Help needed please my 11 year old daughter is stealing and hiding food

[Ash]

Please can someone give me some advice? I am at my wits end.
In Feb 2015 my daughter was diagnosed with type 1, she is on the basal/bolus regime.
A few weeks ago I went into her bedroom for something and I found enough food and packaging to fill a carrier bag in one of her drawers. Then that night I went back into her room and filled a black bag with rotten food and packaging. For months she has been taking her insulin at lunchtime but not eating her packed lunch, yet she has been very clever and compensated it with eating what I call the nice things like biscuits and sweets to keep her BM's steady. She has a packed lunch every day and I put a list in with all the foods, the individual item's carbs and the total carb amount. She knows that when she puts the carb amount into her machine and it tells her how much insulin to give that she has to eat all the food. The machine also works out correction doses if needed.
School was informed they now watch her take her insulin and eat her lunch. The school also has a hypo/snack box in the office which she is eating her way through daily to keep her going. School was phoning me saying the box was empty and I was giving her food to replenish it but it never got to the office, she had eaten a nearly a whole packet of digestive biscuits in two days I found the packet in her school bag!! She is in Year 7 and now segregated at lunchtime so they can monitor her. The diabetes team in my area have been fantastic, they even went into school and did a talk to her friends. She has been referred for counselling now ( just waiting on an appointment) as she has no explanation why she is doing it. I have never sugar coated anything to do with diabetes with her and she is totally aware of all the risks.
In my mind she is very very lucky not to have made herself seriously ill.
Today is Boxing Day and we have gone into her room again and found loads of sweet wrappers, she has taken to hiding things behind wardrobes now and in places where you wouldn't think to look. She has openly admitted to stealing food from the kitchen. I do not deprive her of treats at all, she gets puddings and chocolate so that is not an excuse!!
As a mum I am at my wits end knowing what to do now. All I want to do is keep her safe.
Any advice is appreciated

 

[AlisonM]

I don't know what to advise, you're already referred for counselling which is what she really needs so that all of you can work out what's driving this. I think otherwise, you're doing everything possible and hard as it is to do, you can only wait till that appointment comes through.

 

[HOBIE]

Ash you must be worried. I was diagnosed at the age of 3, in the 60s. I would put it down to a form of rebellion. Hopefully a bit time will sort the problem out but I can remember being/doing that. I hate sweet things now & would not thank you for them. Really good luck & keep asking 🙂

 

[Copepod]

Welcome to the forum, Ash. I don't have any suggestions beyond what you are already doing. I hope that the counselling sessions will help your daughter to cope more appropriately with her situation.

 

[Robin]

When I was in my teens, I had a phase when I bought sweets and chocolate on the way home from school, and stole food from the larder at home. I put on a lot of weight, and was thoroughly miserable as a result. When I left home for Uni, I stopped doing it, lost the weight, and never did it again. I wasn't diabetic at the time, but my mother was very controlling. I have come to the conclusion that food was the only thing that I could control and my mother couldn't, but I couldn't have told you that at the time. So it occurs to me that maybe it's a reaction to the fact that so much of her life has to be controlled, in order to control her blood sugars.( I'm not pointing fingers here, it's just how it has had to be) I could be wrong. Hopefully counselling will get to the bottom of the problem, whatever it turns out to be,

 

[HOBIE]

When I was in my teens, I had a phase when I bought sweets and chocolate on the way home from school, and stole food from the larder at home. I put on a lot of weight, and was thoroughly miserable as a result. When I left home for Uni, I stopped doing it, lost the weight, and never did it again. I wasn't diabetic at the time, but my mother was very controlling. I have come to the conclusion that food was the only thing that I could control and my mother couldn't, but I couldn't have told you that at the time. So it occurs to me that maybe it's a reaction to the fact that so much of her life has to be controlled, in order to control her blood sugars.( I'm not pointing fingers here, it's just how it has had to be) I could be wrong. Hopefully counselling will get to the bottom of the problem, whatever it turns out to be,

Agree Robin. Its something I cant explain but it is a form of rebellion. I would employ any T1 because I know they can be very stubborn & will do a job to best. 🙂

 

[trophywench]

A few years ago in my case - a counsellor I saw because I was off work with stress - from some answers I gave obviously, though I was clueless at the time - actually asked me 'Tell me Jen - who was the control freak in your house when you were growing up?' No idea Karen I replied - cos I hadn't. When I saw my sis (she lived in Australia, but we visited that year) I suddenly thought to ask her the question, after explaining how it arose. She actually spat out (literally spat, we all - also literally - jumped back) as the words 'Hah! - Mother of course!'

And whilst I have always had outbursts like that; she has never ever done it. And then reminded me of a LOT of things that had happened when we were kids, which I'd (all but) wiped from the memory banks. She was 4 years older than me - so I really think she must have suffered more than I did.

So - I do think it's a form of rebellion against the diabetes, plus of course - as parents you are on the side of the diabetes here, cos you have to be, aren't you? What a tricky balancing act for anyone to have to perform - I should think YOU need counselling too.

 

[Ash]

Ash you must be worried. I was diagnosed at the age of 3, in the 60s. I would put it down to a form of rebellion. Hopefully a bit time will sort the problem out but I can remember being/doing that. I hate sweet things now & would not thank you for them. Really good luck & keep asking 🙂

Thanks been told by diabetic team that it is a form of rebellion and she isn't the first and won't be the last, but that doesn't put my mind at rest because of the harm that could be done in the meantime. Fingers crossed the referral comes through quickly.

 

[Ash]

A few years ago in my case - a counsellor I saw because I was off work with stress - from some answers I gave obviously, though I was clueless at the time - actually asked me 'Tell me Jen - who was the control freak in your house when you were growing up?' No idea Karen I replied - cos I hadn't. When I saw my sis (she lived in Australia, but we visited that year) I suddenly thought to ask her the question, after explaining how it arose. She actually spat out (literally spat, we all - also literally - jumped back) as the words 'Hah! - Mother of course!'

And whilst I have always had outbursts like that; she has never ever done it. And then reminded me of a LOT of things that had happened when we were kids, which I'd (all but) wiped from the memory banks. She was 4 years older than me - so I really think she must have suffered more than I did.

So - I do think it's a form of rebellion against the diabetes, plus of course - as parents you are on the side of the diabetes here, cos you have to be, aren't you? What a tricky balancing act for anyone to have to perform - I should think YOU need counselling too.

Yeah I do agree in a way about the control, I do very much have tight control over her diabetes but that is only for her sake to keep her well and safe. Everyone in family, the school and my daughter look to me for advice; I cook the meals, I count the carbs, I make the decisions on snacks, I change the ratio's as needed, I am the only one trained for glycogen inj and I have to give advice when she has hypo's or hyper's, I have to be in control.
As she grows older I will pass more control on to her because this is her condition and she will have to self manage it. I am hoping that by adopting best practices from the start she will carry these on. I totally understand that she is at an age where she wants more independence and I probably "risk assess" everything too much but it's for her health and safety I do this.
Everyone seems to panic when she has a hyper/hypo!

 

[HOBIE]

I can say defiantly no body has ever been in control of me . As I have said in the past T1s are a breed by them selves & I would employ 99.9% of them because of there determination to survive. It may take a bit time but if we can help pls let us know 🙂 (ps u try telling TW she is wrong ). Very determined lady.

 

[AndBreathe]

As the most determined person in Determine Town, the capital of DeterminedLand, I can identify with your daughter. I'm not T1, but do empathise with the challenges you and your family face.

Have you considered lunch/snack planning with your daughter and allowing her to control that meal and at least some of the snacks? Once she has control over it, she may soon appreciate how nice it is for someone else to do the thinking, calculating and so on. That way you could be involved in some discussion, actually have a clue about what's going on, and not have so much waste?

When I was diagnosed T2, my OH, who is chief cook in our household, told me that as I was the one having to make changes to diet, and his knowledge of the condition was limited (He thought mine was any better at the beginning?!!? :O ), I had to decide what we ate, and he would cook it, as usual. After a short while, I can't describe how tiresome all that decision making became! We're now in a much better place, in terms of what I can/do eat is concerned, so more like share the decision making/meal planning now.

A few weeks ago, my OH came home after several months overseas (I had come home a short while before him), so I said to him he should make all the meal choices, in order to satisfy himself of the things we inevitably miss, and can't get, when we're away. It took only a few days before he wanted to share again.

That would be the first thing I would do. If your daughter is bright and able to carb count (via her meter), and adjust her regime, then for a while at least it could be worth a whirl?

 

[Redkite]

What do her friends eat? It's hard at secondary to eat a balanced meal at lunchtime if your friends don't. My son's school has break at 11am and lunch at 1.25 - his friends all eat "lunch" at the 11am break, when the canteen serves bacon paninis and cheese croissants. That frees them up to play computer games at lunchtimes instead of having to join the lengthy lunch queue! My (type 1) son has a packed lunch which he does eat at lunchtime, and sometimes one of his friends will buy a cake or cookie and sit with him.

 

[AlisonM]

AndBreathe could be onto something there. Involving your daughter in decisions about food and letting her do the calculations for herself (under your supervision) might serve to give her a feeling of being in control.

I wasn't diabetic as a child but did have several chronic conditions that were hard to control. I grew up in an era when children were not normally consulted about anything regarding their care and as a result, I had a very hard time coping because most of the time I had no clue what was happening - it was very scary. Indeed, I was often sent out of the room when consultants discussed my care with mum. It's turned me into a control freak of the highest order, I flatly refuse to hand over the least amount of control these days and won't take anyone's word for anything.

What I'm trying to say is, I guess your daughter is feeling helpless and doesn't really know what's going on, so involving her more might help her take 'ownership' of her diabetes. It's certainly worth considering.

 

[trophywench]

Well - Hobie's right about me anyway! LOL (Though to be fair, if you can actually PROVE that I'm wrong - then I most certainly will apologise. I have done so today about 10 minutes ago actually! LOL) (It's a tad worrying actually, cos Hobie has also just plainly told me in saying what he did - that I seem to be turning into my mom. Aaarrgghh!! Must try harder not to .....)

I think what has been suggested about trusting her to take more control is not only a good one for her - it might possibly be a good one for you too I think?

It's blooming hard - accepting diabetes into your life I mean. Oh yes, people get things that last them all their lives, fair enough, we know that. But when it's ME - that is entirely different! That's not supposed to happen - who can I blame for this? Surely there must be someone who should be punished for it? Are you - my mom/dad going to let 'them' get away with doing this to me? I'm sure that's not how parents/teachers/ doctors/nurses/ adults in general are supposed to behave? As Lauren would have said - how very DARE you all?

Have you ever read 'The Five Stages of Grief' ? http://www.businessballs.com/elisabeth_kubler_ross_five_stages_of_grief.htm

What stages have both of you reached, d'you think?

 

[KookyCat]

Hi Ash
I also think AndBreathe may be on to something. I'm not an expert but I was the owner of an eating disorder myself, and because of that I volunteer with a group for youngsters with eating disorders. It's very complicated but generally the focus on food, whether it's binging or purging is nothing to do with food and also nothing to do with taking control away from parents. It's usually because they're very overwhelmed, and need to take control of something to feel safe. The conflict around food ironically makes them feel safer because their parents tend to tighten the reigns rather than relax them. The psychologists who work there generally advise taking the conflict out of the situation with food. Letting her have a bit more control of the snacks and lunches may well diffuse the situation at least until you get the chance to get to the counselling. Could you maybe get her involved in meal planning and get her to carb count the meals, with a view to her taking more shared responsibility for the meal? I'm not suggesting this will solve the problem, just that it might take the conflict out of the situation for now. I do hope you get some more help soon, it must be very worrying.

The one thing I will say though, and this might sound odd, but I think it's positive that she's taking insulin for the "treats". Okay so it's not ideal that she's missing bits of lunch and topping up, because it's not the healthiest strategy in the world, but and its a very positive but, she does know how important it is to have insulin, and she's showing you she can be flexible with her food intake. I think she's showing you that she has the right base to increase her skills. You've shown her the importance of matching insulin to food and she's clearly picked that up. It might be something to work with?