Having a bit of a "Can't cope" day.

[rebrascora]

Well, after having a lovely omelette and salad for breakfast yesterday and keeping my levels pretty nicely in range most of the day, I lost my way mentally last night before dinner and couldn't get my head around even basic stuff, although I did eventually get out of the house and feed and muck out the horses sometime between midnight and 2am. Not had anything to eat other than a couple of cups of coffee since my omelette and quite enjoying not feeling hungry but worried that once I do eat something, I will lose control and binge. I know the longer I leave it, the worse it will be, but that is not helping.
I had a few anxiety attacks last night and just couldn't cope with the whole issue of deciding what to cook and calculating doses and perhaps even an element of potentially spoiling my nice "in range" readings of the day. Ticking along on basal seems like a simple option although I still needed 2 units of Fiasp for DP this morning.

I love food too much for this to go on for any length of time, so whilst I joked to my partner that I am on hunger strike, it is not in itself a big issue, but I think I just need some time out from the daily grind of food and insulin calculations, which on top of the current mental strain of the pandemic, is feeling like the last straw.

 

[Toucan]

Hello @rebrascora, so sorry to hear that you are having such a difficult day.

You give so much kindness and help to others on the forum, I wish that I could wave a 'magic wand' and give you a holiday from living with diabetes.
Sadly I can't! Neither can I offer any advice, as I am sure that you know far more than me about how to cope.
I know though that the implementation sometimes does feel like too big a burden to carry.
It is not easy to break the loop of feeling like this, but maybe try to focus on all the great steps you have achieved in dealing with your diabetes over the last year, and how much better that has made you feel.
Hope things improve soon.

 

[rebrascora]

Thanks so much Kay for your very kind words.
Pleased to report that I have eventually managed to drag myself into the shower and washed my hair and even put a bit of makeup on, to see if that will perk me up and think I am feeling a bit better....Haven't worn make up for weeks!

I also had to have something to eat as my BG was getting to the low end of the range, so I have had a Protein bar, eating it over the space of an hour just to keep me above 4. I was worried that I would start eating and not stop but eating it slowly and steadily and drinking plenty of water is helping me keep control.... which I think is probably the issue.... I need to have control of something and my eating and consequent BG levels feel like one of the few things that I can hold the reins on at the moment.
Such a glorious day out there and so much work to do but my head is in a spin and I can't focus on anything..... still I have had a shower and made myself presentable and that is the first step.

Hope you are able to enjoy the sunshine.

 

[Robin]

It feels relentless sometimes, doesn’t it, @rebrascora. No 'days off' and just at the moment, not much to take our minds off it. Don’t be too hard on yourself chasing perfect numbers. I remember when I had my kids, the health visitor said to me, you’ve got to be a good enough mother, not a perfect one. I try and treat my diabetes like that. My results have got to be good enough, they don’t need to be perfect. (my kids seem to have turned out Ok, now they’re adult, btw!)
Give your horses a pat from me! I’m missing riding at the mo, our stables are closed, and I have to be content with the odd photo the owner puts up of all the horses enjoying life in the field.

 

[Drummer]

I have two fridges and so I keep all the things which have been opened in the one closest to my work station - I just realised how useful that is. I open the door and can assemble bits from the packets which are open, I put the beetroots left from the packet in a bowl in there, a knife in the butter drawer - leftovers go in there, and any eggs in there are hard boiled already, the raw ones are in the front fridge.
Could you arrange something like that for yourself, so that the easiest food to access is what you should be eating? When you do want to eat, it will be there and waiting.

 

[rebrascora]

Thanks for your words of wisdom Robin.
Sadly my BG numbers are usually far from perfect but something snapped last night and whereas pre diagnosis I would have comfort eaten to get through it, I seem to have gone the other way because I know that I can't afford to stuff my face with chocolate and rubbish anymore and because it is 2 weeks since I went shopping, I am running out of low carb treats, so it is an all or nothing situation. I need to get psych myself up to make a big proper meal which will satisfy me and be nutritious but that seems like a bit of a mountain to climb and I have so many things I need to do first re horses and chickens.
Having battled mental health issues for many years I know that I just need to give it time and it will pass and everything will come back into perspective but really appreciate your support in just reaching out to me.

Rebel and Rascal send big soppy kisses back to you. Cora and MeMe are a little more reserved unless you are offering something more than a pat!
They are all desperate to go out but there is no grass left in the field and they were pushing at fences so had to bring them back in. They have the run of the farm yard along with their stable and are happy to mug people as they pass the gate to go to the shop (they are located in the centre of the village and people come from all over to bring them apples and carrots... they are a local attraction), so they are not desperately restricted but will be ready for a good old hooley when I am eventually able to let them back out.


Here they are waiting for their next victim to come past and charm some goodies out of them.
Left to right... Rascal (22yrs), Cora their mother (28yrs), MeMe the baby sister (now 10yrs) and Rebel, Cora's first born and the oldest brother at 23yrs.

As you say, it is difficult to talk about anything other than the C word but finding a photo and writing about my beasties has helped... thank you..... and sorry to tease you with another horsey photo.

 

[Robin]

Aww, thank you, they all look very sweet. (funny how they can all produce a butter wouldn’t melt expression if they think a treat might be forthcoming!).
This is me on the last lesson I had before lockdown. Zubie, is 21, (which is good going for a TBx) so neither of us are spring chickens. (I’ve only just got back to full fitness after doing my ribs in January). He went off his jumping a bit last year, but he bounced back this spring. I worry that he’s getting bit arthritic and won’t come back fully after the layoff, though.

 

[rebrascora]

I have two fridges and so I keep all the things which have been opened in the one closest to my work station - I just realised how useful that is. I open the door and can assemble bits from the packets which are open, I put the beetroots left from the packet in a bowl in there, a knife in the butter drawer - leftovers go in there, and any eggs in there are hard boiled already, the raw ones are in the front fridge.
Could you arrange something like that for yourself, so that the easiest food to access is what you should be eating? When you do want to eat, it will be there and waiting.

I appreciate the thought Drummer but part of my problem is that I live between 2 homes with my horses in between. I am keeping very little food at home because I am eating/sleeping mostly at my partner's house, but I have been mentally isolating since yesterday as I can't cope with anyone being in my space when I am like this, so stuck down at home with very little food, although plenty of eggs because chickens are down here and a fridge full of meat and veggies waiting to be cooked at his place! Arrgh!

 

[NotWorriedAtAll]

Sometimes (and I know my situation is loads less challenging than yours) I can't get my head round what to eat because of overwhelm from anxiety, ptsd and stress and on days like that I have been known to eat nothing but boiled eggs all day for every meal. I like boiled eggs and I might have them soft boiled for breakfast, cold hard boiled for lunch and then scrambled or fried for evening meal. It keeps me on track for numbers and it is okay for one day I think.

 

[Deleted member 25429]

Well, after having a lovely omelette and salad for breakfast yesterday and keeping my levels pretty nicely in range most of the day, I lost my way mentally last night before dinner and couldn't get my head around even basic stuff, although I did eventually get out of the house and feed and muck out the horses sometime between midnight and 2am. Not had anything to eat other than a couple of cups of coffee since my omelette and quite enjoying not feeling hungry but worried that once I do eat something, I will lose control and binge. I know the longer I leave it, the worse it will be, but that is not helping.
I had a few anxiety attacks last night and just couldn't cope with the whole issue of deciding what to cook and calculating doses and perhaps even an element of potentially spoiling my nice "in range" readings of the day. Ticking along on basal seems like a simple option although I still needed 2 units of Fiasp for DP this morning.

I love food too much for this to go on for any length of time, so whilst I joked to my partner that I am on hunger strike, it is not in itself a big issue, but I think I just need some time out from the daily grind of food and insulin calculations, which on top of the current mental strain of the pandemic, is feeling like the last straw.

I’m having a week like that as well , high all week probably due to stress at work . Very low all day today . It really isn’t very easy controlling diabetes day after day . Big hugs x

 

[Drummer]

I have some of those brown earthenware pots, but I think any casserole dish would do - chop up some meat and veges, fry the meat a bit to brown it, and do some onions too, if you have any, toss into the pot with a little stock or gravy and cover with water, put on the lid and place in a warm oven for several hours, then you can let it cool and put it in the fridge, or the car if you are travelling - even if you eat the lot it would not be a disaster, but you could boil some eggs whilst it is heating up, and have a few as a first course. If you remember to carry food between the houses it might help as you always have something to hand.

 

[SB2015]

Thanks so much Kay for your very kind words.
Pleased to report that I have eventually managed to drag myself into the shower and washed my hair and even put a bit of makeup on, to see if that will perk me up and think I am feeling a bit better....Haven't worn make up for weeks!

I also had to have something to eat as my BG was getting to the low end of the range, so I have had a Protein bar, eating it over the space of an hour just to keep me above 4. I was worried that I would start eating and not stop but eating it slowly and steadily and drinking plenty of water is helping me keep control.... which I think is probably the issue.... I need to have control of something and my eating and consequent BG levels feel like one of the few things that I can hold the reins on at the moment.
Such a glorious day out there and so much work to do but my head is in a spin and I can't focus on anything..... still I have had a shower and made myself presentable and that is the first step.

Hope you are able to enjoy the sunshine.

Sorry to read that you have had a bad day yesterday, and still struggling this morning. Diabetes is indeed relentless and the associated endless tasks of counting carbs, calculating insulin, ...just doesn’t stop. I can also relate to the not wanting to muck up good levels and needing an element of control, although at times having to have that control can override all other things.

As @Robin says: and at times thankfully reminds me too, we do not need to be perfect, and actually that is impossible as a T1. Things will go up and down. The Diabetes Fairy decides to have a laugh at our expense. Do you remember @Northerner highlighting the numerous factors that we are juggling all the time. It is no wonder it is difficult, so to have had a day of good levels, well done. Enjoy the moment, but we know it cannot last. I remind myself of my consultant’s advice. Celebrate 60% of time in range. That is excellent.

You have managed today well, showered, dressed and done your face up. You have eaten when your levels were lower, and also kept your urself hydrated. Diabetes has no memory. Tomorrow is another day.

Take care and lots of (((((hugs))))))

 

[rebrascora]

Just to let you know, chucks and horses fed and mucked out and partner and I also well fed.... rib eye steak with mushrooms, cauliflower cheese a la Drummer, sweet potato, spring greens, leeks in cream cheese and carrots. Afraid I needed to be 3 sheets to the wind to get myself motivated, so there have been 2 small glasses of red wine and 2 rum and cokes consumed in the process, but I got there and I am still reasonably compus mentus even if spell check indicates I have got that wrongl I wasn't able to do Latin O'level at school because it clashed with physics, so that is my excuse.... along with the red wine!
Had dropped to 3.6 before eating but decided not to treat with hypo remedy because I break down carbs really quickly, so just jabbed 3 units of Fiasp and ate dinner, which has worked out fine, although had a tingly tongue whilst eating it, but enough alcohol in system not to worry about it too much!.... Naughty I know!
Currently back at home to put chucks away and then will be heading back up to the village to do evening stables and then I am done for the night, so a bit of fresh air and exercise after my dinner and hopefully I should be good by bed time.
Thanks guys for your support today. I am pretty confident (probably alcohol induced) that I will be back on form tomorrow!

Cheers (hic!) 😉 X

PS. @KARNAK.... Ted, where are you when I need a drinking partner??

 

[everydayupsanddowns]

Sorry you’ve been having a tough few days @rebrascora

Thanks for sharing it here, and good to hear that you are managing to make small positive steps and get a few things done.

Be kind to yourself. Sometimes doing what you can, is enough.

 

[rebrascora]

@Robin
Love the photo of Zubie. He is so smart and Wow, did someone get those clip lines straight!

 

[trophywench]

I certainly hope so Barbara.

 

[SB2015]

Good to hear that you are feeling better, whether alcohol induced or not.
I hope that you sleep well.

 

[Grannylorraine]

Sorry to hear you are struggling, I have had some really bad days as well so you are not alone. Just keep doing the best you can and accept there are going to be bad days.

Take care and sending you hugs.

 

[rebrascora]

Thanks so much everyone for the well wishes.
Pleased to report I am up and about and bright eyed and bushy tailed this morning .... albeit with a fasting reading of 3.3 but that was half expected with the alcohol I had on board. A bit embarrassing that I have no other ill effects from it at all and actually quite amazing when you think that I would have been laid up for the day with a migraine after drinking red wine pre diagnosis, but not even a thick head this morning and hypo easily fixed, so I have to remember that there have been some positives from this diabetes lark next time I get into that "Can't cope" frame of mind.

Really appreciate everyone's support yesterday. It means such a lot to know there is such a great team of people who are there for me when I need them and understand how I feel. XX

 

[Tee G]

Hi @rebrascora - So sorry to hear you were having a horrid time, but its allowed! You go ahead and have a melt down, nothing wrong with that, Its a good way of releasing tension.

Ive blown my top in the past, over some awful tragedies im connected to. Think im doing ok for months and months then poof..out of the blue ive got my head in my hand sobbing, can function. Its awful. Swallowed up in it all, cant break through to the surface, until the grip lets go of me and im back to myself again. Thanks God for my hubby. I look at it as a bit of a re-set. Hope you can too my dear.

Hope things are a little more settled for you today. The sun is shining and its good deep breath weather. Big hugs for you girl. You are my 'go to' read on here, so wise and kind. Always respectful and knowledgeable. Keep your chin up. (in my case, both 😉 LOL (((hugs)))