Deciding not to have children

[Garethj]

Hi,
I'm a man with type 1 , I was diagnosed 5 years ago at age 38.
I lost my job a few months before my diagnosis due to my odd (pre-diagnosis) behaviour. That part of my life was obviously difficult enough as I really had no idea why I was behaving the way I was - actually quite reassuring to know that there was a reason for my erratic behaviour!

I've not been able to work since that time as all of my waking hours are spent trying to deal with balancing my blood sugar levels. This has led me down the grim path of social security benefits and all of the associated hideousness that it brings with it.
I've struggled every day since my diagnosis. These struggles, I'm sure, are a common occurrence with type one's so there's no need to focus on them now.
The thing that has caused me the most heartbreak is when my partner (whom I met 2 years after my diagnosis) fell pregnant.

I'd been with her for over a year and all was good, as they say, her falling pregnant though, was the most awful thing that could have happened. As it was an unplanned pregnancy my reaction was one of shock and surprise but seconds later the vision in my mind was one of administering insulin injections to a little lifeform I was partly responsible for.
looking at a creature that was born to suffer all of its life due to my selfishness in letting it live.
Through a very difficult 2 month process I persuaded my partner to have an abortion based wholly on the fact that it would be the most disgustingly selfish act to allow the pregnancy to happen. How, I thought, could we feel ok about bringing a life into the world that was essentially over before it began? Yes, one can have some kind of life with t1 diabetes but it surely is a heavy burden both physically and mentally to bestow on a new life.

I suppose my question is two fold: Has anyone else been in similar circumstances and gone through with a pregnancy? And if so, how do they feel and how are they coping ?
Also, if anyone else has aborted a pregnancy in these circumstances what kind of coping mechanisms have they adopted to cope with the guilt ?

 

[Copepod]

Welcome to the forum Garethj.
Getting type 1 diabetes as an adult is tough (I got it aged 30 years) but most of us manage to earn a living somehow, often after a change of career. What lines of work have you tried?
I didn't have children, mainly due to not meeting partner until mid 30s and choosing to do different things. So, I hope some parents will be along soon.

 

[grovesy]

Welcome.

 

[Sally71]

Hi Gareth

Just because you have T1 doesn't mean your children will. My mum is T1, my brother and I are not. My daughter is, neither of my brother's children are. Obviously the genetics are there, but it's all a bit pot luck too.

I knew my daughter might have a chance of getting T1 but didn't dwell on it, she also had a fair chance of not getting it. Do I feel guilty that I brought her into the world to get it? No, although I do feel sad about it sometimes and a bit guilty that I didn't take her to the doctor sooner, being as aware as I am of what the symptoms are. (I knew it might be but it developed so gradually that I thought I was being neurotic at first.) I guess I didn't realise quite how much hard work having T1 is, perhaps I would have thought harder about it if I did, I know my mum's first reaction to the news was guilt! I desperately wanted another child but never got one, and sometimes do wonder if that was perhaps a good thing! I deal with the bad feelings though by trying to remind myself that we are lucky that we live in a time and place where we can get all the help my daughter needs and that she is able to live an almost normal life, there isn't much that she can't do, it just needs a bit more thorough planning.

A friend of mine has two children, both with severe (completely different) health problems, neither will ever be able to live independently. They have no family history of any of the children's problems, it was just majorly rotten luck for them. You really cannot predict what sort of life your children will have health wise, if we all decided not to have children just in case they had something wrong with them, the human race would die out very quickly!

Deciding whether or not to have children is a very personal decision and it isn't anyone else's place to judge. I hope that you and your partner can reach the right decision for you and be at peace with it. Good luck 🙂

 

[Radders]

I have never had children due to being diagnosed aged 29 and it taking me about 10 years to feel as though I had any handle on it at all, without throwing pregnancy into the mix. I was not that keen on the idea of being pregnant before! I did briefly look into adopting but my then husband wasn't sufficiently committed. By then my marriage was over and I never had the urge to reproduce. Neither of my parents had diabetes so I don't think the genetics would have influenced me even had I been diagnosed younger.

 

[Lilian]

Welcome. I am so grateful to not have been in that position. I am afraid you are damned if you do and damned if you don't (not literally of course). Your decision has to be the one you (and your partner) can live with better than than the alternative, whatever that is. I just wish you both the strength to go through with whatever decision you make.

 

[stephknits]

I had both of my girls before getting Type 1,(at 42) so the issue never came up. Whilst it is hard work, it does not rule my life and I only took half a day off work (when my go rang me and told me to go to A&E), so I can't imagine not working. If my girls got diabetes, I am sure I would feel guilty and mourn the easier life they could have had. However a million other things could go wrong (or indeed right!) in their lives and we can only be there to help and encourage as best we can.
I'm wondering whether some sort of couple counselling might help you both come to a joint decision on what is best for you both - as Sally says, having children is such a personal decision. It might be worth getting some help with your feelings surrounding diabetes as well. Wishing you all the best 🙂

 

[Garethj]

Thank's for your replies and kind words. Lots to think about. It's good to be able to talk with other Diabetics - this is the first time I've ever communicated with anyone with the condition.
Cheers.

 

[AndBreathe]

Gareth - MY circumstances are so totally different from yours, so I won't comment on your thread content, but if you're struggling to encounter other diabetic, here is a great place to start, but you might also have a group that meets in your local area: https://www.diabetes.org.uk/In_Your_Area/

My local DUK group is a thriving, successful group, open to all types of diabetics, family members or carers. Sometimes it's just good to see that others in the same boat don't have 2 heads and are pretty "normal".

Good luck with it all.

 

[Cleo]

Hello and welcome Gareth,
It's understandable to have worries / concerns about your children when you have a chronic condition.

However, as Sally said, just because you have type 1 doesn't mean that your children will have it. I have 2 children (3yrs and 8months), both pregnancies were hard but they are absolutely fine. Will they develop type 1 in the future ? Who knows, of course I hope that they don't, but I have no way of knowing either way. In any case that fear of the unknown can't stop me from having children. It's always going to be a worry at the back of my mind, but I don't let it take over.

Friends of mine are both "healthy" but their son has major developmental delays , both physically and mentally. There's just no way of predicting what your child's health will be like.

Wishing you the very best of luck x

 

[Northerner]

I'm a man with type 1 , I was diagnosed 5 years ago at age 38.
I lost my job a few months before my diagnosis due to my odd (pre-diagnosis) behaviour. That part of my life was obviously difficult enough as I really had no idea why I was behaving the way I was - actually quite reassuring to know that there was a reason for my erratic behaviour!

I've not been able to work since that time as all of my waking hours are spent trying to deal with balancing my blood sugar levels. This has led me down the grim path of social security benefits and all of the associated hideousness that it brings with it.
I've struggled every day since my diagnosis. These struggles, I'm sure, are a common occurrence with type one's so there's no need to focus on them now.

Hi Garethj, welcome to the forum. I'm sorry to hear that you have had such a poor experience since your diagnosis. I can't offer any help regarding children as I'm well beyond the age where I might consider having them. However, if you have been struggling with your diabetes for the past 5 years this must be having a major impact on your quality of life, and we may be able to help you with that. Poor blood sugar control impacts every aspect of life, including mood, in particular, so an improvement in your control should help you see the future more positively.

Let us know a bit more about yourself - what insulin regime are you on, and are there any specific problems that you are finding especially difficult to overcome? You might like to start a separate thread, perhaps in the 'Newbies' section. Of course, if you'd rather not, there's no pressure.

 

[Steff]

Hi Gareth,
I feel for your situation personally not dealt with anything similar, after having my son 15 years ago despite numerous attemps by cooing granmothers trying to get us to have more we didnt. Its a very personal thing and i wish you all the best, please dont be a stranger on here come on and vent do whatever you need because you will helped here immensly x

 

[Amigo]

This is a tough decision and I feel for you and your partner with this. You must have been through hell having to abort the pregnancy. What does strike me @Garethj, quite apart from the important decision about having children, is that you're still struggling yourself with your diabetes and are probably not physically or emotionally stable enough to cope at present. Quite apart from the financial hardship that these difficulties are causing.

Please do as northerner suggests and try to sort out the Diabetic issues which seem to be plaguing you. Only then will you be able to see things more clearly to make important decisions. Of course there's no way of knowing whether a child would have diabetes or indeed any other disabilities but you'd need to be in a good place yourself to cope if it did. I have a child with special needs who will always be dependent and believe me this isn't a decision to be taken lightly if you have any doubts or couldn't cope. It's a massive, exhausting commitment particularly if you're not well yourself.

Are you able to have genetic counselling through your GP? I'm afraid I have no idea of the statistical risks involved but you need to talk to somebody together and make important decisions that you can both live with.

Sending you very best wishes. Let the guilt go. You made the decision for all the right reasons at the time.

 

[PhoebeC]

I was told by my GP that there's only a 5% chance a mother with T1 will have a child with it, and 10% of the dad has it. I don't know if that is true.
I'd rather be alive with diabetes than have never lived, I don't think diabetes is that bad.
my great gran was a nurse and would have known if any of her family had diabetes so that rules out any diabetes of my fathers side for 150 years, my mums side again there is none other than me, so none for 150 years it's just a freak thing with me. On my partners side between his siblings and parents, they have epilepsy twice, T2, heart conditions, the men rarely get to 60, celiacs and asthma. When I was pregnant I was more concerned about what was coming from his side not mine.
Genes are an interesting thing and if your only half of the mix then nothing is set. It depend on how many others you have in your gene pool. Children are not half of each person they are just a random mix of all your genes.

 

[PhoebeC]

Also I am not having any more children but because I was very ill with my first child and I just couldn't risk that again. That's the only reason.

 

[Marshmallow]

Mike and I are trying for our 1st together. This will be his 3rd (2nd after diagnosis). Neither of his boys has D and fingers crossed they never do, however they see it as normal and his eldest (nearly 11) is great with Hypos and blood testing. We only have him 1 night a week so it's still fun for him.

 

[grainger]

Hi

I initially thought I wouldn't and half heartedly tried to pursaude my now husband he'd be better off without me.

We now have a 3 year old and would love another but having a second doesn't appear to be what the world has in mind for us but I guess we ultimately decided that children are born in the world with all sorts of conditions. I developed type 1 at 29. If my son develops it then yes that will be awful and I'll probably feel guilty forever but saying that he could have had downs or some other condition, he'll fight it and he'll learn to live with it and grow from it.
For me. I love my son with all I am and if I'm lucky enough to have another then I'll love them too.

My brother died at 35. He didn't have diabetes.
There are so many things that can change our outlook but for me, we are given one life. What we make of it is our own choice and what works for one doesn't work for another.

There's no right or wrong decision is what I'm badly trying to say.