I can feel the urge to binge starting up again

[Jenny65]

I have lost 2 stone since being diagnosed on 2nd July but previously my eating has been extreme all or nothing. , I have been anorexic as a teen and now in my 50s I can recall many cycles over the years of binge/starve. I found my urges had died down with the reduction in carbs, but today I am sitting here trying to stop myself going in the kitchen and eating until I feel full. I dont know why as have eaten well today, not starvation, 1200 cals and 79 carbs, like most days, I eat Greek yoghurt and berries for breakfast, lunch today was a vegetable moussaka and a salad, my dinner was a home made veg soup and I have snacked on Cashew nuts, and 1 Ryvita with peanut butter plus a 10 cal jelly. I am scared not because I think I will do myself permanent damage (basically all I have in the kitchen is healthy food, no bread, no pasta, no sugary treats etc...so if I was going to binge it would be on beetroot, salad or sprouts or similar...the bit that I know would damage me is that tomorrow I would wake and remember what I had done and how I had lost control of my eating and be once again scared of the scales and what my DN would say...what can I do to stop this empty feeling inside, I also gave up smoking as soon as I found out I was diabetic and I had an addiction to pain killers a few years back which I am again craving, (I was prescribed tramadol for a broken leg and then made excuses to get it prescribed) I guess I am saying I can feel myself losing control. talk me out of it please.

 

[42istheanswer]

I think it's always going to be difficult keeping tight control of diet for medical reasons with a history of eating disorder. Is there something you could do to distract yourself and keep your hands busy so you couldn't eat? Maybe paint your nails if they aren't "done" already?

It may also be worth considering if there is a trigger with the time of year quietly reminding your subconscious of something

 

[everydayupsanddowns]

Ah sorry to hear this @Jenny65

Thank you so much for your honesty, and feeling able to share here.

Do you have any tools, tactics or techniques from when you worked through disordered eating before?

Would it help to contact BEAT the ED charity? Or call one of the online support networks (eg Samaritans), or a close friend or family member?

We are here for you. We are rooting for you. You are stronger than you think. You are not your thoughts, or your urges and impulses.

 

[everydayupsanddowns]

I like that mindfulness image of thoughts and urges being like clouds floating across a sky. Some big, some small. Some light, some dark. They arise, float across the sky, and disappear - but the sky remains.

 

[Jenny65]

I like that mindfulness image of thoughts and urges being like clouds floating across a sky. Some big, some small. Some light, some dark. They arise, float across the sky, and disappear - but the sky remains.

Thank you for this. I have managed to get past it (I think). Its only just dawned on me that this isn't just a diet for a holiday or a few months, the option to eat like I did before has gone for good and although I know there are worse things in life than not being able to eat a freshly baked French stick with cheese or a baked potato with beans and melted cheese, or a sausage roll. I was always a savoury snacker and cheese and salad cream on freshly baked bread was something I really used to enjoy. I am at a stage of my life when I am questioning so much, I am single at 57 (was with my childhood sweetheart for 28 years) but we split up when I was 48 and although I did meet someone after we split up, he moved away for work and wanted to have a long distance relationship that didnt appeal to me.

I am not sure what direction my life is going to go in now, my children are all in happy relationships, one is married and another living with his girlfriend, my daughter is on the verge of moving out, so now its my time, but I now have this disease holding me back, so eating out which was a pleasure now just becomes eating for physical needs and not pleasure. I just feel a bit low to be approaching retirement without any direction or anything to look forward to, its probably not even the diabetes thats upsetting me, its just what I am focussing on.

Thanks for being there and responding, I will feel different tomorrow, these moods dont last. The annoying thing is though I was looking up anti depressants and realise I probably cant have them either, even if they help, due to my liver issues

Eating is a form of control but now its determined by this illness and not my choice so feel a bit like I haven't got a say on such a basic area of life

Thanks again and sorry to be so down

 

[Wannie]

Sorry to read that you are feeling this way @Jenny65, the mindfulness image that @everydayupsanddowns can be a very helpful and powerful image. Have you tried meditation or aromatherapy? Maybe something to try?
You are stronger than you think and what an amazing job you have done bringing up your children to be independent adults! You are and have been taking up the challenge of living with T2 and doing very well, losing 2 stones in a little over 2 months, and quit smoking!!
I was diagnosed on the 30th May a month before you, a few weeks ago it hit me that this is something that is likely to affect me for the rest of my life. I think the first few weeks are full of information, what you need to do or stop doing, attending medical appointments and chasing others up, learning to cook new meals, different ingredients, testing BG that you don't have time to think of the full implication of the diagnosis until you have time to breathe, or at least that's how it felt to me.
My urge was to walk along the beach eating fish n chips again, something that I'd done regularly since moving here, during lockdown, I thought about it and realised I enjoyed the walk on the beach as much as the fish n chips, and I could still enjoy the walk.
Take care and do consider talking to Beat.

 

[Eddy Edson]

1200 kcal/day is probably not much more than half of what you burn, depending on how active you are.

(Best tool IMO for checking this out: https://www.niddk.nih.gov/bwp )

I'd say a zero surprise factor if your system rebels from time to time & wants more!

 

[Lucyr]

Your post doesn’t sound like eating something else would have been disordered eating particularly though. You’d only eaten 1200 calories and 79 carbs so your body was in a considerable defecit. You would have had salad and beetroot, eating enough to feel full. Eating salad to fill up is exactly what’s recommended when dieting! If you’re hungry have the extra salad, eat till you’re feeling fuller and have satisfied the hunger.

There’s no rule that you must stick to 1200 calories, it’s actually lower than is reccomended for dieting. It’s advised to have a deficit of 500 calories and lose the weight slower.

 

[Deleted member 21371]

Your post doesn’t sound like eating something else would have been disordered eating particularly though. You’d only eaten 1200 calories and 79 carbs so your body was in a considerable defecit. You would have had salad and beetroot, eating enough to feel full. Eating salad to fill up is exactly what’s recommended when dieting! If you’re hungry have the extra salad, eat till you’re feeling fuller and have satisfied the hunger.

There’s no rule that you must stick to 1200 calories, it’s actually lower than is reccomended for dieting. It’s advised to have a deficit of 500 calories and lose the weight slower.

It depends on the diet.
The weight loss start of the Newcastle diet for example goes down to 800 calories, so there is no hard and fast rule on minimum either.
I found the lack of food actually worked better, as it seemed to give me a clean break, and let me introduce a completely different way of eating later.

 

[Lucyr]

It depends on the diet.
The weight loss start of the Newcastle diet for example goes down to 800 calories, so there is no hard and fast rule on minimum either.
I found the lack of food actually worked better, as it seemed to give me a clean break, and let me introduce a completely different way of eating later.

The Newcastle diet is not reccomended if you have a history of anorexia, the minimum advised is more like 1200 in that scenario

Edit: this link confirms you cannot follow a very low calorie diet with previous eating disorders https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-weight/managing-your-weight/very-low-calorie-diets/

 

[gll]

awww Jenny. Massive hugs to you my lovely.

I had a long and hard few weeks of thinking on how to manage my diagnosis. First instinct was to low carb it, beat this sucker etc.
I realised it wasn't sustainable to me to live on very low carb. All it did was create a very unhealthy relationship with food. (although I appreciate not everyone is the same and some manage just fine)

I had to find my middle ground and find what was liveable for me and kinda figure out my "wiggle room". eg I was still technically low carb according to nhs, I wasn't super low carb brackets.
I also took the medication pathway along side diet control so I had a safety net so to speak and wouldn't be back to square 1 if I strayed too far off plan.

I have other suspected issues going on and have ended up further down the medication pathway than expected, however, I still have to keep my brain in check when I have something "naughty". By naughty I mean having a slice of bread with soup and not scoffing a cake for example 😉

I'm in a catch 22 where I am on mealtime insulin so I do need to have carbs but still have troubles some days where I don't want to eat them. For me it will take time to get this unravelled (and getting on a more flexible insulin dose).

Mental health and relationships with food is very important to keep on top of as well as diabetes. What's the point in only managing one and being miserable/unwell because of the other.

I try my best to stay neutral on the forums when it comes to low carb being strongly pushed but always try and say what I will say to you now.
You have to find the right path for you. No one can insist low carb is the only answer just as medication isn't the only answer. Its adjusting the scales where all parts of your life are in balance.
I would suggest that you have a long think about where is the right place for you to sustainably manage it all as a whole.

Of course talk it though with everyone, get advice, share how you are feeling. We are all here to listen and give our opinions but ultimately, this is your choice and we will all still be here for you whatever you decide.

Me, personally, I just want you to be well

 

[Jenny65]

awww Jenny. Massive hugs to you my lovely.

I had a long and hard few weeks of thinking on how to manage my diagnosis. First instinct was to low carb it, beat this sucker etc.
I realised it wasn't sustainable to me to live on very low carb. All it did was create a very unhealthy relationship with food. (although I appreciate not everyone is the same and some manage just fine)

I had to find my middle ground and find what was liveable for me and kinda figure out my "wiggle room". eg I was still technically low carb according to nhs, I wasn't super low carb brackets.
I also took the medication pathway along side diet control so I had a safety net so to speak and wouldn't be back to square 1 if I strayed too far off plan.

I have other suspected issues going on and have ended up further down the medication pathway than expected, however, I still have to keep my brain in check when I have something "naughty". By naughty I mean having a slice of bread with soup and not scoffing a cake for example 😉

I'm in a catch 22 where I am on mealtime insulin so I do need to have carbs but still have troubles some days where I don't want to eat them. For me it will take time to get this unravelled (and getting on a more flexible insulin dose).

Mental health and relationships with food is very important to keep on top of as well as diabetes. What's the point in only managing one and being miserable/unwell because of the other.

I try my best to stay neutral on the forums when it comes to low carb being strongly pushed but always try and say what I will say to you now.
You have to find the right path for you. No one can insist low carb is the only answer just as medication isn't the only answer. Its adjusting the scales where all parts of your life are in balance.
I would suggest that you have a long think about where is the right place for you to sustainably manage it all as a whole.

Of course talk it though with everyone, get advice, share how you are feeling. We are all here to listen and give our opinions but ultimately, this is your choice and we will all still be here for you whatever you decide.

Me, personally, I just want you to be well

Thank you for your lovely words, they mean a lot. Thank you to everyone that has responded as well, and I apologise for being so low. I would reply longer but I have a migraine and cant see very well so may type gobledy gook 🙂

 

[gll]

but I have a migraine and cant see very well so may type gobledy gook 🙂

I sometimes get migraine babble that comes through in typing which is fun 🙄. That's of course if I can see to type
Hope you aren't feeling too wiped out today. It can take me days to feel back to normal. Its like a hangover with the fun part

 

[Leadinglights]

I sometimes get migraine babble that comes through in typing which is fun 🙄. That's of course if I can see to type
Hope you aren't feeling too wiped out today. It can take me days to feel back to normal. Its like a hangover with the fun part

My OH used to get something which we thought was migraine, but it was just the visual effects, no headache, lasted pretty well precisely 20 mins. He just used to call it his woobly eyes. We never really knew what it was.

 

[Jenny65]

I sometimes get migraine babble that comes through in typing which is fun 🙄. That's of course if I can see to type
Hope you aren't feeling too wiped out today. It can take me days to feel back to normal. Its like a hangover with the fun part

My OH used to get something which we thought was migraine, but it was just the visual effects, no headache, lasted pretty well precisely 20 mins. He just used to call it his woobly eyes. We never really knew what it was.

Thank you both

I get the wobbly eyes too, no head pain, I literally feel exhausted and cant see properly, I have had these for years normally connected to my hormones as once a month without fail I would get one, and could feel it approaching. I then went through the menopause and they vanished but have since re-emerged, I think they are known as migraine with aura. My doctor prescribed some medication that made me unwell and then aspirin to take each day, I stopped when I stopped getting them but may have them again if they have returned. In addition to the vision problems I get confused thoughts and my speech is a bit odd too. I take after my late grandma as she had these too. She later went on to have lots of mini strokes (TIAs) but always recovered fully. She lived until she was 97 so although she didnt enjoy them she had a very long life. She grew all her own vegetables and I wonder if she ate well so maybe staved off diabetes (her sister was diabetic but only in her late 70s not 50s like me - we are all apple shapes with stick legs and arms so could be my genetic lin

 

[Jenny65]

Sorry didnt mean to post just then. I meant to share, I have just been out to meet up with my colleagues. we all work from home and meet up once every 6 weeks for a catch up and welfare check. I have been told by my boss not to lose any more weight as I am looking thin in the face...I am BMI 29, 12 stone and 5ft 4 - I want to lose another 3 stone, why is it people who are well meaning say this to you. I said to her, well I am not dieting as such I will probably lose weight just because I am eating lots of veg and cutting down on carbs regardless. I mean thats true isnt it, weight loss when you are overweight happens because you are eating correctly as opposed to under eating. I know 1200 a day may be too low but my BMR is 1330 so not much difference so I am sure I am eating OK, wish I could eat a lot more but that is a dangerous path for me 🙂

Hope everyone is well x

 

[AndBreathe]

Sorry didnt mean to post just then. I meant to share, I have just been out to meet up with my colleagues. we all work from home and meet up once every 6 weeks for a catch up and welfare check. I have been told by my boss not to lose any more weight as I am looking thin in the face...I am BMI 29, 12 stone and 5ft 4 - I want to lose another 3 stone, why is it people who are well meaning say this to you. I said to her, well I am not dieting as such I will probably lose weight just because I am eating lots of veg and cutting down on carbs regardless. I mean thats true isnt it, weight loss when you are overweight happens because you are eating correctly as opposed to under eating. I know 1200 a day may be too low but my BMR is 1330 so not much difference so I am sure I am eating OK, wish I could eat a lot more but that is a dangerous path for me 🙂

Hope everyone is well x

People say these things for a number of reasons. Some are shocked that the person has changed dramatically, and may look a bit unusual to them. Some wish it was themselves who had trimmed up, and some just don't like change.

When we drop weight, it rarely dribbles off the places we detest. It usually falls off the "good" bits, but our bodies do catch up.

I didn't have a lot of weight to drop, but my love handles melted away, but so did my bosom, and my face changed. I had similar feedback to you, but, and it is a BIG but, in my experience, even after I finished losing weight, my body shape continued to settle into what I and everyone else is used to now.

Be kind to yourself. You are making yourself healthier and folks will be used to you being a little different.

 

[gll]

Be kind to yourself. You are making yourself healthier and folks will be used to you being a little different.

Absolutely this!!!!!

I get all sorts with migraines and not always the same. Sometimes its the technicolour lines and dots, sometimes its full dead spots in vision, light sensitivity, auto sensitivity as well as the babble.
The only think I found to get on top of the stabbing pain is aspirin (soluble) dumped in a glass of coke. Doesn't stop the other stuff but it does deal with pain enough to be able to fall asleep which is always needed.

 

[Deleted member 21371]

Sorry didnt mean to post just then. I meant to share, I have just been out to meet up with my colleagues. we all work from home and meet up once every 6 weeks for a catch up and welfare check. I have been told by my boss not to lose any more weight as I am looking thin in the face...I am BMI 29, 12 stone and 5ft 4 - I want to lose another 3 stone, why is it people who are well meaning say this to you. I said to her, well I am not dieting as such I will probably lose weight just because I am eating lots of veg and cutting down on carbs regardless. I mean thats true isnt it, weight loss when you are overweight happens because you are eating correctly as opposed to under eating. I know 1200 a day may be too low but my BMR is 1330 so not much difference so I am sure I am eating OK, wish I could eat a lot more but that is a dangerous path for me 🙂

Hope everyone is well x

Not for me.
Strictly calories in calories out.
The only way I lose weight is by being in calorie deficit.
The same for any food group as well.
Possibly low carb makes you less hungry, so you eat less as a result, but still in a calorie deficit.

Keep at it, you are doing really well 🙂

 

[AndBreathe]

@Jenny65 - I meant to mention I know of a couple of people whose migraines stopped when they got their diabetes into a good place. One friend had had her headaches since puberty, and was maxed out on hospital prescribed meds. Now? No migraines for a few years and certainly no drugs.

Fingers crossed you can maybe replicate that.