My father is T2 diabetic, diagnosed 16 years ago. He is 63 and I am 36. Over time his condition has progressed and he is now on insulin injections and has circulation issues in his feet. With this being the case I find it incredibly frustrating that he behaves as though he doesn't have the disease - eating vast amounts of starchy and sugary foods, drinking excessive alcohol, not managing his weight down (he is classed as a "very obese" BMI). He uses insulin to counteract this intake and carries on as though he is not diabetic. From the outside he looks terrible, yet he insists nothing is wrong and his diabetes nurse says he's "fine". I just can't believe that - he struggles to walk, to get up out of his chair and his weight simply cannot be healthy - the best way I can describe how he looks is that it's like there is an overinflated space hopper under his clothes (all the weight is carried round his middle). His lower extremities are purple, swollen and flaky as though there isn't enough oxygen getting down there. I am very sad to think he has given up on himself but when I try to talk to him he aggressively shuts me down and says its none of my business (and I know it's not my body, of course). He also takes pleasure in reminding me that as he has type 2, and both his parents and older sister do, that I have it all to come. My mother (who is 65) has told me not to say anything to him about his condition or weight management as he won't listen - and I am conscious that may be I should leave him alone, even though I feel like I'm abandoning him to destroy himself :-( I just wondered if anyone else has faced anything similar and had any advice for me on what to do?
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Diabetic parent risking his health :-(
- Thread starter Reven1r
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Northerner
Admin (Retired)
- Relationship to Diabetes
- Type 1
Hi Reven1r, welcome to the forum 🙂 Very sorry to hear about your father 
It sounds like he is in denial about his health. I wonder if his nurse really does say he's fine, or if that's just what he tells you? It might be true, some healthcare professionals display a depressing complacency about Type 2, sometimes because they see people in an even worse state, but it's really not helpful when they do as it gives the person a green light to just continue with harmful behaviour
It's hard to know what to suggest. I'd consider your father to be a relatively young man still - he's only 5 years older than me - and he could have many years of good health ahead of him if he took things in hand and learned how to manage his blood glucose properly. Indiscriminate use of insulin without modifying his carbohydrate intake and behaviour will almost inevitably lead to more weight gain, which then becomes a vicious circle as more weight promotes greater insulin resistance, therefore requiring more insulin
I get the impression your mother is equally concerned and has tried herself, but perhaps she can help to some extent by making some changes to what they shop for and make to eat? It is possible to turn things around, and he would feel so much better for it, but very hard to convince him to take the steps he needs to. Does he have any grandchildren? Sometimes the thought of wanting to be around for them growing up can be an incentive to improve - also perhaps setting a goal to work towards that he could do with support from family?
It sounds like he is in denial about his health. I wonder if his nurse really does say he's fine, or if that's just what he tells you? It might be true, some healthcare professionals display a depressing complacency about Type 2, sometimes because they see people in an even worse state, but it's really not helpful when they do as it gives the person a green light to just continue with harmful behaviour It's hard to know what to suggest. I'd consider your father to be a relatively young man still - he's only 5 years older than me - and he could have many years of good health ahead of him if he took things in hand and learned how to manage his blood glucose properly. Indiscriminate use of insulin without modifying his carbohydrate intake and behaviour will almost inevitably lead to more weight gain, which then becomes a vicious circle as more weight promotes greater insulin resistance, therefore requiring more insulin
I get the impression your mother is equally concerned and has tried herself, but perhaps she can help to some extent by making some changes to what they shop for and make to eat? It is possible to turn things around, and he would feel so much better for it, but very hard to convince him to take the steps he needs to. Does he have any grandchildren? Sometimes the thought of wanting to be around for them growing up can be an incentive to improve - also perhaps setting a goal to work towards that he could do with support from family?
Thank you, Northerner - I think you are right about denial - I'm just surprised by how potent a force it can be; so much so that you cannot see what is in the mirror I will keep plugging away, I know deep down I can't just watch it happen. There are no grandchildren but I have 2 younger siblings (34 and 28) and of course there's my Mum - our extended family would all want him to be around as long as possible too 🙂 I will remain positive, as you say - he could still have a lot of happy life left if he looks after himself 🙂
I will keep plugging away, I know deep down I can't just watch it happen. There are no grandchildren but I have 2 younger siblings (34 and 28) and of course there's my Mum - our extended family would all want him to be around as long as possible too 🙂 I will remain positive, as you say - he could still have a lot of happy life left if he looks after himself 🙂
Redkite
Well-Known Member
- Relationship to Diabetes
- Parent
Sorry to hear this, how worrying and frustrating for you. Have you seen this documentary film "Fixing Dad" about two young men helping their Dad "reverse" his type 2 diabetes? If you could get him to watch it, he might find it in himself to be helped?
http://www.fixingdad.com
http://www.fixingdad.com
Ralph-YK
Much missed Member
- Relationship to Diabetes
- Type 2
Sorry about your father. Fine is what people say when they're being dismissive, can't be bothered or don't want to talk about things isn't it. Health people have said this to me instead of telling me results to tests or discussing my condition.
pottersusan
Well-Known Member
- Relationship to Diabetes
- Type 1
I feel for you. It's really hard.
I think what Northerner said about your mum is key. I suspect she does the cooking and shopping. When I needed to lose weight I worked on the principle that if it wasn't in the house I couldn't eat it!
I think what Northerner said about your mum is key. I suspect she does the cooking and shopping. When I needed to lose weight I worked on the principle that if it wasn't in the house I couldn't eat it!
Thank you Redkite, I will watch it this weekend - From my limited understanding of diabetes, I'm not sure my Dad's can be reversed now but I am still intrigued 🙂
Ralph-YK; I have a feeling the diabetes nurse doesn't have the time to get into the reasons for his denial with him - she just checks that he's "ticking over", which is a shame but there-again she's probably looking after people in much worse states than my father (as Northerner says) so its all relative (pardon the pun).
pottersusan; My Mum does do much of the cooking and most of the shopping, but I think she's caught between a rock and a hard place; my Dad is very stubborn and so if she started "managing" his diet for him I think he would react in the same way as when I try to talk to him about his health - it's frustrating all round.
Thank you to everyone for your advice, it's been really helpful in showing me how many different issues can converge around something seemingly straightforward - i.e. eat less, move more! I'm going to keep fighting the good fight and who knows; one day I may win! 🙂
Ralph-YK; I have a feeling the diabetes nurse doesn't have the time to get into the reasons for his denial with him - she just checks that he's "ticking over", which is a shame but there-again she's probably looking after people in much worse states than my father (as Northerner says) so its all relative (pardon the pun).
pottersusan; My Mum does do much of the cooking and most of the shopping, but I think she's caught between a rock and a hard place; my Dad is very stubborn and so if she started "managing" his diet for him I think he would react in the same way as when I try to talk to him about his health - it's frustrating all round.
Thank you to everyone for your advice, it's been really helpful in showing me how many different issues can converge around something seemingly straightforward - i.e. eat less, move more! I'm going to keep fighting the good fight and who knows; one day I may win! 🙂
Amigo
Well-Known Member
- Relationship to Diabetes
- Type 2
I really feel for you Reven because denial in another person is potent and damaging especially when we have to frustratingly watch them stuck in that state. Your dad seems to be using it as a psychological 'protection' to avoid having to face the realities himself. When the person involved is also quite a determined and strong willed character anyway, it becomes a battle ground to even open up the subject. I reckon he'd make your mother's life a misery if she tried to cut out his forbidden goodies. I had a friend like this. He was adorable but totally impossible to help and let diabetes destroy him over time. But he wouldn't change and nobody could make him.
All you can do is tell him that you care very much about him and don't want to judge but wish he'd let you help more with his health. I doubt he'd let you go to his medical appointments with him and it's sounds like the nurse has been dragged into his sense of inertia too. She'll really only make the effort with patients who show motivation even though that's wrong.
I think he's adopted a sense of inevitability about diabetes because his family have it too. The most important thing you can do is look after yourself and make sure the familial tendency towards the condition doesn't affect you. You can dodge the D bullet yourself. Best wishes 🙂
All you can do is tell him that you care very much about him and don't want to judge but wish he'd let you help more with his health. I doubt he'd let you go to his medical appointments with him and it's sounds like the nurse has been dragged into his sense of inertia too. She'll really only make the effort with patients who show motivation even though that's wrong.
I think he's adopted a sense of inevitability about diabetes because his family have it too. The most important thing you can do is look after yourself and make sure the familial tendency towards the condition doesn't affect you. You can dodge the D bullet yourself. Best wishes 🙂
Ralph-YK
Much missed Member
- Relationship to Diabetes
- Type 2
The English thing of not causing trouble/making a fuss. OK, she's the one who has to live with him. And it's not easy for you as you've to take them both on.
However, I really want to tell you to draw a line and tell them you're not happy with this behavoure and you're not willing to be involved in it or watch it. Very easy for me to say though. I've been unhappy with my sisters behavoure for decades.
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