Help needed caring for elderly diabetic parent who has given up

[queenbee01]

Has anyone got any suggestions. My sister and I are carers for our 73 year old mum. Mum has type 2 diabetes and is insulin dependant. She has never accepted her diabetes (had it for about 38 years) and until Dad died nearly 3 years ago, was not taking her medication. (since then, we have managed to get a district nurse to call in the mornings to monitor her to make sure she takes her morning meds and my sister and her husband to the eveing ones.)
Mum is a very difficult person to deal with normally in as much as her aptitude is and always has been "My way or the high way" and believes that she should be left to live her life as she sees fit.
We appreciate that we have to respect mums wishes, but if we left her to her own devises she would have been sectioned or hospitalised months ago from self neglect.
Mum lives in a sugar endused high every day because she will not try to control her blood sugars or what she eats and as a result has suffered several associated illnesses that are a direct link to her own lack of care with her blood sugars being off the meter more often than not.
Just as an example of the latest situation we find ourselves in, mum has re accurring bouts of Diverticulitus again caused by her poor diet. My poor sister went up to Mums house tonight to do her evening meal and give her her evening medication. She found mum in bed, fully clothed. She had messed the bed and her clothing and was sitting in it, waiting for my sister to arrive so my sister could change her bed clothes, put her clothes in the wasing machine and tidy up the mess.
Mum is perfectly capable of looking after herself, but chooses not to. We have had her tested for dementia and mild cognitive impairment but the doctors say there is nothing wrong with her. She is on anti depressants, but has been for years. and the doctors say there is nothing wrong with her that she is perfectly capable of looking after her self but she just chooses not too. The district nurses are angry with mum and see her as a time waster and keep threatening to withdraw their services because they say mum is perfectly capable of taking her own medicine and doing her own injections (which she does, she just wont do it unless someone is there to tell her too.) and the doctors just say let her do what she wants. The problem is, mum will not take responsability for her actions or her own day to day care and expects my sister and I to do everything for her.
As much as we'd like to, we cant, both of us work long hours and have families of our own to care for and can only provide care on a daily basis, but the more we do for her, the less she does for herself.
My sister is exhausted because she is at the moment running her own home and family and Mums home and mum.
We live 46 miles apart and I take over mums care in the winter months because I work in the leisure industry in the summer months and can not afford to take time out and care as much as I would like to with my sister because we only have a 6 month trading year. I feel guilty that I cant be there more to help my sister and we both feel upset and angry with mum because she just will not do anything for herself. She has decided that shes going to sit back and let everyone else do everything for her and it's causing real problems and hardship for my sister, who is exhausted from trying to cope with caring for mum.
Does anyone know who we can go to for help and advice on how to care for an elderly person who has basically given up on everything and beleives its her childrens job to look after her every need.

 

[Copepod]

A very difficult situation, all round, with no easy answers, and perhaps no answers at all. So, first of all, I'd like to offer sympathy to you and your family, although that's not particularly helpful, I know.

It sounds like your mother has survived 38 years of type 2 diabetes, presumably not insulin dependent right from the beginning, with so she perhaps there are 2 phases of non acceptance of diagnosis, then insulin? Or perhaps, having "suffered several associated illnesses that are a direct link to her own lack of care", she now thinks there's no point affecting her desire to avoid injections / medication, plus eat whatever she likes?

Can I ask a few questions, which may or may not lead to useful / practical suggestions?

What happened after your Dad's death 3 years ago that meant your Mum started to take her medication? More input from your and your sister, I guess, rather than her own decision?

How would your mother react to reminders to take medication by landline or mobile phone call, so that district nurses didn't have to go to her house each morning and your sister or you each evening?

How about frozen or fresh ready meals delivered to her house for microwaving, either by supermarket internet shopping service or by a specialist company eg Wiltshire Farm Foods? If you or your sister selected only low carbohydrate meals, she might avoid some of her carbohydrate / sugar intake.

Can she get out of her house alone to a food shop?

As you say, if it weren't for your input, "she would have been hospitalised months ago from self neglect", but perhaps you have to give her an ultimatum, say 1 week with no help from daughters, and let her see what happens.

 

[Twitchy]

Hiya. You really have my sympathy, that's a terribly difficult situation. Have you tried speaking to Age Concern, in case they have any useful suggestions? Other than that I don't know what to say, but from an outsider's view it looks like your mum is either extremely depressed & like you say has given up (could the gp review her antidepressants? Maybe they need to change, & high sugar levels will not help her mental state, it's a viscious spiral)...or the other possibility (please forgive me being blunt) is that your mum is lonely, & is deliberately manipulating the situation & her daughters in order to get the company/support she wants?! Did she get any bereavement support when your dad died? I'm just thinking that it must be grim being elderly, bereaved & ill & when you're in a down spiral it's sometimes easier (however irrational or unreasonable) to just shovel all the responsibility on to someone else. For what it's worth, I think this situation is very unfair on you & your sister & I can relate to the strain your sister must be feeling with her own kids to deal with too. The only other thing I can think of is have you tried speaking to social services? Wishing you all the best, Twitchy xx

 

[spiritfree]

Hello. This sounds exactly the same situation that me and my sister were in. Have you tried to get her assessed by social services. They were a real godsend to us. A social worker was sorted out and she was great. When assessed, with our input, mom got 4 carers a day and the social worker told us to take a step back and not to go in to her every day. This was difficult as I live in the same lane as mom. Carers gave medication, done in blisterpacks from chemist, did meals and got her up and helped her to bed. We know full well that she could do it herself but just wanted me and my sister there all the time. She used to fall over, and need ambulance, every time we were going out for a day or holiday, to try and stop us going. Unfortunatley mom died earlier this year. I hope this helps you a little. Pm me if you need details of who to contact for help.

 

[queenbee01]

Mum, certainly does now think, she's lived this long, what's all the fuss. when mum was first diagnosed she was on oral tablets, but within a year, mum was on insulin and tablets, because she refused to take her meds. Before Dad died, we thought everything was fine that mum was taking her meds and doing her injections, but when Dad became ill, we had to take over for him. We found boxes and boxes of medication and old insulin pens hidden all over he place. It was a surprise to us but not to Dad, he said that he realised that even though he reminded mum constantly to take her medication, she go out of the room and come back 10 minutes later saying she had taken her meds, when clearly she had'nt. That's why after Dad died, we started giving her, her meds and standing in front of her while she took them and later, we managed to get a district nurse in to do the morning injection and meds. Mum is capable of taking her meds and doing her own injection, she just refuses too.

We have tried telephone reminders but they proved to be most unsuccessful, again, she goes off and comes back minutes later saying she's taken them, but when one of us goes up there the next time, the tablets are all still in her dosset boxes. We've even found tablets hidden down the side of her chair and even stuck to her socks! where she has hidden them in her sock and forgotten they are their and we've discovered them when we do her washing!

Every couple of weeks I order Wiltshire Farm Foods. they are fantastic meals and always delivered on time. We put them in the freezer. Trouble is, even even though we get one out every day and give her a cooked eveing meal, mum is able to get out and go to the village shop and buys all manner of really bad foods and then sits there stuffing her face all day.
we started taking all the cakes and biscuits away and throwing them in the bin, but now we have found that she has started to hide food in her bedroom, particularly chocolates and sweets, so we gave up that idea as we were finding that mum was getting really inventive at hiding the contraband and then weeks later a mouldy cake would turn up in her knicker drawer.

I'd happily leave mum for a week on her own and let her sort herself out, but my sister won't do it. The problem with mum is that she knows she will win in the end because washing up piles up in the sink and then she uses dirty plates because she wont wash up. we had to de-commission her dish washer because she kept putting dirty crockery in and taking it out dirty and using it. When we told her off about doing that, she'd say, Oh I thought it was clean! The kitchen stank and became a health hazzard. Mum know's that we wont let her live in a dirty messy house and she's not bothered either way, so no matter how long we leave her to her own devices, she will have a ball and leave everything for us to clear up when we come back. If we ask mum to try and clear up after her self or she tells us off for doing her house work, we say we have to do it because you won't and her stock answer is always
"well I never ask you to."

We know mum is perfectly capable of looking after her self, because when our brother visits, she does hoover and miracles of miracles, she even tries to cook him a meal. The worst thing that happened there was that when our brother visited in the begining, he thought we were lieing because he always saw mum dressed smartly, house looking clean and tidy. Now his visits are a regular thing, he has seen with his own eyes that it was all show. It caused such a lot of heart ache trying to get our brother and younger sister to beleive us. Thankfully they have both seen what our eldest sister has to put up with on a daily basis and have started to play a more active role in mums care. It's just Mum and I use that word without emotion or feeling, because we have realised that apart from being our birth mother, none of us actually like her and find it difficult spending more than a couple of days with her, because she can be such an "Cow" (sorry if some of you find that offensive, but you have no idea!)[/COLOR]

A very difficult situation, all round, with no easy answers, and perhaps no answers at all. So, first of all, I'd like to offer sympathy to you and your family, although that's not particularly helpful, I know.

It sounds like your mother has survived 38 years of type 2 diabetes, presumably not insulin dependent right from the beginning, with so she perhaps there are 2 phases of non acceptance of diagnosis, then insulin? Or perhaps, having "suffered several associated illnesses that are a direct link to her own lack of care", she now thinks there's no point affecting her desire to avoid injections / medication, plus eat whatever she likes?

Can I ask a few questions, which may or may not lead to useful / practical suggestions?

What happened after your Dad's death 3 years ago that meant your Mum started to take her medication? More input from your and your sister, I guess, rather than her own decision?
How would your mother react to reminders to take medication by landline or mobile phone call, so that district nurses didn't have to go to her house each morning and your sister or you each evening?

How about frozen or fresh ready meals delivered to her house for microwaving, either by supermarket internet shopping service or by a specialist company eg Wiltshire Farm Foods? If you or your sister selected only low carbohydrate meals, she might avoid some of her carbohydrate / sugar intake.

Can she get out of her house alone to a food shop?

As you say, if it weren't for your input, "she would have been hospitalised months ago from self neglect", but perhaps you have to give her an ultimatum, say 1 week with no help from daughters, and let her see what happens.

 

[Barb3234]

This is an awful situation and totally unfair on you and your family.

Could you consider a family conference, including your brother as she seems to care more what he thinks. Let her see, clearly how you all feel, what improvements need making and a timescale that would be reasonable. If she makes an effort then great, but if she doesn't then you have to start putting you and your own family first. I know that is easy for me to say but you are getting no thanks for what you are doing and eventually you will be ill and then what?

Every day is a day of your life too, you deserve peace and happiness and this situation must be draining you of all hope of that.

I wish you all the luck in the world sorting this out but think you may have to accept that distancing yourselves is the only real option.

 

[queenbee01]

Mums self funding, so its a no go

HI! we got mum assessed by the social services, it was agreed that mum did need help but because she has savings over what they are allowed, they class mum as being self funding. Our problem is two fold. 1) no matter what we try to organise, Mum thinks there is no problem and turns any help we manage to arrange away. 2) Mum is 73, her Mum died when she was 83, just supposing mum lives that long, we are going to need every penny of mums savings to fund her future care. At the moment we are elligable for nothing because of this and it makes it really hard for my sister because shes not getting the support she needs.

Hello. This sounds exactly the same situation that me and my sister were in. Have you tried to get her assessed by social services. They were a real godsend to us. A social worker was sorted out and she was great. When assessed, with our input, mom got 4 carers a day and the social worker told us to take a step back and not to go in to her every day. This was difficult as I live in the same lane as mom. Carers gave medication, done in blisterpacks from chemist, did meals and got her up and helped her to bed. We know full well that she could do it herself but just wanted me and my sister there all the time. She used to fall over, and need ambulance, every time we were going out for a day or holiday, to try and stop us going. Unfortunatley mom died earlier this year. I hope this helps you a little. Pm me if you need details of who to contact for help.

 

[queenbee01]

we try, but its not easy

In the begining, both our older brother and younger sister stuck their heads in the sand and ignored the problems our older sister was having. Eventually we did manage to get together (Not easy as one of them lives the other side of the UK and the other lives abroad.) We managed to get a care rosta made up where each of us "baby sits" mother to give our eldest sister a break. Trouble is, still Mum, she thinks there is not a problem and we are all over reacting. we have tried so many different ways of getting mum to start taking an active role in her own care, but she is determined that she is going to sit back and do nothing and that us kids will do her bidding. Its no different to how she behaved when we were kids. The only difference now is that we have families of our own and at last are begining to see her for what she really is.
My problem is that though I could quiet happily walk away from mum and let her get on with it, I cant abandon my sister. I will support her to the bitter end. I'm also a type 2 diabetic and I know its not an easy illness to look after. My sister also has health issues and I worry for her health and well being. I just do not know what to do with mum or my sister. When Dad died nearly 3 years ago she promised Dad she would take care of mum!
Thank you for your kind words. Just wish there was a big enough rubber in the world to scrub over the "Mother" situation.

This is an awful situation and totally unfair on you and your family.

Could you consider a family conference, including your brother as she seems to care more what he thinks. Let her see, clearly how you all feel, what improvements need making and a timescale that would be reasonable. If she makes an effort then great, but if she doesn't then you have to start putting you and your own family first. I know that is easy for me to say but you are getting no thanks for what you are doing and eventually you will be ill and then what?

Every day is a day of your life too, you deserve peace and happiness and this situation must be draining you of all hope of that.

I wish you all the luck in the world sorting this out but think you may have to accept that distancing yourselves is the only real option.

 

[grufflybear]

This brings back such memories of the difficulty I had with my mum, she refused to take any notice of her diabetes. Her own younger brother died and was also diabetic but my mum just seem to figure she was already 80 odd and had outlived him so whatever the doctor said she would be miserable without the cakes, puds and biscuits which my father continued to buy for her because it kept her happy. Medications were not taken and the testing device gathered dust. Mum eventually became almost blind and regularly had episodes when she was too confused to look after herself.

When my father died a regime of care visits began but they never seemed to be able to sort out her medication, she refused to see doctors. My brother and I were able to visit and sometimes stay the night with her, but as soon as she was alone she fell apart and regularly dialled 999 to say she was alone and had got stuck on the loo or whatever and nobody ever visited her.... on one occasion this happened when I was actually only next door being given a meal by a neighbour as a break ! I saw the ambulance and was given a lecture by the crew about leaving her alone. Sometimes I thought some very unpleasant things about dear mum but I tried very hard to understand that it wasn't her fault and held my tongue !

Anyway, I guess I am saying that I can empathise with the difficulties you are having, it was near impossible to persuade mother to take her diabetes seriously - sadly the blunt truth is that in the end it was only managed very well with 24 hour care in a nursing home. My mum had developed dementia but she was also very ill from out of control blood sugar, in the home she was like a new person, she still had dementia and any number of health issues but with her diet and medication managed she was in a much better state than the last sad time at home. The tension was gone too and we had many lovely visits when she often seemed almost her old self.

It sounds awful to say it but as long as she was at home she was "in charge" and would refuse doctor visits, even though she was happy enough to summon an ambulance when she wanted. Family only really finally got any help because mum's constant 999 calls got social services involved.

My own work was disrupted and I am self employed so I was left in financial difficulties, mother complained to all and sundry that I lived too far away when it was she who had moved ! On reflection I wish somebody had told me to be little more selfish but to this day I still feel guilty that mum had to live in residential care. Perhaps if she had taken care of her diabetes mum would have remained at home much longer but she just wouldn't do it.

So you are not alone in your dilemma ( I am sure you realise that )

The trouble is that as long as someone is basically independant there is little anyone can do to force them to acknowledge and follow treatment for a diabetes, just as you can't force someone with bad heart to give up a fat fuelled burger based diet. That might sound a bit defeatist but if you feel you are reaching the end of your tether having done everything you can and she still wont help then it's time to look after yourself, you will feel guilty but you probably will whatever happens.