her advantage but i told her to leave yesterday,she was draining the very life force out of me but since then,even tho im on me own with my little pug,buster im going to take little steps a day at a time to get my life back.I was always a fighter who never hid or cowered down from anything but ive disappeared and have become invisible to everyone but i feel a spark of life daring me to flipping get off my arse and do something before i go blind or even madder than i am with this relentless searing pain.i used to look at my daughter zombied out for hours and think to myself,im here suffering in pain and lifes passing me by yet shes laying there in stoned out painfree bliss...shall i join her.Thank God ive never given in to temptation but who would blame me...I would for one so its never going to happen not whilst my brain still works.im making changes every day,albiet small steps at least now i understand what being a diabetic means,it means changes not a death sentence but only if I help myself.i am denise,i am a fighter,i am a good person,i am a diabetic...[/QUOTE]
 
Hi Di Hi.
You seem to have been given some warning signs that are the result of not looking after the diabetes as well as you could. unfortunately diabetes can be a very unforgiving disease if not well controlled. You do not say if you have had a recent HbA1c blood test recently. You need to test regularly to enable you to start to get better control of your blood glucose levels and get within the normal levels. Obviously I do not know the extent to what any 'damage' may have occurred but the priority now is to get your T1 under more control to limit or prevent any further complications happening or worsening. That usually means altering your diet and testing before each meal and about two hours after to see how the meal has increased your blood glucose.You can then make adjustments to the foods you eat so that your BG levels come within the 'normal' ranges. A great many members on here have adopted a low carb diet which lowers their BG levels.
You have demonstrated that you now have the spirit to change your lifestyle and there's no reason why this shouldn't happen. It takes a lot of courage and determination to change your lifestyle for the good and ultimately you're the only one, yourself, who can make that happen.Dave
 
Hello jean,thank you again for replying,it actually does make a difference to talk to someone with diabetes because they can understand you.my ex doctor referred me to a psychiatrist 7 years ago and im still waiting to be seen,thats just one of the many examples i mean about feeling invisible,its not even a bad joke.im not going to drink that strong stuff anymore because i know its causing my blood sugar to go sky high and im going to ring my useless doctor and beg for some help.ive been reading that i can get rid of my diabetes by fasting and only eating a certain thing but when i asked what it was i was directed to a page saying it would cost me £20,ha bloody ha.there are so many crackpots out there who say they are a font of information on the ins and outs of all types of diabetes but you just can't trust them.when i first went to the doctors who sent me to hospital,they told me to get in bed,put a drip in my arm,told me theyve hardly ever met anyone of 60 with type 1 and then showed me how to fill me little insulin pen up and how to test my blood then said you'll get used to this,then just walked off!!Ive seen a DNS at hospital once since then and had a retinopathy eye test as well but have had absolutely no help advice or backup.Everything i know about diabetes i have had to find out about it myself.i found some tramadols i had from way back and took 2 earlier and its took the edge off this damn red hot pain and throbbing but im nodding off as ive not slept at all so im going to grab the chance of a bit of shut eye.its a relief to open up about all this so,many thanks to everyone,i can see now that people on these forums are just normal and not these obsessive manic look at me im a diabetic kind of types that i have seen.A bit of the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders today...thank you so much.denise.x
 
Welcome Di, so sorry things seem so bleak at the moment but there is a way (which is personal to you) of controlling this thing. Do you have any friends you could talk to? If not, you have now 🙂 The best thing that I have learned from other people on here is to test your blood regularly which allows you to take full control of what is happening with your diet, and the feeling of control gives you power over it. You are the priority in all this stuff that is going on in your life at the moment-there is nobody more important! Big hug.
 
Di Abeetis said:
Hello jean,thank you again for replying,it actually does make a difference to talk to someone with diabetes because they can understand you.my ex doctor referred me to a psychiatrist 7 years ago and im still waiting to be seen,thats just one of the many examples i mean about feeling invisible,its not even a bad joke.im not going to drink that strong stuff anymore because i know its causing my blood sugar to go sky high and im going to ring my useless doctor and beg for some help.ive been reading that i can get rid of my diabetes by fasting and only eating a certain thing but when i asked what it was i was directed to a page saying it would cost me £20,ha bloody ha.there are so many crackpots out there who say they are a font of information on the ins and outs of all types of diabetes but you just can't trust them.when i first went to the doctors who sent me to hospital,they told me to get in bed,put a drip in my arm,told me theyve hardly ever met anyone of 60 with type 1 and then showed me how to fill me little insulin pen up and how to test my blood then said you'll get used to this,then just walked off!!Ive seen a DNS at hospital once since then and had a retinopathy eye test as well but have had absolutely no help advice or backup.Everything i know about diabetes i have had to find out about it myself.i found some tramadols i had from way back and took 2 earlier and its took the edge off this damn red hot pain and throbbing but im nodding off as ive not slept at all so im going to grab the chance of a bit of shut eye.its a relief to open up about all this so,many thanks to everyone,i can see now that people on these forums are just normal and not these obsessive manic look at me im a diabetic kind of types that i have seen.A bit of the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders today...thank you so much.denise.x
Click to expand...
Welcome to the world of Diabetes Denise. We are shown how to inject and then more or less left to our own devices to work out how the hell we deal with this nasty illness. Fortunately there are many good people on here who share experiences and offer advice freely. I for one have learnt more on this forum than any healthcare person has taught me.
 
Di Abeetis said:
Hia to everyone,i'm a new member and am T1 on insulin.I don't know what to eat anymore.my legs burn in agony all night and i see massive flashes and circles in both eyes for up to an hour a few days/nights of every week.ive had a retinopathy test and they said theres the beginning of something,i wasn't listening as all i heard was im going blind.ive been diabetic for a year but have been in total denial and mainly carried on as normal till these agonising pains and flashes came and its hit me like a ton of bricks so i decided on monday im changing my life style and eating habits.i actually sat and cried as i was saying goodbye to the old me and it felt like a bereavment.how mad or sad is that?ive seen other diabetes sites and just thought omg these people can't stop talking about having diabetes and some were like trying to out do each other.i said to myself no way do i want to join these weirdos thank you but hey here i am,isolated,scared,feeling low and totally suicidal if im totally honest.sorry for the ramblings of an old git tho and thanks to anyone who reads this and can understand how im feeling.
Click to expand...
Hi Di, welcome to the forum 🙂 First things first - don't panic! You've had a bit of a wake-up call, but it's clear you want to turn things around and we will do our best to help you achieve it 🙂 Try not to become overwhelmed, you need to take things step by step. What did they say about the retinopathy - was it described as 'background retinopathy'? When did they say they want to see you again about your eyes? If background retinopathy then this is not sight-threatening, and can actually disappear if you are able to achieve more stable blood sugar levels. Even if it is more progressed there are lots of very effective treatments that can be given so you are a long, long way off losing your sight. Regarding the leg pains, this is probably something called 'transient neuropathy', it can occur when your levels are either very poor for a period, or if they are fluctuating from high to low to high again a lot of the time. Again, this can disappear if you can manage to maintain better blood sugar levels.

It's very scary when you feel like this, I know. Even though you have been diagnosed for a year you are very much in the 'early learning stage' as far as diabetes is concerned - much of your ability to manage things will depend on the experience you build up, and this can take time. Also, it is exactly like a bereavement for many people - suddenly the 'you' you had thought you were and the life you thought would lie ahead of you has been taken away from you and you need to take time to grieve for that and learn to adjust. The good news is that you CAN learn how to manage things well, and you will be able to just make this a small part of your otherwise busy and active life 🙂

I'd highly recommend getting hold of a copy of Type 1 Diabetes in Children Adolescents and Young People by Ragnar Hanas - doesn't matter what your age is, this is a fantastic book that covers all aspects of living with Type 1 and how to deal with it 🙂

Please feel free to ask ANY questions you may have, let us know of your concerns, or just come here for a good old rant - you are among people who understand just how you are feeling and will be happy to help you in any way we can 🙂 Here's a big {{{{HUG}}}} - put the past year behind you and start afresh - today is Day 1 of a new you 🙂
 
Hello and welcome. What a rotten time you have been through! Know that we are here for you.
 
Hi @Di Abeetis
Welcome to the forum and sorry to hear you are havng a bad time
You could try calling the DUK Helpline and talk with someone thereb as an option
How to contact Helpline

Call: 0345 123 2399*, Monday to Friday, 9am–6pm

Email: helpline@diabetes.org.uk



If you're in Scotland:
Call: 0141 212 8710*, Monday to Friday, 9am–6pm.

Email: helpline.scotland@diabetes.org.uk
 
Di Abeetis said:
Hia to everyone,i'm a new member and am T1 on insulin.I don't know what to eat anymore.my legs burn in agony all night and i see massive flashes and circles in both eyes for up to an hour a few days/nights of every week.ive had a retinopathy test and they said theres the beginning of something,i wasn't listening as all i heard was im going blind.ive been diabetic for a year but have been in total denial and mainly carried on as normal till these agonising pains and flashes came and its hit me like a ton of bricks so i decided on monday im changing my life style and eating habits.i actually sat and cried as i was saying goodbye to the old me and it felt like a bereavment.how mad or sad is that?ive seen other diabetes sites and just thought omg these people can't stop talking about having diabetes and some were like trying to out do each other.i said to myself no way do i want to join these weirdos thank you but hey here i am,isolated,scared,feeling low and totally suicidal if im totally honest.sorry for the ramblings of an old git tho and thanks to anyone who reads this and can understand how im feeling.
Click to expand...
Hello ! It is a pain at times but keep at it & keep those eyes hydrated. It might sound daft but if I have high bg its my eyes that feel dry. I like the name :D Good luck 🙂
 
Its not goodbye to the old you it is hello to a new one
Diagnosed T2 myself just 1 month ago so had to go through a thorough look at my eating habits & change them.
I am now eating better (and Tastier!) food & enjoying it much more than the old garbage I used to eat.
The condition is manageable the important thing is that you control it & don't let it control you.
There really should be no need for any drastic changes to your life (except ones for the better).

I was also apprehensive when first diagnosed (despite having a father who is T2 & a number of acquaintances with the condition) but the people here have been fantastic in making me realise it is definitely not the end of the world.
 
Hello you wonderful people,after i posted my first ever thingy ive been absolutely overwhelmed at the way you have rallied round and spoke to me,to be honest i cried,not with sadness,but with sheer relief.im going to be brutally honest,i had a bit of sleep and after reading all your positive words of encouragement and kindness i got up and i actually washed my hair for the first time in 4 weeks.don't get me wrong,i have had a shower most days but just like a robot on autopilot,i couldn't be arsed to go thru the absolute rigmarole of having to dry my hair but today there was something in me that shouted "come on fatty,move your carcass and get dressed"lol.ive looked in the mirror for the first time in 4 months...um im not going to gloss over the shock i had as i didnt recognise the bloated spotty face staring back at me but in for a penny and all that,i dug out my make up and after half an hour and a bit of lippy later i could see me,denny,and you know what?i didnt look too bad for an older gal.i even put some decent clobber on and felt the life force trickling back.i looked out of my window to the park that faces me and smiled at the squirrells running up and down the trees and the beautiful trees and had a little wobble as i said to myself oh God girl why cant you just go out the door and walk on that park.sorry to disappoint on my re awakening,my phoenix moment,my rebirth,i didn't manage to feel that grass or brush against the trees, i couldn't even touch the front door handle.after my power surge of panic and sweating,me hair was wet thru but i washed it again,no giving up now,no giving in to self pity its onwards and upwards (no outwards yet)for me.ive just had my tea,fresh baked cod,parsley sauce,garden peas and one teaspoon of spuds and i feel full.im going to test my bs in a min,it was 6.9 this morning and thats my next question,what is a normal figure?nobodys ever told me.most days im 5.5up to 7,but when i feel really down,tired,teary,mardy,etc ive been up to 18.6 but never higher but those figures are few and far between.I tell you what tho,its got to the point where just as im suppost to press that little thingy to test my blood,i just CANNOT PRESS IT DOWN,its weird but i just know its going to flipping hurt,i feel ridiculous telling you that now.my hope,my dream now is to make this diabetes fit into my life and not let it be an all consuming can't do this,can't eat that strict hide away life.today ive gone from the pits of despair to a feeling of elation but i know its not all going to be a bed of roses or a stroll thru the park...i wish,and by tomorrow i may be back at rock bottom but you lot,you normal everyday daft sweary non judgemental people have done more for me than any single medical proffessional had done in the last 13 months.you will never know how deeply genuinely moved i have felt reading your advice and kind words.thank you from my heart.I didn't expect anything but you have given me everything,blimey im not going to cry,well i don't want to ruin my make up do i? Oh i read that i should wear sunglasses to watch the telly but is this for real?i do squint a bit at the telly sometimes as it looks super bright but sun glasses to watch emmerdale? Bye for now im sure i'll be back soon.denise.x
 
Great to hear Denise! 🙂 Between 5 and 7 is a great number to wake on, but you will feel rotten with an 18 - we all do 😱 Try not to worry too much about the numbers at the moment, but each time you test ask yourself what the information is telling you. Try and learn something from it so that perhaps you can think of ways to improve it next time (if the number is high), or repeat it next time if the number is good! 🙂 You might find Painless Pricks, by Alan S useful if you find finger pricking painful, it has tips and advice about how to reduce the pain 🙂

I have to say, you sound excited about the new life that awaits you 🙂 So keep up that momentum and let us know how things go - Muggles (non-diabetics) quickly glaze over when we talk about blood sugars etc., but we don't! 🙂
 
GOOD 4u ! That's what eating fish does for me :D. You wrote that very well & may it continue please. Power to you !
 
Status
This thread is now closed. Please contact Anna DUK, Ieva DUK or everydayupsanddowns if you would like it re-opened.
Back
Top