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Christmas unwanted

Crumblebee

Crumblebee

Member
Relationship to Diabetes
Type 1.5 LADA
I travelled through to spend Christmas with my mother and brother for four nights.
My mother is in her 70s now and can be very difficult to appease, and generally get along with.
However, she is still my mother.

On the day of my travels home to my own flat I had a late breakfast with my mother.
Somehow the conversation turned to the cause and effect of becoming diabetic.
She voiced her opinion that if I as a child had not been a picky or fussy eater I would not have developed type one as a 34 year adult. It is my own fault from dietary choices and lifestyle. Also if I were a more active/ committed Christian God wouldn't have allowed me to have diabetes or he would have cured me.

I was utterly broken to my core. I didn't know how to respond. I tried to reason with her but apparently my sister agreed (she was spending Christmas with her partner's family). Now I haven't a clue how my sister views my “lifestyle dietary choices”, but if she agrees with my mother I feel quite betrayed as if I had been diagnosed with something else, say epilepsy, would they have the same accusations.

Anyway as a 38 year old, 4 years diabetic, I felt very attacked and alone. How do you move past knowing your mother blames you for a health condition that controls most of your life because of choices you made as a child. The feeling of being lost and a heavy sadness weighs upon me.

I don't know how to have an open relationship with my mother now. How can I trust her to not mislead others like my sister?


Maybe I am being overly sensitive. I don't know.

*** Additional edit ***

Wow thank you all for your words of support and advice. I didn't think many would respond.
I have managed to calm down and accept that communication with my Mother has to change. I believe that the conversation hit me so hard because whilst I was growing up with my fussy/ picky eating my mother would say things like “ if you keep eating like that you'll get fat and ugly and develop diabetes”.

I was terrified to tell my Mother my diagnosis because of all the comments as a child about becoming diabetic… She didn't say anything until now. I naively thought she had passed that.
I am just worried about what my sister is telling my niece, she already has my niece not eating anything potato based because it's a carb and not a vegetable, and so it's bad for you.

As a potato lover of all types of cooked potato I was saddened, she used to enjoy chips, mash, boiled, but now nope. So I worry, if my niece was to develop type 1 and she has had the same or similar from my sister.

Thanks again for everyone's input, it can feel so lonely being diabetic.
 
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Wow, thats sad to read.
One option is to sit down and try to use reason and logic to clearly and simply explain to your Mum that its a medical condition and not caused by your childhood choices. Although IMHO, most religious folk are hard to convince of anything that's not included in their own dogma.
Another option might be to try to just accept that she has this view, (rightly or wrongly). Does it really matter if her view of things differs from yours?
Just thinking out loud, I certainly do not have answers.... sorry.
 
Sometimes you simply can't avoid acknowledging that some family member is a pretty horrible human being, no matter how much you love them. It sucks but I don't know of anything you can do about it.
 
In the last few years my mum has become a much less pleasant person, sometimes when I visit she spends the whole time criticising everyone and every thing. She has had type 1 since before I was born, which I thought would be useful when my daughter was diagnosed, but all she does is tell us that we are doing everything wrong. Too much testing, using too much insulin, not eating the right foods etc etc. Mum is on injections but I think sticks to fixed doses and doesn’t carb count like we do (I think she is very much a creature of habit and knows how much she can eat for the doses she takes). My daughter is on a pump, HCL now with sensors so it’s a completely different way of dealing with the condition. Mum is a complete dinosaur with technology and wouldn’t want pumps or sensors even if she got offered them, which is entirely her choice of course. I’ve had numerous conversations with mum about the fact that there are different ways of dealing with diabetes and you stick to what’s right for you and ignore everyone else, and that we are only doing what we have been taught by the doctor, and that daughter’s hba1c remains good so we’re clearly doing something right etc etc, but nothing changes. She also seems to take delight in constantly pointing out that I’m overweight and need to do something about it (yes I know that thank you), but if I dare to suggest that she hasn’t done something right then all hell breaks loose. It’s got to the point that I don’t look forward to visiting them any more because I don’t know what sort of mood she’ll be in. My brother the same, he only lives 3 miles away from them but doesn’t visit as much as he used to any more. Thankfully the last couple of times she’s been in a reasonable mood and I’ve been able to enjoy myself, but I’m getting to the point that I don’t really care what she thinks any more. Which is a real shame, and I don’t know what went wrong as she never used to be like that, certainly not in such a nasty way. Basically now if anyone does anything at all which isn’t exactly the same as what mum would do, they are wrong!

I feel for you - you want to respect your parents don’t you, but they don’t always get everything right. All I can say is try not to take it to heart, I know that’s hard but you know she’s wrong about what causes type 1, keep doing what you’re doing. Is your sister any more reasonable, could you talk to her and see whether she actually does agree with your mum?
 
<3 :star:<3<3<3
Mothers you love them but sometimes they try you
gail
 
Crumblebee said:
I travelled through to spend Christmas with my mother and brother for four nights.
My mother is in her 70s now and can be very difficult to appease, and generally get along with.
However, she is still my mother.

On the day of my travels home to my own flat I had a late breakfast with my mother.
Somehow the conversation turned to the cause and effect of becoming diabetic.
She voiced her opinion that if I as a child had not been a picky or fussy eater I would not have developed type one as a 34 year adult. It is my own fault from dietary choices and lifestyle. Also if I were a more active/ committed Christian God wouldn't have allowed me to have diabetes or he would have cured me.

I was utterly broken to my core. I didn't know how to respond. I tried to reason with her but apparently my sister agreed (she was spending Christmas with her partner's family). Now I haven't a clue how my sister views my “lifestyle dietary choices”, but if she agrees with my mother I feel quite betrayed as if I had been diagnosed with something else, say epilepsy, would they have the same accusations.

Anyway as a 38 year old, 4 years diabetic, I felt very attacked and alone. How do you move past knowing your mother blames you for a health condition that controls most of your life because of choices you made as a child. The feeling of being lost and a heavy sadness weighs upon me.

I don't know how to have an open relationship with my mother now. How can I trust her to not mislead others like my sister?

Maybe I am being overly sensitive. I don't know.
Click to expand...
From an (ex) christian perspective, has she not read the book of Job? That demolishes the idea of bad things happing to people and it being their fault. Jesus hardly had a good time of it either, for that matter
But then, i find most judgemental Christians haven't actually read the bible, or have read it very selectively. Especially the 'judge not, lest you be judged'
I might be tempted to say 'you are entitled to your opinion, but its wrong' and get along with my day
 
Hi @Crumblebee

I am a carer and and volunteer for a charity that provides carer support in this area. Because of that I have met and talked to, and heard the stories, of many people who care for elderly parents. Stories like yours are not uncommon.

When you provide longer term care with continuous contact you get used to, and find ways to cope with, the way in which personality changes with age but those changes can be quite a shock to those who have occasional contact. From what you say, it seems like that is what you are finding.

My thought for you @Crumblebee is that you just remind yourself that you are confident in your own judgement about your diabetes and your approach would be supported by anybody who knows anything about the subject - for example the members of this forum. As a consequence, what other family members might think is unimportant.

When it comes to dealing with it, I would be amazed if @pjgtech 's idea of trying to educate have much effect other than creating more conflict and argument. An experienced counsellor might have half a chance of a rational conversation, but most of us do not have their skills. My experience is that most carers would cope by essentially avoiding talking about the issue, to nod wisely and say yes mother if bought up by her and move on to some other topic as rapidly (and as smoothly) as possible. You politely retreat to your position that you know what you are doing, raking up history is not going to help anything and there is nothing to discuss.

Next time you go to see her, have a number of things to talk about in your mind, all of which have something to do with her and nothing to do with you.

Its a hard and difficult road but can be quite satisfying if you can navigate it.

@Eddy Edson - a thought - one day your active and questioning mind might begin to fall apart and you might become irrational on some subjects. Would you like to be thought of as "a horrible human being" because of it? 😉
 
Sorry to hear this @Crumblebee I think the first thing you have to remind yourself of is that she’s wrong - completely incorrect. So reassure yourself about that. If it helps, try to think of an equally silly example of medical lack of knowledge.

I imagine the main issue though is the fact she made such a critical statement to you, harking back to your childhood and thus making you think she’s always thought that. I very much doubt she has. Either it’s advancing age, or she knows she’s wrong but was just having a dig at you for some reason. This doesn’t mean it’s your fault. Older people can offend without really meaning to.

You now have to think about what would be best for you. Is it easier to forget this? Or is it niggling away at you so much that you want to correct her? If it’s the latter, ask yourself if correcting her would work. Is it worth your effort? Will she respond well?

I’d also think about your sister. Was it your mother who informed you that your sister agreed with her? If so, take that with a pinch of salt. Your mother could just have said that to bolster her case, or to upset you. Perhaps you should talk to your sister first to ascertain the situation by some subtle, calm questioning.
 
First thing.....YOU know you are right.....you know the food choices as a kid has absolutly nothing to do with diabetes now......you know you are making the right choices now

Think you got to realise that she is who she is.......you got to be able to ignore that side of her and just get on with your life.....same goes for your sister.....if shes turning into a clone of your mother due to her influence........you dont need the extra stress/hassle of dealing with them as well as your own issues

As for bringing 'god' into this thats just a guilt trip due to dogma..........if 'god' was this kind and loving entity that looks after his 'children' why would he give you all a live challenging affliction like diabetes?
 
I wonder if your mother's reaction is a manifestation of her guilt. Any choices you made as a child are due to her. You were a child so not to know whether what you ate was "good" or "bad". That is the job of a parent.
As an adult now, you have the choice of how to react or not to her comments, just has others have said.
I remember learning some time ago that the part of the brain that dies off first as we age is the part that "filter" what we share. As a result, older people become more opinionated because they lack the ability to know whether it is a good idea to share their beliefs with others or whether it will upset them. This maybe happening with your mother - she is losing the ability to empathise.
 
Crumblebee said:
I travelled through to spend Christmas with my mother and brother for four nights.
My mother is in her 70s now and can be very difficult to appease, and generally get along with.
However, she is still my mother.

On the day of my travels home to my own flat I had a late breakfast with my mother.
Somehow the conversation turned to the cause and effect of becoming diabetic.
She voiced her opinion that if I as a child had not been a picky or fussy eater I would not have developed type one as a 34 year adult. It is my own fault from dietary choices and lifestyle. Also if I were a more active/ committed Christian God wouldn't have allowed me to have diabetes or he would have cured me.

I was utterly broken to my core. I didn't know how to respond. I tried to reason with her but apparently my sister agreed (she was spending Christmas with her partner's family). Now I haven't a clue how my sister views my “lifestyle dietary choices”, but if she agrees with my mother I feel quite betrayed as if I had been diagnosed with something else, say epilepsy, would they have the same accusations.

Anyway as a 38 year old, 4 years diabetic, I felt very attacked and alone. How do you move past knowing your mother blames you for a health condition that controls most of your life because of choices you made as a child. The feeling of being lost and a heavy sadness weighs upon me.

I don't know how to have an open relationship with my mother now. How can I trust her to not mislead others like my sister?

Maybe I am being overly sensitive. I don't know.
Click to expand...
That's super harsh, overly sensitive? I don't think so.
I have learnt that you don't have to like your relatives.
 
Crumblebee said:
I travelled through to spend Christmas with my mother and brother for four nights.
My mother is in her 70s now and can be very difficult to appease, and generally get along with.
However, she is still my mother.

On the day of my travels home to my own flat I had a late breakfast with my mother.
Somehow the conversation turned to the cause and effect of becoming diabetic.
She voiced her opinion that if I as a child had not been a picky or fussy eater I would not have developed type one as a 34 year adult. It is my own fault from dietary choices and lifestyle. Also if I were a more active/ committed Christian God wouldn't have allowed me to have diabetes or he would have cured me.

I was utterly broken to my core. I didn't know how to respond. I tried to reason with her but apparently my sister agreed (she was spending Christmas with her partner's family). Now I haven't a clue how my sister views my “lifestyle dietary choices”, but if she agrees with my mother I feel quite betrayed as if I had been diagnosed with something else, say epilepsy, would they have the same accusations.

Anyway as a 38 year old, 4 years diabetic, I felt very attacked and alone. How do you move past knowing your mother blames you for a health condition that controls most of your life because of choices you made as a child. The feeling of being lost and a heavy sadness weighs upon me.

I don't know how to have an open relationship with my mother now. How can I trust her to not mislead others like my sister?

Maybe I am being overly sensitive. I don't know.
Click to expand...
You can’t manage the way those comments make you feel, but you can manage what you do about it.
Firstly, I would ignore the comments about your sister agreeing - until you hear it from her own mouth, I think you can dismiss it as nonsense.
As for the god thing… I am a non believer so it is easy for me to dismiss it as utter nonsense. However if you are a believer, then it is a matter between you and god alone - your mother is not able to speak for God. You know what relationship you have with god and you know what kind of god you believe he is - don’t let her cloud that.
As for being a fussy child - that’s just petty and ridiculous. She really should be over your childhood habits by now! Again, I think you can dismiss it as nonsense.
It sounds like you need a little breathing space from her. Take a little break if you can. I would avoid the topic of diabetes with her as it sounds like she has nothing sensible to say about it anyway.
Sometimes you can’t reason with people.
 
@Crumblebee I am sorry this happened. You are not alone. We are here, always.

Shake yourself off. You are stronger than this hurt.

Her age is likely a factor, and no offense but some people are just stupid and ignorant when it comes to medical matters.
You can try and educate her, you shouldn't have to, that might help. Or you can ask that it is not spoken about (this is a huge part of your life not to share with close family) as it might protect you more.

I do not speak to my grandma about political matters, or history, it limits conversation a lot, but I just say "no, we will not talk about this" as it causes less issues than her horrible racist, bigotry opinions, and actually neither of us cares what the other thinks about this stuff and we have no sway over the others opinions.

Take care.
 
PhoebeC said:
@Crumblebee I am sorry this happened. You are not alone. We are here, always.

Shake yourself off. You are stronger than this hurt.

Her age is likely a factor, and no offense but some people are just stupid and ignorant when it comes to medical matters.
You can try and educate her, you shouldn't have to, that might help. Or you can ask that it is not spoken about (this is a huge part of your life not to share with close family) as it might protect you more.

I do not speak to my grandma about political matters, or history, it limits conversation a lot, but I just say "no, we will not talk about this" as it causes less issues than her horrible racist, bigotry opinions, and actually neither of us cares what the other thinks about this stuff and we have no sway over the others opinions.

Take care.
Click to expand...
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I am very sad sitting reading that. It is certainly not your fault at all. Sometimes I think people blame a person for something awful happening to them or for their medical condition perhaps to feel more secure themselves. I don't do that, I didn't do that so it won't happen to me. Unfortunately, with illness it does not work like that.

So many people say to me how can you be pre-diabetic (I did get back to normal but gone up slightly again) as you do not carry weight, you don't eat chocs, biscuits etc and rubbish food all the time. I do sometimes - very few of us are perfect!! However, I know someone who is obese and eats whatever she wants when she wants and has no trouble with her blood sugars and her cholesterol couldn't be any lower! Also my friend's hubby is underweight and diabetic. I have friends who eat hardly any fat and don't carry weight, never have done and their cholesterol is through the roof.
 
My sister and I both used to just agree with our mother cos it was easier, though rather than saying 'Yes Mom' we'd say 'It's nothing to do with me, tell whoever diagnosed him/her your theory cos you're just wasting your breath trying to persuade me, so no point' (and then make b. sure we told each other whatever it was)
 
I’m sorry you had unwanted focus on your diabetes and how much it has upset you @Crumblebee

From my own experience with my Mum I’m sure there’s a large element of guilt in a diagnosis, looking for reasons & explanations against the reality that there’s nothing anyone can do to prevent it.

It is a challenge to field unwanted advice even more so from family who you might hope would be there to support you.
 
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