Had enough

[AJLang]

Don't worry I'm not going to do anything silly but I've had enough of everything getting on top of me and being in a rut that I can't get myself out of. I have the odd hour of feeling ok in a day and that's it. Fed up with diabetes, with waiting over 6 weeks for outcomes of two clinic appointments, fed up with pain despite being on the maximum pain medication that I can manage, fed up with being stuck in the house so much unless my partner takes me out because I can no longer get out on my own. So fed up that I used to be such an independent person and now have to rely on him so much.
So fed up I can't even cry.
I can't motivate myself to do hardly anything even though I've got a lovely garden I can sit in and a craft room full of hobbies. Everything seems too much.
Have tried antidepressants and CBT before and they haven't worked.
I know that there are many people much worse off than me, but that doesn't help me at the moment.

 

[snowball12]

You say that there are people worse off than you but at this moment it's how you feel that's important right now. I can totally understand the place you are in right now as I'm there with you, apart from pain. You are depressed and need to try different anti depressants. They do stop working and have to be changed. I have no answer for you but I am here

 

[Jimmy2202]

I’m also in a very bad place at the minute.

I’m seeing a private therapist on Friday.

You are not alone when it comes to feeling these ways… I can’t help you other than say keep your head up there always light at the end of the tunnel you just need to find the right tunnel

 

[grovesy]

Sending you hugs!

 

[Leadinglights]

There is quite a bit on the internet about the link between high or unstable blood glucose levels and depression and anxiety. High glucose affects all the cells in the body including the brain so has a knock on effect.
I suppose some people cope better than others but I think the medical profession are slow to recognise the link.
It can easily become a vicious circle without seeking help.

 

[Inka]

You’re allowed to feel fed up. You’re dealing with a lot, and pain is dreadfully wearing. But if the feelings are taking over your life, then I think you should speak to your GP. You can try different anti-depressants. Perhaps a small dose of something that suits you would help take the edge off the feelings a little?

Have you tried counselling? Talking to someone sounds trivial, but sometimes it can have a big effect and help you feel more like yourself again. Things build up on your head and counselling can help you sort them into a place that is most appropriate. Often, when we’re feeling really down, it’s so hard to contemplate things and sort out what’s what. Counselling can help you make sense of the turmoil of ‘stuff’.

Sending you a big hug. You know you have many, many people here who care about you. xx

 

[rebrascora]

So sorry to hear that you are struggling physically and mentally Amanda. I don't have any answers or solutions but just wanted to send you (((HUGS))).
When I hit a mental brick wall, I just dig in, do the absolute basics and blot out everything else and wait for it to pass and it always does, but that is much easier for me as I don't also have the debilitating and wearying pain that you have. Hope you can find some support/treatment which will help. XX

 

[Grannylorraine]

Sending you hugs. And yes there may be people worse off than you, but that doesn't mean you aren't allowed to vent about your situation and the constant pain you are in. Sometimes a good old moan helps.

 

[Bloden]

All I can send you are ((((lots of hugs)))) @AJLang. I hope you find a way out of the rut you’re in asap.

 

[jj10125]

Don't worry I'm not going to do anything silly but I've had enough of everything getting on top of me and being in a rut that I can't get myself out of. I have the odd hour of feeling ok in a day and that's it. Fed up with diabetes, with waiting over 6 weeks for outcomes of two clinic appointments, fed up with pain despite being on the maximum pain medication that I can manage, fed up with being stuck in the house so much unless my partner takes me out because I can no longer get out on my own. So fed up that I used to be such an independent person and now have to rely on him so much.
So fed up I can't even cry.
I can't motivate myself to do hardly anything even though I've got a lovely garden I can sit in and a craft room full of hobbies. Everything seems too much.
Have tried antidepressants and CBT before and they haven't worked.
I know that there are many people much worse off than me, but that doesn't help me at the moment.

Has anyone ever told you that you're killing it? Because you are, everything on top of you, fed up with an illness you can't change, waiting, pain, being stuck in the house, yeah trust me you're killing it - for what little it might be worth just know you're doing an amazing job.

Having a partner with depression, the thing that always amazes me is people get into these ruts and completely miss the fact that despite all that they survive, troop on, you're a strong person even if you might not feel like it right now.

Literally started your message with 'Don't worry I'm not going to do anything silly' 🙂 ... you've got this!

 

[AJLang]

Thank you so very much everyone. I really appreciate what you've said and will remember the comments as I try to get back on top of things. Unfortunately only private counselling available where I live and I can't afford that - plus goodness knows how many sessions I'd need to unpack everything that has affected me over the year.
The anti depressants affected my diabetes badly before and I'm not keen on taking them again with the 17(!!!) other medications I'm on including amitriptylene for pain and silent migraines but not a high enough doses for depression.
I'm going to do my best to focus on the good things that I have and think that I just have to learn to accept the life that I've got - which does have a lot of good things in it.
I guess at the moment I'm feeling particularly vulnerable after 2.5 weeks on eye steroids for a problem with my cornea, having been diagnosed with Sjorgrens Syndrome and still waiting for info about the high ferritin result.
With regard to the hours that I do feel ok they're usually when I've managed to focus myself on crafts/painting - I do really silly things like yesterday was putting together 50 piece Winnie the Pooh jigsaws - it simultaneously cheered up for a while whilst wondering how on enough I'd gone from being a career woman with a degree to the only thing I did in a day being kid's puzzles. It's also getting into the mindset to get the crafts out.
But I'm going to try to embrace that fun side of me.
Today after posting on here I did get my acrylic paints out and immersed myself in doing a cartoon painting of Yogi Bear - it was a very mindful activitiy.
Thank you so much to all of you and all of the support on the forum.

 

[rebrascora]

Thank you so very much everyone. I really appreciate what you've said and will remember the comments as I try to get back on top of things. Unfortunately only private counselling available where I live and I can't afford that - plus goodness knows how many sessions I'd need to unpack everything that has affected me over the year.
The anti depressants affected my diabetes badly before and I'm not keen on taking them again with the 17(!!!) other medications I'm on including amitriptylene for pain and silent migraines but not a high enough doses for depression.
I'm going to do my best to focus on the good things that I have and think that I just have to learn to accept the life that I've got - which does have a lot of good things in it.
I guess at the moment I'm feeling particularly vulnerable after 2.5 weeks on eye steroids for a problem with my cornea, having been diagnosed with Sjorgrens Syndrome and still waiting for info about the high ferritin result.
With regard to the hours that I do feel ok they're usually when I've managed to focus myself on crafts/painting - I do really silly things like yesterday was putting together 50 piece Winnie the Pooh jigsaws - it simultaneously cheered up for a while whilst wondering how on enough I'd gone from being a career woman with a degree to the only thing I did in a day being kid's puzzles. It's also getting into the mindset to get the crafts out.
But I'm going to try to embrace that fun side of me.
Today after posting on here I did get my acrylic paints out and immersed myself in doing a cartoon painting of Yogi Bear - it was a very mindful activitiy.
Thank you so much to all of you and all of the support on the forum.

Pleased you have managed to distract yourself a bit today. If Winnie the Poo can't lift your spirits a bit then you are a lost cause!! 😳 Can we see a picture of your Yogi bear to brighten our day too

 

[AJLang]

Pleased you have managed to distract yourself a bit today. If Winnie the Poo can't lift your spirits a bit then you are a lost cause!! 😳 Can we see a picture of your Yogi bear to brighten our day too

Thank you Barbara. Here’s Yogi.

 

[rebrascora]

Put a smile on my face

 

[AJLang]

Thank you Barbara. Sorry for the delay in replying. Still getting down a lot but fortunately Mark was on holiday last week so that helped. We saw the Abba Voyage concert on Saturday which was a mind blowing wow!

 

[rebrascora]

Oh I bet that was fab! Good to hear Mark has been off work and able to distract you a bit.

We went to see Michael Buble last week and he was really good but unfortunately I had an upset stomach, so I was a bit uncomfortable most of the night but didn't stop me dancing for over 2 hours!.... The massively long queue for the park and ride bus was a bit of an anxious situation though as it was outside the venue and no portaloos available. Thankfully I survived it without having an accident but it was a hugely explosive relief when I got home I can tell you!!

Wonderful to get back to a bit of normality and going out and enjoying ourselves again though.

 

[AJLang]

Sorry for my delay in replying Barbara. Thank you for your post but sorry that you were so ill when you went to see Michael Buble.
I'm doing ok mentally at the moment and focusing the limited energy I've got on enjoying things that I can do such as my various crafts 🙂 xx

 

[SB2015]

Sorry for my delay in replying Barbara. Thank you for your post but sorry that you were so ill when you went to see Michael Buble.
I'm doing ok mentally at the moment and focusing the limited energy I've got on enjoying things that I can do such as my various crafts 🙂 xx

Good to hear that you are able to focus on your crafts AJ. Would love to see some photos of anything you are doing, and no it doesn't need to be a finished job, just whatever you are working on.

 

[AJLang]

Good to hear that you are able to focus on your crafts AJ. Would love to see some photos of anything you are doing, and no it doesn't need to be a finished job, just whatever you are working on.

Thank you. I will try to post some photos soon xx

 

[AJLang]

I’m so sorry that I haven’t updated this thread but mood is still getting me down a lot. Not helped by being told at the age of 53 that I may now need hearing aids in both ears (will find out for certain Tuesday) and rheumatologist letter confirming neuropathy in my legs - I knew it was there because of the pain but just didn’t like seeing it in writing.
SO I phoned my GP this morning and got a prescription for fluoxetidins (Prozac).
BUT after reading the side effects I thought stuff this and I will action options that I’ve looked at previously. So I made an appointment for tomorrow to see if “creative counselling” could be suitable for me. I’ve also filled in forms with the local IAPT (mental health service) to see what they can do to help and have contacted a local charity based occupational therapy organisation.
Mark, as always, is being fantastically supportive and trying to get me to do more with my crafts, starting with us seeing if can book a pottery painting class tomorrow. I’ve also started knitting a Twiddle Muff as a form of volunteering that I can do at home in my own time.
i’ve also started making this autumn decoration (photo of the finished side).
If all of this helps I will be so pleased but if it doesn’t I will try the anti depressant.