Guilt regret and shame

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a-aminamorbid

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Hello I do apologize for the negativity. I'm 30 I'm a full time carer for my mum. For about 10 years. She was diagnosed with type 2 nearly 2 years ago. I also found out I'm prediabetic. I'm in constant state of shame guilt and regret nearly 2 years later. The more I understand nutrition the human body the more hatred and disappointment I have for myself. my mum had a stroke 10 years ago and is disabled this is my fault because I didn't call the hours for a good 10 hour's. So mums disability and diabetes is my fault. I'm constantly feeling guilty. Does the guilt ever go away ? Does regret and shame ever go away ? It still feels the same the when mum was diagnosed. I'm sorry for the negativity and inconvenience caused. Fyi I'm awaiting therapy and seeing a support worker.
 
Welcome @a-aminamorbid Please try to put the guilt aside. Ask yourself if there’s anyone in this world who’s perfect? We all do the best we can. You can’t change the past, but you can choose to look to the future and focus on that. Guilt serves no purpose. Even if you feel you’re guilty, you need to put those feelings aside, having acknowledged them. They will eat up energy that you could focus on positive things.

Wishing you peace. xx
 
Bless you. Hindsight is 20:20 as they say. If you knew then what you know now you would have done things differently. You’re not a doctor. You hadn’t been trained in spotting the signs. You did the best you could with the knowledge you had then. Guilt will make life harder for you now. It’s worth asking yourself how much you’re grieving. Your life and your mum’s life isn’t what you had imagined it would be. Grief for losing the person she was. Grief for the ease of life before she had the stroke. All of that is heavy. Being able to identify it in amongst the guilt may help you to process it.

Keep talking. Keep sharing. I hope things feel easier for you.
 
Inka said:
Welcome @a-aminamorbid Please try to put the guilt aside. Ask yourself if there’s anyone in this world who’s perfect? We all do the best we can. You can’t change the past, but you can choose to look to the future and focus on that. Guilt serves no purpose. Even if you feel you’re guilty, you need to put those feelings aside, having acknowledged them. They will eat up energy that you could focus on positive things.

Wishing you peace. xx
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Thank you for your kindness and support. I do appreciate your advice. I'm really trying. But it's to not have guilt when life is so unbearable. I will keep your advice in mind. Thank you so much.
 
Thebearcametoo said:
Bless you. Hindsight is 20:20 as they say. If you knew then what you know now you would have done things differently. You’re not a doctor. You hadn’t been trained in spotting the signs. You did the best you could with the knowledge you had then. Guilt will make life harder for you now. It’s worth asking yourself how much you’re grieving. Your life and your mum’s life isn’t what you had imagined it would be. Grief for losing the person she was. Grief for the ease of life before she had the stroke. All of that is heavy. Being able to identify it in amongst the guilt may help you to process it.

Keep talking. Keep sharing. I hope things feel easier for you.
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Wow you are absolutely right I have been grieving all this time and is relentless. Thank you I never thought of it like that. I do appreciate your kindness and insight. Thank you for this.
 
a-aminamorbid said:
Thank you for your kindness and support. I do appreciate your advice. I'm really trying. But it's to not have guilt when life is so unbearable. I will keep your advice in mind. Thank you so much.
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Do you have support with caring (if you need it)? I think @Docb knows something about that if I’m remembering correctly.

Put your guilt in a box in your head. You can’t change things, and you’ll torture yourself dwelling on things. I hope your therapy is helpful. I’ve spoken to a counsellor and felt a huge amount better afterwards. Look after yourself. xx
 
Being a carer is a job most people wouldn't want, understandably so. You don't get sent to university to do it and as such training is limited at best.

No doubt you did your best, with the information you had at the time? It's very easy to look back and judge but ultimately you only know what you know - what more can you be expected to do with limited information?

I know it's not easy, but try not to beat yourself up over it. You're clearly caring and did your best with what you had.
 
All I can do is reiterate what others have said. Please don't apologise for the negativity of your post. You have inconvenienced no one. You should not be feeling guilty. You are in a very dark place through no fault of your own. How can you possibly have caused your mum's problems? You aren't a medic, you are doing your best, you are so caring. I sincerely hope that counselling can help you because you do not deserve to be where you are now. Wishing you well xxx
 
A harsh reality is that we cannot change the past. Given that, finding ways of coming to terms with it might help make life in the present a little easier and happier.

Have you thought about seeking access to counselling? Again this won't change the past but might be an opportunity to be more objective and kinder to yourself as to whether you really did make bad choices, or as others remind you here, that you very probably did the best that you could with the knowledge you had at the time.
 
@a-aminamorbid. @Inka has mentioned seeking carer support and it is something I know a little about. As a carer you are entitled to a carers assessment which will allow you to go though all the issues surrounding your caring duties with a professional. It should identify what things are important to you and identify what can be done to make things easier for you. That is what should happen but I am afraid that there is a real post code lottery in the quality of services provided as cash strapped county councils seek to cut expenditure. Nevertheless it is well worth checking on line (search carer services and [your] county council) to get contact details and work from there. Hopefully your county council will be more enlightened than many and you will be able to get the support you need, and, as a carer, deserve.
 
I was reading in my RHS magazine that gardening or horticultural therapy was a good was of helping with anxiety and depression, the story was of somebody who just started off visiting her local parks but then got hooked and went on to do a horticultural course.
There may be a local group you could access which may be helpful to both you and your mother.

Home - Thrive

We use gardening to bring about positive changes in the lives of people living with disabilities or ill health, or who are isolated, disadvantaged or vulnerable.
www.thrive.org.uk www.thrive.org.uk
 
Inka said:
Do you have support with caring (if you need it)? I think @Docb knows something about that if I’m remembering correctly.

Put your guilt in a box in your head. You can’t change things, and you’ll torture yourself dwelling on things. I hope your therapy is helpful. I’ve spoken to a counsellor and felt a huge amount better afterwards. Look after yourself. xx
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Thank you for your advice and information. I do apologize for the delay. I'm trying to control my guilt but this is years of this. I'm trying therapy. I'm happy you're doing better and in a good place. I appreciate you going above and beyond to help me. Thank you
 
jj10125 said:
Being a carer is a job most people wouldn't want, understandably so. You don't get sent to university to do it and as such training is limited at best.

No doubt you did your best, with the information you had at the time? It's very easy to look back and judge but ultimately you only know what you know - what more can you be expected to do with limited information?

I know it's not easy, but try not to beat yourself up over it. You're clearly caring and did your best with what you had.
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Help I apologize for the delay thank you for your insight and kindness. I agree caring is extremely hard. And I just wish I asked for more help or did more. I will keep your advice and support in mind. Your right as a carer you no training at all. I wish that could change. Thank you for this. It's helped thank you.
 
Vonny said:
All I can do is reiterate what others have said. Please don't apologise for the negativity of your post. You have inconvenienced no one. You should not be feeling guilty. You are in a very dark place through no fault of your own. How can you possibly have caused your mum's problems? You aren't a medic, you are doing your best, you are so caring. I sincerely hope that counselling can help you because you do not deserve to be where you are now. Wishing you well xxx
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Thank you reading your comment nearly made me tear up. I'm sorry for replying late. I know but it hurts seeing her guilt feels second to nature now. As normal as breathing. I hope therapy does help. Thank you for your kindness and support. I should of came her sooner .Thank you.
 
John D M said:
A harsh reality is that we cannot change the past. Given that, finding ways of coming to terms with it might help make life in the present a little easier and happier.

Have you thought about seeking access to counselling? Again this won't change the past but might be an opportunity to be more objective and kinder to yourself as to whether you really did make bad choices, or as others remind you here, that you very probably did the best that you could with the knowledge you had at the time.
Click to expand...
Thank you for taking the time to reply. I'm awaiting therapy and have a support worker. I agree I cannot change the past but I'm so fixated and obsessed it's overwhelming. I will try and keep everything in mind and heart. It's hard to be kind to myself but I will try harder. Thank you for your empathy and compassion. The thing is I know I could've done better.
 
Docb said:
@a-aminamorbid. @Inka has mentioned seeking carer support and it is something I know a little about. As a carer you are entitled to a carers assessment which will allow you to go though all the issues surrounding your caring duties with a professional. It should identify what things are important to you and identify what can be done to make things easier for you. That is what should happen but I am afraid that there is a real post code lottery in the quality of services provided as cash strapped county councils seek to cut expenditure. Nevertheless it is well worth checking on line (search carer services and [your] county council) to get contact details and work from there. Hopefully your county council will be more enlightened than many and you will be able to get the support you need, and, as a carer, deserve.
Click to expand...
Hello thank you for reaching out and sharing your experiences and advice. I've had a few assessments but at the moment my mum doesn't want other carer's. Which I understand because she suffers from anxiety and depression. But maybe one day she may be ok. I don't even know if having carer's would be helpful. Because there's alot I have to do and I highly doubt they would do it. Thank you for this. I will keep this in mind. I know eventually I will need help. It's a scary thought. I hope your situation is well .
 
Leadinglights said:
I was reading in my RHS magazine that gardening or horticultural therapy was a good was of helping with anxiety and depression, the story was of somebody who just started off visiting her local parks but then got hooked and went on to do a horticultural course.
There may be a local group you could access which may be helpful to both you and your mother.

Home - Thrive

We use gardening to bring about positive changes in the lives of people living with disabilities or ill health, or who are isolated, disadvantaged or vulnerable.
www.thrive.org.uk www.thrive.org.uk
Click to expand...
Hello thank you for taking the time to help me. Funnily enough my mum use to live gardening and plants. My support worker has been trying to take me to more parks and gardening places. Thank you I will look into this more . Leaving the house has been hard . We pretty much became hermits. I'm going to look at this magazine right now. Thank you ever so much.
 
a-aminamorbid said:
Hello thank you for reaching out and sharing your experiences and advice. I've had a few assessments but at the moment my mum doesn't want other carer's. Which I understand because she suffers from anxiety and depression. But maybe one day she may be ok. I don't even know if having carer's would be helpful. Because there's alot I have to do and I highly doubt they would do it. Thank you for this. I will keep this in mind. I know eventually I will need help. It's a scary thought. I hope your situation is well .
Click to expand...
I think you might have misinterpreted my suggestion, the carers support I was referring to was not carer support for your mother, but support for you as a carer. You are entitled to it and your county council is obliged to provide it. As I say, the standard of support is variable but at its best, it will provide help from people, often fellow carers, who understand what caring is all about.
 
I think sometimes people forget that as a carer they also need to take care of themselves and be prepared to ask for help so they can continue to be the 'carer' to somebody else.
 
Quite right @Leadinglights. People also forget that caring very often does not mean providing personal care. If you have to be around to help somebody who cannot cope on their own for any reason, then you are a carer.
 
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