Natalie - Huggs!
I understand your trepidation about your partner knowing; it's so hard trying to explain why you felt the need to do summat like that when the OH ain't sitting in your shoes. They say things like Oh you should have told me, I'd have understood .. and you know they mean it, but also know they wouldn't ....
Are you having counselling? Cos you certainly should be.
I didn't know it until about 2 years afterwards but the one I got, based her technique on CBT in other words lead me to think about the reasons why I might be 'me' and therefore, why I 'always' behaved/reacted in certain ways. Not why I wanted to drive my car into a tree a week last Wednesday, that was, like you, not the 'normal' me. I found it really interesting, because you accept what you do and how you do it without questioning why - was it something you had to learn in order to get by, and has become such a habit you don't realise you are doing it - or would you have always done exactly the same thing anyway without interference ....... and is it really a good or bad thing for you anyway? There were tears at times, but I remember the laughter more .....
And are you on the right Anti-D's? And have you even told your GP how it's getting to you? I for one found that really hard more than once but you know when I eventually managed to, it was always like I'd rid myself of half a ton of bricks ......
Finally you know, I kinda worked out that as long as once I'd had the horrible thoughts and argued with myself that it would just be stupid, then I wasn't actually completely bonkers after all and there must be some hope for me.
Do the Guide Dogs place or the RSPCA or another animal charity need volunteers to do 'whatever' on a Monday? Or anyone local, maybe an elderly person or disabled, who needs a dog walked? Do you even like dogs? LOL
Local Library - Silver Surfers? Start a Book Club?
Ralph Ormrod told me last week you'd been elected Lay Chair of 'our' bit of the Network - many many congratulations - I understand your trepidation about the talk, but honestly if they didn't think you could do it, you'd never have been considered for the job in the first place, would you? and they'd have 'picked' someone else more suitable. (You know this happens; you only get one volunteer but if the great and the good don't think the person is suitable, they soon make it their business to err cajole someone else they deem more suitable into 'volunteering' ....)
