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Husband older angry falling over and stubborn

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ElizabethJoan

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Relationship to Diabetes
Carer/Partner
I don’t know what to do. He is having regular hypos when he is confused and expects to be made better by me. I give him lucozade to get his blood sugar up as he relies on that or dextrose he eats less and less of my healthy home cooked food and chooses white bread biscuits and sweets instead.
He falls over at night and I can’t lift him or move him. It’s happening more and more. Two or three times a week. He is really tall and heavy and could easily smash his head. He won’t admit the truth to the diabetic nurse. He just wants to be told he’s managing his blood sugars ( they look good when averaged) He is often silent and angry with me. He drinks whisky and beer every day. If I try to talk about what’s happening he glares at me and says I just don’t want to care for him. I don’t really. He is just unpleasant to live with a lot of the time. There’s a lot more. I do my best to be there to help him but I feel like I just get the blame
I think when I post this people will think I ought to do more medically to help him - inject or check his blood sugars or make snacks for him which he really likes. I already feel my whole life - and the family’s life - revolves round his wants and needs and has done for years and years. It’s never enough
 
Hi @ElizabethJoan
Im so sorry to read about how tough this is for you. I certainly don’t think you ought to do more for him medically, it doesn’t sound like he’s been very receptive to your suggestions of help so far - so would he even want you to do that?
It really does sound like you’re trying all you can - he needs to talk to his team about his hypos and be honest with them about things like his diet and drinking, but you can only ask that he does this. As well as practical things they can also organise emotional support if he needs it.
Does he know how this is making you feel? And the wider family by the sounds of it?
What support do you have? Are you able to talk to anyone about how life is with the current situation? It sounds really tense and like a lot of hard work and its important that you have some mechanism to voice how you are feeling, it sounds like you are bearing up under a lot of strain.
I cant give you the answers to how to solve this, it sounds like you know what is causing the problems for your husband and maybe he does too. I’m glad you’ve found the forum though and I’m sure you’ll get some ideas of how you might move forward, either from other partners perspectives or from those who may have been in a similar place to your husband and can suggest what helped them.
You might also find it helpful to call the helpline to talk things over; 0345 123 2399 (mon-fri 9-6).
Stay in touch.
 
Hi @ElizabethJoan How stressful for you. I don’t think anyone wll say you have to put up with this. It’s not fair to you at all.

How old is your husband? Has he always been like this (ignoring his diabetes and having hypos?) or has something triggered this? You say he drinks - do you think that’s contributing?

I’d think the first thing to do is to try to talk to him - not accusing, just explaining how you feel, and try to get some explanation from him - eg is he depressed? Struggling with the diabetes?

Your next stop could be his GP or DSN. Let them know what’s happening and hopefully they can help support him.
 
It sounds like your husband is either in denial about his condition or not getting help to manage it properly. There is no reason why you should be expected to do everything for him, he's old enough to be able to manage it himself. If he was managing it properly then he shouldn't be having so many hypos, they should only be an occasional event. Would counselling help? Could you go with him to his check ups and see if you can work together to improve his control? Sorry I don't have anything better to suggest :(
 
Have you got any kids or other family who could a) talk to him and ask if he is aware how B difficult he's being and how much he's adversely affecting your life and b) ask him what his plans might be should you (eg) decide to leave him on his own?

I have no kids and only one cousin still alive who is approx 8 years older than me - but my OH's eldest daughter (my eldest step daughter) would certainly do that for me - unless her own eldest daughter got here to do it first.
 
No solution I am afraid but I know just how frustrating it is to care for somebody who cannot help themselves. I feel for you.

Can I suggest you think about contacting Carer Services in the area in which you live. The quality of carer services is a bit of a postcode lottery but some are very good and may be able to open up avenues to for both you and your partner to get access to the services you both need.
 
I’m another one without a solution but I wanted to say that you’re welcome to come here and vent. Hopefully our collective wisdom will help in some way.

For the record it sounds like you’re doing too much rather than not enough and it sounds like he’s quite a long way in denial. I’ve found framing difficult conversations with the “when you say/do X, what I hear is Y and it makes me think/feel Z” really useful. It takes away the risk of just blaming the other person and explains how their actions impact us.

As I said, come back and vent here as it’s really useful and it’s a good thing to do for your own health.
 
Oh bless you that sounds so difficult. He sounds like maybe he’s depressed. Would he speak to his doctor? As an adult he is responsible for his own actions and management with your support but not with you taking responsibility for him.

Is he type 1 or type 2?
 
sounds like you need to use some reverse psychology,tough love or move out.
 
I think you will only get sympathy here. Members of the forum who are diabetic are here to improve their management whereas your husband is clearly in denial from what you have said and is foisting his responsibility onto you. His diabetes team should be looking at how many hypos he is having and how low they are not just his HbA1c result although I am guessing he might not be testing when he is low, just drinking the Lucozade you give him and muddling on.

This is a totally unacceptable situation that he is putting you in and even if it stems from mental health problems like depression, he needs to seek help. An education course like DAFNE or Desmond might be of benefit but only if you could get him to attend and his team to put him forward but at the moment these courses are all on hold due to Covid-19 and he doesn't sound self motivated enough to do an online course.

He really needs to want things to improve and you might have to give him an ultimatum to prompt action. The problems with that is that you have to be prepared to carry out whatever action you threaten. He probably has no idea how frightening it is for you having to deal with these episodes as he will be so out of it he will have little memory, particularly if he is drinking alcohol.

I wish I could wave a magic wand for you or make some useful suggestion, but like the others, all I can say is that we are here to listen and support you in any way we can.

Take care X
 
So sorry to hear about what you are going through @ElizabethJoan

It sounds like you both need a lot more support.

Possible help with depression, denial, alcoholism and lack of self-management education for your husband

Perhaps counselling, carers support and couple’s/relationship counselling for you.

I really feel for you both. And hope there is some brightness on the horizon for you both.

It must be extremely worrying and distressing for you to see your husband acting like this and having this many severe hypos (I sincerely hope he doesn’t drive). This level of hypoglycaemia does carry very real and serious risk to life, health and brain function - so he really does need to help himself as soon as possible, even if he has convinced himself that this is just what T1 is like - it ISN’T!
 
Not it isn't - I’d just like to add, my mum has been T1 for 53 years, and in all that time there have been just 3 occasions when she went so low that my dad had to help her. The rest of the time she has just dealt with it herself. I really hope that you or someone else can help your husband to see that he needs help and that diabetes does not have to be how it is for you :(
 
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