Type 1 + 42= no sex?

[SkinnyPopCornPrincess]

Hi there,

I would really appreciate some advice, please.
My partner is 42 and type 1. I'm 32.
We haven't really had sex for the past 1.5 yrs. Been together for 3.
I fell pregnant in 2017, gave birth in July last year. My partner would avoid sleeping with me first blaming it on the fact I was pregnant and promising it would change when I give birth.
It hasn't- our baby is 10 almost 10 months now and he had sex once last year and once this year in March.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not a sex addict but I'm a healthy 32 yo lady and I love my partner.
I'm very frustrated and feel really worthless knowing he watches porn and recently caught him pleasing himself in the morning in our bed. I obviously wasn't invited.
I'm running out of ideas as to why he doesn't want me; I'm back 100% to my pre pregnancy shape, I take good care of myself, wear make up and shave my legs and bits! Yet he would rather w*** instead of sleeping with me?
When we did have sex over 1.5 yrs ago I would notice he would go down and remain semi hard for a little longer than expected and it made me wonder if it would have something to do with poor diabetes management? His doctor recently changed his insulin and dosage to help him lose weight and he did say my partner manages his diabetes poorly. He constantly complains of being tired or headaches and it feels he is avoiding me.
Would the age add to it too?

I'm seriously lost with this and he won't talk to me. How can I live in a sexless relationship at 32?

Many thanks!

 

[everydayupsanddowns]

I think it can be a sensitive subject, but like most aspects of a relationship the best bet is going to be to find a way of talking about it openly and honestly, without anyone feeling blame, shame or becoming defensive.

Erectile dysfunction can certainly be associated with living with diabetes, and if your partner has noticed changes he may be worried, feel less confident, less attractive to you, and may be avoiding that aspect of your relationship?

Hope you manage to find a way to keep the channels of communication open and return to a healthy sex life that satisfies you both.

 

[SkinnyPopCornPrincess]

Thanks Mike!
I see you are using a pump, I'm trying to convince my partner to also get it to improve his life but he regularly trains martial arts and says it would be a pain to have it.
Would you agree? What are the pros and cons of having pump you'd say, if you don't mind me asking?
Thank you!

 

[everydayupsanddowns]

I found using an insulin pump gave me a lot more freedom generally (somewhat ironically, since I spect several years not wanting to be attached to something the whole time).

Doses are easier and more precise. I can have a basal pattern that *actually* matches my insulin need (and update is whenever that changes) rather than having to settle for a fairly flat background dose through the whole 24 hours. I have been able to siginifcantly reduce hypoglycaemia compared to my best efforts on MDI. I can also use fancy solit or extended bolus options for tricky meals which absorb more slowly so that the insulin matches the food better.

I also find it much easier for exercise. I'm not into contact sports, but for running/swimming/racket sports/gym etc it is very handy to be able to reduce or switch off entirely whatever basal insulin would normally be given during activity (and perhaps reduce it ny a percentage for a few hours after). When at the gym for an hour or so I would generally disconnect the pump and leave it in my locker, so the only thing attached to me was the little flat part of the infusion set with a cap over it.

I know some pro sports people (including american footballers and basketball players) use a pump so your partner could look into strategies they use if they are worried about contact sports and insulin pumps.

 

[SkinnyPopCornPrincess]

Hm, that's not such a big nuisance like he says it is then... He says it's a hassle to disconnect it and then put it back on, I didn't get that impression from you, but then he is a rather lazy person (i also wonder if it's his bad glucose management or just his nature).

Since switching to pump, would you say your general well-being improved? Like mood, motivation, less stress, etc.?
Don't know if you're single or ever had any issues, and I hope you dont mind me asking, but would you say your sex drive improved/got affected?

I just can't stop wondering if the pump could possibly in some magical way improve his life in general...well and mine...!

 

[Davein]

It is entirely possible that he feels embarrassed or less of a man because his diabetes is giving him problems and causing ED. He probably finds it easier to do the deed by himself than get to a point where he cannot satisfy you and know he will disappoint you and not only is that frustrating for both of you but gives him the mindset that there's no point in trying. Poor control of diabetes can certainly play havoc with many aspects of life. If he was able to 'perform' in the past then maybe his BG control has worsened. Perhaps it's time to visit the doctors and see if something like Viagra could improve the situation.
For what it's worth I don't think that you are in any way to blame, it's probably just the diabetes.

 

[SkinnyPopCornPrincess]

Thanks Davein!
Now that you mentioned Viagra, when we met back in 2016 we had a great sex life to the point I asked him if he was actually taking something. He denied. 2 mths later, when we went away for a weekend break, a blue pill fell out of his wallet. He said it was statins. I didn't question as it was early on and obv couldn't tell back then he was lying.
When I moved in with him over a year later I found a whole stash of the mysterious blue pill... And obviously it wasn't statins. He said he only used it a few times. A month later I was pregnant and we stopped sleeping together so I think he is living a lie and I just got fcuked....

 

[everydayupsanddowns]

No reason why viagra shouldn’t help. Drs will prescribe if people need them because of ED I think.

I wonder whether some couples counselling might help facilitate your discussion if you think you’d find it hard to talk openly about this just the two of you? Might help to have someone to open up the conversation? He clearly still has a libido.

I don’t feel my sex drive has ever been diminished by my diabetes per se, though diabetes and elevated or erratic BG can negatively impact mood, and lead to depression or feelings of low self worth and low self esteem - none of which will do a person’s sex drive or confidence in seeking to get busy with it any favours.

Having a pump has improved my experience of living with T1D, but they do require quite a bit of work, particularly in the early months/first year. At the end of the day, you tend to get out what you put in.

 

[Kaylz]

Talking from a female point of view with type 1 - my partner and I haven't been intimate since I was diagnosed in 2016

The thought of having a hypo during sex actually scares me and I feel totally different to how I felt before I was diagnosed

we were planning to start trying for a baby again when I was diagnosed (we miscarried in 2010) so it really wasn't ideal

I don't know when I'll be ready to jump back in the sack but he's ok with that xx

 

[Lucy Honeychurch]

It hasn't affected my libido, just have to remember to reattach the pump afterwards!

Seeing as your husband can go solo, it doesn't necessarily have to be related to diabetes. There could be other factors such as worrying about another pregnancy, over consumption of porn, loss of sensation etc.

 

[J Phelan]

Talking from a female point of view with type 1 - my partner and I haven't been intimate since I was diagnosed in 2016
The thought of having a hypo during sex actually scares me and I feel totally different to how I felt before I was diagnosed
we were planning to start trying for a baby again when I was diagnosed (we miscarried in 2010) so it really wasn't ideal
I don't know when I'll be ready to jump back in the sack but he's ok with that xx

I know it can be scary - I was diagnosed in 1977 (obviously long before I even knew what things like intimacy were). Yes, there is indeed a chance of going a little bit hypo as such shenanigans are a form of exercise. It may seem a tad "clinical" but I always check blood sugars about half an hour after such matters and always have some Lucozade on hand anyway. I also had a miscarriage when I was 22 (ish) and that was a nightmare - in my heart, at that time, I felt I could never go through that again - for fear of sounding a bit psychotherapisty (not a real word but hey ho) are you perhaps thinking of that awful situation also and the fear of going through the same trauma again? Just a thought as I know how difficult all these thoughts can be. As an aside, I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I think (sorry, I know) it was 13th March 1992 when I lost my little girl and I find myself crying even stating it. I am not sure of your age (I am now 50 so that's the end of the dream now for me - unless, of course, I was Madonna or someone who can purchase a child though mail order).

 

[mikeyB]

By far the commonest cause of ED or difficulty with normal sex is porn consumption. It’s affecting some men as young as 20, and the problem is that porn is almost never normal sex, particularly with regard to foreplay. This can be sorted with appropriate therapy, but that needs to be specialised. Because it is common, there a plenty such therapists about, so I suggest you might ask your GP, or simply ask Google to find one near you.

Relate also provide sex therapy if you can find a branch near you.

Don’t try to work this out on your own, it’s too complicated.

And that applies to Kaylz too.

 

[Matt Cycle]

For anyone who uses Twitter the gbdoc tweetchat tonight (24th April) 9-10pm is about 'sex and diabetes'.

 

[Mark T]

Sometimes it's about picking the time and moment as well. I've had issues if I try to pounce in the night, as I tend to feel shaky afterwards. I usually avoid doing this now unless I've eaten something beforehand. First thing in the morning I don't have such issues (the exercise helps with the early morning insulin resistance).

When you have children it also causes issues because sometimes it's the potential issues of being disturbed; either by a crying baby or a child knocking at the door. Sometimes people lose their libido after a child as well - often it's the women, but that's not always the case.

Sometimes you have to work together to find out what works for both of you. My libido is much higher than my wifes, as such she's more likely to do something other the intercourse when I'm in the mood but she isn't. Given your's is higher than his, is he willing to stimulate you when you need it and he doesn't? Although given he is satisfying himself, it does seem that there is some drive in him.

 

[SB2015]

For us ‘pumpy’ just stays attached and is there as a necessity of life.
So no disconnecting, it generally stays out of the way, but on odd occasions
needs to be repositioned when there is an ‘ouch’ moment.

As others have said I tend to check levels on the sensor after and consider direction of travel of levels in making decisions about any treatment.

 

[SkinnyPopCornPrincess]

Talking from a female point of view with type 1 - my partner and I haven't been intimate since I was diagnosed in 2016

The thought of having a hypo during sex actually scares me and I feel totally different to how I felt before I was diagnosed

we were planning to start trying for a baby again when I was diagnosed (we miscarried in 2010) so it really wasn't ideal


I don't know when I'll be ready to jump back in the sack but he's ok with that xx

Thank you for your comment Kaylz and I'm really sorry for your loss I was at risk of miscarriage during 1st pregnancy so I do feel for you.
I'm glad your partner is ok with you not having sex; as for me it's tricky as he obv w*** instead. I just miss the intimacy.
It's more common for women with or without diabetes to be off sex for various reasons, and I've been there too.
A bit less common for men, at least I've never been with a guy who didn't want to have sex before, so it's an abstract for me now

 

[SkinnyPopCornPrincess]

By far the commonest cause of ED or difficulty with normal sex is porn consumption. It’s affecting some men as young as 20, and the problem is that porn is almost never normal sex, particularly with regard to foreplay. This can be sorted with appropriate therapy, but that needs to be specialised. Because it is common, there a plenty such therapists about, so I suggest you might ask your GP, or simply ask Google to find one near you.

Relate also provide sex therapy if you can find a branch near you.

Don’t try to work this out on your own, it’s too complicated.

And that applies to Kaylz too.

Thanks Mike, I'm not sure if it's porn... He also knows I'm ok to watch it with him and try things out (i got sex games, handcuffs etc.) but when we would/had sex it would only be a boring missionary *yawn. And no oral

 

[SkinnyPopCornPrincess]

Sometimes it's about picking the time and moment as well. I've had issues if I try to pounce in the night, as I tend to feel shaky afterwards. I usually avoid doing this now unless I've eaten something beforehand. First thing in the morning I don't have such issues (the exercise helps with the early morning insulin resistance).

When you have children it also causes issues because sometimes it's the potential issues of being disturbed; either by a crying baby or a child knocking at the door. Sometimes people lose their libido after a child as well - often it's the women, but that's not always the case.

Sometimes you have to work together to find out what works for both of you. My libido is much higher than my wifes, as such she's more likely to do something other the intercourse when I'm in the mood but she isn't. Given your's is higher than his, is he willing to stimulate you when you need it and he doesn't? Although given he is satisfying himself, it does seem that there is some drive in him.

Thanks Mark.

No, he's not interested in any sexual activity with me.
I would even ask him to sleep next door when I'm having a w*** and he never offered to help.
He avoids me in a very childish way saying he's tired, got a headache or goes to bed earlier or after I'm gone. He's a quickie guy when I'm up for indulgence; and I'm not saying my own, very happy to please him. But as i mentioned he would struggle to keep it hard so maybe that's the problem.
I now get it how frustrated men get when their partners refuse them sex... Not fun at all

 

[Kaylz]

Thank you for your comment Kaylz and I'm really sorry for your loss I was at risk of miscarriage during 1st pregnancy so I do feel for you.
I'm glad your partner is ok with you not having sex; as for me it's tricky as he obv w*** instead. I just miss the intimacy.
It's more common for women with or without diabetes to be off sex for various reasons, and I've been there too.
A bit less common for men, at least I've never been with a guy who didn't want to have sex before, so it's an abstract for me now

I do feel awful and have told him to leave me but that's not what he wants, we used to be at it all the time lol, I've only ever been with him as we got together when I was 17, been together almost 10 years now! And I was also his first which I dunno maybe makes me feel more guilty xx

 

[Kaylz]

I know it can be scary - I was diagnosed in 1977 (obviously long before I even knew what things like intimacy were). Yes, there is indeed a chance of going a little bit hypo as such shenanigans are a form of exercise. It may seem a tad "clinical" but I always check blood sugars about half an hour after such matters and always have some Lucozade on hand anyway. I also had a miscarriage when I was 22 (ish) and that was a nightmare - in my heart, at that time, I felt I could never go through that again - for fear of sounding a bit psychotherapisty (not a real word but hey ho) are you perhaps thinking of that awful situation also and the fear of going through the same trauma again? Just a thought as I know how difficult all these thoughts can be. As an aside, I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I think (sorry, I know) it was 13th March 1992 when I lost my little girl and I find myself crying even stating it. I am not sure of your age (I am now 50 so that's the end of the dream now for me - unless, of course, I was Madonna or someone who can purchase a child though mail order).

thank you, no it wouldn't happen at the minute (well shouldn't I'm on the contraceptive injection but it has been changed to a self administrating one but should work the same as the old one) I lost hypo awareness for a while and think that might have something to do with it also, sometimes when we argue he'll get a bit upset and say he thinks he's getting too old to be a dad (he's only 32), I'm 28 in a few months so there is still time, we lost ours on 2nd August 2010, our little star, I had a tattoo done in memory of him in the form of a star on my shoulder blade and later followed it up with angel wings on my forearm, I still cry a lot about it too and also sorry for your loss xx